Wonkette

* Oohhs and Aahhs soul food now open 11PM until 5AM on weekends. [DCFUD]
* The National Park Service cares more about folks who ride Segways on the National Mall than ride bikes. [WABA]
* “I suppose I should be flattered that reporters from the Washington City Paper and Columbia Journalism Review Daily have been investigating this blog. But, really, I’m just confused.” [circumlocator]
* List of Marion Barry hijinks from 2005-2006 season of Who Gives a Fuck? [a blog for the rest of us]

America’s Mayor ™ was arrested again on Saturday, but he miraculously avoided the usual DUI or drug charges. This is what they call a “Christmas Miracle.” MORE »

Bold facers display their blithe indifference to the common man in this week’s Wonk’d as Alan Greenspan laughs uproariously at the unsuspecting pawns in Borat, Bill Clinton ignores dead bodies in the street, and fey Karl Rove won’t even give a guy a courtesy nod. James Baker still keeps it real by hanging at bars - but only if they’re really classy. At least there’s always Marion Barry, who’s hip to the hot spots, and down with the cool styles. All these celebrity drinking habits, plus Grover Norquist reduced to buying last season’s irregular suits off the rack, after the jump.

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America’s Mayor was back in court this morning, this time pleading Not Guilty to drunk driving and three other charges. MORE »

We were going to write a scathing intro about the importance of Wonk’d and our deep sadness at the paltry sightings we’ve been getting lately, until someone sent a nice juicy George Bush tip this morning. So there’s that, plus a haggard Ken Mehlman, an indiscreet Harriet Miers, a myopic (in more ways than one) Tom Friedman, Mr. Mayor-for-Life, and your favorite “member” of Congress, below the fold.

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• Bitches can now set the man up themselves: (202) 678-3682. [Metroblogging]
• In other drug related just-kidding-but-not-really news, new cocaine you can drink. We don’t mean Sparks. Dumbest fucking idea since the Pelosi trucker hat. [Catch Up Lady]
• “Tonight Pulitzer-winning poet Claudia Emerson, memoirist Jeannette Walls and short story writer Deborah Eisenberg are on tap at Fall for the Book.” [The Happy Booker]
• Thank you so much for this memory: “Or one like that really stupid commercial that used to air years ago, where the guy faces off against a bad CGI dragon, pulls out a sword, and is magically transformed into a marine.” [The DC Universe]
• “…how can Webb say that he never used the word ‘nigger’ as an epithet? How else can one use that word? As a descriptive adjective?” [why.i.hate.dc]

New York, LA, New York, LA — no one gives a shit about DC until their tangentially-related-to-public-service movie has to premiere, then all of a sudden Cleveland Park is where it’s at. At least a solid Demi Moore sighting came out of the screening of The Guardian last week, but she’s not even in it. And while Demi is gone already, some people just never leave, as evidenced by the above photo of (the back of) Tom DeLay duck-walking down H St. Others that were Wonk’d this week: Marion Barry needs his ride pimped, Harriet Miers shops for pimp threads, and the prince of darkness is overheard on his cell phone asking, “Is Bob Novak gonna have to choke a bitch?” All these and your third favorite Ghostbuster, after the jump.

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Washington’s greatest former mayor says he most certainly was NOT drunk when the Secret Service stopped him after he raced through a red light at 3 a.m. Sunday. MORE »

Oh, right, we were laughing. MORE »

• DC: a less shitty place to live than other places that are more shitty. [Lawsomnia]
• Redskins’ marketing department great at coming up with ways to, “distract our moronic fans from realizing how we constantly bend them over and fuck them in the ass.” [Why I Hate DC]
• List obsessed Forbes magazine ranks DC 9th in best cities for singles. [Metroblogging DC]
• The ranking would have been higher if not for the fat flasher of 16th street. [Shiftless Badger]
• City Paper EIC Erik Wemple is less of a journalist, more of a crusader against hypocrisy in city government and, ah, doggy day spas. [Circumlocutor]
• The alt-weekly can, however, still be trusted to not miss a single instance of the loony-toon crazy ramblings of Brother Marion.
  [City Paper]

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• Trapped on a 60 year-old boat with families from the fly-over states wearing rubber duck beaks - being a tourist in DC really does suck that bad. [Best Summer Ever]

• Ain’t fallin’ for that again. No sir, Marion’s not gonna get set up by your bitch-ass blog. [Beyond the Mall]
• If you don’t go out on Wednesday nights how are you ever going learn that the “ass mélange that is reggaeton” is now a Hispanic pan-national anthem? [Panama's Propositions]
• Right now in Petworth a hipster is feverishly typing out a blog post with the working title, “Spotting Mainstream Members of the Material Culture In Their Natural Habitat.” [Circle V]

* Sure is gonna suck to be working at the Dupont Krispy Kreme this week. [Metroblogging DC] MORE »

You can’t say we didn’t warn you. DC’s Funniest Celebrity benefit went down last night, and while we missed it, our spies are everywhere. Blogger/Journalist/Funnyman/Karaoke aficionado Patrick Gavin, seen here doing his famous “semi-professional bloggers drive like this” routine:

wrote up the event, but left out one salient detail: MORE »

You came through again, everyone. This week’s sightings are all over both the map and the stratified Washington hierarchy. Helen Thomas apparently likes to eat with the kewl kids, even if she’s just gumming it. Kevin Nealon, Newt Gingrich, and Marion Barry pull some nice trim. Ted Koppelhas a death wish. Morgan Spurlock keeps trying to supersize his career and Tom Friedman’s mustache of wisdom has nothing to do with Napoleon.

A whole rack more, as standard, after the jump.

Please don’t forget that Wonk’d is entirely tipster driven. So when you spot someone famous out there, make a note in your PDA, ’cause you’ll have other hazy memories to sort through in the morning. Once you feel that reminder buzzing you, email us here, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line (along with the name of the celeb that you saw). Thanks!

And speaking of sights to see: YES, we are aware of the frightening photos of Katherine Harris “getting her cougar on” with a cute young college journalist. We will be blogging about them shortly.

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