Tag Archives: marines

  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran

OK, so maybe it's not THIS Marine...
Funny how it all works out: Even during a week when our little mommyblog, recipe hub, and ugly vile little snark mob was brought low by server issues for a day and then some, we had an astonishing number of deleted comments, mostly thanks to 1) an idiot dentist with blood lust (no, not Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors OR Lawrence Olivier in Marathon Man) and 2) A few really determined trolls on other stories. Let’s get straight to the latter, a garrulous fellow simply named “Ben,” who warned us that Morgan Freeman is lying to America about the Iran nuclear deal: Read more on Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran…
  Are you Distracted? We Certainly Are

Sen. Joni Ernst Worried Obama Lowered Flag To Half Staff For Secret Muslin Reasons

Tinfoil flags are best
You may be astonished, as we were, to learn that conservatives are furious with Barack Obama for waiting Five Whole Days to order the flag to be flown at half staff in honor of the victims of last Thursday’s shootings in Chattanooga, which killed five members of the military. Obviously, Obama hates the military, since he only called the killings “heartbreaking” the day they happened, and didn’t immediately lower the flags himself. (By contrast, Obama ordered flags to half staff the day after the 2009 Fort Hood shooting.) But Sen. Joni Ernst thinks she may know what Obama’s up to: He’s trying to distract us all from Benghazi the Iran nuclear deal. Read more on Sen. Joni Ernst Worried Obama Lowered Flag To Half Staff For Secret Muslin Reasons…
  When will the gay terrors cease?

Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga

The threat is real.
Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days. Read more on Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga…
  'Heartbreaking' Is Bad Now?

Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?

Four people were murdered, and another three injured, at two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday, by a man identified by the FBI as Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez. The FBI cautioned that “it would be premature to speculate on the motives of the shooter at this time,” but come ON, just look at that name, would ya? What more do you need to know? Read more on Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  Semper Tea

Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup

America: the last days
America is finally dead. Completely dead. Oh sure, you thought maybe it was dead before when the Kenyan socialist Muslim Nazi indoctrinated innocent schoolchildren by urging them to study hard, or when the feckless tyrant wimp dictator made Marines hold umbrellas, but this time our once-great nation is dead, dead, dead. Barack Obama held a Styrofoam cup full of tea while he came down the steps of Marine One Tuesday and (it pains us so much to write this that we can barely make out the keyboard through our tears) kept the cup in his hand while saluting his Marine guards. The final moment of America, a once-great nation, was even sent out on Instagram by the White House, just to gloat over the unspeakable crime: Read more on Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup…
  shame shame

Fine, Let’s Talk About This Awful Scammy ‘Charity,’ ‘Pretend To Help The Troops’

You guys, did you see this ginormous article investigative report dealio about Move America Forward, the “support the troops” group that scammed everyone, including your angry uncle, into giving them a kazillion dollars for care packages that were going to go to the troops but actually went fuck if we know where? Yes, yes, we know the article appeared yesterday, but that thing was like one million words long and also too we had to keep starting over because we were laughing so hard. Read more on Fine, Let’s Talk About This Awful Scammy ‘Charity,’ ‘Pretend To Help The Troops’…
  Boys will be boys

Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else

So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault. Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes: The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago. For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. Read more on Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day

Greetings, mis pequeños Wonquitos! Hope you’re up for another exciting trip to the Purgatory of Ideas that is the comments queue! Our first unsuccessfully attempted comment was a reaction from “Katherine,” who was quite displeased with our failure to recognize our intellectual betters, particularly the Big Thoughts of Ben Shapiro: Ben Shapiro is more intelligent than all of you put together. He knows his stuff, and all you do is spit out vitriol garbage. Your views are filled with mindless emotion, and his are filled with intelligence and evidence. “Vitriolic,” dear. Yes, it is true, we are driven by mindless emotions, like thinking that people should be able to feed their families, and that the stimulative effect of unemployment insurance is good for the economy. But Ben Shapiro, he is one smart fella, and he felt smart. Read more on Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day…
  walk like a woman and talk like a man

Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats

So it looks like Obama is no longer content with wrecking our country with his socialist health care and his general Kenyan Muslin pretendering. First, he made the Marines use umbrellas to cover his treasonous head. Now, in a move we all should have seen coming, thanks to what a monster in human form he is, Obama has now decided to make our glorious proud marines into girly men. READ MORE Read more on Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats…
  who watches the watchmen

Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault

Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! We’re getting that same opportunity for repetitive sadness and outrage fatigue thanks to the military’s parade of horribles that they placed in charge of sexual assault initiatives. Lucky! 10 days ago, the Air Force kicked off the party with Mr. Sexually-Assaults-Ladies-In-Parking-Lots. Many people noted at the time, yr Wonkette included, that maybe this just wasn’t a good career path for this dude, seeing as how he was in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire military branch. Fast forward a whole whopping week and we had some sexual assault prevention officer for the Army crawl out from under a rock so he could be charged with not only sexually assaulting some (as in “more than one”) ladies but also, too, forcing one of his subordinates into prostitution. Take that, you fucking wussy Air Force guys! Army guys sexually assault AND pimp ladies out. The Army sexual assault prevention fellows are so utterly bad at preventing themselves from assault that an entirely different guy did an entirely different bad thing! Read more on Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault…
  we heard he put his feet on the desk once too

Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk

Hey, Drudge and Weekly Standard, did anything happen during President Richard Milhouse Obama’s press conference with the Turkish premiere or prime minister or president or whatever? (We are not required to know who that guy is, because AMERICA.) Oh, nothing, he just CALLED OUT THE MARINES? Well that is one way to murder all of us with martial law and posse comitatus and other terrible FEMA Camp things. “Obama Calls Over Marines to Shield Himself and Turkish PM from Rain,” says the Standard, which is the entirety of its blog post except the vid, above. “OBAMA CALLS IN MARINES,” says Drudge. If you are making Marines take time out from their busy schedules of protecting our freedoms just so you don’t get some Jesus Tears on you, then surely, SURELY, now it is time to inpeach? Read more on Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk…
  loose lips sink ships also too

BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!

Well now we are getting to the bottom of this! When the Secret Service was sexing all those ladies in Cartagena, was that an isolated incident? NO IT WAS NOT! And how do we know this? Because Defense Secretary Leon Panetta “admitted” that last year three US Marines hired a sex worker in Brazil! Now, was there more to this ridiculous waste of pixels? Yes, there was more to this ridiculous waste of pixels: the Marines were busted down a rank after throwing her from their moving vehicle, and the US embassy paid her medical bills — which, after all, would be the gentlemanly thing to do. Read more on BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!…
  sure why not

U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It’s the Nazi flag used by the Nazis who had the mission of “exterminating the Jewish race.” Eh, Jews/Muslims, same dif? Read more on U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine

When Michelle Obama is bored from exercising with toddlers all day, she takes on her second hobby: supporting The Troops. After all, that is what her recent NASCAR horror and teevee appearance were all about. We thought she was doing these things out of her respect for military families. But as it turns out, she really just thinks Marines are super hawt. Our FLOTUS was spreading the low-fat holiday cheer at a Toys for Tots event last week when a braver, younger, more dashing and more uniformed Barack Obama made a move on Michelle, as Mariah Carey sang in approval. Sasha and Malia, meet your new step dad! Read more on FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine…