Tag Archives: marines

  Semper Tea

Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup

America: the last days
America is finally dead. Completely dead. Oh sure, you thought maybe it was dead before when the Kenyan socialist Muslim Nazi indoctrinated innocent schoolchildren by urging them to study hard, or when the feckless tyrant wimp dictator made Marines hold umbrellas, but this time our once-great nation is dead, dead, dead. Barack Obama held a Styrofoam cup full of tea while he came down the steps of Marine One Tuesday and (it pains us so much to write this that we can barely make out the keyboard through our tears) kept the cup in his hand while saluting his Marine guards. The final moment of America, a once-great nation, was even sent out on Instagram by the White House, just to gloat over the unspeakable crime: Read more on Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup…
  shame shame

Fine, Let’s Talk About This Awful Scammy ‘Charity,’ ‘Pretend To Help The Troops’

You guys, did you see this ginormous article investigative report dealio about Move America Forward, the “support the troops” group that scammed everyone, including your angry uncle, into giving them a kazillion dollars for care packages that were going to go to the troops but actually went fuck if we know where? Yes, yes, we know the article appeared yesterday, but that thing was like one million words long and also too we had to keep starting over because we were laughing so hard. Read more on Fine, Let’s Talk About This Awful Scammy ‘Charity,’ ‘Pretend To Help The Troops’…
  Boys will be boys

Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else

So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault. Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes: The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago. For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. Read more on Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day

Greetings, mis pequeños Wonquitos! Hope you’re up for another exciting trip to the Purgatory of Ideas that is the comments queue! Our first unsuccessfully attempted comment was a reaction from “Katherine,” who was quite displeased with our failure to recognize our intellectual betters, particularly the Big Thoughts of Ben Shapiro: Ben Shapiro is more intelligent than all of you put together. He knows his stuff, and all you do is spit out vitriol garbage. Your views are filled with mindless emotion, and his are filled with intelligence and evidence. “Vitriolic,” dear. Yes, it is true, we are driven by mindless emotions, like thinking that people should be able to feed their families, and that the stimulative effect of unemployment insurance is good for the economy. But Ben Shapiro, he is one smart fella, and he felt smart. Read more on Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day…
  walk like a woman and talk like a man

Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats

So it looks like Obama is no longer content with wrecking our country with his socialist health care and his general Kenyan Muslin pretendering. First, he made the Marines use umbrellas to cover his treasonous head. Now, in a move we all should have seen coming, thanks to what a monster in human form he is, Obama has now decided to make our glorious proud marines into girly men. READ MORE Read more on Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats…
  who watches the watchmen

Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault

Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! We’re getting that same opportunity for repetitive sadness and outrage fatigue thanks to the military’s parade of horribles that they placed in charge of sexual assault initiatives. Lucky! 10 days ago, the Air Force kicked off the party with Mr. Sexually-Assaults-Ladies-In-Parking-Lots. Many people noted at the time, yr Wonkette included, that maybe this just wasn’t a good career path for this dude, seeing as how he was in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire military branch. Fast forward a whole whopping week and we had some sexual assault prevention officer for the Army crawl out from under a rock so he could be charged with not only sexually assaulting some (as in “more than one”) ladies but also, too, forcing one of his subordinates into prostitution. Take that, you fucking wussy Air Force guys! Army guys sexually assault AND pimp ladies out. The Army sexual assault prevention fellows are so utterly bad at preventing themselves from assault that an entirely different guy did an entirely different bad thing! Read more on Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault…
  we heard he put his feet on the desk once too

Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk

Hey, Drudge and Weekly Standard, did anything happen during President Richard Milhouse Obama’s press conference with the Turkish premiere or prime minister or president or whatever? (We are not required to know who that guy is, because AMERICA.) Oh, nothing, he just CALLED OUT THE MARINES? Well that is one way to murder all of us with martial law and posse comitatus and other terrible FEMA Camp things. “Obama Calls Over Marines to Shield Himself and Turkish PM from Rain,” says the Standard, which is the entirety of its blog post except the vid, above. “OBAMA CALLS IN MARINES,” says Drudge. If you are making Marines take time out from their busy schedules of protecting our freedoms just so you don’t get some Jesus Tears on you, then surely, SURELY, now it is time to inpeach? Read more on Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk…
  loose lips sink ships also too

BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!

Well now we are getting to the bottom of this! When the Secret Service was sexing all those ladies in Cartagena, was that an isolated incident? NO IT WAS NOT! And how do we know this? Because Defense Secretary Leon Panetta “admitted” that last year three US Marines hired a sex worker in Brazil! Now, was there more to this ridiculous waste of pixels? Yes, there was more to this ridiculous waste of pixels: the Marines were busted down a rank after throwing her from their moving vehicle, and the US embassy paid her medical bills — which, after all, would be the gentlemanly thing to do. Read more on BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!…
  sure why not

U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It’s the Nazi flag used by the Nazis who had the mission of “exterminating the Jewish race.” Eh, Jews/Muslims, same dif? Read more on U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine

When Michelle Obama is bored from exercising with toddlers all day, she takes on her second hobby: supporting The Troops. After all, that is what her recent NASCAR horror and teevee appearance were all about. We thought she was doing these things out of her respect for military families. But as it turns out, she really just thinks Marines are super hawt. Our FLOTUS was spreading the low-fat holiday cheer at a Toys for Tots event last week when a braver, younger, more dashing and more uniformed Barack Obama made a move on Michelle, as Mariah Carey sang in approval. Sasha and Malia, meet your new step dad! Read more on FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine…
  snack problems

New Allegations Say Cheney Was a Dick

From the wonderful, unverified world of Reddit IAmA: Cheney was a dick in several ways. He was always late, 15 min at least. He never saluted except in one occasion when there was mass publicity. He was always grouchy and left a mess in the helicopter. Also, part of our job was making sure the back of the plane was stocked with snacks and whatnot and he would take every packet of peanuts he could find! I even tested it one time and I put 12 packs, 12!, in the back…all gone. This sounds dumb but it was just one small thing to irk a crew chief…because that meant you had to restock them all which was a pain. Read more on New Allegations Say Cheney Was a Dick…
  veterans affairs

Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines

Are you headed to Washington for the big comedy rally we are having in lieu of possessing any grand ambition, moral beliefs or personal dignity? Hooray, hope you like Sheryl Crow a lot! Also: Hope you don’t get shot by the armed & dangerous lunatic firing on anything he thinks is a U.S. Marine or U.S. Marine-affiliated facility. Oh yeah, and this weekend’s the big “Marine Homecoming,” meaning some 30,000 Marines and Marine-affiliated persons will be everywhere in and around DC. And law enforcement officials would like you to know there’s a chance this current or former Crazy Marine might want to shoot all the other Marines, in Washington, this week. Read more on Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines…
  greatest scandals in history

Blumenthal: You All Lie, I Was Awesome At The Military

Vietnam hero Richard “Dick” Blumenthal, having now learned that there is such a thing as “opposition research” in U.S. Senate campaigns, organized a ragtag group of elderly Marines and apparently Dennis Hopper (?) for his press conference today in an aggressive effort to save his campaign from the liberal New York Times and its monsters. Read more on Blumenthal: You All Lie, I Was Awesome At The Military…
  cheaper than fedex

Marine Checks Gun-And-Bomb Stuff In Luggage, Because Why Not

Ha ha, so, funny story: a traveling Marine packed enough ammunition and explosives in his checked luggage to blow up, hmm let’s say a Pliosaur, and nobody really noticed or appeared to care until his luggage was inspected by TSA workers during a layover in Boston.Thus concluded the first incident in recorded history when TSA goons did something useful. Read more on Marine Checks Gun-And-Bomb Stuff In Luggage, Because Why Not…
 

Hillary’s Funny Story About Wanting To Join The Marines

In light of the Sinbad-Bosnia scandal, Hillary’s entire history of funny Tuff Guy statements is being reexamined. This process alone could endure well past Hillary’s lifetime. But here’s a fun treat: In 1994, Hillary says she thought about joining the Marines in 1975, but then the recruiter made robotic sexist statements about her, so she decided to become a Monster instead. Read more on Hillary’s Funny Story About Wanting To Join The Marines…
 

Video Of George W. Bush, The Singing Jackass

For all you libtards with “Bush Derangement Syndrome” out there who always call our president “Hitler,” we ask you this: Did Hitler dance and sing for the people? No, he was always yelly-yelly at everyone. George W. Bush just wants to sing a gay song with his male-stripper vocalists and dance for the press, and he will not let you haters try to bring him down, you negative nabobs of negativity. He’s got a song in his heart! [YouTube] Read more on Video Of George W. Bush, The Singing Jackass…
 

Marines To Investigate Cruel Puppy Death

A few days ago, a shocking viral video showed a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq by some Marine. We still think it was a stuffed animal. Either way, the humans continue to fight in Iraq, but the Marines will launch a full-scale investigation into this matter of the puppy. Read more on Marines To Investigate Cruel Puppy Death…
 

Marines Have Plenty of Money, Few Marines

The United States Marine Corps is a proud institution, and they would like you to know that. They would, um, also like you to consider joining, not that they have a recruiting problem at all. Nope, the whole war thing isn’t affecting their recruiting at all, which is why they’ve bought ad time during tonight’s American Idol episode and next week’s AFC championship on Fox. By the way, that AI ad time was estimated last season to cost about $750,000 for a 30-second spot. Wait, shoot, I lost my train of thought. Am I amused and cynical that the Marines are buying hugely expensive ad time on shows popular with today’s youth to try to drum up more recruits, or pissed that they’re buying more than a million dollars worth of it from Rupert Murdoch’s Fox? It’s so hard to decide sometimes. [PR Newswire, NY Times] Read more on Marines Have Plenty of Money, Few Marines…
 

U.S. Marines No Longer Answer To U.S.

As has happened so many times throughout history, a powerful military force has decided to act on its own, ignoring the feeble government supposedly in charge of its troops — and this time, that weak, rotten power is Washington! The Marines are planning to leave Iraq, the New York Times reported today, but they haven’t bothered to tell the American government and its ostensible boss of the military, placeholder Secretary of Defense Robert “I wish I was back at Texas A&M” Gates. Read more on U.S. Marines No Longer Answer To U.S….
 

Ashtray Floors, Dirty Clothes & Filthy Jokes

* Yeah, we’ve never understood the dirty clothes on the floor thing, either. [Alice’s Adventure Underground] * “I’ll never complain about the Metro again”? You say that now …. [Yellow Is The Color…] * Kids say the darndest things. [Sour N Sweet] * Squirrels are just rats with cuter outfits. [This is Me, Honest] * It was probably because they were too gay. Soldiers kissing bearded lips? Not in the Marines, HOO-AH. [DCist] Read more on Ashtray Floors, Dirty Clothes & Filthy Jokes…
 

Marine Corps Wants America’s Favorite Marine To Shut Up!

Iraq veteran and honorably discharged Marine Sgt. Adam Kokesh has been the Pentagon’s biggest public relations nightmare this year, because he’s some kind of magical Cindy Sheehan — people actually like him! And while right-wingers had no problem mocking the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq, they have a tougher time mocking an actual living Marine male veteran who actually fought in the war they just write about on their blogs. Plus, you get the feeling he wouldn’t mind beating the shit out of, say, the entire staff of National Review Online … and that they’d probably enjoy it, too. Find out what The Man is doing to silence Adam Kokesh, after the jump. Read more on Marine Corps Wants America’s Favorite Marine To Shut Up!…