Tag Archives: marie antoinette

  also the whitey tape too and also too

Barack Obama: Yup, I’m On Crack

In shocking, off-script comments, Barack Obama yesterday all but admitted that rumors of his cocaine habit are 100% true. At a White House event celebrating “gay” Pride Month Monday, the President, whose college grades we’ve still never seen, made a reference to the secret ingredients that he has ordered retiring White House executive pastry chef Bill Yosses (he’s retiring because Michelle put him into Health Food Jail) to put into the delicacies that the First Couple feasts upon while Americans are out of work and our international reputation slides into irrelevance: “His pies, I don’t know what he does, if he puts crack in them–” the President said. “No he doesn’t,” First Lady Michelle Obama laughed. “There is no crack in our pies.” No surprise that the administration’s Marie Antoinette, who admitted she never took pride in America until her husband took power, would try to deny it. Shocking video follows! Read more on Barack Obama: Yup, I’m On Crack…
  Revolution Now

Ousted Yahoo Exec Dries Tears With $58 Million Severance

We mock tech people a lot here at Happy Wonk Lifestyle Village, but while we’re mocking them for employing a staff of tech dudebros, tech people at the top of the pyramid are becoming offensive levels of rich, like Yahoo’s former COO, who had $58 million to dry his tears when they canned him. Read more on Ousted Yahoo Exec Dries Tears With $58 Million Severance…
  let them eat mystery meat

Now Wingnuts Furious State Dinner Served Food

Those damned Obamas with their dogs eating imaginary steak off bone china (get it???) and their fancy-schmancy designer frocks! Something must be done to bring their wild living down to earth, because they got all fancied up for a formal state dinner for that man from Frenchietown, just like every other president ever, but that doesn’t count because this is Wookiee Marie Antoinette and the Kenyan Usurper we’re talking about here. What’s worse, you may have heard about Fat Ol’ Mooseshelle’s agenda of starving children by forcing them to eat a carrot now and then. Fortunately, Illinois congresstaint Rodney Davis has introduced a bill to force the Obamas to stop being such hypocrites. His “School Nutrition Fairness Act” would require all official White House meals to conform to the same USDA guidelines that school lunch and breakfast programs follow. Because if the Obamas think it’s OK to mandate nutritional guidelines, they had damn well better follow the same rules themselves. It is only fair! If this bill picks up support, Mr. Obama will also be required to trade his armored limousine for a yellow school bus. Read more on Now Wingnuts Furious State Dinner Served Food…
  also hitler loved dogs

Wild-Eyed Socialists At Daily Caller Want To Guillotine Michelle Obama’s Dogs For Crimes Against Proletariat

The Daily Caller’s resident Speaker of Truth to Black Power and professional troll Neil Munro just wants you to know how outrageous it is that the Obamas have dogs and nice things: Poverty and unemployment are at near-record levels, the economy is stalled, and a record 47 million Americans are on food stamps, yet aides for first lady Michelle Obama’s tweeted out a picture of her two dogs apparently dining at a table laid with crystal and china. “Bone appétit!,” the aides added to the insensitive tweet, using the language of France’s queen Marie Antoinette, who was executed by radicals in 1793. Couple-few things here, big guy: First off, this is a photo of the doggies sitting at a table with no food on the plates. After the picture was snapped, we are going to guess that they were told to get down off the furniture, a command Mr. Munro may be familiar with. Secondly, of the things Marie Antoinette is famous for saying, “Bon appétit” is not exactly a “quote,” unless you go around saying, “As Ronald Reagan so eloquently put it, ‘Good morning.'” Besides, she’s obviously quoting American spy hero Julia Child (also, save the livers). Gosh, is there any reason the FLOTUS might have used “the language of France’s queen” yesterday? Can’t think of a one. And third of all, we have it on good authority that Marie Antoinette never punned. Read more on Wild-Eyed Socialists At Daily Caller Want To Guillotine Michelle Obama’s Dogs For Crimes Against Proletariat…
  every flavor but pinkie

Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged

We guess Barack Obama must have mentioned God in his Thanksgiving proclamation this year, since we haven’t seen a million angry blog posts bitching about it. (And there it is — “we rise or fall as one Nation, under God” — a blatant attempt to make up for his Gettysburg libel, too.*) Thankfully, even if they can’t trot out the “war on religion” trope, wingnuts can still accuse the Obamas of being Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, because as has been widely reported, the White House served nine types of pie at Thanksgiving this year — or as the Daily Mail headline put it, “NINE different types of pie.” This is of course the worst sort of hypocrisy, since 1) No other president has eaten well while some Americans were unemployed and 2) Michelle promotes healthy eating, but for a holiday dinner they didn’t eat only kale and rice cakes. Read more on Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged…
  off with his head

Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette

Go to the kitchen and fix some macaroni and cut-up hot dog’s, Michelle Obama, there is a new Marie Antoinette in town running up shocking tabs on the taxpayers’ dime — one hundred million dimes? One thousand dimes? Somewhere in between? MATH. And that someone is Old Handsome Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden, who thinks that just because he is the “vice president” of the “United States” and he is going to Europe to “meet with” David Cameron in London and do something in Paris (“surrender,” probably), he gets to stay in a hotel. What the fuck dude, too good for Airbnb? Read more on Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette…
  let them eat quiche

This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’

It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald Trump, only one really stands out for its gobsmacking lack of humanity and empathy and realization that there are units we call “people” who roam the earth, the kind that says FUCK THEM, YOU MADE IT! Let us find out what it is, together! (Hint: It is a $100,000 chicken coop, like it says in the headline, and also that picture.) Read more on This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: our FLOTUS went on “Live! With Kelly!” on Monday to show off how completely not-obese she is, which is very elitist of her. She was wearing “palazzo pants,” because again, she thinks she is too good for jorts and a two-for-one pack of tee-shirts from Walmart! That’s the thing about our Michelle. One minute she is renting out a Spanish palace mosque for herself and her closest girlfriends, and the next minute she’s jumping rope, like poor children do in after-school specials about diversity. Read more on Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans…
  this week in slags

Perfect And Off-Limits Ann Romney Will Now See You Next Tuesday

Did you get that? We hope you got that. It is pretty subtle, we know, as we at Wonket are the souls of subtlety and modesty and also not being vulgar. What we were trying to intimate in our clever headline is that the Perfect and Off-Limits Virgin Mother Ann Romney is now just being a total cunt. Oh, did someone ask her about Michelle Obama’s fancee vacations? Sure. And what did she have to say about that? Romney was responding to a question from WJR Detroit’s Frank Beckmann, who asked Romney if her family would be vacationing abroad as frequently as the Obamas. “I doubt that,” Romney replied. “Our vacations and our happiness come from being with our children and our grandchildren.” You know the Obamas: always just giving those awful Obama children the slip and leaving them down at the pub or maybe at the casino where they are spending their food stamps probably, right? Read more on Perfect And Off-Limits Ann Romney Will Now See You Next Tuesday…
  posers

Zillionaire Mitt Romney Tells Obama To Stop Acting So Rich All the Time

Ol’ moneybags Mitt Romney is estimated to be worth over $250 million, a rather grotesque embarrassment of riches and presumably the reason why Mittens refuses to release his tax returns, in hope of avoiding a couple of news cycles’ worth of “How many thousands of struggling homeowners could Mitt Romney’s wealth instantly save from foreclosure, right now?” types of stories. Releasing them would also undermine his favorite bizarre rhetorical strategy, trying to speak Poor. He’s unemployed! He’s underpaid! And now, he’s shivering in the gutter: “[Obama is] in Hawaii right now,” he said. “We’re in the cold, in the rain, in the wind because we care about America.” What the hell is he talking about? Read more on Zillionaire Mitt Romney Tells Obama To Stop Acting So Rich All the Time…