Tag Archives: Marcus Bachmann

  Bigot Nice Time we guess

Pizza Bigots Sharing Dough With Florist Bigot, Like Good Gay-Hating Jesus Would Do

Daughter prays as Father stews over gay homosexuals pulling the pizza from his cold dead hands.
The Deliverance cast members who own that Indiana fag-hatin’ pizza hole called Memories raised over $840,000 in bigot money on GoFundMe, for taking the bold stand that, were a gay or lesbian couple to visit them and say “please, our dream is to serve your shitty pizza to our wedding guests,” they would refuse, because God Hates Fags. You will be glad (depending on your value for “glad”) to know that they aren’t just going to stick all that money up their butts; they plan to follow Jesus’s command to help the needy and spread the wealth. Read more on Pizza Bigots Sharing Dough With Florist Bigot, Like Good Gay-Hating Jesus Would Do…
  he looks good with a beard! no an actual beard

Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk

We will always love you, The Bachmanns
via Michele Bachmann’s Facebook page Man, we are really going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann. And not just because of her fabulous fashion sense and even more fabulous husband sense, or her riveting speeches on how much she loves God and freedom, but also because of sparkly rhinestones like this. Read more on Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk…
  so long farewell

A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann

She's real something all right
Photo by Beth Ethier While watching soon-to-be-former-Rep. Michele Bachmann tell the Values Voter Summit Friday morning that she is a “normal real person,” the sense of just how great a source of comedy we are losing with her upcoming retirement really hit home. Is there even a reason for Wonkette to go on existing once old Crazy Eyes walks off the House floor for the final time and flies back to a life of hot dish suppers and plagues of foster children? We’re going to mention this to the Editrix if she ever surfaces from her long sex tour of the West Coast. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann…
  his time to shine

Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays

We know, we know. You’re chock full of Michele Bachmann derp. Couldn’t eat another bite, really. But have you noshed on any nonsense from Marcus Bachmann lately? Yes, the gentler more feminine half of the Bachmann marriage gets overshadowed by his crazy-eyed wife so often, but sometimes he needs to step forth into the spotlight and burst into flame, or song, or both. Read more on Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays…
  lawsplaining

The Supreme Court Was So Busy Yesterday They Forgot To Wreck The Lives Of Gay Kids

How was your day yesterday? Do you still have a stick of furniture left unbroken after the twin-barreled double fun dose of bullshit you got from the Supreme Court? Neither do we! So as you can imagine, we’re grasping at the slimmest of straws to find something that makes us feel less filled with rage at the universe and Samuel Alito. Probably because they were so busy screwing over women and unions, yesterday the Supremes didn’t quite get get around to screwing over gay kids, and declined to hear an appeal to a lower court case which had held that California could ban creepy creepy ex-gay therapy for minors, which basically means the law stands. Guess the religious right is going to have to make some time to pour one out for their gay-hating homies while still throwing back bottles of Cristal over their fucked-up win in the Hobby Lobby case. Read more on The Supreme Court Was So Busy Yesterday They Forgot To Wreck The Lives Of Gay Kids…
  dazed and confused

Fox News Was Sane On Two Occasions Yesterday And We Don’t Know How To Feel About It

We’re not sure how we feel about the fact that Fox News had not one, but two, segments yesterday in which their hosts excoriated some of the derpier parts of the right wing. On the one hand, hahahahaha. On the other hand, agreeing with Fox News about things makes us feel icky. Not icky enough that we’re going to skip putting both these clips on full blast, though. Read more on Fox News Was Sane On Two Occasions Yesterday And We Don’t Know How To Feel About It…
  what if?

What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?

Science Fiction! OK, Science-ish Fiction? Not-at-all-Science Fiction. YOU GUYS ARE BUSTING MY BALLS, JESUS! Well, Jesus, exactly, specifically that weird Jesus thing where they think they can make the hairdressers straight, because it worked for Marcus Bachmann, amiright? (Don’t answer that question.) Trouble is, you just can’t seem to find anyone who it has worked for, unless it’s somebody who makes money off the whole scam, and even then they’re lying and having SO MUCH COCK OMG, like hogging all the cocks for God. And Mary. Actually, especially for Mary. But… what if Ex-Gay therapy actually worked? And I don’t mean “Hey, that worked; the kid killed himself. NOT SO GAY ANYMORE.” What if they could detect the gay right at birth and bend that twig into a straight… wand? Or apply it later in life? Would things be different? Oh, yes, they’d be different all right. Join me after the jump for some possible side-effects. Read more on What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?…
  let the eagle soar

13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert. Read more on 13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert…
  rolling in the derp

Attention! Achtung! Doctor Says Listening To Adele Makes You Gay!

Normally we do not highlight things that are going to air on Limey Socialist BBC TV, but for this we’ll make an exception, because this poor openly gay UK doctor set himself the task of coming to America to go undercover and explore the wide variety of ex-gay/un-gaying/whatever “therapies” that we have to offer. Land of the free, home of the terrible. That’s us. Read more on Attention! Achtung! Doctor Says Listening To Adele Makes You Gay!…
  queen of denial llc

Marcus Bachmann’s Christian Counseling Practice Has New Name, Is Surprisingly Still In Existence

You gotta hand it to good old sad old Marcus Bachmann. He takes a licking (ewww now we have that image in our head and we HATE us) and keeps on ticking. After the homosexxicans at Truth Wins Out went all undercover-like and found out what we all knew – that Marcus’ “counseling” services was pretty much nothing but holding hands with Marcus while he cast out your gay demons, he still kept on keepin’ on. He’s currently suffering the slings and arrows of being one of the subjects of a federal grand jury probe about all Michele’s funny monies during her comically short presidential campaign, but he remains bloody and unbowed. But maybe these things have been distractions from the really great Christian counseling you could receive from Marcus, but you might be scared off by the Bachmann name, on account of how it is scary. So Marcus has solved this problem by changing the name of his counseling service to the aggressively bland “Counseling Care.” Read more on Marcus Bachmann’s Christian Counseling Practice Has New Name, Is Surprisingly Still In Existence…
  Exeunt Exodus

Super Nice Time! Pray-Away-The-Gay Group Exodus International Admits They Were Jerks, Are Very Sorry, Will Close!

There’s not much to say about this except HOLY SHIT! YES! WOW! WOOOO! THIS IS AMAZING! WE ARE CRYING A LITTLE! No, Joe Biden is not sexting us, it’s BETTER! Exodus International, an organization founded to “help” LGBT people not be gay anymore because Jesus, will now cease to exist. And it’s not because they lost their lease, or got shut down for being horrible; no, their president, Alan Chambers, has just outright said (paraphrasing), “We were wrong, we’re hurting people, Jesus said love everybody, we are really sorry, bye now!” Reading Chambers’s personal statement actually made yr Wonkette wonder if it was a little dusty in here, which is something that hasn’t happened since the end of the movie Armageddon, when Bruce Willis sacrifices himself to save…we can’t, sorry, just read this excerpt from Chambers’ actually-an-apology-apology: Read more on Super Nice Time! Pray-Away-The-Gay Group Exodus International Admits They Were Jerks, Are Very Sorry, Will Close!…
  you get two guesses more than you need

Marcus Bachmann Has A Secret

Well just look what beloved old giggling walrus Marcus Bachmann has sent to our inbox marked with subject line: “Shhh… Don’t tell Michelle.” GO ON? Read more on Marcus Bachmann Has A Secret…
  don we now our gay apparel

Michele Bachmann Leaves ‘Gay Marcus’ Out of Family Xmas Video

Oh look, Michele Bachmann doesn’t even know the names of the random “children” she assembled to make this dumb Christmas video to remind everyone that her gay husband Marcus is so gay that he’s not even allowed in the family Christmas video. “Don’t forget the reason for the season,” sez Michele … which is marginalizing any gay family members during the holidays. Read more on Michele Bachmann Leaves ‘Gay Marcus’ Out of Family Xmas Video…
  it gets better

Homophobic Anti-Robot Bachmann Thugs Bully Gay Iowa Robot

It was another day of thuggery on the Iowa campaign trail as Michele Bachmann’s remaining followers mercilessly booed and taunted a sad gay robot. The pudgy homosexual android just wanted to make a case for itself, but the slob wingnuts just chanted BOOOOO because that’s how they “cure homosexuality.” Speaking of pudgy gay robots, has anyone seen Marcus Bachmann lately? Read more on Homophobic Anti-Robot Bachmann Thugs Bully Gay Iowa Robot…
  the homosexuals!

Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality. Read more on Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed…
  almost makes us miss cindy mccain

Actual News Report: GOP Wives Get Along Together Just Swimmingly

Oh excitement, Entertainment Weekly ABC News got around to recycling one of these sticky cotton candy puff pieces on how the blond Stepford wives of the GOP candidates still manage, against all odds, to behave like perfect ladies amongst themselves even as their deranged spouses hurl feces at one another all day long. What gives them these magical powers? Read more on Actual News Report: GOP Wives Get Along Together Just Swimmingly…
  well there's a surprise

Bachmann’s Former NH Staffers Confirm She Is Totally Dysfunctional

More drama from the Michele Bachmann campaign! Her former team of New Hampshire staffers who all quit Friday put out a very crabby press release stating that they quit not for the glaringly obvious reasons that Michele Bachmann is a serial pill-snarfing nutcase Space Jesus freak married to a flaming closet case who together make hundreds of thousands of dollars off the government through creepy fake homo-curing clinic rackets and Michele’s shell career as a U.S. Representative who collects a fat public salary and benefits for doing sub-zero quantities of legislative work, BUT — instead — because her national campaign team treated them mean. Whatever works! Michele initially tried to claim in her usual reality-defying fashion that these staffers had not actually abandoned their jobs and it was all some kind of socialist media conspiracy, but No, Not This Time. They specifically want us to know they quit because they’re angry at her campaign, and they have lots of dirt to share, after the jump! Read more on Bachmann’s Former NH Staffers Confirm She Is Totally Dysfunctional…
  should we even qualify this as a 'funny picture?'

Bachmann’s Insane Vaccine Claim Is Too Insane, Say Other Insane People

Welcome to the seventh dimension, humans: even Satan’s pet horned toad Rush Limbaugh thinks Michele Bachmann’s ludicrous claim that the Gardasil HPV vaccine causes girls to “suffer mental retardation” is off-the-reservation insane. Read more on Bachmann’s Insane Vaccine Claim Is Too Insane, Say Other Insane People…
  no such thing as 'too much glitter'

Giant Gay Barbarian Horde Mobs Marcus Bachmann’s Clinic (VIDEO)

Gay Halloween Christmas comes early this year! Is that even a legal holiday? No? What is this? Oh, it is Glitter Bomb Fat Closet Case Marcus Bachmann’s Clinic Day! And as it is written, a mob of homosexuals descended upon Marcus Bachmann’s office to sing gay pagan carols to him dressed like cavemen and to receive whippings from a man in a gay Marcus Bachmann wig. Hallelujah! Read more on Giant Gay Barbarian Horde Mobs Marcus Bachmann’s Clinic (VIDEO)…
  halloween costumes gone awry

Is Michele Bachmann Just Marcus Bachmann in a Creepy Mask and Wig?

Notorious pill-gobbling serial fabricator Michele Bachmann made up a stupid lie about how she went to her family reunion in Iowa and then made excuses to the press when she was late for everything that day on account of attending the reunion, which she did not attend. Klassy! Or did she? All we know is that Michele Bachmann says she was there, Michele Bachmann’s mother says that only Marcus was there, ergo: Michele Bachmann is just Marcus Bachmann in a girdle and a gnarly rubber mask, which makes “sense” in a spine-tingling way. Best/worst Republican drag queen outfit since Rudy Giuliani, is our vote! Read more on Is Michele Bachmann Just Marcus Bachmann in a Creepy Mask and Wig?…
  bible stories

Marcus Bachmann Is Only Charge of Michele’s *Important* Decisions, Guys

Everyone’s number one spiritual question for today is: “Should Michele Bachmann ask her gay husband permission if she just wants to have a regular Coke once in a while?” THIS WAS LAST NIGHT’S MOST IMPORTANT GOP DEBATE QUESTION, which was mysteriously booed by the Jerry Springer audience. Anyway, this issue is so important that Bristol Palin’s memoir ghostwriter Nancy French decided (?) to swing by The Corner and type some soothing Christian words to explain, carefully, that Marcus is not Michele’s leather daddy for some Biblical reason other than the obvious one. Sure, we will listen to you, person who writes all day long about the Palin family, veritable “super expert” on Christian living! What was Michele Bachmann really saying when she told us back in June that she became a tax lawyer because God Marcus told her to? “The concept of submission is a bit more nuanced than our feminist sisters understand. Christian women are under the authority of their husbands,” French writes. Weird, that doesn’t sound very nuanced at all! Read more on Marcus Bachmann Is Only Charge of Michele’s *Important* Decisions, Guys…
  bomb everything

Libtards Amazon Bomb Every Annoying Wingnut Ever And Marcus Bachmann

Paul Revere’s Wikipedia Page : bored wingnuts : : Amazon product pages : bored libtards. Our crack network of tipsters indicates that Marcus Bachmann’s Amazon products page is mysteriously currently full of whips and naked pictures of Levi Johnston IF THAT WAS NOT THE CASE SINCE ALWAYS because probably it could have been, we don’t know, no one was paying any attention to “Amazon product pages” until the Internet noticed that Christine O’Donnell’s page was full of vibrators and spell books. So TA-DA it is a very slow news week, and our Wonkette “special investigation” shows that Marcus Bachmann, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin’s “Amazon product pages” are now your one stop shop for every gold-plated set of electrified XXXL anal probes on the market. The Fox News page also includes something called “Hitler’s nipples.” We’ll pretend we never saw that. Read more on Libtards Amazon Bomb Every Annoying Wingnut Ever And Marcus Bachmann…