Tag Archives: marco rubio

  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  is our pundits learning?

Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor

‘Sup, Laura Ingraham? How’ve you been? Keeping busy? Cool, cool. You’ve been doing what? Being deeply confused and kind of full of racist bullshit about immigrants and Puerto Rico? Well, that’s a thing to pass the time, we guess. What idiot wind blew out of your mouth lately? The context of Ingraham’s statement was a rant about Sotomayor’s decision to refer to people in the United States without citizenship or immigration papers as “undocumented immigrants” because, in Sotomayor’s words, calling “them illegal aliens seemed . . . insulting.” After claiming that Sotomayor’s preference for one term over the other somehow reflects insufficient respect for the rule of law, Ingraham said that Justice Sotomayor’s “allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.” Read more on Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor…
  open wide

Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat

Last year, Barack Obama began his unending quest to ram Florida’s tender throat with an openly gay black judge, but Marco Rubio intervened and saved all of Florida, hallelujah Jesus be praised, because if one of the Senators from the nominee’s state doesn’t like him, that’s a nomination killer. Rubio blocked state court judge William Thomas but definitely not because he was gay you guys. It was totally because of how he was all lenient in a couple criminal cases except for the part where the prosecutor supported his sentence in one case and everyone was ultimately convicted anyway in the other one. Eventually, even though the backlog of cases in federal courts is fucking absurd, Bamz withdrew Thomas’s nomination. Hooray! The scourge of teh ghey would torment Florida no more and the people rejoiced and were glad for a brief and shining moment until Obama nominated yet another homosexxican blah person to judge Florida. Read more on Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat…
  the timecube candidate

Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District

Voters in Florida’s 18th Congressional District face a difficult decision in August — should they try to find a viable Republican candidate to face Patrick Murphy, who defeated Allen West in 2012, or should they try this guy: Ilya Katz, a self-described “political refugee of the Soviet Union” who claims to have spent “ten years in Siberian hard labor concentration camp” for his cutting satires against Leonid Brezhnev. And who knows, maybe he did! His bio page also says that after escaping the USSR for Chicago, he worked as a “full time knight watchman and part time professor at Loyola University, Columbia College and Central YMCA College,” where he “lectured on social and political topics concerning socialism and a way to endure in a totalitarism society.” We haven’t done any digging on those claims, but standing on top of a planter and shouting at passing students does count as “lecturing,” doesn’t it? He is not worried about his lack of formal credentials, because as he points out, “Noah’s Ark was built by an amateur, the Titanic was built by professionals.” He also ran against Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in 2012, and managed to get 3124 votes. He is, in short, a “character,” and so it should go without saying that he wins Wonkette’s endorsement. Read more on Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District…
  big box office boredom

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature

You don’t even need to open this week’s Sunday New York Times to know that it is going to be wall-to-wall Chris Christie. First there was the news that he may have blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because the mayor there didn’t love Chris Christie’s real estate development as much as she should have, With those revelations, Christie’s transformation into out-of-control mob boss continues apace. Next up: Chris Christie kneecaps all of Trenton for failing to pay him protection money. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  christmas cheer

On Scale Of One To Dana Rohrabacher, How Drunk Is Marco Rubio In His Christmas Video?

On a scale of one to Dana Rohrabacher, Kaili thinks the answer is “Boehner.” Snipy would like to point out his Lizard People Eyes and slow blinking. We personally like the slurring of “Christians” and also the cheezy boybander smile at the end. Happy Christmas, Marco Rubio, your family seems nice. Read more on On Scale Of One To Dana Rohrabacher, How Drunk Is Marco Rubio In His Christmas Video?…
  they see me trollin'

Obama Touches Raul Castro’s Communist Fingers At Mandela Funeral, Wingnuts Outraged

Monstrous America-hating monster Barack Obama touched a communist today at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela, leading to fairly predictable speculation that the handshake with Cuban President Raul Castro was either evidence of warming relations between the two countries, or proof that Obama shares Mandela’s love for communism, terrorism, and hating Israel. Plus, maybe Obama bowed. Check the video! Was that a bow? Castro’s shorter, so yeah, definitely a bow! Did he whisper state secrets into the communist leader’s ear? INPEACH! Besides, everybody knows you are supposed to spit on people at state funerals and then kick them in the nuts. This Barack Hussein Obama has obviously never read Miss Manners. Read more on Obama Touches Raul Castro’s Communist Fingers At Mandela Funeral, Wingnuts Outraged…
  marco can't dance

Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates

Faced with a massive wave of Tea Partiers fleeing from his 2016 presidential hopes because of his support for comprehensive immigration reform, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is doing what he can to build a higher wall against further progress on fixing America’s broken immigration system. It is not known whether his new opposition to immigration reform will be enough to stem the flow of former rightwing supporters attempting to cross lines into other candidates’ camps. An aide to Rubio told Andrew Breitbart’s Home for Monsters From the Id that while it might be “realistic” for the House to pass several piecemeal bills addressing immigration, the catch is that once such a bill went to committee with the Senate, sneaky Democrats could then use the conference to force a comprehensive reform that might actually allow some Messicans to become citizens. So the smart thing, obviously, is to do nothing, which allows continued bitching about Barack Obama’s refusal to fix immigration. Problem solved! Read more on Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates…
  gop hispanico outreach-o no es bwayno

House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform

Buenos dias, Wonketeers. After weeks of pointless grandstanding by modern-day Dr. Suess El Senor Canadiano Ted Cruz, aren’t we all ready for Congress to, you know, do something positive rather than just tank fourth quarter economic output? Hey, how about that comprehensive immigration reform that the Senate was all positive about. Could be a good idea, what with midterm elections and the grand GOP plan to do more outreach to people who are not white male bible-humpers. Perhaps Tea Party hero and perpetually unquenched Senator Marco Rubio can take a leadership role? Other prominent immigration supporters like Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) have also backed off any deal, saying the Obama administration has “undermined” negotiations by not defunding his signature health care law. Sorry, Messicans and other browns with harder-to-mock country of origins, looks like that damn Kenyan socialist screwed it all up for you by absolutely refusing to defund his signature legislative achievement.  Read more on House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform…
  blah blah blah

Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign

Ok, Glorious Readers, you totally owe us like a gazzilion dollars in donations of monies and/or booze. Because we spent all yesterday afternoon and part of the evening listening to the nasaly, whiny, pompous ass monkey from Texi-Canada, Ted Cruz, mount a fake filibuster about Obamacare. IT. WAS. TEH. WORST. There were several times when sharp objects had to be hurled from the chatcave lest we impale our ears, eyes, and any other sensory organ. We had to endure discussions about Cruz’s father washing dishes, a few references to Nazi Germany (natch), a weird tangent on White Castle, and the continued fact that Obamacare will strangle kittens in the nighttime. Gird your loins, come armed with plenty of alcohol, because we are about to walk you through the world’s worstest fakest filibuster.  Read more on Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign…
  appetizing young hate for sale

Marco Rubio Would Not Like To Try Your Sample Of Obamacare Thank You Very Much

Oh, conservatives. Your perpetual ragesad about Obamacare could power a small country. We lose track of what you are mad at today. What are you mad at today? Oh hey, Marco Rubio. Didn’t see you there. Were you off getting a drink of water? Anyway. What’s got your tear ducts flowing? Oh. You’re sad that the government is going to spend money to advertise a law that you don’t like because not fair? That seems totally reasonable. Read more on Marco Rubio Would Not Like To Try Your Sample Of Obamacare Thank You Very Much…
  please do this

Rush Limbaugh Moderating GOP Debates Will Solve Party’s Problem With Unwelcome Sane Voters Left Clogging Up Their Rolls

Oh RNC, never ever change. In response to CNN and NBC’s unspeakable decision to run some sort of movie type things about Hillary Clinton, RNC Chair Reince Preibus has announced that he is considering taking his GOP debate ball and going home, home to where the folks really speak his language. Because when has CNN ever done a thing like that for a Republican? Like, ever? That little ninety minute thing about Mitt Romney sooo does not count. The Republican National Committee, already threatening to block CNN and NBC from hosting 2016 primary debates if they air planned features on Hillary Clinton, is also looking to scrap the old model of having reporters and news personalities ask the questions at candidate forums. Miffed that their candidates were singled out for personal questions or CNN John King’s “This or That,” when he asked candidates quirky questions like “Elvis or Johnny Cash,” GOP insiders tell Secrets that they are considering other choices, even a heavyweight panel of radio bigs Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin. That sounds perfect? Usually, GOP primaries have been a big fat balancing act for the candidates, because to win the primary elections they have to appeal to their base, the evolution denying, gay soldier booing, execution cheering, true believer elements of the party, whereas to win the general election candidates have to maintain some shred of credibility among the country’s “not terrifying yahoos” demographic. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Moderating GOP Debates Will Solve Party’s Problem With Unwelcome Sane Voters Left Clogging Up Their Rolls…
  dumber and dumberer

Tom Coburn Says Murdering Economy To Stop Obamacare May Backfire

There are two surefire ways to tell if you have a really stupid idea. The first is to ask whether or not you are a Republican. If yes, the idea is likely stupid. If that doesn’t convince you, then look around and see if other conservative asshats are calling you a moron. If both things happen, you can be pretty sure you are a dumbfuck of the highest order. So whose dumbfuckery are we taking note of today?  Take it away, TPM: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) told conservative writer Byron York that, while he’d “love” to cut funding for the new health care law, it’s an unrealistic push by the handful of GOP senators who have pledged to oppose any continuing resolution or appropriations bill that funds Obamacare. Hahahaha. This guy is from OKLAHOMA, which is redder than Rick Santorum’s ass on nickel butt-fuck night, and he is calling the idea unrealistic. What kind of mindless, far-right ideologues are trying to shut down the government and crash the global economy to make a point? Let’s find out.  Read more on Tom Coburn Says Murdering Economy To Stop Obamacare May Backfire…
  Cavalcade Of Futility

Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President

Here’s a poll from Gallup that nicely encapsulates why the Republican party is so screwed: Among Republicans, Paul Ryan is the top choice out of five prospective candidates to lose the presidency to Hillary in 2016 (the others were, in order, Rubio, that amateur dentist fellow, a known Canadian anchor baby, and Chris Christie), but among “adults,” Ryan comes third. The adults like Chris Christie best because he is “real,” probably, and also “bipartisanship,” which in this case means he was not a huge dick to a man he was about to hit up for several billion dollars. We’ll take it, we guess. The big question, of course, is: Will Republican primary voters look past Christie’s flaws, like how he was nice to that Kenyan imposter, and how he maybe thinks evolution is real, and realize he’s pretty much the only person with an “R” after their name that stands a snowball’s chance in the Senate of getting elected? Read more on Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President…
 

Marco Rubio Says IRSgate Fauxspiracy Proves We Must Repeal Obamacare Because Why Not

It’s nice to see Republicans fearlessly continue to overplay their hand on IRSghazigate, isn’t it? A dude in a cubicle in Cincinnati thought some of those teabagger groups what want to overthrow the black president because he lowered their taxes deserved some extra scrutiny before getting their special don’t-have-to-pay-taxes waiver, and Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Quitter) wants to impeach the president, Sen. Mitch McTurtle’s making home videos about how Obama = Nixon, and now Sen. Marco Rubio says a bunch of argle bargle: “So the only answer to this is to repeal Obamacare,” Rubio said in response to an email from a man in Orlando, Fla. “It’s just one more reason why this law is going to be a disaster for our country. And in the months to come, I’m really going to focus on the issue of repealing Obamacare because in addition to the IRS’s role there is all sorts of other problems with regards to Obamacare that we need to answer.” Well, of course IRSgate proves we must repeal Obamacare. Just like Obama’s re-election proves we must repeal Obamacare. Just like the sun rising in the east proves we must repeal Obamacare. Doesn’t everything lead back to repealing Obamacare? Except for the actual three dozen plus votes on repealing Obamacare, which never seem to actually end up with, you know, repealing Obamacare? Read more on Marco Rubio Says IRSgate Fauxspiracy Proves We Must Repeal Obamacare Because Why Not…
  wonksplainer

But What About Gay Messicans?

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them FUCKING RIGHTS. HashtagHappyEmoticon. But there is also happy nice time for teh gheyz on Capitol Hill.  As you may have heard, Congress is debating whether or not to allow Messicans to completely overrun the country and take away all our freedoms and spend all our tax monies on anchor babies, through immigration reform. As it turns out, apparently they’re talking about the ghey, as well. Sen. Leahy (D-Rainbows & Smiles) has filed two amendments to let same-sex couples be treated like human beings regarding immigration. The first, stronger one, allows an American in a bi-national same-sex couple to sponsor the non-American for immigration. For example, if an American lady falls in love with a woman here on a work visa (stealing a job from a real Merican), then this amendment would allow that love to flourish here in the U.S. of A., without deporting said foreigner. The second amendment is weaker – it would allow binational GLBTQMORELETTERS couples who are legally married under state law to sponsor for immigration, meaning only those married in the 11 happy happy states that allow gay marriage (and DC, dammit!! We count!!). Clearly, this has caused those on the right to froth like a rabid Paul Ryan (R-Biceps) without his Tiger Beat.  I mean, do these gays want ALL the same rights as straight people? There has to be a line somewhere. And on that line, we would like to build a giant fence, injeebusnamenowgohomeyouhomokthanksbye. But wait, DDM! I noticed that you said the nice SenatorMan “filed two amendments.” What does that mean? Some wonksplanation is needed! Read more on But What About Gay Messicans?…
  get off america's lawn

Where Is Orly Taitz When We Need Her Most?

It is late afternoon, so you’ve already probably spent about 4-5 hours fapping to copies of Ted Cruz’ resume, right? Yes, he’s the lawyer-cum-senator who is the youngest, longest, bestest at oral…arguments…ever. So! Your masturbation fantasies likely already encompass the possibility that Ted Cruz might someday, if you are very lucky, run for president. YES OH GOD YES YES YES! There’s just that tiiinnnnyy little problem about how Cruz wasn’t born in America like Americans should be: The bottom line in the case of Cruz, who was born in Canada in 1970, is that his father was an immigrant from Cuba and not a U.S. citizen at the time of young Cruz’s birth, but his mother was born and raised in the United States. Wait a goddamn minute. Read more on Where Is Orly Taitz When We Need Her Most?…
  he must have some kind of diaper

In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee

Hey! Check out C-SPAN2! Sen. Rand Paul has been talking, without pause, since 1997, and today he accidentally wandered in front of a microphone, and now the Senate can’t vote on John Brennan becoming CIA director! After 115 cloture motions in the 112th Congress (not including that time Mitch McConnell filibustered… himself), we finally get to see an actual filibuster! Where people are talking! (Obligatory fist-bump to Bernie Sanders, who did this rigamarole in 2010, but we have had a LOT of bull-pucky procedural filibusters since then.) Read more on In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee…
  they got money for wars but can't feed the poor

Marco Rubio Champions The Downtrodden, Opposes Paying Them

Some people, for some reason, got it in their heads that the Republican Party was the party that looked out for rich folks, the party that was ideologically opposed to helping the less fortunate so it could grant new privileges to “job creators.” For some reason, nobody can really remember why, like, 47 percent of the country got really peeved at the GOP, for not having its best interests at heart. But all that has changed now! We have a new Republican Party, one that is supposed to be nice to minorities and poors, led by the beautiful square face of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who cares so much about the fate of the have-nots that he doesn’t think the government should even bother making sure they’re being paid a living wage. Read more on Marco Rubio Champions The Downtrodden, Opposes Paying Them…
  location location location

Marco Rubio Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Middle Class Hell-Hole

Marco Rubio talked last night, we are told (we couldn’t hear him over the yowling noises coming from his Sad Hairs), about some stuff. Like the middle class, and how he is middle class, and how he loves living among the middle class and you won’t find him leaving his beloved middle class neighborhood to hang out with the Limousine Ayerses in Hyde Park (probably). So let’s look at the $675,000 real estate listing for the middle class home Rubio is trying to sell, so he can decamp with his family to tony DC! Read more on Marco Rubio Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Middle Class Hell-Hole…