Tag Archives: marco rubio

  a florida man you can drink!

Watch Us Get Nekkid In Church and Dunkin Donuts: Your Florida Roundup

Now you drink all the Florida Man you want
See that guy up there? Yr Florida Correspondent has seen bigger. A giant alligator that was recently spotted on a Florida golf course has become a social media star. The huge gator, described as “a dinosaur looking reptile” on the club’s Facebook page, appeared at the Myakka Pines Golf Club in Englewood, Fla. on March 6. … Myakka Pines Golf Club General Manager Mickie Zada told FoxNews.com that the gator was 12 or 13 feet long, and is one of dozens of alligators on the club’s grounds. OK, it is not true that Yr Florida Correspondent has seen bigger. But we have seen more than our share of big-ass alligators wandering waaaaay too close, and we try to avoid ponds and swamps and alligator habitats whenever possible, which is not often possible because we live in a giant swamp buried under concrete and McMansions. Read more on Watch Us Get Nekkid In Church and Dunkin Donuts: Your Florida Roundup…
  dehydration makes you stupid

Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!

Stay thirsty, my friends
Florida Senator Marco “Polo” Rubio, your next president in his own head, is a self-styled Deep Thinker and Very Serious Person™, and as such, he has Concerns with the deal “President” Obama is negotiating with Iran. (Of course Rubio, a vacuous cypher, was one of the 47 traitors Republican senators who sent that har-har-just-kidding letter telling Iran that the fake president’s negotiations don’t really count, and of course he tried to raise money off of it.) Read more on Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!…
  Twitter diplomacy

Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!

Dang, still looks nothing like him.
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Howdy Doody Jindal wants to be president one day. That’s never going to happen, but just in case it does, which it never will, he’s promising not to do a single thing in the second half of his second term, because a REAL president would know better than to act like he’s still the president and, like, get stuff done. Read more on Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!…
  freeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!1!

Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup

Good news, everyone! According to some outfit called the John Locke Foundation, which is based in North Carolina and apparently doesn’t visit often, Florida is not only the state where half-senile olds turn out in droves to elect baldheaded, Medicare-frauding cartoon ghouls governor (twice), but also the “freest” state in the nation. Of course, as the good folks at Reason remind, this can only be so if you ignore all the bullshit our cops do (and, I might add, the fact that we fought like hell against letting the gays marry and voted down medical marijuana at the Reefer Madness-style urging of the law enforcement establishment). But that’s okay, because the John Locke folks don’t really give a fuck about civil liberties or any other such hippie nonsense. Nope, it’s all guns and taxes and vouchers and hating on Medicaid for the poors — they seem like such nice people — and Florida kicks everyone’s ass on that stuff: Read more on Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup…
  keep your gubmint health care hippie

Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now

He has ideas too, you know
Do you guys all remember the time Marco Rubio — Jeb Bush’s understudy to be the presidential candidate from Florida who loses to Queen Hillary Clinton — and his merry band of Florida Republicans were all like, man, fuck this Obamacare bullshit, we’ll do it ourselves, and went and set up their own rad alternative health care exchange, this thing called Florida Health Choices, where you could buy health insurance (or at least discount coupons for certain services) just as Jesus and Ayn Rand intended and no babies had to be ’borted. Read more on Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now…
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Welcome back to Florida, the quintessential backdrop for Sharknado III, where it’s weirdly not warm outside — though it ain’t like Ithaca — and we’re all freaking out a little bit because nobody has any winter clothes, thanks Obama. Read more on Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease

Chris Christie had no comment on this screenshot
Rachel Maddow brings us Day Two of Republicans trying to figure out whether they believe in vaccinations against deadly diseases. In London, Chris Christie apparently took seriously her Monday piece about the curse of American politicians saying dumb things when they went to that city, because he refused to talk to reporters all day Tuesday, and not just about vaccinations. About anything. Read more on Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease…
  don't hurt yourself reaching for that outrage

Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response

biased pic i'm sure
Bobby Jindal. Bob McDonnell. Paul Ryan. My Man Mitch. Thirsty Guy. CMR. Delivering the GOP’s State of the Union rebuttal can launch a starry-eyed Republican to anywhere on a scale of Hapless Presidential Ticket to federal prison. So who, pray tell, will be this year’s sacrificial pap purveyor who argues against middle-class tax cuts on behalf of the GOP? (Please say Joni Ernst. Please say Joni Ernst. Please say — ) Read more on Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response…
  They're Doing Science And We're Still Alive

Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio Now In Charge Of Murdering Science In The Senate

We'd watch this, actually
It’s a great day to not believe in science, America! Sen. John Thune, chair of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, has picked the perfect heads for two science subcommittees: Ted Cruz, who doesn’t like NASA doing science related to global warming, will head the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. And Marco Rubio, another climate denier and one of the first adopters of the “I’m not a scientist” meme, will chair the Subcommittee on Oceans, Atmosphere, Fisheries and Coast Guard, which of course has oversight of NOAA, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Gentlemen, start your fox and henhouse clichés! Read more on Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio Now In Charge Of Murdering Science In The Senate…
  Obviously a distraction from SomethingElseGhazi

GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’

Chock fulla wet beans.
It sure would be nice if we could put aside our partisan differences for just one half of one second to agree that torturing people — by, for example, raping prisoners with food, or, for another example, killing them — is bad and wrong, and we shouldn’t do that. But yeah, sure, right, whatEVER. This is America, where the one and only time we can agree on anything at all is that Nazis suck. Read more on GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’…
  Go Get Your Bass

‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot

GET IT!?
O the joys of being a young conservative hack. You’re on a glide path to David Brooks’ seat on the New York Times op-ed board, and all you have to do is rewrite GOP press releases into #PoliticalHotTakes! Literally your only job is to make those talking points sound plausible, something the Daily Beast‘s Tim Mak didn’t manage to do with this puerile fantasy about the Republicans’ new “Rainbow Coalition.” Read more on ‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot…
  It’s just like common sense and stuff

Marco Rubio’s Not A Scientist, Man, But He Is An Ebola Expert

He has ideas too, you know
Republican Florida Man Marco Rubio “is not a scientist, man,” but that doesn’t preclude him from knowing exactly what we must do to combat the spread of Ebola. That’s why he’s introducing a Senate bill to force the U.S. of A government to do what he knows is the “common sense” solution, even if the U.S. of A government hasn’t asked for his help and has already said the “common sense” solution will just make things worse. Read more on Marco Rubio’s Not A Scientist, Man, But He Is An Ebola Expert…
  Many Bocans Died For These Plans

Florida GOP Vaporizes Obamacare With Fully Operational Free Market Alternative

Now, observe the power of the free market!
Florida Republicans had a great idea: Instead of expanding Medicaid under the socialist tyranny of Obamacare, they’d let the Free Market show off what it could do. So they spent $900,000 to build a website that would allow Floridians to buy private health insurance plans from participating companies. Competition would surely lead everyone to a terrific deal! And in the six months since Florida Health Choices (floridahealthchoices.net) went online, it has proven to be a huge success, signing up 30 people, which is almost as many as the 984,000 Floridians who decided to just go with the regular socialist Obamacare options instead. Expanding Medicaid, on the other hand, would have only brought health insurance to 764,000 people who make too much money for Medicaid now, but don’t qualify for subsidies under Obamacare, so Florida Republicans can be proud that they have provided a real incentive to hundreds of thousands of people to get rich so they can not die from treatable illnesses. Read more on Florida GOP Vaporizes Obamacare With Fully Operational Free Market Alternative…
  We're Not Even Kidding

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Don’t You Dare Say “Not All Men” Edition

As it damn well should, the Times leads with the horrific shooting in California Friday night, but nothing about the Times’s dispassionate reporting style can capture the godawful misogyny that is at the core of Eliot Rodger’s murderous rampage in Santa Barbara. To its credit (?), the Times does link to Rodger’s full manifesto, which is a document that oozes hate for women, that causes the hair on the back of your neck and your arms to prickle with sick recognition: this might be mental illness, but it is an illness that is not unfamiliar to women who routinely and disproportionately are the victims of harassment, neglect, violence, and death at the hands of men. Rodger’s actions were an extreme manifestation of a cultural view that is not actually uncommon: that women “owe” men attention, that women who don’t put out are bitches, that women who do put out — for other guys, of course — are sluts, and all these women get what they “deserve” — violence from men. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Don’t You Dare Say “Not All Men” Edition…
 

Marco Rubio A Climatologist And An Obstetrician Now, Will Tell You When Babby Is Formed

Human-shaped fecal matter Marco Rubio has been taking some heat the last couple of days over his weekend comments regarding climate change and how it’ll take a lot more than 99% of climate scientists saying it is happening to convince him that it is actually happening, and even if it is happening, we don’t know how much of it is attributable to human activity so why bother doing anything to possibly mitigate the effects? Since all the media outlets criticizing Rubio are liberal water carriers for Big Climate, grunting homunculus Sean Hannity interviewed the senator on the radio on Wednesday afternoon and gave him a chance to respond. It went well, if your definition of “well” includes “caused yr Wonkette to hit ourselves in the face with a Louisville Slugger until we passed out.” Rubio’s argument? Liberals are enormous hypocrites for claiming the science of climate change is settled while simultaneously denying that science has also settled that life begins at conception, because that undermines the case for abortion. Our response? GLARGHASLJXNIDFJDIJEW!!!!11!!!!!! Read more on Marco Rubio A Climatologist And An Obstetrician Now, Will Tell You When Babby Is Formed…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Pledges To Do More Nothing About Climate Change Than Anyone Else (Video)

Stephen Colbert has The Word on the White House’s recently released climate report, an assessment that has him “so terrified that it left a carbon footprint in my pants.” Climate change is real, it’s here now, and it’s bad (“I have always believed that I have always said that”). So what’s to be done about it? Read more on Stephen Colbert Pledges To Do More Nothing About Climate Change Than Anyone Else (Video)…
  shhh the adults are talking

Watch Mika Brzezinski Shut Down Joe Scarborough As He Sputters About Climate Change

We do not usually watch “Morning Joe” unless we are looking for tips as to whether to tuck our shirt collar inside our sweaters or not these days, and also too because “Morning Joe” is a monumentally stupid name. However, we will always endure a few minutes of it whenever it involves Mika Brzezinski telling Joe Scarborough to STFU because that is a thing we yell at our teevee every time we are forced to watch Joe Scarborough do anything. Let’s set the stage for the Mika smackdown, shall we? Living breathing receding hairline Marco Rubio showed up on “This Week” on Sunday to explain that he just doesn’t believe in climate change, probably because of Jesus or that his head is too far in the sand, or perhaps just a simple little difference of opinion. Read more on Watch Mika Brzezinski Shut Down Joe Scarborough As He Sputters About Climate Change…
  apocalypse soonish

GOP Candidates For President In 2016 Already Getting A Jump On Looking Like Ignorant Mullet-Heads

Maybe the Republican National Committee should consider sending all its party’s presidential candidates on a round-the-world cruise for the next two years so they can’t spend that time saying stupid shit on television and turning off the American public. Take Marco Rubio. Over the weekend he senator from the great insane state of Florida gave an interview to Jonathan Karl for ABC’s This Week, where Our Man in Havana asserted that, scientists be damned, this global climate change thingy you hear about is a myth. I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there — including scientists — that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Our climate is always changing. And what they have chosen to do is take a handful of decades of research, and say that this is now evidence of a longer-term trend that’s directly and almost solely attributable to manmade activity. We’re pretty sure that a trend you can see over decades of research is still a trend, even if it’s only a tiny handful of decades. But what does Marco care, just because the largest city in his insane state is at risk of disappearing under rising seas? Science is just a theory anyway. Marco also said he is opposed to all the climate-change-mitigating laws that anyone might want to pass because they will do nothing but wreck our vibrant economy. This will be a great comfort to our descendants as they row across what was once the San Fernando Valley to put some waterlogged dollars in the collection plate at Marco Rubio’s Floating Palace of Jesus Magic. Read more on GOP Candidates For President In 2016 Already Getting A Jump On Looking Like Ignorant Mullet-Heads…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Seems To Think The NRA Is Paranoid For Some Reason (video)

Tuesday’s Daily Show had some fun with last weekend’s NRA convention, leading off, as one must, with the WTF heard round the world, Sarah Palin’s weird joke about how waterboarding is how she’d baptize terrorists. And then he reminded us that this person was once the vice presidential candidate of one of America’s national political parties. (And don’t think we missed your borrowing of the Wonkette catchphrase “She seems nice,” Mister Jon Stewart. Fine. Now we’ll just have to put up with people saying we stole that…) Read more on Jon Stewart Seems To Think The NRA Is Paranoid For Some Reason (video)…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…