Tag Archives: marco rubio

  It's Trump All The Way Down

Republicans Want Trump, And If Not Him, Then Maybe Trump Would Do

Trump / Trump 2016!
Trump/Trump 2016! How much do Republican primary voters love Donald Trump? So much that he didn’t only lead the latest CNN/ORC poll, released Tuesday — the Walking Headcase also led the list of respondents’ second choice for president as well. Then again, maybe the results would be different if CNN were polling regular people instead of Orcs. (Elves and Wizards are definitely for Bernie Sanders, while the top response among Hobbits is “Can’t talk now, eating.”) Read more on Republicans Want Trump, And If Not Him, Then Maybe Trump Would Do…
  Natural Born Idiots

Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President

You'd be surprised how many mollusks are in high office
It’s nice to know that the birthers won’t go away merely because Barack Hussein Obama is finally going to end his illegal eight-year occupation of the White House in January 2017. Now that they’ve studied up a whole lot on what they think is the incontrovertible law of the United States of America, they’ve decided that four of the guys riding the 2016 GOP clown car may also be ineligible to be president because they’re not really Natural Born Citizens. Read more on Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  Won't someone PLEASE think of the kittens?

Vote For Marco Rubio, Or The Kitten Gets It

Attention, Wonkette and the rest of the world, Very Important Kitten news that is also news news! Oh, that Marco Rubio. He’s so young and hip and edgy and the perfect New American CenturyTM presidential candidate for all the kids these days who are worried about Cuba. And that old Bush-era threat of human-animal hybrids, apparently. But you don’t have to give Marco Rubio’s clever campaign team your email to watch the video, because we watched it for you and it’s real dumb. He just makes some noises with his face about how an egg inside a lady’s baby oven is actually a full-grown human being and will never turn into a cat, it’s a science fact, MAN. Pro-life! Read more on Vote For Marco Rubio, Or The Kitten Gets It…
  Republicans in so much damned disarray

Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome

They sure love us
How’s the lady outreach going? The Republican Party is in the middle of a terribly bloody fight right now about which one of these assholes is the biggest asshole to women. (Hint: It’s all of them.) Thanks to the party’s current favorite presidential contender, Donald Trump, the GOP is trying, yet again, to prove it does not hate Vagina-Americans. And, like all the other failed attempts before this one, it’s going as well as you’d expect. Read more on Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome…
  Hillary be like ROTFLMAO

Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans

This election is going better than 2008, we think.
Donald Trump is under the impression he won Thursday’s debate, but that honor may actually go to America’s queen, Hillary “Hillz” Clinton, who seems to be having a gay old time, no homo, making fun of all the doofuses and dillweeds what are running against her on the Republican side. First we have the video above, which her campaign released just in case people missed the debate and want to see what happened. It’s got Jeb! Bush not knowing when the primaries are, Rand Paul and Chris Christie slap-fighting like schoolchildren, Donald Trump calling every lady in America a “fat pig,” and so on. Read more on Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans…
  losers

Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today’s Republican Party So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.) Read more on Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President…
  Every Word Is A Drinking Game

Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing First Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog

He’s ready. YOU ready? Didn’t we all have such a good time laughing at the second-tier candidates’ debate? We sure did! Now let’s watch Donald Trump and the other guys have their turn. And hey, if you missed the Kids’ Table debate from earlier today, like during “All My Children” or whenever it was on, go read Wonkette’s live-blog of that, and catch up on all the news about how Lindsey Graham is going to die alone, Carly Fiorina sexts with Bibi Netanyahu and Rick Santorum used “optimism” to put seven babies in his wife’s butt. // < ![CDATA[ (function() { var lb24 = document.createElement('script'); lb24.type = 'text/javascript'; lb24.id = '24lbScript'; lb24.async = true; lb24.charset="utf-8"; lb24.src = '//v.24liveblog.com/embed/24.js?id=1299000'; (document.getElementsByTagName('head')[0] || document.getElementsByTagName('body')[0]).appendChild(lb24);})(); // ]]> Read more on Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing First Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog…
  The Browns Will Defeat The Rainbow!

Erick Erickson: Fertile Latinos Will Breed Permanent GOP Majority, Strong Like Bull

Just lie back and think of gerrymandering
Oh, sure, you liberals may be feeling pretty chuffed with how well 2015 has been going for you, what with your Obamacare surviving and your Supreme Court Victory for Sodom, and your beloved Barry Bamz just having a fine time being a highly mobile duck who isn’t the least bit lame, but the real joke is on YOU, according to Teabagging never-nude Erick Erickson. You see, he knows that conservatives have a secret weapon in their quiver, and that is the fact that the Latins will out-breed you birth-controlling liberals and you queerfolk what can’t make babbies at all. Welcome to extinction, you with all your abortions! Read more on Erick Erickson: Fertile Latinos Will Breed Permanent GOP Majority, Strong Like Bull…
  All your questions answered

Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL
It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin. Read more on Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!…
  Could Someone Please Use A Stalin Analogy For Variety?

Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum

Don't assume the Iran deal is a Shoah thing
In the days since Mike Huckabee’s fascinating, totally new strategy of calling Barack Obama Hitler for negotiating a freeze on Iran’s nuclear arms program (which can never work because Iran is Nazi Germany), the Republican Party has rediscovered just how heady that metaphor is, with an enthusiasm not seen since the halcyon Teabag Summer of 2009, when Obama was Hitler for making people get health insurance. Only now, as Huckabee himself explained, it’s totally different, because there are Real Jews who will get Holocausted by Iran! And never mind whether actual Jews are offended by the comparison, because after all, the Jews went and let themselves get killed in 1939-1945 anyway, so they probably need a Baptist preacher to explain things for them. It should be no surprise that Republicans are running to jump on the bandwagon — or maybe it’s more of a Panzerkampfwagen — to sagely proclaim that yes indeed, Barack Obama is pretty much Hitler, Chamberlain, or maybe both of them plus Adolf Eichmann, just itching to send all the Jews to Auschwitz, now that he’s given Iran the Sudetenland and the Bomb. Which they were going to get if there hadn’t been a nuke deal, but somehow actually limiting their nuke program is worse. Read more on Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum…
  We like this Obama

President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes

Just pointing out the obvious
Now that President Barry H. O’Bamz is this close to being SO outta here and SO done with all of our bullcrap, he really does not give a good goddamn. And he will say anything he wants to say. He will say the N-word, even though you pasty white mofos on Fox don’t get to, unfair! — and then he’ll say the P-word, the Q-word, the silent H-word, and all the other words, too. Read more on President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes…
  Classier than Ann Romney's horse probably

Marco Rubio Thinks President Obama Is No-Class Bitch

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.
La di da and fiddle dee dee, who knew Miss Marco Rubio was such a delicate little flower? But he is, it turns out, because while sitting on the Stupid Sofa of Stupid on “Fox & Friends,” the soon-to-be-unemployed senator from Florida pearl-clutched so hard about just how Not Classy the president is. Why? you may ask, as if it’s not obvious. Well! Did you know the president went on “The Daily Show” — which, Rubio will have you know, is a “comedy show” — where he made light of “something as serious as Iran”? It is true! Here is the president, casually and unseriously talking about Iran, how dare he, so uncouth! Read more on Marco Rubio Thinks President Obama Is No-Class Bitch…
  Cooking The Books

Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List

To Grift, or not to Grift...
Oh, see how the liberal New York Times is mistreating and suppressing Ted Cruz! Outrageous! Horrors! His publisher sold a bejillion copies of his new book-shaped object, A Time For Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America, but is the Times giving it the place it deserves on the Bestseller list? Obviously it is not, because the New York Times just hates books by conservatives, like Chris Kyle’s American Sniper (still on the combined book/ebook list after 72 weeks) or David Brooks’s The Road To Character, or Ann Coulter’s Adios, America!, (currently #6 and #11 on Hardcover nonfiction). Read more on Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List…
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…