Tag Archives: malia obama

  Meanest dad ever

Tyrant Dad Barack Obama Won’t Let His Girls Text At Dinner Table, IMPEACH!

No fair, why does HE get to use his phone and we can't? MOM!
BARACK OBAMA IS THE MEANEST DAD IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS. Why? Uh, because his daughters are never going to be popular, like ever, because what if Chrissy texts one of them like “Hey Malia we’re nominating you for the popularity contest but you have to respond to this text within 10 minutes, otherwise we’re nominating you for the dork contest and you win LOL emoji emoji emoji,” but mean President Dad says no phones at the dinner table, GOD DAD, MY LIFE IS RUINED FOREVER: Read more on Tyrant Dad Barack Obama Won’t Let His Girls Text At Dinner Table, IMPEACH!…
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13. When asked why she doesn’t come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER: Read more on There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again…
  pieholes are for shutting

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute

Huck must have needed a whole bottle of his heart pills when this popped up on screen.
Mike Huckabee, a man so unpleasant that dogs will commit suicide to avoid being dragged home to meet him, has been looking for a way he can distinguish himself as this election cycle’s go-to moral scold. Not content to call a black entertainer a pimp for letting his singer wife dance around on a stage like a common tart, he has now gone after two of the singer’s fans by questioning their parents’ judgment for letting them listen to her music. Oh, and those fans happen to be Malia and Sasha Obama. Damn kids, always listening to that Negro jazz and swinging their hips around like horny sex monsters and such! Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute…
  God Tells Congressional Aide To Lay Off Teenagers

Klassy GOP Lady Real Sorry For Calling Obama Daughters Skanks

You’ve probably heard by now about the bravest American in America, who bravely shamed first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama for disgracing themselves and America and mom and apple pie by being teenagers, standing around like a couple of teenagers, making bored teenage faces at their dad’s lame dad jokes, like a couple of teenagers. Can you impeach the president’s daughters? Or at least sue them or something? They’re repeat offenders, even. Read more on Klassy GOP Lady Real Sorry For Calling Obama Daughters Skanks…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  And She Liked It

Malia Obama Kicked A Girl, And The Daily Caller Is ON IT

Here is a very good “entertainment” post, “Malia Obama Straight Up Kicked A Girl At Lollapalooza.” It is from the Daily Caller. We present it to you in its entirety. Malia Obama kicked a (presumably) American citizen at Lollapalooza, and not only did the Secret Service fail to act, the kicked victim was happy about it. Read more on Malia Obama Kicked A Girl, And The Daily Caller Is ON IT…
  take the money and run

Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners

It’s a day ending in -y, so you better bet Glenn Beck is out there whipping people into a frenzy over completely made-up shit. Seriously, what is it like to be that paranoid all the time? It must be weird to live with the constant certainty that every mundane occurrence is actually the government generally or Barack Obama personally coming for you and your stuff. Today’s scaremongering came with this SHOCKING HEADLINE: “This happened: Government confiscates money from a member of Glenn’s staff.” Yes, that totally makes it sound as if rando dude that works with Glenn Beck, Joe Kerry, had some jackbooted thugs come take his money away so they could give it right to Sasha and Malia, but you don’t need us to tell you that’s some straight up nonsense. Read more on Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Fun Tips For Hiding Your Loaded Guns

Hurrah, Yr Derp Roundup is back after a brief hiatus, and we are delighted to bring you a premium selection of the gunk that was stuck to our browser tabs, stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. We recommend adding the reality-dilution substances of your choice. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fun Tips For Hiding Your Loaded Guns…
  the reaping

Ann Coulter Says It Is Now Time To ‘Go After’ The Obama Children

Despite steadfastly declaring a year ago that if people nominated Mitt Romney to be president, “we’ll lose,” fervent Mitt Romney supporter and reluctant believer in math Ann Coulter has now decided that in order for loser Mitt to lose slightly less appallingly, his supporters and the undecided tens of millions on the right must “go after” Sasha and Malia Obama. Of course, with recent Oaxacagate, we have seen that this subtle strategy is already well in effect. But now Ann Coulter has arrived, and she will take over from here. How does one go after a child, though, besides attacking their spring break style? Read more on Ann Coulter Says It Is Now Time To ‘Go After’ The Obama Children…
  oh my god

Rick Santorum Calls Out Obama For Daughter’s Mexican Vacation

Did you hear that President Obama allowed his daughter to go to Mexico with 12 friends and 25 Secret Service agents? Our friends on the right end of the political spectrum have been calling it poor leadership for the First Parents to send their child to Deathly Mexico after the State Department recently issued a travel warning for certain parts of the country (that don’t include Oaxaca, where Malia was visiting). At least this is the angle — “hypocrisy,” a bullshitter’s best argument-friend — they’re basically using it as an excuse to call the Obama family jet-setting spendthrifts. And now classy piglet Rick Santorum, who is actually wading into this story about the President’s daughter, is calling Obama a bad father/president who is setting a bad example. Sweet jiminy Christ burgers. Read more on Rick Santorum Calls Out Obama For Daughter’s Mexican Vacation…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored

‘Twas the Christmas Tree-Lighting Time at the White House last Thursday night, and this year’s theme was “Controversy and Nostalgia.” Controversy, because for the first time since the debut of Dallas, there was a new tree at the White House. (The old one got knocked down by winds or Katrina or something, and the new tree is a gay terrorist tree, from New Jersey.) Americans like their traditions, so this was a risky move, but luckily the Olds were entertained by Muppets and that Carson character from the MTV Total Request Live. Our lovely FLOTUS was the star performer, of course. She read a story with Kermit the Frog, which delighted everyone, except Malia Obama, whose life is now ruined. Read more on Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees

Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as they could, to add “Ruined Michelle Obama’s day” to their useless resumés. Of course, our FLOTUS can easily bounce back from any non-scandal, maybe because she has Harry Potter on her side or because she is a magazine model, but mostly because no one actually cares about what Michelle Obama eats for lunch, especially Michelle Obama, who is busy implementing the next phase of her anti-obesity campaign, which involves bees. Read more on FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees…
  birthdays in the news

Senile Obama Is Very Excited For His Senior Citizen Discounts

What happened to that handsome young gentleman who was elected president back in 2008? He would hang out on the beach, shirtless, providing lots of wallpaper material for Marcus Bachmann’s likely collection of secret dungeons. Oh, this Obama is gone now, and has been replaced by a grumpy old curmudgeon who is literally counting the days until he can start getting discounts at the Applebee’s, even though his numeracy skills are not what they used to be. “I’m going to be turning 50 in a week,” old man Barack Obama said today, three weeks before his birthday. Err, silly misunderstanding – the Kenyan calendar is different than the American one. Read more on Senile Obama Is Very Excited For His Senior Citizen Discounts…
  common celebrity bullshit

Obama Pens Anorexia Children’s Book

President Obama has written a children’s book, apparently, and it will be released November 16. It’s called Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters, because when you are president, you cannot just simply write your daughters a letter and hand it to them, you have to send it to a publisher and have them make hundreds of thousands of copies months later, and then you will tell your daughters to go to the book store and buy themselves a copy. But look at that cover. Why did Obama paint his daughters so much thinner than his dog? UNREALISTIC STANDARDS OF BEAUTY. Feminists, get on this! Read more on Obama Pens Anorexia Children’s Book…
  kids these days

Matt Drudge Will Have To Parent This Child, If No One Else Will

Matt Drudge is such an OCD closet queen with massive Asperger’s and autism and stuff. These are the kind of Mutant Powers of obnoxiousness that are required to make money in America these days. But it also results in strange outbursts like this, where he is compelled to tell Malia Obama, via a link to Yahoo! Answers, that she must cover her mouth while yawning or THE GERMS WILL GET EVERYWHERE GAHHH!!!!!! Read more on Matt Drudge Will Have To Parent This Child, If No One Else Will…
  annals of etiquette

White House To Press: Pls Do Not Stalk Obama Girls

Because there is no news this August except for the news about the moral and physical decline of America due to Death Panel rationing, an increasingly bored press corps turns to the Obama family for succor. “Enh, there’s this bit about Michelle and her shorts,” they say to each other, and that’s good for a day or two. But what shall they do next week? Read more on White House To Press: Pls Do Not Stalk Obama Girls…