An evangelist named Dr. K.A. Paul, whom the New Republic has called the most popular evangelist in the world (read: has sodomized more little boys than the others), has shockingly endorsed the Muslin candidate, Barack Obama, in what must be an all-time first! This dude, who we will respectfully dub “The Other Dr. Paul” for the sake of LIBERTY! and FREEDOM!, offered three reasons for his endorsement: restoring America’s image abroad, eliminating the Bush/Republican economic policies, and punishing George W. Bush for his ineffectiveness in bringing about the second coming of Christ as the Bible had ordered him to do. As you can see, one of these reasons is insane on a COSMIC SCALE. What kind of drugs must this guy be on to think that the Bush economic policies have failed us?? MORE »

Ron Paul’s very special press conference has ended and, we regret to inform, it featured no “Tournament of Losers”-style death match among the various third-party candidates he invited. He totally copped out and endorsed three third-party candidates: Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, and Chuck Baldwin. He was planning on endorsing Bob Barr, too, but selfish Barr didn’t want to share the blessing with his fellow losers and refused to show up. Ha ha, Bob Barr is in loser-denial. But Paul redeemed his hazy endorsement of these competing hippie agendas by revealing that Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm tried to force him into endorsing John McCain. And somehow Paul fended off his heroically persuasive powers! MORE »

It was confusing when Hispanic rapper guy Daddy Yankee endorsed John McCain in person the other day, because who is Daddy Yankee? Also, he makes songs about semen, and they are John McCain’s favorite songs along with “Dancing Queen.” Now we’ve learned, however, that Daddy Yankee wanted to endorse Obama earlier in the year but wasn’t allowed to. Although Fox News denies this, and says that Daddy Yankee and WALNUTS! have been friends since they met at a Most Important People On Earth party in 2005. [Ben Smith, Fox News]

Now that his wife isn’t running anymore, will Bill Clinton revert to being arguably the most popular Democratic official of the last half-century and, you know, help his party out a bit? Maybe hold a big public endorsement spectacle for Obama? Maybe later! He has finally indicated, however, that he will support the Democratic nominee for president, via a one-sentence statement from his people: “President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.” Obviously! Maybe he will appear with Hillary and Obama in Unity, New Hampshire on Friday. Or maybe he will cry. Still. [Hotline]

West Virginia’s Robert Byrd, the president pro-tem of the U.S. Senate and a former member of the KKK, has endorsed — gasp! — the Kenyan candidate, Barack Obama! Although he hates black people, Byrd notes that he has “been one of the most outspoken opponents of the Bush administration’s misguided war in Iraq and its saber rattling around the globe,” and this shared view is Obama’s appeal to him. And lest we forget, Byrd made some pretty harrowing speeches before and at the outset of the Iraq War. [Charleston Gazette]

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle.

UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page]

Although John McCain continues to battle himself for the Republican nomination, the news today should help a little bit. Nancy Reagan, the somehow-still-alive widow of famous ghost Ronald Reagan, will endorse him tonight at her fat cat home in California. As you may have heard, John McCain was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution, the legacy of which includes a soaring federal budget, entrenched partisanship, and Mitt Romney. And this is why some president’s wife will be endorsing John McCain tonight, in Outer Space. [Jonathan Martin]

Hmm, do you catch any trace of a smile on Bill Richardson’s face in this photo? Barack clearly doesn’t want to shake his hand — he doesn’t know what kind of Tijuana hellholes that burly paw has been in. At some point in Richardson’s endorsement speech, however, he was supposed to turn towards Obama and smile. We know this because the Obama campaign gave out copies of Richardson’s speech to the press, but forgot to delete this stage direction: “[Turn toward Obama and smile].” Richardsonbot, fail. MORE »

It’s strange, sort of, that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson would endorse Barack Obama right now. True, Richardson is a psychotically ambitious career-builder who likes to keep his name in the papers. And someone like Richardson only sees an endorsement as a bargaining chip for an appointed position, because he loves nothing more than bragging about his resume. Job, jobs, jobs, look at all the jobs I’ve had, blah blah, make me President because of my jobs, so then I can get more new jobs. So what job did kindly Obama throw his way, and can Richardson’s job experience help undecided voters trust Obama? MORE »

Ha ha, when George W. Bush endorsed John McCain, some guy in the crowd kept shouting at them to hold a conference every week, forever. Bush called him “unruly.” John McCain realized that he should never be in the presence of George W. Bush again.

*CORRUPT JANUS UNION TO ENDORSE OBAMA:* Take that, Buffenbarger! Your two-faced Roman god Janus, Barack Obama, has earned the Teamsters union endorsement. The Teamsters represent 1.4 million Americans, and they also control the Democratic political machine, but that was actually like 60 years ago. Meanwhile, all that remains of Hillary Clinton’s base is a ladies’ bridge club in Westchester county, but they might be tilting towards McCain. [AP/Breitbart]