Tag Archives: mahmoud ahmadinejad

  Cops Of The World

Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran

Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer a middle course of moar gunz, but not-too-big gunz, for the Free Syrian Army. This decision comes partly in response to recent confirmation that the Assad regime used chemical weapons, including sarin gas, against rebels. That means Assad crossed a “red line” without even buying a home in a white neighborhood, so we pretty much had to do guns on Syria, because “Superpowers don’t bluff” is a thing that Tony Blinken, some kinda war dude, reportedly said to Obama. No word on whether Winken and Nod concurred, nor whether they were actually just acting out a scene from The West Wing, because how pithy! Read more on Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun News Roundup: Wayne LaPierre Is A Vile Sack of Garbage, Plus Some Things You Might Have Not Already Known

Greetings, representatives of the People’s Glorious Wonkitburo! We thought we would start this edition of Our Cold Dead Hands with a gun-related tale that could have had terrible and tragic consequences for world diplomacy, but because no one was hit with any shotgun pellets, turned out to be amusing in a “Holy flurking shnit” sort of way. It seems that back in 2006, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York for the United Nations General Assembly, that forum every year where the world’s craziest leaders get a chance to stand up and denounce the Zionists or water fluoridation or whatever plot their fortune tellers see in a bunch of goat entrails spread on a rock in their backwards desert kingdoms. One day during the confab, Ahmadinejad and his entourage were getting into their cars outside his hotel. Nearby, a Secret Service agent (the Secret Service guards foreign dignitaries when they are in the U.S.) was adjusting a shotgun mounted on the side of his Suburban when the gun went off. Luckily no one was hurt. Our favorite part of the story is that Ahmadinejad heard the shotgun blast, looked around, and seemingly thought to himself “Gunfire? Oh right, I’m in America.” Then he got into his car and drove to the U.N. because again, America, what are you going to do, amiright? Anyway, everyone close your eyes and try to imagine the nightmare of an international incident that would have been a Secret Service agent accidentally blowing away Iran’s leader on U.S. soil. During the Bush Administration, no less. And the Secret Service, you would think those guys would be be firearms experts! But no one was hurt or killed, so it falls under the rubric of an amusing, if frightening, little anecdote. It is not much, but we take what we can get at Wonkette. Read more on Gun News Roundup: Wayne LaPierre Is A Vile Sack of Garbage, Plus Some Things You Might Have Not Already Known…
  Touch Monkeys

Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please

Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John “That One” McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god’s sake, people, it is a JOKE and also did you notice that Iran is our enemy? And it’s always OK to call the enemy a monkey, so will you all just LIGHTEN UP, people! It is not racist to call a dirty foreign leader a monkey, also, look at all the people comparing George Bush to a chimp, dammit you people I didn’t spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in a slope gook dink POW camp to put up with being called a racist! Read more on Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please…
  it's morning in america

NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren

While America’s useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome and disgusting? (Ha-ha, which “they” are we talking about, again?) Here is your “no fly zone,” neoliberal freaks: “NATO bombed Gaddafi’s family compound in an attack officials said killed the leader’s second youngest son and three grandchildren, ages six months to two years.” Wow, we showed those infants? In a different but equally “winning” maneuver, NATO decimated the Libyan Down’s Syndrome Society, which “prepares children with Down’s Syndrome up to the age of 6 to go to normal schools, giving them speech therapy, handicrafts and sports sessions and teaching them to read and write.” And the Internet is outraged! In fact, Papa John’s just announced on Twitter that they’ve “taken steps to make sure [their] advertising doesn’t appear on NATO’s website in the future.” It’s nice to know that people really care. [The Guardian/Reuters] Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren… Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren…
  relax don't do it

Lindsey Graham Needs To Bomb Iran So Badly

Oh man, when John Bolton finds out about this he is going to jizz red, white & blue: Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said Monday that the United States must be prepared to use military force to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon — and added that the last-resort step should be taken with the goal of overthrowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Read more on Lindsey Graham Needs To Bomb Iran So Badly…
  if you don't watch this you hate israel

Here Is Video Evidence of Jane Harman With Her ‘Boyfriend’ Ahmadinejad

Here is California Republican Mattie Fein and a person playing Rep. Jane Harman, her opponent in this year’s midterm / contest to see who can make dumber cultural allusions. So this is what the Newsweek offices look like these days? [YouTube] Read more on Here Is Video Evidence of Jane Harman With Her ‘Boyfriend’ Ahmadinejad…
  it's morning in america

The Kagan Confirmation Process: Still Happening, We Guess

You probably just assumed that Elana Kagan has been on the Supreme Court for months, stone cold legislating from the bench and making everyone have gay abortions without their guns or whatever, but in fact she still has to be confirmed by the full Senate. Is this a thing that will happen? Probably! The New York Times has a convenient chart of Senators, and what they think of our future Judge-Dictator. Read more on The Kagan Confirmation Process: Still Happening, We Guess… Read more on The Kagan Confirmation Process: Still Happening, We Guess…
  western decadence is an octopus

Friendly German Octopus a Sworn Enemy of the Islamic Republic

What have you infidels done this time to infuriate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad so thoroughly? (Trick question, for your very existence forces Ahmadinejad to hate you at all hours of the day.) But his never-ceasing hatred has just been multiplied by infinity, thanks in part to a certain German octopus by the name of Paul, who is worshiped like a false Western prophet because he incorrectly guessed Spain would win the World Cup and not “Death to America.” Ahmadinejad laughs and laughs at your so-called octopus. Read more on Friendly German Octopus a Sworn Enemy of the Islamic Republic…
  uss tardis

Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space

Did you hear old what’s-his-name, “Current Bogeyman,” just rappin’ about Chomsky at the United Nations today? He must’ve run really fast from that Pathfinder he left in Times Square, AMIRITE?? Read more on Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space…
  america's leading pundit

Bill Kristol Has An Opinion Re: The Iranian Situation!

Oh boy look at this, a midday blog post about Iran from ever-smiling warfapper and on/off Washington Post “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol! He is mad at Barack Obama for keeping his silence over the weekend, instead of immersing himself in Iran’s politics (declaring war on Iran). Let’s see if he opens with a nuanced historical antecedent to defend his argument: “On September 2, 1939, in the wake of Hitler’s invasion of Poland…” NEVERMIND. Read more on Bill Kristol Has An Opinion Re: The Iranian Situation!…
  ahmadinejad won the afternoon!

Sneering, Evil Website Laughs At Iranian Horror

Let’s see, sham election resulting in much Western/Israeli War Lust, voters beaten and shot at and murdered in the streets, global crisis, etc. So what’s famously amoral “win the afternoon” sleaze dealer The Politico got to say about it all? Ah, right …. [Link Ban Back On] Read more on Sneering, Evil Website Laughs At Iranian Horror…
  the little muslim votey thing

Everyone Declares Victory In Iranian Election

The polls have closed in Iran’s presidential election and we have a winner: it’s the American neoconservatives’ candidate, beloved hard-right lunatic and homosexual dresser Mahmoud Ahmadinjead! Now we get to bomb them because why not? The dick won! The dick won! In other news, we have another winner in Iran’s presidential election: Mir Hussein Moussavi, the reformist candidate, and a secret Muslim, according to the Internet. Yes, everyone is declaring victory, but we’re not making a call until we see the exits from Colorado. Read more on Everyone Declares Victory In Iranian Election…
  freedom on the march

Neocons Pulling Hard For Ahmadinejad

America’s neoconservatives simply do not care for democratic or reformist movements arising organically among the citizens of tyrannical nations. What is America supposed to do, right? Who are these “self-interested” clowns crowding out the strong arm of the American military, which only wants to give them their freedoms after killing them all? Do they hate freedom? So much! And so as punishment to them, the “Iranian people,” America’s neoconservatives want Ahmadinejad to defeat the reformist challenger Mousavi in today’s election, because it would just make the inevitable nuke ‘n’ rape campaign go down all the smoother, later. Read more on Neocons Pulling Hard For Ahmadinejad…
  cartoon violence

Body Parts And Bodily Functions

By the Comics Curmudgeon You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump. Read more on Body Parts And Bodily Functions…
  whoa hey

Your Wonkette Blingee Larry King Ahmad Dealy Contest Winners Hooray!

GAHH obviously this is the winner, OBVIOUSLY, of our contest for the best Blingee based on that one weird Larry King photo. You all could learn from the winner, a Mr. Hans-Jörg Brehm, whose name indicates Mexican heritage of some sort. Hans understood two things that do a good Blingee make: (1) layers upon layers of worthless crap and (2) the word “HOBBIT” lit on fire. So everyone congratulate Hans and his illegal migrant family! Five other finalists, after the jump. You will have many seizures. Read more on Your Wonkette Blingee Larry King Ahmad Dealy Contest Winners Hooray!…
  fun wonkette contests

Look At These Two Clowns! Just Look!

HA HA HA we are posting this picture because it’s funny. Apparently Larry King is interviewing, whatsisname, King Ahmad of France. On the teevee. So, CONTEST: Everyone design a Blingee for this photo, e-mail a link to the finished product to tips@wonkette.com (subject line: “LARRY KING ES HALF-BREED MUSLIN”), and we’ll post the best one at some point so you can be “famous.” [The Page] Read more on Look At These Two Clowns! Just Look!…
  the bad lady

PALIN FOOLISHLY SAYS WORDS AGAIN: We’re getting used to this routine where once a day, usually mid-afternoon, a spasm of death shoots up our right arm after reading the latest Sarah Palin platitude. Is this what cancer feels like, cancer people? Today she pretended to care about Jews, and she went all in: “I will continue to call for sustained action to prevent Iranian President Ahmadinejad from getting these weapons that he wants for a second holocaust.” Good god, she is an actual tumor. Does she know nothing? If she ever *listened* to Ahmadinejad, she’d know that there never was a first holocaust. [ABC News] Read more on …
 

McCain Ad: They’re Gay Doppelgangers, Too!

Johnny McClassy has been running versions of this ad all over the Internet, in which Obama is giving Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the sexy bedroom Muslim devil eyes before holding a “summit” in his pants at an undisclosed Motel 6. [John McCain] Read more on McCain Ad: They’re Gay Doppelgangers, Too!…
 

Bush To Bomb Iran Tomorrow

George W. Bush has two great ambitions in life: to be the president of Major League Baseball, and to bomb Iran. He will accomplish the second in his waning days in public office before retiring and turning his attention to the very important task of running the sport of baseball into the ground. Read more on Bush To Bomb Iran Tomorrow…
 

Iran May Turn Off Internet During Elections

Here’s something that should cheer up the Paultards: while President Obama may continue destroying the Constitution, it could be worse — Iran’s government actually plans on turning off the Internet. As you may recall, this is the Paultards’ worst fear. According to Iranian news outlets, the government may block private access to the Internet during the nation’s legislative elections on May 14. They are worried that political parties could abuse it to spread “news information,” a recent evolution from the Internet’s original purpose, showing pictures of naked ladies. Read more on Iran May Turn Off Internet During Elections…
 

The Foreigns Are Wild About Barry

Americans in the Greater Brackish Waters Of The Chesapeake/Potomac Region have joined many other states in throwing their collective panties at Barry Hussein! With Obamamentum gaining speed, the left needs to ask itself what it always asks itself when it comes time to make important decisions: “What do filthy foreigners think about this?” Fortunately, the aforementioned Foreigns are willing to talk about it, at great length, on the Internet! Also, is Barack Obama secretly Iranian, too? Read more on The Foreigns Are Wild About Barry…