Tag Archives: magazine covers

  flotus files

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

You are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, which stars our famous FLOTUS, Michelle Obama! No, not actual Michelle Obama, although we must acknowledge the excellent wardrobe (note sleevelessness!). The cover reads, “THE CANDYDATE,” so we guess Michelle Obama is running for office and didn’t bother to tell anyone except our nation’s first transsexual magazine. Read more on Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
  boycott image software!

New Time Magazine Obama-Reagan Cover Is Racist Against Conservatives

Hey, did you hear Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday is next month? Of course you didn’t. You’ve been too busy fasting and praying to Ronald Reagan because OF COURSE HIS BIRTHDAY IS NEXT MONTH. So how would Ronald Reagan like Time magazine to celebrate this occasion of the utmost cosmic importance? “Do you think he would want to be photoshopped onto a magazine cover yukking it up with his political nemesis?” No, probably not. But wait! Look at that cover! They made Reagan put his arm around the Kenyan! This is VERY OFFENSIVE, and now Ronald Reagan will return to destroy the world and rapture the true believers. Read more on New Time Magazine Obama-Reagan Cover Is Racist Against Conservatives…
  the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much…
  today in journalism

Newsweek Forgets To Put Image Of Captain America Fighting Commies On Patriotic Cover

Don’t worry about your taxes, America! The Newsweek claims we are “back,” as in “who got lotsa money, we the Americas do, fap fap.” Attend the most exquisite restaurants and order only the choicest hares, tonight! Bathe in condor blood filtered through gold doubloons! BOOM! [Barry Ritholz] Read more on Newsweek Forgets To Put Image Of Captain America Fighting Commies On Patriotic Cover…