Kind of a weird week in Condiland! She had to threaten her staff again, had an awkward moment with Madeleine Albright, and endured the embarrassment of standing idly by as the Pope got kissed by — ew! — Nancy Pelosi. And that was really kind of it! So let’s flesh things out the way real journalists do: by making things up! See the pictures and feel the magic, after the jump!

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What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week was really fun in Condiland! Like her illustrious mentor, G. H. W. Bush, she inspired a new foreign language insult! It was her birthday! Something about laser helmets! And at the end of the week? OMG, new hairdo. Did you hear me? NEW HAIRDO.

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We cannot be the only ones who’d be creeped the hell out if Madeleine Albright’s ghostly visage popped up on the register while we were paying for our groceries. That hasn’t stopped Safeway, though. MORE »

* Reliable Source: Henry Rollins was going to come back, but then he didn’t. Dodged a bullet there, DC… Someone broke into Madeleine Albright’s car, took some quarters. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Some conservatives are apparently going to launch a “funny” “comedy” show… Robin Givens supports Obama. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: John Cornyn and Ted Kennedy introduce a bill to have tobacco regulated by the FDA — Obama co-sponsors. [Politico]

Seriously, guys, this is getting ridiculous.

With faith! Faith in Jesus Christ our lord! And some sort of protein shake. MORE »

* Names & Faces: Barbara Bush skipped the WHCA dinner. [WP]
* Page Six: Harvey Weinstein, MTV exec John Sykes, and Madisan Square Garden owner Jim Dolan are collaborating on Clinton’s 60th birthday party. . . Al Gore: “If I had half the communications skills of Karenna, I’d be halfway through my second term right now.” [NYP]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Ludacris chilled with Antonin Scalia. [NYDN]
* Fox 411: Jason Binn threw a Capitol File party opposite the Bloomberg bash; Clooney, Rove, Albright made appearances. [Fox News]
* Heard on the Hill: Rep. John Sweeney (R-N.Y.) defends his participation in a frat party. . . Julia Thorne, first wife of John Kerry, dies of cancer. [Roll Call]
* Rush & Molloy: Pataki will launch his presidential campaign this week. [NYDN]
* Inside Politics: Powell asked for more troops to be sent to Iraq. [WT]

* Reliable Source: Rep. Cynthia McKinney reportedly “stabbed” Capitol Hill officer with her cellphone; her new haircut may have caused the confusion. . . Final Four lawmakers put hometown bets on the NCAA game. [WP]
* Under the Dome: DSCC jumps on Sen. George Allen for saying the Senate is “too slow for me.” [The Hill]
* Inside the Beltway: Twenty-two House Republicans seek a review of federally funded sex-ed programs. [WT]
* Page Six: Rush Limbaugh gives “private pointers” to Monica Crowley. . . “Good Morning America” producer who knocked Bush in a leaked email also wrote of Madeleine Albright’s “Jew shame.” [NYP]
* Ben Widdicombe’s Gatecrasher: Rupert Murdoch and his New York Post are “cozying ever closer” to Hillary. [NYDN]

Earlier this week, we asked you for your guesses as to which senior Administration official gave her party guests a glimpse of her thong (which, a reader advises us, is commonly referred to as “a whale tail” — see photo at right to understand why). You gave us some pretty interesting responses, which we’ll now share in these pages.

Before doing so, however, here’s a caveat from a reader who views this as much ado about nothing: “No woman wears ‘full-bottom’ panties anymore. Tell your tipster to get with it.”

After the jump, your uneducated guesses and wild speculation as to the identity of the thong-sporting official.

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People, come on! We can’t do a celebrity sightings column without your help (since we don’t get out much). Please send us sightings of famous people — yes, we use the term “famous” advisedly, as in “famous for D.C.” — by e-mail.

After the jump, three measly sightings — of Madeleine Albright, Ted Kennedy, and Judy Woodruff.

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• Names & Faces: “People expect that we can’t play, so we always exceed expectations,” says Rep. Collin Peterson (D-Minn.) of his band, the Second Amendments. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: Madeleine Albright is writing two more books, including one aout her brooches. . . Ron Christie, aide to Bush and Cheney, is writing a book titled, “”Black in the White House.” [WT]
• Page Six: Mimi Fahnestock, infamous intern of John F. Kennedy, remarries. [NYP]

• Washington Whispers: Laura Bush had coconut cake with green icing and pink flowers for her 59th birthday. . . John McCain recently met with Jerry Falwell. . . Madeleine Albright used her pins and brooches to make diplomatic signals. . . CIA budget said to be $44b. . . Deepak Chopra will speak to Pentagon employees about managing stress. . . [USN&WR]
• Page Six: Howell Raines suspected as the inspiration for raunchy sex novel. [NYP]
• Liz Smith: Will viewers overdose on Anderson Cooper like they did with “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” [NYP] MORE »