OLD MAN McCAIN BARELY BEATS KINDLY PREACHER HUCKABEE CNN just called Virginia for Walnuts McCain, and there’s some very nervous applause from the McCain people. There are only 2,500 votes between them with 55% of the precincts reporting.

BREAKING: JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY WON ARIZONA: Considering how all the Arizona Republicans hate his shamnesty guts, it’s kind of a big deal that Walnuts won his “home” “state.” At least he did really badly, as far as winning. He only got a third of the “conservative” vote, while Mitt took 47%.

Ooh, the new issue of Time has our friend WALNUTS! on the cover with a new nickname: The Phoenix. I get it, it’s because (a) he had burned and died but somehow still lives and (b) Phoenix is a town in Arizona, which he represents in the Congress! Is it maybe time to retire WALNUTS! for “The Phoenix?” Never. His campaign may rise and fall, but his torture cheeks shall eternally swell for America. [via Jonathan Martin]

So it only took eight years for John McCain to win the South Carolina primary, hooray! Let’s see what the happy old coot has to say. MORE »