The Senate Judiciary Committee has sent subpoenas to the Bush Administration and the Cheney Branch, a move experts believe will lead Dick Cheney to dissolve the Senate for “inefficiency.” MORE »

There’s a lot of talk these days about stopping dangerous lunatics before they kill, so we just wanted to bring America’s attention to a batshit old man who needs 24-hour supervision in an Insane Asylum, now:

Another man — wondering if an attack on Iran is in the works — wanted to know when America is going to “send an air mail message to Tehran.” McCain began his answer by changing the words to a popular Beach Boys song.

“Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran,” he sang to the tune of Barbara Ann.

McCain visits Murrells Inlet [Georgetown Times]

Tune in to CNN’s Situation Room this afternoon and watch mentally ill street people jabber to the camera … oh wait, we meant to say, “Presidential candidate and Honorable Congressman Tom Tancredo is utterly insane.” Here are some quotes for you: MORE »

Those crazy numbskulls at the Department of Homeland Security are finally being moved to a mental hospital — all of them, forever! Sadly, the move will not begin until 2011, when America is nothing but a massive smoldering ruin. In a bold admission of the absolute incompetence that defines DHS, officials suspect it will take at least three years to complete the move. MORE »

* This is how the world will end, not with a bang, but a clank, and the thump of a pneumatic hammer on an elevator. We’re relieved that no one was hurt, but it sure was exciting covering all the action. Er, whatever it is that passes for action. In the end, the biggest danger of the day was the risk of some soiled gabardine, but even that was averted. MORE »

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached the end of the road in Congressional Catfight. The competition began two weeks ago, with eight tough contenders, who were later joined by five wild card entries. All in all, 13 fierce fighters. Only one could emerge victorious. MORE »

We’re about to close the polls in Congressional Catfight: Harris vs. Schmidt, and it’s looking like curtains for Katherine. “Mean Jean” has a sizable lead at this late hour. MORE »

The polls are now open in the final round of Congressional Catfight: Katherine Harris versus Jean Schmidt. You can cast your vote by clicking here. MORE »

All good things must come to an end — and that includes Congressional Catfight. We’ve milked this competition for all it’s worth, and now it’s time to crown a victor. MORE »

Well, that was easy. We’ve had some really close calls here at Congressional Catfight, including one race that required a runoff. But this latest Catfight — a battle royal between five fighters, to determine who would take the wild card slot and face Katherine Harris — resulted in a decisive victory.

We threw five worthy contenders into the ring: Corrine Brown (D-FL), the “bat shit crazy” rep from the mean streets of Jacksonville’s North Side; Barbara Cubin (R-WY), the ex-cheerleader known for her “wack paranoia” and penis-shaped cookies; Tom Tancredo (R-CO), the immigration-obsessed nutjob; Bernie Sanders (I-VT), everyone’s favorite Vermont socialist; and Jean Schmidt (R-OH), the firearms-carrying, flag-jumpsuit-wearing, coward-calling congresswoman better known as “Mean Jean.”

The result? Jean Schmidt, in a landslide. “Mean Jean” received 60 percent of the vote — more votes than the other four competitors combined, and over three times as many as her nearest competitor, Tom Tancredo. Schmidt has scratched and clawed her way into the final round of Congressional Catfight. (For those of you who are curious, the full vote tally is available after the jump.)

Check back later today, when we’ll open the polls in Congressional Catfight: Harris vs. Schmidt. We’re predicting a close and ugly battle between these two tough ladies of the House.

Earlier: Congressional Catfight: The Nominees for the Wild Card Spot

MORE »

For those of you who are dying to learn the winner of Congressional Catfight — or who are tiring of the whole thing — worry not. The competition is nearing its end, and we’re now just one round away from crowning a winner. MORE »