Connie Mack and Mary Bono are getting married! We… almost care?? They’re kinda hot for congress people! And once you’ve written that sentence you know your life cannot get any more depressing. [Scripps]

A rogue Facebook mini-feed alert briefly shocked the world with the news that World Bank prez and wrong-about-everything-ever neo-con hero Paul Wolfowitz had split from his long-time ladyfriend. MORE »

Valentine’s Day — what was it? What did it want from us? We turned, as we often do in matters of the heart, to former Defense Secretary William Cohen for the answers. Alas, his remarks in the Washington Post’s “On Faith” special section (aka the “Keep Sally Quinn busy” section) raised more questions than they answered. MORE »

An embedded congressional operative recently sent us this little document, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Because we are living in a world where Lite-Brites shut down major cities for entire panicky days, Congress cannot be too careful when it comes to obviously harmless signifiers of childlike joy.

So if you’d like to send Michele Bachmann some chocolates, remember that “flowers, cards, candy, and gifts of any type” will be held “off-site” in quarantine for at least two days.

Furthermore, if you’d like to directly send Denny Hastert a pick-me-up bouquet, someone in his office will have to engage in some Deep Throat shit to pick it up:

If you are contacted by a delivery person who wants to deliver cut flowers, please instruct the delivery person to meet you in an outside public area. You must meet the delivery person, inspect the flowers and bring the flowers into the House Office complex yourself.

The vigilance of the Capitol Police has ensured that the easiest way to completely shut down the entire Capitol complex this Valentine’s season is to send everyone in congress a single rose.

Full policy after the jump.

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Diaper-clad nutbucket Lisa Nowak isn’t just proof that even America’s astronauts are deranged creeps — she’s also a shining tribute to being born and raised in the DC metropolitan area! MORE »

Lisa Nowak has cemented her status as the only astronaut we’ll remember besides Buzz Aldrin and Laika. All Nowak had to do? Fall in love with another astronaut, then drive 900 miles to confront/kidnap her love’s girlfriend. Wearing diapers. MORE »

After a brief hiatus (because nothing could ever beat this), Intern Lauren is back in the game. The forums of closed social-networking site Late Night Shots were full of earnest pleas for help this weekend, and wise, well-considered advice was to be found all over, if you knew where to look. Come with us on a journey of self-discovery. No turbos this week, just love.

Weight loss tips, condoms of yesteryear and women’s lib, after the jump.

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Guess what Jenna Bush is getting for Christmas? The love and awe of some Buenos Aires guy in a trucker cap who maybe makes $400 a month. Hooray for romance! It knows no boundaries!

Wonkette operative “Bill” has mysterious business ties with Argentina, which is why he keeps up with whatever the Bush Twins are doing down there. He translated a chunk of this article that reveals way too much about Ramiro González Palazzo and how impressed he is that a woman is allowed to have a credit card.

You know you want it, and it’s after the jump.

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We’ve been wondering just how to cover today’s Times piece on Patrick “Oscar” Kennedy and his sponsor, Jim “Felix” Ramstad all day. Because there are a dozen hilarious pull-quotes in that sucker (”If we could turn Congress into one big A.A. meeting…” “Mr. Ramstad’s hand draped over his colleague’s shoulder…” etc. etc.). Instead of snickering about all the declarations of love, though, we’ll just ask for your best guesses on this apparently sensitive subject: MORE »

Congratulations to ABC’s square-jawed Jake Tapper, who, despite his on-going hostage crisis, has snared himself a wife, and an item in the prestigious New York Times “Vows” section. Tapper married Jen Brown of Planned Parenthood, thus justifying any and all claims of liberal bias in ABC’s reporting. Jen’s “father owns and operates US 1 Dollar, an independent general merchandise store in Lenexa, Kan.,” a sentence we are pretty sure has never appeared in the Vows section before this weekend. Good luck, you crazy kids! And send us some wedding pictures, we couldn’t make it out to Kansas City. MORE »

• Hegel, Hölderlin and Schelling were roommates in college. [Crooked Timber]
• E.J. Dionne is not intriguing. [Captain's Quarters]
• Let’s face it, you do feel safer, and I love you more today than yesterday. [Blogs for Bush]
• “Single straight white people seek same” [Sadly , No]