Wonkette

Little weirdo and amateur devil exorcist Bobby Jindal will NOT be John McCain’s losing vice-presidential candidate, the scrawny character announced today after the terrible HURRICANE destroyed the last hopes of McCain’s campaign. “I’m not going to be the vice presidential nominee or vice president,” Jindal said at a news conference to announce the cancellation of other news conferences. “I’m going to help Senator McCain get elected, as governor of Louisiana. Let me be clear: I have said in every private and public conversation, I’ve got the job that I want.” Back to you, Mitt. [CNN Political Ticker]

Ha, so get this. John McCain and pals very recently came up with the MEDIA PLOY OF THE CENTURY: they were going to Take The Media Back from Barack Obama during his big speech in Berlin tomorrow, which at least 400 million people will attend (hurrah), by speaking from an oil rig off the coast of Louisiana. Surely all reporters and cameramen would’ve rushed to cover this instead, because what’s a better venue for a media grab than some tiny offshore piece of metal that’s only reachable by helicopter? But now, after publicizing this brilliant coup, McCain has had to cancel it because of, whatitscalled, THE MONSTROUS HURRICANE THAT IS DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN THE GULF. MORE »

Rather than risk the wrath of the all-powerful Fourniers, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal vetoed a bill to double the salaries of state legislators. As a result, the state will have literally hundreds more dollars to spend on ball-withering chemicals and maps of the planet Earth showing Adam and Eve riding dinosaurs in Spain. [Times-Picayune]

In the great state of Louisiana, any citizen can file, for free, a petition to recall the governor — and that is exactly what some dude and his wife have done, because Bobby Jindal won’t veto a pay raise that would double the salary of state legislators. Will Ryan and Kourtney Fournier be able to bring down the crazed teenaged exorcism and castration fetishist who skyrocketed to the highest office in the state? Probably not, because they’ll have to collect nearly a million signatures in the next six months. But still! MORE »

Vice presidential “hopeful” and Louisiana’s Mexican boy-governor, Bobby Jindal, has just signed into law a very special bill, because he is incapable of vetoing anything and also because HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. The bill (now law) here is called “the Sex Offender Chemical Castration Bill, SB 144, authorizing the castration of convicted sex offenders.” You know, forced castration of human beings, by The State. MORE »

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the Indian street urchin who is also somehow a Mexican Catholic exorcist, is 36-years-old and supposedly “beloved” by his backward state, for being charismatic and Strong. He has been a governor for literally -2 hours. The state has chosen this moment to start hating him, for reneging on a campaign pledge in a comical fashion that marks the birth of a new, iconic American Failure. MORE »

Attention whore John McCain didn’t want Democrats to have all the fun tonight, and we needed to start up another comment thread for you lunatics, so join us as we watch John McCain saying mean things about Barack Obama. MSNBC has stationed Howard Fineman on some sort of “Listening Post,” which maybe means he has tapped people’s phones or something? Anyway we can “listen” to Howard Fineman for a little while before John McCain’s angry senile rant, hooray! MORE »

The National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) — the world’s most comical political organization, behind House Republicans — has been hoping to convert Barack Obama’s non-denunciation of controversial black people into a couple of victories in upcoming House special elections. We saw that piece of crap airing in Mississippi yesterday, about which Travis Childers said nothing. Now they have another ad supporting some GOP dude running in Louisiana, whose opponent supports the “extreme liberal views” of Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi, depicted below with a lesbian haircut. MORE »

Louisiana state senators have been hard at work recently drafting legislation to honor the Sazerac — a drink containing “whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe, or a substitute anise-flavored liquor” — as the official state cocktail. New Orleans is in such great shape, see, that they can spend their time writing all sorts of fun legislation celebrating drinks! MORE »

Sweet Mormon Jesus, you must watch this immediately and then 500 more times. From the Gonzales Weekly Citizen newspaper in Lousiana: “A car carrying U.S. Sen. David Vitter ran into a No Parking sign in the Gonzales Police Department parking lot Monday morning as the senator was attempting to evade members of the media, including the Gonzales Weekly Citizen, following a Town Hall forum event at Gonzales City Hall.” He was trying to evade them because they kept asking questions about his boners. [YouTube, Gonzales Weekly Citizen]