Tag Archives: louie gohmert

  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

Just plain sad
For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ravishing sunset, a majestic forest, our one true love’s smile. Read more on Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied…
  Wonksplaining why making gay jokes about Schock IS TOO okay

How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock

The internet is abuzz with the resignation of fresh-faced congressbottom Aaron Schock, mired as he has been in allegations of ethics violation after ethics violation after gay ethics violation. We are sure we will find out more in coming weeks about exactly why he resigned now, as things continue to fall out of the closets of his Downton Abbey office, and we will write words about it when that happens. Read more on How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock…
  Republicans in disarray and you won't believe what happens next!

John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun

Guess who's helping our enemies now?
The civil war in the Republican Party is getting a lot uglier, which is excellent news if you enjoy watching Republicans try to eat each other’s intestines with their bare hands, no utensils or a bib even. And yup, we sure do enjoy the hell out of that. Because Speaker John Boehner is terrible at his job, he only managed to get funding for the Department of Homeland Security extended for one whole whoppin’ week, setting himself up for another week of the extremists in his caucus batting him around like a cat with a half-dead rodent. Read more on John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun…
  Another great moment in GOP outreach

Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, one of spittiest ragemonkeys the GOP has to offer, is feeling lots of upset feelings this week, and it is because House Republicans were forced to cancel a vote on their 20-week abortion ban bill that was scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Read more on Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’…
  Why Didn't He Just See 'American Sniper' With All The Other Wingnuts?

Louie Gohmert’s Movie Review: ‘Selma’ An Inspiring Reminder To Fear Muslims

Tahrir Square, 2013 (but definitely not 2011)
Texas Congressmaroon Louie Gohmert saw a movie about the Civil Rights Movement, and it so inspired him that he just had to tell the world about its inspiring message about the need to defeat Radical Islam. Read more on Louie Gohmert’s Movie Review: ‘Selma’ An Inspiring Reminder To Fear Muslims…
  Vladimir Putin Feeling Neglected

Republicans Have Massive Freedom Boner For Egypt’s Dictator

Why can't we have a nice military dictator too?
Attention, Wonkers: We’re proud to announce that the American right has a new Strongman Boyfriend! They seem to have a real crush on Egyptian President Gen. Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who seized power in the 2013 coup against Mohammed Morsi. Lots of wingers love him because he outlawed the Muslim Brotherhood and made the trains run on time, or at least he outlawed the Muslim Brotherhood. And even better, as Sen. Lindsey Graham noted over the weekend, al-Sisi recognizes the need for an actual religious war against radical Islam, while Barack Obama pretends that terrorists aren’t even Muslims at all, and won’t even say the words “radical Islam,” except for the times that Obama has actually said “radical Islam.” Read more on Republicans Have Massive Freedom Boner For Egypt’s Dictator…
  The Grownups Are Talking Dear

Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!

We’re Americans, and when life throws us lemons, we make lemonade, so get out the apron and light up the old barbecue, ’cause it’s time for some good old down-home “Moo Goo Dog Pan,” Louie Gohmert style. Sure, it sounds bad at first, but think of it like rape, say with a ten inch plastic vaginal probe, something you just have to lie back, close your eyes and enjoy when it happens to you, and eating your pets is happening to you, ’cause Louie Gohmert isn’t going to be Speaker of the House, and we owe those commie bastards in China money, because Obama. Read more on Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Watches The Joe Biden Senate Show, Because We Forgot To

There were too many 'manic Rachel' images to choose from today
Congress is back in session, and Rachel Maddow couldn’t be more delighted with the first-day weirdness. There’s Joe Biden being the most Joe Biden he ever gets, greeting the new Senate and swearing everybody in. While there was no Ted Cruz’s Jerk Baby this term, Joe did say some completely incomprehensible stuff, and also accidentally spat out the remnants of a mint while talking. Everyone was just adorable. Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel Watches The Joe Biden Senate Show, Because We Forgot To…
  crying over you

Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?

Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean.
Every two years, all the wild-and-crazy Tea Party guys in the House GOP put on their togas and have a big awesome food fight and promise this time they’re really, really gonna get Dean Wormer, or at least INPEACH John Boehner for being a big dumb drunk RINO who only lets them shut down the government a little bit. BOO NO FUN, BOYCOTT JOHN BOEHNER, UNFAIR TO CRAZY PEOPLE! Read more on Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Derp In The Cathedral

Nice Christian Lady Mad At Energy Drinks, Muslims, Saves America

Are you getting enough paranoia in your daily diet?
We have an important follow-up to our story about Louie Gohmert and his impassioned stand against a Muslim prayer service at Washington’s National Cathedral. As we mentioned in that piece, the actual prayer service on Friday was interrupted by a Christian who was just shocked and horrified that a decent Christian church would play host to a gathering of people who believe in a slightly less-old Abrahamic religion. Read more on Nice Christian Lady Mad At Energy Drinks, Muslims, Saves America…
  Leaving Fast. Possibly Furious.

Eric Holder Peaces Out

Eric Holder has had enough of your shit, Congress. Like most of America, he is probably tired of grandstanding and bullshit partisan nonsense, so he is taking his indictments and going home. Read more on Eric Holder Peaces Out…
  On the count of three everyone panic

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and what exactly Congress plans to do about that. Read more on Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail…
  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who worries that migrant children are carrying Ebola across the border to liquefy our internal organs, just like in that one movie. Read more on Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados…
  #MadAboutAThing

Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments

It’s going to be a sad day in America when we don’t have Rep. Michele Bachmann to make us die of laughter anymore because she is retiring from Congress to spend more time standing up for oppressed heterosexuals, defending herself against those pesky ethics violations charges, and helping her faaaaaabulous husband pick out “doggie sunglasses” for their dog Boomer, which, let’s face it, is probably some kind of TMI not-safe-for-work euphemism we should all just try to forget. Unless, of course, she can persuade some Republicans to beg her to run for president in 2016, and yes please, pretty please, because we all had such a good time when she ran in 2012 and “didn’t get anything wrong,” other than all the stuff she did get wrong, which is exactly why we Team Blue types should be #ReadyAsFuckForMichele, awwwww yeah. Read more on Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)

Jon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: “I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don’t understand.” Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)…
  this week in gohmert

Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea

Texas trailer hitch replica Louis Gohmert wants to get to the bottom of this IRS scandal so badly he’s willing to put the taxpayers’ money where his mouth is with a bill he introduced last week, the “Identify and Return Sent E-mails Act,” which would provide a cool $1 million to any whiz kid who can locate whatever emails disappeared from Lois Lerner’s computer when the hard drive crashed in 2011. Where Louie and the bill’s co-sponsor, Rep. Bill Flores (R-TX), think these emails might reside since the IRS, per its email retention policy, overwrote its backed-up server tapes every six months long before this “scandal” broke, was left to everyone’s imagination. Sayeth the walking penis of East Texas, You can do it one of two ways. You can have a Justice Department that’s actually involved in justice and they will use pressure and they’ll get it done. We don’t have a Justice Department. We have a ‘just us’ department, or an injustice department. So the only other way is to use the carrot method. Read more on Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea…
  how is scabies formed?

Louie Gohmert: Obama’s Luring Diseased Foreign Children To Sap Our Precious Bodily Fluids

In a House Judiciary Committee hearing Wednesday, Texas congresstroll Louie Gohmert worried that Barack Obama has thrown America’s doors wide, “luring” a bunch of filthy diseased foreign children to invade our once-proud land. You see, Louie recently went on a fact-finding trip to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facility in Texas, and he’s pretty sure he saw something nasty in the woodshed. Read more on Louie Gohmert: Obama’s Luring Diseased Foreign Children To Sap Our Precious Bodily Fluids…
  f*ck this guy

Louie Gohmert: Why Won’t Obama Stop Sex-Trafficking The Mexican Children?

President Obama can’t do anything right, especially when it comes to kids. For some reason, he will not personally fly to Nigeria to rescue kidnapped schoolgirls, probably because he is lazy. Or maybe it’s because he is pro-child sex trafficking. What, you didn’t know that Obama was totes cool with child sex trafficking? ARE YOU BLIND AND DEAF, SHEEPLE? Let’s let the most authoritative voice on immigration explain it to you: “When legal status and amnesty is talked about here in Washington, it becomes a magnet and draws people in. And for all of the children that are drawn in illegally, you know that some get sucked into sex slavery,” [Rep. Louie] Gohmert said Monday. LOGIC BOMB, BITCHEZZZ. You can’t argue with that. It is ironclad, impenetrable logic, so don’t even try to give it like eighty-four Pinocchios, PolitFascists! It’s clear that even talking about immigration reform makes kids come to the United States to be sex trafficked, leading to Gohmert’s new campaign slogan against immigration reform: Loose Lips Sink Ships Leads Directly to Child Sex Trafficking So Shut Up About It Already. He’s not a very poetic guy. Read more on Louie Gohmert: Why Won’t Obama Stop Sex-Trafficking The Mexican Children?…
  now that's what i call feminazi!

Louie Gohmert: Cancelling Bigot Twins’ TV Show Leads To Nazi Female Genital Mutilation

Louie Gohmert has just about had it with these intolerant gheys and liberals and all their fascism, because he sees where it’s inevitably headed: Nazi concentration camps and female genital mutilation, probably. He knows this, because psychology. In a somewhat-less-than-focused speech to the House Friday, Gohmert explained that conservative Christians’ rights are being violated like crazy because of “intellectual fascism” that forced HGTV to cancel that dumb real estate show with the gay-hater twins and also forced Brandeis University to rescind an honorary degree it was planning to give Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who has criticized Islamic fundamentalism. Louie Gohmert thinks that means feminists love female genital mutilation, and also the raping of families, because of course he does. Read more on Louie Gohmert: Cancelling Bigot Twins’ TV Show Leads To Nazi Female Genital Mutilation…