Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! MORE »

OH YES, HERE IS THAT THING YOU ALL SENT TO YOUR WONKETTE: Did you know you can make your own magical Kenyan Birth Certificate, for anybody, by going to a website? Yes You Can! Email your version to CNN racist Lou Dobbs. [Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator]

• High-frequency trading? Goldman Sachs? Ball’s in your court, Taibbi. [Matt Yglesias]
• “You Want Context? Drudge Will Give You Context.” And brain herpes! [Weekly Standard]
• Joe Biden is such a golly liberal fascist, according to liberal fascist experts. [USA Today]
• The best part of RedState’s furry convention was when Liz Cheney gave everyone an enormous boner — as stiff as a starched collar! Who could resist doe-eyed Liz in that delicious panda bear suit? So soft. [RedState]
• Sean Hannity is now a Texas Kentucky Colonel. [Think Progress]
• CNN took one look at the ad Media Matters wanted to air and said, “What is this? You are not selling pills or automobiles? NO. This will not do. Air your facts on Fox.” [TPM]

Media Matters is, according to Lou Dobbs, “some kind of Mexican space alien, from Mexicans.” But the liberal organization best known for sending out emails about how Fox News isn’t liberal has finally done something kind of funny, by purchasing commercial time on orange-headed blubbermouth Lou Dobbs’ afternoon comedy hour, White Supremacy For Angry Dummies. MORE »

• If universal health care doesn’t scare the shit out of you, just imagine if there was a public option for extinguishing fires, and rescuing kittens from tree branches! Are your panties wet with horror? [Matt Yglesias]
• Next time you play a game of Guess Who, ask this winning question: “Is your person a birther?” If your opponent says “no,” you can eliminate 58% of the Republicans, and then the only people left will be the one black lady and that bald guy with the beard. [Think Progress]
• Ancient Turd Blossom Lou Dobbs just can’t shut up about how Barack Obama was never born, so it looks like it’s time for another Bristol Scale classification! Poopy-Lou is probably a Type Two, “Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface.” [AMERICAblog]
• Nothing says “Happy Friday” like a pregnant woman getting Police-tasered at a Baptism celebration. Thanks for the memories, America! And the court-ordered therapy. [Something Awful/YouTube]
• The RedState furry convention begins TONIGHT! And who will be this evening’s keynote speaker? The famous Waterloo hero Jim “The Duke of Wellington” DeMint, who will discuss the tactical uses of dragoons and other topics concerning modern military strategy. [RedState]
• Your preposterous vocab list for the week. Pop quiz on Monday. [Paul Slansky]

People are finally figuring out the Wonkette — it not only thinks everything is so funny, but it is also cleverly propagating the most vile conspiracy of our Time, that Barack Obama was actually not born at all. He was not born! There, we said it. We don’t care if Robert Gibbs personally milks a gallon of “DNA” from Nobama and shows it on the teevee, there is literally no proof, long form or short term, that Barack Obama was born. Our Constitution says PRESIDENT MUST BE BORN, PERIOD. We think this is the 15th or 2nd amendment. So thank you, “Brian M.,” for figuring out Wonkette is birthers. MORE »

This would be terrifying if it wasn’t about some lamer old wingnuts and their message board: The person who runs FreeRepublic.com is cold gonna overthrow the U.S. government — that means you, blackenstein — and ho ho, no more taxes on the millionaires! Hooray! Anyway, folks, things are getting Seriously Weird with the wingnuts, birthers, paultards and other middle-aged white suckers who bought into that whole Reagan thing 30 years ago and, whoops, are still poor and doomed. MORE »

Do you know who Lou Dobbs, the orange-headed anti-Mexican elitist, hates more than The Illegals? Cotton-pickin’ politicians such as Condoleezza Rice! You see, “cotton-pickin’” refers to people who pick cotton, and is a term of derision used by angry old men of a certain age who prefer arcane insults over nice all-purpose Anglo-Saxon adjectives. Fortunately for Dobbs, he stops himself midway through this terrible slur and avoids touching that tar baby. [YouTube via TPM]

LOU DOBBS IS A REAL CHARACTER, REAL CLASSY GUY: Well glory be, one of the Media Matters press releases has a funny in it! Here’s CNN host Lou Dobbs opening his show on March 21: “Tonight, Senator Obama wins the endorsement of the nation’s only Hispanic governor, Bill Richardson. Is Obama pandering to ethnocentric special interests again? We’ll have complete coverage.” Barack Obama has yet to denounce the Hispanic race, because that would be like denouncing his uncle. [Media Matters]

Various “Draft Lou Dobbs” web sites have been popping up around the Internets for a while. But will the ascendancy of John “Deport All the Americans and Rejoin the Republic of New Spain” McCain drive patriotic citizens into the ochre embrace of the CNN news anchor? We will find out on November 4, when America elects its first Tang-colored president.

Everyone loves orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs. After all, he has protected you from the Mexican. By hosting a teevee show about how he will stop the Terrible Mexicans, Lou Dobbs truly personifies America: He is a very rich person making millions of additional dollars every year saying things that make certain unemployed people feel angry. And then those angry unemployed people watch the commercials for denture slime or protections against home intruders or time-share offers or over-the-counter solutions to the heartbreak of incontinence. LOU DOBBS IS AMERICA. [Lou Dobbs For President]