Tag Archives: losers

  must obey the blackberry phone

Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. Read more on Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food…
  when the laughter fades

Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off

Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, a resident of Illinois, was an employee of the U.S. Federal Government until 2002, when he took a position with the government of the State of Illinois. Part of the compensation he received with this job was an employer-provided residence; however, although Blagojevich signed a new contract with the Illinois government in 2006, in early 2009 he was fired from his job due to accusations of workplace malfeasance, the details of which are still in dispute. As a result, he was forced to vacate his residence on short notice, and, like many Americans facing such a situation, placed some of his belongings in a storage unit. However, he has failed to make the required rental payments on this storage space for over a year, and, as a consequence, the contents of the unit were auctioned off yesterday. Read more on Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off…
  visions of america

Obama Will Take This Idaho Slob’s Nonexistent Money

Direct from Ketchum, Idaho — where Ernest Hemingway shot himself, because the people were such trash — comes this shocking photograph of a dumb redneck’s beat-to-hell 1984 Suburban. Wonkette operative “Sebastian S.” apparently walked right up to this thing to take this picture, or maybe he just leaned out of his car and snapped the shot and sped away, weeping for America. But what do the custom Word document printout ‘n scotch tape signs say, about America? Let’s say “Enhance, enhance” to the teevee-apocalypse robot of the future (which is now) and get a closeup view. Read more on Obama Will Take This Idaho Slob’s Nonexistent Money…
  wheels within wheels

Bob Inglis Totally In On Zionist-Bilderberger-Space Lizard Conspiracy

Remember, Bob Inglis, the really quite conservative South Carolina Congressman (93 percent rating from the American Conservative Union!) who was absolutely obliterated in his primary this year by some Tea Party loony toon? Remember how he whined afterwards that he lost because he he wasn’t a demagogue? Well, now we have absolute proof, from his own (forked?) tongue, that we are all very lucky this fool is out of office, because he admits that, once made aware of the terrible alliance between scaly space monsters and Jews that threatens the very fabric of our existence, he did nothing. Read more on Bob Inglis Totally In On Zionist-Bilderberger-Space Lizard Conspiracy…
  at least he didn't call it 'frisco'

Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans

Did you know that in San Francisco Republicanism is not (yet) punishable by literal, physical death? Social death, sure, that goes without saying, you will be mocked and derided and nobody will have gay sex with you (or if they do they will make fun of you about it, later). And yet these brave souls soldier on, content to know that they are making the world a better place. Yesterday, they were rewarded with what surely would have been the request they’d have given to the “Make A Wish” Foundation, if they were dying of cancer: a visit from Michael Steele! Read more on Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans…
  expired internet fads

Alabama Psychopath Lost Election, Will Now Shoot Everyone

Remember this guy, Dale Peterson, with his dumb horse and dumb gun and whatever? Well, he lost. But like every other tween-aged girl on YouTube, this fool equates national derision with sudden local importance. We were laughing at you, Dale. Go ahead and dream of shootin’ people for taking campaign signs promoting the guy who handed your flat ass right back to you. [Political Wire] Read more on Alabama Psychopath Lost Election, Will Now Shoot Everyone…
  that'll show 'em

SOMEONE’S GOT SENIORITIS REAL BAD: Oh, hey, check out who was one of the two Senate Democrats who didn’t bother showing up for last night’s financial reform vote! HA HA VOTING ON THINGS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO GIVE A SHIT (and haven’t had their hearts broken by a fickle electorate, boo hoo). The other Dem absentee was Robert Byrd, who may well have died weeks ago for all we know. Specter’s surly, petulant absence required who knows what last-minute desperate promises to Chuck Grassley, the only non-New England Republican to vote for the bill. (A ban on criticism of Twitter misspellings? Sure, let’s say that.) UPDATE: Smarty-pants commentor “rafflesinc” points out that Specter and Byrd were there for the cloture vote, which Grassley voted against. Christ, the Senate is confusing. I suppose the two of them just decided that since passage was assured they’d just go out behind the Capitol and do lines of Dutch Cleanser off the sidewalk. [NYT] Read more on …
  drunky mcrape-attempt

Jim Gibbons, America’s Worst Governor, Will Lose His Primary

Does anyone outside of Nevada remember America’s Worst Governor, drunken idiot slimeball waitress-assaulting Jim Gibbons, a red-faced beady-eyed turd so stupid and crooked that even Nevada’s Republicans have spent the past three rotten years mocking and attacking his incompetent, missing-in-action term as governor? Read more on Jim Gibbons, America’s Worst Governor, Will Lose His Primary…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed

The derelict city of Detroit is finally “getting serious” about razing thousands of boarded-up abandoned houses, and the worst ghetto crackhouse of all will soon be bulldozed: the childhood mansion of Mitt “Mittens” Romney. The Romneys and their servants once lived a life of Mormon Aristocracy in the five-bedroom two-story 5,500-square-foot estate in the once-grand neighborhood of Palmer Woods. (Actually, the neighborhood still looks nice beyond the Romney Slum Castle.) Why won’t Mitt Romney pay for the destruction of his awful haunted mansion instead of making Big Government take your tax dollars to knock down this horror-haus? Read more on Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed…
  walnuts!

John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that’s John McCain: “I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to accomplish this. However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected this year, I cannot fight for our shared values in the Senate. That’s why your immediate donation of any amount is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.” Read more on John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money…
  hahahahaha

‘Fake’ Hitler Ruins K-Lo’s Pretend America

You guys, come on! The teabaggers just wanted to dress up like George Washington and have a “virtual slave state constitutional convention” and you meanies went and ruined it all, just because the teabaggers are a bunch of delusional idiots who somehow think a wide-open website won’t be, uh, desecrated if they wish real hard or something. Plus, here’s a rare picture of K-Lo outside of her apartment, where she’s usually weeping in her Snuggie to old Reagan speeches. Read more on ‘Fake’ Hitler Ruins K-Lo’s Pretend America…
  the kkk ticket will be strong in 2012

Dipshit Who Failed At TeeVee Now Maybe Running For … President

Orange-headed bulb-nosed Mexican-hating fruitbat Lou Dobbs has really only failed at two things: Being a successful television news anchor, and being a dot-com executive. But the Space.com/CNN loser is now aiming to fail on a truly epic scale: He wants to run for president!!! Oh please, Lou, run for president. You can Mexican-wrestle Sarah Palin for the nomination … whoops, never mind, at least Sarah Palin is *popular* with the wingnuts. [Politico] Read more on Dipshit Who Failed At TeeVee Now Maybe Running For … President…
  historic comedy moments

Teabaggers Scared To Death of Being Confused With Negro Protesters

HILARITY: Would-be teabaggers and and other easily duped dingbats are proudly emailing each other wonderful pictures of a million teabaggers crowding the National Mall, but these pictures are actually from the Million Man March of 1997, an event attended by, ahem, colored people. Read more on Teabaggers Scared To Death of Being Confused With Negro Protesters…
  fail

Elderly Birther Gives Up After Two Years — Nobody Will Give Him Money!

Back in the good old days of making shit up about the Democrat president, mysterious gazillionaires like Richard Mellon Scaife or Montgomery Burns would give you piles of money for your wacky pursuit. The Web is still home to many such wingnut cesspools launched with Scaife’s riches! But these days, Christ, not even a full-time Birther can make a few bucks, even though he spent two of his last sad years on Earth dedicated to proving coloreds can’t be president. Read more on Elderly Birther Gives Up After Two Years — Nobody Will Give Him Money!…
  republicans in the news

Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. Read more on Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?…
  teevee news!

Levi, Mercede & Dopey Mom On Larry King Show Tonight!!!

Weren’t we just talking about Larry King? Yes we were! Well, the “king of all media” has some very special guests tonight, straight from the meth/moose/Taco Bell capital of the world, Wasilla. The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston will sit down this evening with Hollywood’s favorite death muppet, and dope-dealin’ mom Sherry Johnston is coming along for the ride. (The ride will be in an actual pickup truck, driven from Alaska. Sherry will be shotgun. Mercede likes to be closest to Levi, in the night.) Read more on Levi, Mercede & Dopey Mom On Larry King Show Tonight!!!…
  inland empire

Lamest Teabagging Party In America

Wonkette operative “Laura” sends this cell-phone shot from the High Desert stucco ghetto of Victorville, California. This is one of the lamest fucking places in America, the fat diabetic heart of the housing collapse, basically everyone is on the dole — military pension, social security, disability, etc. — so of course it’s hard-core wingnut land. This is the kind of place where you see new Ron Paul 2008 posters stapled up on the phone poles to replace the ones that blew away. The signs these teabaggers are waving say “HONK IF YOU LOVE COCK.” Read more on Lamest Teabagging Party In America…
  rumors on the weekend talk shows

Jindal To Run For Senate in 2010?

Bobby Jindal was supposed to be elected President in 2012 after America realized what a goofball Barack Obama was, spending money on volcano research and other pointless endeavors while a budget hawk like Jindal waited in the wings ready to swoop in with hot money-saving tips. But now Jindal’s, and indeed America’s, dreams may be put on hold while Jindal runs for Senate instead. Read more on Jindal To Run For Senate in 2010?…
  seething hatred

McCain Can’t Even Tell Polite Lie About Supporting Palin In 2012

How deeply must you despise your former running mate — the person you wanted America to accept as a perfectly good and safe president-in-waiting, just a few months ago — to be unable to fake a quick “Sure I support her” on a Sunday news-chat show? Here’s Old Walnuts McCain utterly unable to answer a simple question about Palin from David Gregory, because good lord, Palin is absolute human garbage. You’ve got to be some real dumb trash when even Republicans won’t support you. [YouTube/USA Today] Read more on McCain Can’t Even Tell Polite Lie About Supporting Palin In 2012…
  sight gags

Democrats To Waste Your Money Putting Anti-Rush Billboard Outside Limbaugh’s Tacky Mansion

At a time when America was dangerously low on political comedy, swollen swamp boil Rush Limbaugh has come through like a champ — providing not only schadenfreude-sweet laughs, but a new gimmick for Democratic fundraising campaigns. All hoped out from donating to Obama last year? Which, you know, worked out pretty well? Maybe you’d like to throw some money at the completely juvenile effort to put a mean billboard in Limbaugh’s tacky town. Read more on Democrats To Waste Your Money Putting Anti-Rush Billboard Outside Limbaugh’s Tacky Mansion…
  our new joe the plumber

Rod Blagojevich Finally Gets Consolation Prize

Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich thought he could finally cash in big with Barack Obama’s Senate seat, but that didn’t work out too well. Then Rod went on every talk show and cable-news program to jabber hysterical bullshit, and that really didn’t lead to riches, either. Now, at the end of both his political career and his brief stint as America’s Diversionary Joke, Blago has signed a very modest “six figure” deal to write an idiotic book. (“Six figure,” in this case, almost certainly means exactly $100,000 — a lot of money, to most people, but a lot less than the $155,600 he used to make as governor of Illinois.) [AP/WBBM] Read more on Rod Blagojevich Finally Gets Consolation Prize…