Tag Archives: losers

  maybe 2012 really is the end of the world

Poll: Republicans Suicidally Depressed With Their Lame Candidates

We are deep into the first year of the 2012 campaign — haha, only 18 more months to go! — and already the Republican Base is so depressed and disgusted by their awful slate of candidates that some experts believe the GOP won’t be able to get anyone to the polls, because of mass suicide and intentional Hoveround-Rascal collisions. This is what happened to Jesus’ dinosaurs, according to the Bible! And we all know that, according to both the bible and many popular comic books and soap operas, that history repeats and repeats. As Alan Keyes said, “Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.” He was right, too. (RIP Alan Keyes.) But what about these Republican candidates? Why are they so awful? Why is the jabbering buffoon Mike Huckabee the only one of the dozen or so “major candidates” seen favorably by even half of Republican voters? Is it possible that Republican voters have realized they’ve been taken for a ride these past three or four decades and that the multinational megacorporations that run the GOP have not the slightest interest in the pathetic lives of working-class middle-aged white people in America? Read more on Poll: Republicans Suicidally Depressed With Their Lame Candidates…
  he still won't friend you

Obama Holding Fake ‘Town Hall Meeting’ On Facebook Today

Do you love to combine time-wasting, ineffectual things? Then you won’t want to miss today’s Barack Obama campaign appearance/”Town Hall Meeting” on Facebook. Wow, that is the Holy American Trinity of useless computer things, right there. Don’t forget to sign up! Maybe Barack will “friend you back.” (Not really.) [Facebook] Read more on Obama Holding Fake ‘Town Hall Meeting’ On Facebook Today…
  summon your blimps

Ron Paul Is President of CPAC

The Wonkette team made it through two of CPAC’s three days before a combination of disgust and alcohol poisoning finally sent us running, so we’re a little late tonight with the thrilling news (?) that Doctor Ron Paul won the wingnut straw poll! Ron Paul is going to be president again! So awesome. He won last year, too. This means Ron Paul is now a two-term president and will have to “stand down for socialism” in 2012. Who said winning was easy? Also, he got less than a third of the vote, which proves nothing more than 1) Ron Paul always gets his loyalists to vote in the straw poll, and B) The Republican “conservatives” are just a confused & jumbled mess today. They really don’t know what to do. Romney is still Mormon and Liberal, Sarah Palin is still some halfwit teevee grifter with a never-ending series of tawdry scandals, Donald Trump is a dumb muppet clown, etc. (Why is Donald Trump even mentioned? Oh right, because he decided to show up. Doesn’t take much to create “star power” at CPAC.) Read more on Ron Paul Is President of CPAC…
  she's back!

Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid

It seems like only three months ago that Nevada nutbar Sharron Angle was handily defeated by dull Democrat Harry Reid, but Sharron Angle remembers this moment just like it was last November. She remembers, and she knows America remembers, too. She knows that in her loss, what really happened is that all of America stood weeping in salute of Our Flag, with a shotgun, and said to themselves, “Sharron Angle, we would totally vote for you if you were running against a negro.” Read more on Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid…
  california gold

Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein

Remember Meg Whitman, the poor little rich girl who got savagely trounced when Jerry Brown came out of his meditative trance one day, late in the election year, and said, “Oh yeah, I used to be California’s governor. I will be that again,” and then he destroyed her? Do you also remember that Meg Whitman had never even voted before, and her one and only “qualification” for office was spending enough of her millions to keep California’s television and radio advertising departments fully staffed while actually driving everyone else insane with her dumb ads and stupid face? Well, Meg’s planning a “comeback,” which is usually a word we reserve for people who have actually succeeded at something, earlier. Read more on Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein…
  she'd look great in a burqa

Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show

Bristol Palin is of course planning on showing off her lithe young body for the entertainment of millions of Americans on the hit new TV show Rubbing Yourself Up Against A Total Stranger With The Stars. This seems like it might actually contradict her stated life goal of convincing young girls to refrain from screwing hot dumb rednecks and getting knocked up, since obviously TV audiences will see her suggestive dance moves and immediately look for a young person to fuck sans prophylactics. But you shouldn’t worry about the effect on America’s morals, because Bristol will be covering up her nubile Palin-flesh before she goes on camera to embarrass herself, and us. Read more on Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show…
  must obey the blackberry phone

Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. Read more on Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food…
  when the laughter fades

Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off

Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, a resident of Illinois, was an employee of the U.S. Federal Government until 2002, when he took a position with the government of the State of Illinois. Part of the compensation he received with this job was an employer-provided residence; however, although Blagojevich signed a new contract with the Illinois government in 2006, in early 2009 he was fired from his job due to accusations of workplace malfeasance, the details of which are still in dispute. As a result, he was forced to vacate his residence on short notice, and, like many Americans facing such a situation, placed some of his belongings in a storage unit. However, he has failed to make the required rental payments on this storage space for over a year, and, as a consequence, the contents of the unit were auctioned off yesterday. Read more on Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off…
  visions of america

Obama Will Take This Idaho Slob’s Nonexistent Money

Direct from Ketchum, Idaho — where Ernest Hemingway shot himself, because the people were such trash — comes this shocking photograph of a dumb redneck’s beat-to-hell 1984 Suburban. Wonkette operative “Sebastian S.” apparently walked right up to this thing to take this picture, or maybe he just leaned out of his car and snapped the shot and sped away, weeping for America. But what do the custom Word document printout ‘n scotch tape signs say, about America? Let’s say “Enhance, enhance” to the teevee-apocalypse robot of the future (which is now) and get a closeup view. Read more on Obama Will Take This Idaho Slob’s Nonexistent Money…
  wheels within wheels

Bob Inglis Totally In On Zionist-Bilderberger-Space Lizard Conspiracy

Remember, Bob Inglis, the really quite conservative South Carolina Congressman (93 percent rating from the American Conservative Union!) who was absolutely obliterated in his primary this year by some Tea Party loony toon? Remember how he whined afterwards that he lost because he he wasn’t a demagogue? Well, now we have absolute proof, from his own (forked?) tongue, that we are all very lucky this fool is out of office, because he admits that, once made aware of the terrible alliance between scaly space monsters and Jews that threatens the very fabric of our existence, he did nothing. Read more on Bob Inglis Totally In On Zionist-Bilderberger-Space Lizard Conspiracy…
  at least he didn't call it 'frisco'

Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans

Did you know that in San Francisco Republicanism is not (yet) punishable by literal, physical death? Social death, sure, that goes without saying, you will be mocked and derided and nobody will have gay sex with you (or if they do they will make fun of you about it, later). And yet these brave souls soldier on, content to know that they are making the world a better place. Yesterday, they were rewarded with what surely would have been the request they’d have given to the “Make A Wish” Foundation, if they were dying of cancer: a visit from Michael Steele! Read more on Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans…
  expired internet fads

Alabama Psychopath Lost Election, Will Now Shoot Everyone

Remember this guy, Dale Peterson, with his dumb horse and dumb gun and whatever? Well, he lost. But like every other tween-aged girl on YouTube, this fool equates national derision with sudden local importance. We were laughing at you, Dale. Go ahead and dream of shootin’ people for taking campaign signs promoting the guy who handed your flat ass right back to you. [Political Wire] Read more on Alabama Psychopath Lost Election, Will Now Shoot Everyone…
  that'll show 'em

SOMEONE’S GOT SENIORITIS REAL BAD: Oh, hey, check out who was one of the two Senate Democrats who didn’t bother showing up for last night’s financial reform vote! HA HA VOTING ON THINGS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO GIVE A SHIT (and haven’t had their hearts broken by a fickle electorate, boo hoo). The other Dem absentee was Robert Byrd, who may well have died weeks ago for all we know. Specter’s surly, petulant absence required who knows what last-minute desperate promises to Chuck Grassley, the only non-New England Republican to vote for the bill. (A ban on criticism of Twitter misspellings? Sure, let’s say that.) UPDATE: Smarty-pants commentor “rafflesinc” points out that Specter and Byrd were there for the cloture vote, which Grassley voted against. Christ, the Senate is confusing. I suppose the two of them just decided that since passage was assured they’d just go out behind the Capitol and do lines of Dutch Cleanser off the sidewalk. [NYT] Read more on …
  drunky mcrape-attempt

Jim Gibbons, America’s Worst Governor, Will Lose His Primary

Does anyone outside of Nevada remember America’s Worst Governor, drunken idiot slimeball waitress-assaulting Jim Gibbons, a red-faced beady-eyed turd so stupid and crooked that even Nevada’s Republicans have spent the past three rotten years mocking and attacking his incompetent, missing-in-action term as governor? Read more on Jim Gibbons, America’s Worst Governor, Will Lose His Primary…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed

The derelict city of Detroit is finally “getting serious” about razing thousands of boarded-up abandoned houses, and the worst ghetto crackhouse of all will soon be bulldozed: the childhood mansion of Mitt “Mittens” Romney. The Romneys and their servants once lived a life of Mormon Aristocracy in the five-bedroom two-story 5,500-square-foot estate in the once-grand neighborhood of Palmer Woods. (Actually, the neighborhood still looks nice beyond the Romney Slum Castle.) Why won’t Mitt Romney pay for the destruction of his awful haunted mansion instead of making Big Government take your tax dollars to knock down this horror-haus? Read more on Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed…
  walnuts!

John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that’s John McCain: “I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to accomplish this. However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected this year, I cannot fight for our shared values in the Senate. That’s why your immediate donation of any amount is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.” Read more on John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money…