Tag Archives: losers

  Tossing the Lord's apples

Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss

The evangelical Christians are fighting over the gays, everyone! Specifically, they are fighting at ultra-conservative Wheaton College in Illinois, where a simple nice chapel time turned into a fruit-tossing contest. NO THEY DID NOT THROW GAY PEOPLE AT EACH OTHER, you should not be calling gays “fruits,” anyway, you dicks, did you learn nothing at liberal indoctrination camp? Read more on Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss…
  please shut the piehole already

People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason

Ha ha! Hair gel!
Usually when a candidate for president gets crushed in the election like a vat of grapes in an I Love Lucy episode, he has the decency to disappear from public view, maybe take up a cause like building houses for the poor (Jimmy Carter) or global warming (Al Gore) or returning to the Senate to yell at the person who beat him to get off his lawn (John McCain). Read more on People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason…
  Land of the Lost

Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?

The best man to represent wherever he happens to land
FRIDAY TWOFER OF SHAME! Part I: Scott Brown, that handsome former Senator fellow who once accused Elizabeth Warren of masquerading as a Red Indian, is expected to “launch an exploratory committee for a U.S. Senate bid in New Hampshire,” which is weird because we thought he already did something like that? And he drew a bigger crowd of protesters than supporters? Bqhatevwr, we’re sure he knows what he’s grifting. But who is Part II of your Handsome Loser twin billing, besides a man called “Joe Miller”? IT IS JOE MILLER, that Alaska stubble-faced frontiersman who went to Yale and once (“allegedly”) wrongfully imprisoned a reporter, for asking him a question! Read more on Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?…
  coffee is for closers

Playing With Your Children Is For Losers, Says Business Insider

Nothing says “winning” like abandoning your loved ones to make money for your corporate overlords, amiright guys? I mean, is the guy in the $6,000 suit going to have a “work-life balance”? COME ON. He is not, because he is a WINNER, because as Business Insider kindly explains at us, work-life balance is for LOSERS (or at least, it’s for people who are not WINNERS). So if you want to make it to the top, you will man up and work 70 hours a week and if you are a winner, you will LIKE it. From the good people at Business Insider, who have magnanimously brought us an article called “Real Winners Don’t Have Work-Life Balance”: Read more on Playing With Your Children Is For Losers, Says Business Insider…
  asphinctersayswhat

Bitter Defeated Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh Explains At Americans That They Are Stupid Losers

Have you missed Joe Walsh (R-Nothing)? No, of course you haven’t, because he is kind of an asshole. But JUST IN CASE someone misses him he has started a group called the “Freedom Movement” and invited people to a townhall meeting so they could watch him wave his arms around and talk about Freedom for a good two hours. Yes, this video is two hours long, and it consists of him a) talking and b) waving his arms around and once in awhile c) consulting his notes. And as it turns out, you can cram an awful lot of stupid into two hours, although our favorite occurs at around 29:00, when he informs his audience that he routinely ignores the advice of political strategists who tell him not to insult the American people, and then goes ahead and insults the American people. Read more on Bitter Defeated Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh Explains At Americans That They Are Stupid Losers…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever

Let’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in Florida, in which Allen West was always losing but just close enough to demand further recounts, was a best-of-both-worlds situation for us: he wouldn’t be allowed to actually participate in the governing process, but he would stay in the spotlight and be ludicrous for our amusement. We even heard rumors that he was planning on showing up for work at the Capitol every day, and would get into fisticuffs with security guards, which would have been hilarious! But instead he just up and quit, like a little baby. Read more on Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever…
  don't go away mad just go away

Harry Reid Now Just Being Mean To Scott Brown For Fun

We’ll say this for Mitt Romney: He sure sets a low bar for the behavior of supposedly moderate Massachusetts Republicans! For instance, after Mitt spent a conference call with his big donors whining about how Barack Obama won the election by championing policies that will benefit Americans, Scott Brown’s post-loss press conference, where he (no doubt sullenly) mouthed platitudes about “bipartisanship,” looked positively statesmanlike. But that didn’t stop Harry Reid from just cold talking smack to reporters about what a dick Scott Brown was. Will Harry Reid regret this, when Scott Brown is inevitably re-elected to the Senate, in a month or two? Read more on Harry Reid Now Just Being Mean To Scott Brown For Fun…
  free willard

Romney’s Expensive Computer Get-Out-The-Vote Effort Explodes Miserably, Like Rest Of Romney Campaign

You can find just about anywhere on the Internet right now important stories about how Team Obama used a bunch of high-tech gee-whiz computer business to analyze huge amounts of data on voters and contributors and get them out to the polls, both in 2008 and 2012. Well, the Republican establishment wasn’t about to take that lying down! No, they designed their own high-tech thingie called “Project ORCA,” which did not work, just like all the other aspects of the Romney campaign that didn’t work on election day. Let’s get the secret inside scoop! Read more on Romney’s Expensive Computer Get-Out-The-Vote Effort Explodes Miserably, Like Rest Of Romney Campaign…
  roll 1d20 to save

Fox Nation Super-Stoked On Romney’s Domination Of Pre-Debate Coin-Toss

“Say,” you’re probably thinking. “That’s a good-looking nickel. One of those saucy ones from 2005. You could use it to buy a piece of Double Bubble, or maybe you could put in the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ tray at the gas station if you want to blow minds with your generosity.” But that’s no ordinary nickel; that’s the most politically important metallic disc in the world, and it has personally ensured the crushing defeat of Barack Hussein Nobama at tonight’s debate. BUT HOW COULD A MERE FIVE-CENT PIECE HAVE SUCH POWER??? Read more on Fox Nation Super-Stoked On Romney’s Domination Of Pre-Debate Coin-Toss…
  greek rage raises its ugly head

Michael Dukakis Just Stone Cold Trash-Talking Everybody At The DNC

One of the fun/awkward things about the party conventions is seeing how they deal with loser candidates from years past! Like, Jimmy Carter, an actual former president, was only allowed to address the DNC via video, so that they could cut him off if he started chanting “Death To Israel” or whatever. But what about whatshisname, the little guy, lost in 1988, never got to be president in the first place — yeah, Michael Dukakis! Him! Apparently he’s roaming around the convention and was even allowed to give a speech of some sort to … people eating breakfast … or something? The Boston Globe article about it helpfully provides zero context, but that’s OK, because it does report all the mean Dukakis zingers! Mrow! Read more on Michael Dukakis Just Stone Cold Trash-Talking Everybody At The DNC…
  american pastimes

Hoosiers To Beat Up Old Man

After 36 years in the Senate, Indiana’s Dick Lugar will likely see his political career end tonight for the simple reason that he’s talked to President Obama in good faith a couple of times over the past several years. That’s really it! Bob Bennett’s primary loss in 2010 was pretty bad, too, but at least they could point to the fact that he co-authored a health care bill with an individual mandate. (As have most Republicans at some point, so nevermind.) Dick Lugar, though? Here’s a plain conservative white-haired feller who’s put in several decades getting Indianans whatever they want — and, since Republicans will probably win the Senate, is now in line to get them infinitely more with his seniority — but, regrettably, hasn’t punched enough Mexicans in the face over the last six years or called Obama a Farty Hitler yet. Oh, and he has a house in Washington, where he works! Destroy him! Read more on Hoosiers To Beat Up Old Man…
  state of horror

Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most

Everyone hates the four big Republican presidential candidates! This is a Historical Fact, which, who knows, may already have made it into recently printed first-grade primers. BUT did you know that the degree to which a given voting individual intrinsically hates each GOP monster is mathemagically related to how long that individual has already had to put up with that monster? Meaning: Mitt and the Boys may now be campaigning nationally but they are most not-liked locally, where the populace has suffered the longest direct contact with them. We explore this phenomenon in detail, after the jump! Read more on Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most…
  former frontrunners

Texas Dummkopf Rick Perry Now Deemed Too Stupid To Give Money To

Rick Perry was going to save the Republicans from having to vote for a liberal Mormon from Taxachusetts, but then Rick Perry actually opened his mouth, and everybody outside of Texas realized for the first time that he’s an imbecile. It seemed Perry had everything it took to become president of America, as he is a dumb Texan governor who will do whatever he’s told by the oil companies, but these days not even his alleged supporters will give him any money. Read more on Texas Dummkopf Rick Perry Now Deemed Too Stupid To Give Money To…
  grifter´s downfall

Sarah Palin Reduced To Hosting Dinners At Disneyworld

Damaged-goods dingbat Sarah Palin is so unpopular and forgotten these days that only Florida’s state GOP wants her around, at a trade-show rubber-chicken dinner, at Disneyworld. Palin has apparently accepted an offer to jabber for a few minutes in exchange for a platter of convention food and a bag of soiled dollar bills. But she’s not even the Star Attraction! According to the event’s flyer, printed out in Microsoft Word by a temp employee, evil cue-ball Rick Scott and one of his fake minions (“chairman Lenny Curry,” sure) are the actual headliners. Read more on Sarah Palin Reduced To Hosting Dinners At Disneyworld…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  maybe 2012 really is the end of the world

Poll: Republicans Suicidally Depressed With Their Lame Candidates

We are deep into the first year of the 2012 campaign — haha, only 18 more months to go! — and already the Republican Base is so depressed and disgusted by their awful slate of candidates that some experts believe the GOP won’t be able to get anyone to the polls, because of mass suicide and intentional Hoveround-Rascal collisions. This is what happened to Jesus’ dinosaurs, according to the Bible! And we all know that, according to both the bible and many popular comic books and soap operas, that history repeats and repeats. As Alan Keyes said, “Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.” He was right, too. (RIP Alan Keyes.) But what about these Republican candidates? Why are they so awful? Why is the jabbering buffoon Mike Huckabee the only one of the dozen or so “major candidates” seen favorably by even half of Republican voters? Is it possible that Republican voters have realized they’ve been taken for a ride these past three or four decades and that the multinational megacorporations that run the GOP have not the slightest interest in the pathetic lives of working-class middle-aged white people in America? Read more on Poll: Republicans Suicidally Depressed With Their Lame Candidates…
  he still won't friend you

Obama Holding Fake ‘Town Hall Meeting’ On Facebook Today

Do you love to combine time-wasting, ineffectual things? Then you won’t want to miss today’s Barack Obama campaign appearance/”Town Hall Meeting” on Facebook. Wow, that is the Holy American Trinity of useless computer things, right there. Don’t forget to sign up! Maybe Barack will “friend you back.” (Not really.) [Facebook] Read more on Obama Holding Fake ‘Town Hall Meeting’ On Facebook Today…
  summon your blimps

Ron Paul Is President of CPAC

The Wonkette team made it through two of CPAC’s three days before a combination of disgust and alcohol poisoning finally sent us running, so we’re a little late tonight with the thrilling news (?) that Doctor Ron Paul won the wingnut straw poll! Ron Paul is going to be president again! So awesome. He won last year, too. This means Ron Paul is now a two-term president and will have to “stand down for socialism” in 2012. Who said winning was easy? Also, he got less than a third of the vote, which proves nothing more than 1) Ron Paul always gets his loyalists to vote in the straw poll, and B) The Republican “conservatives” are just a confused & jumbled mess today. They really don’t know what to do. Romney is still Mormon and Liberal, Sarah Palin is still some halfwit teevee grifter with a never-ending series of tawdry scandals, Donald Trump is a dumb muppet clown, etc. (Why is Donald Trump even mentioned? Oh right, because he decided to show up. Doesn’t take much to create “star power” at CPAC.) Read more on Ron Paul Is President of CPAC…
  she's back!

Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid

It seems like only three months ago that Nevada nutbar Sharron Angle was handily defeated by dull Democrat Harry Reid, but Sharron Angle remembers this moment just like it was last November. She remembers, and she knows America remembers, too. She knows that in her loss, what really happened is that all of America stood weeping in salute of Our Flag, with a shotgun, and said to themselves, “Sharron Angle, we would totally vote for you if you were running against a negro.” Read more on Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid…
  california gold

Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein

Remember Meg Whitman, the poor little rich girl who got savagely trounced when Jerry Brown came out of his meditative trance one day, late in the election year, and said, “Oh yeah, I used to be California’s governor. I will be that again,” and then he destroyed her? Do you also remember that Meg Whitman had never even voted before, and her one and only “qualification” for office was spending enough of her millions to keep California’s television and radio advertising departments fully staffed while actually driving everyone else insane with her dumb ads and stupid face? Well, Meg’s planning a “comeback,” which is usually a word we reserve for people who have actually succeeded at something, earlier. Read more on Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein…
  she'd look great in a burqa

Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show

Bristol Palin is of course planning on showing off her lithe young body for the entertainment of millions of Americans on the hit new TV show Rubbing Yourself Up Against A Total Stranger With The Stars. This seems like it might actually contradict her stated life goal of convincing young girls to refrain from screwing hot dumb rednecks and getting knocked up, since obviously TV audiences will see her suggestive dance moves and immediately look for a young person to fuck sans prophylactics. But you shouldn’t worry about the effect on America’s morals, because Bristol will be covering up her nubile Palin-flesh before she goes on camera to embarrass herself, and us. Read more on Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show…
  must obey the blackberry phone

Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. Read more on Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food…