Okay, for the future: you should know that your editor has an English degree, and the only way he will ever use this in life is by quoting semi-famous lines from novels to see if anyone “gets” them, like a douche. “Look at this tangle of thorns.” We received zero Lolita-themed Blingees which is too bad, because that person would have automatically won. But back to the horror show: Congratulations to winner Jennifer F., for this awesome mutant thing with its dancing penis banana trimming. You win an “iPhone,” Jennifer! It’s a telephone, but it can do other stuff too! Runners-up after the jump. MORE »

Yesterday all we knew about this fellow Chris Ortloff was that he had been arrested in a hotel room with some manner of sex devices on his person and an alleged intention to do dirty things to a minor or minors. Now we learn the nature of the devices (garden variety, alas) and the intended victims (fake 11- and 12-year-old sisters). MORE »