As your Wonkette waits for the plumber to fix the burst pipe in its own terrible DC house this Sunday morning, we’re comforted to find that we’re not alone. An anonymous emailer sends in this picture, allegedly of the famous spy museum in D.C., suffering from frozen/busted water pipes. The museum remains open, apparently, and is maybe housing thousands of spy restaurant workers? [Washington Times]

Your Wonkette associate editor was buying his weekly “groceries” (frozen gravy-flavored bacon sticks and chocolate) at the Safeway on 14th & D sts. SE when suddenly his fellow customers screamed, “OMG IT’S OBAMA.” Then: “I want my picture taken with Obama.” Lastly: “Oh he’s just wax Obama.” Just kidding, your associate editor was the only person to do this. This is the famous Wax Demon, and it will be terrorizing other Safeways in the District tonight, according to the terrorist in charge. This is what feminism looks like!

Exclusive social networking site to the Confederacy, Late Night Shots, is participating in this sexy Georgetown Ball OBVS. Maybe Buffett will show up and bring the tunage! And dude we bet our bro Trenholm crushes at least six indie slutz by midnight. Also.

• ODDLY HILARIOUS HYPERBOLIC QUOTES FROM CITY OFFICIALS WHO ARE FREAKING OUT OVER INAUGURATION LOGISTICS, TUESDAY EDITION: “It is going to be the most challenging day in the history of Metro.” [WTOP]

• NEED MORE INFO PLZ: Wonkette olfactory operative “Lim” wrote earlier this morning, “I now corroborated with multiple people that downtown DC today smells like dog-shit. Everywhere you go, everything just smells like shit. What the hell is going on?” Lanny Davis. Lanny Davis is what’s going on. We have no idea, Limmy. If you, the local Wonkette reader, also smell dog shit in Downtown DC, first check the soles of your shoes, and if they’re clear then try to locate the source for an exciting Wonkette “pooper scoop.” (Ugh.) Go!

Your Wonkette despises leaving the house, ever, except for such things as food, but even that can frequently come in the form of home delivery these days, what with the Internet and all. But it is Holiday season, alas, and we feel obligated to cover DC’s many terrible holiday parties! Last night, your Wonkette, along with visiting college friend operative “Stephen,” went to two (2) parties that had absolutely nothing to do with The Holidays. The first was a “send-off to the White House” shindig at the Hawk and Dove for Obama’s fierce new press secretary, Robert Gibbs! This was almost certainly a “party crash;” we had absolutely no business being there. The second was a 40th anniversary party or something for libertarian deathrag Reason, which was just a bunch of drunk Cato Institute staffers from Norway getting belligerent at a filthy bar in Dupont. Endless tales of treachery and violence follow. MORE »

Hey if any of you far-away losers want to visit Washington D.C. on “vacation” soon, to teach your brat kids about America, now’s the grandest time of all! Because thanks to your $621 million in appropriated taxpayer funds — yes that’s right, 6, 2, and 1, glued together, a million of them, in dollars — a fancy new UNDERGROUND VISITOR CENTER at the U.S. Capitol finally opened on Tuesday. It is underground so you don’t get too cold or hot — depending on the season! — as your fat ass waits in line for a tour. One Senator, the very conservative Jim DeMint of South Carolina, despises this new visitor center — but not because of its completely inappropriate cost, of course! No, he’s just concerned that the center’s exhibits don’t praise God quite enough, and that the exhibits themselves are “left-leaning,” which is common D.C. slang for “gay.” MORE »

Oh boy howdy here’s a winner of a party from our special friends at Late Night Shots, the exclusive invite-only social networking club for glib Georgetown trust-funders whose hearts belong to the Confederacy. The members were recently inspired by the playful cultural activities of the slaves on their plantations, and they’ve decided to throw an ironic version for themselves! HA HA HA, see it’s an AWESOME and hilarious idea for a party, because they’re pretending to be like black people!!

Here’s one for the children of Washington, D.C., with Wonkette’s own Liz Glover interviewing famous local hero rock star Ted Leo of the wonderful elitist band Ted Leo & The Pharmacists outside a Black Cat show last week. He talks about some obscure album someone made once, because that is what indie rock people do whenever they hear a fleeting reference to anything music-related. Then Liz asks about Sarah Palin and he gets “all emo” and start talking about “bullets in bellies.” Why does Ted Leo hate the troops? [YouTube]

Local Wonkette operative “Charlotte” (who is “home sick from work” today, so wish her a speedy recovery/death!) sends us this photo of her sink in Washington. It now only pours monster blood. This is something Jesus predicted would happen, in the Bible, and since Washington is a leading indicator of all “Apocalyptic happenings,” our advice remains the same: BUY CANNED GOODS. (And bottled water; that is so fucking disgusting good god.)

A fancy Georgetown University student has S.O.S.ed about a new plague in the school’s rich fat cat neighborhood, far beyond the reach of the Metro: “A message from officials at Georgetown now confirms that the campus is just riddled with sickness. We’re all infected with norovirus, a flu thing that is caused by ‘fecal contamination’ and is highly contagious!” Oh well how does John McCain feel now about his insult to Georgetown yesterday hmm? Does he think it’s funny that this could spread from campus and GEORGE WILL COULD DIE FROM THE AIDS CANCER AT A COCKTAIL PARTY? MORE »