Wonkette

• LOOK, HE’S STILL ALIVE OK?: From the intrepid local news team at ABC 7 News: “The pedestrian who was struck by prominent Washington columnist and commentator Robert Novak is in worse shape than first thought, a hospital source tells ABC 7 News. The victim, a 66-year-old man, appeared somewhat incoherent, said the source who had seen the victim. The man appeared to have casts on his neck and back. The victim was X-rayed and a surgical team plans to evaluate him, the source said.” The police should take note of the severity here and strike Novak with a harsher penalty. They gave him a $50 ticket earlier? Make it $65. NO — GIVE HIM A $90 TICKET. [WJLA]

Here is 800-year-old columnist Bob Novak, the Last Scion of Bilbo Baggins, talking to the local teevee news after hitting some guy with his car and then speeding away, only to be captured. Isn’t it HMM COINCIDENTAL that a Politico reporter happened to be walking by the incident? Here’s the “new truth:” Politico and Bob Novak thought that this was Ron Paul, this pedestrian, and they were trying to kill him for the second day in a row. HE DOES NOT HAVE MUCH LONGER. DR PAUL ES MARTYR. [YouTube via Think Progress]

The “A” location on this space satellite Google Maps image is 2101 L Street NW, the ONLY Starbucks that will be closed in Washington D.C. out of 600-ish closed ones nationwide. This is problematic for two reasons: (1) there is nary another bean shop anywhere near this rich, young-professionalized and textbook yuppie part of Northwest D.C. and (2) this was the Starbucks for HOSPITAL and WOUND CARE patients, as you can see. People get shot all the time with legal guns in this city and now they will have no Starbucks coffee! [Washington Post]

• GOOD SWEET JESUS GOD: We’ve gotten a few million “HOT NAKED FLAPPERS” e-mails this afternoon, or at least a few dozen, for Paultardpalooza. Among the respondents were an elitist lawyer and a house of six interns! Ha ha, and they all consider Ron Paul to be comical. We will see you at 9:30 a.m. at the Tune Inn, but if things get a little overcrowded, we may move next door to the Hawk ‘n’ Dove, which opens at 10 a.m. If you’re a SLACKER and show up late to find that the Tune Inn is a Ghost Town, hopefully the kindly barkeep will let us post a sign on the door saying something like “FREE CHEESY MUFFINS NEXT DOOR –>.”

We have our plans for Paultardpalooza, finally. We will meet at the gloriously iconic dive bar, the Tune Inn, at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. We decided on the Tune Inn after calling various Capitol Hill bars and asking, “How early do you start serving alcohol in the morning?” Most places awkwardly tried to hang up, but the Tune Inn gave us a hearty “8 a.m.!” in response, and we appreciated that. MORE IMPORTANT DETAILS AFTER THE JUMP. MORE »

• SEND YOUR IDEAS FOR PAULTARDPALOOZA PRE-GAMING: We need more suggestions for our Wonkette Paultardpalooza Drinking Binge At Nine A.M. On Saturday Party. Here is one reader’s plan: “I don’t have a place where one can safely become intoxicated enough for a Paultard march that starts at 9am, but I know Glenmont Metro station’s still got a load of construction equipment on the top floor. It’s perfect for ‘pre-gaming’ before an literary assault on The Hill. Security there has been laid-off, and no one really goes to that end of the line that early on a Saturday, unless their hungover and trying to get stoned. The Stainedglass Pub is also right there, good bar food, cheap booze, layed back bartenders.” This all sounds fantastic, except for the fact that Glenmont is at the END OF THE RED LINE, a.k.a. Outer Space (”Maryland”). Oh, and to any Capitol Hill bars out there: If you open at 9 a.m. for us, we will give you all the publicity you ever wanted.

The only worthwhile event in Washington all summer is finally happening this weekend: The R[EVOL]UTION MARCH, in support of failed presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul, in which he will be joining the most Paultarded of Paultards in a march along Constitution Ave. — that, my friends, is not an accident — to the Capitol, which they will firebomb with flaming crossbows. We will proudly be attending this Saturday. Details! MORE »

Wonkette Bitter operative “Carl” brings us a very important EMERGENCY WONK’D today, in which he spots Barack Obama at Eliot Spitzer’s hooker hotel in Washington D.C. Barry, of course, is in town today to vote in favor of the illegal FISA overhaul. But mostly he is just talking on his cell phone and riding in a foreign terrorism-supporting S.U.V. and ignoring “Carl” and his Bitter friends. Read the account, after the jump. MORE »

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories?

DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT HAS TO STOP?: “WASHINGTON - A Metro station manager and a Metro custodian were arrested on prostitution charges after an undercover transit police investigation found they arranged sexual trysts for money from inside the Dupont Circle Metro station.” Oh boy! Apparently the station manager was the contact on a flier advertising “sex trips” to Brazil. Are those still on, or do we get refunds? [Examiner]