Tag Archives: local news

  The Black Magic School Bus

Nice Lady Sees Devil Symbol In School Bus Lights, Gets On TV

The devil's in my car
From Memphis, Tennessee, we have this important news of demon-possessed bus tail lights, thanks to easily upset Christian lady Robin Wilkins, who saw a star pattern in the LED taillights of a school bus. She decided it was a Satanic pentagram just like on a heavy metal record, and took her concerns to the local teevee station. Which aired them, of course, because why wouldn’t they? Read more on Nice Lady Sees Devil Symbol In School Bus Lights, Gets On TV…
  muddle school

Sixth-Grade Virginia Girl Gets Zero-Toleranced For Saving Classmate From Cutting Himself

This young lady is Adrionna Harris, a sixth-grader at Bayside Middle school in Virginia Beach, Virginia. And she is a pretty decent kid who did a pretty cool thing: last week, when she saw a classmate cutting himself with a snap-off blade segment from a utility knife, she took the blade away from the boy, threw it away, and reported the incident to school administrators the next day. And then she got a gift certificate for a pizza party and a commendation for excellent citizenship, right? Precisely, just as long as you replace “gift certificate for a pizza party” with “10-day suspension” and “commendation for excellent citizenship” with “recommendation for expulsion for violating the school’s zero-tolerance of weapons policy.” We would make a joke about how you can totally tell that she’s a blade-wielding thug just by looking at that rebellious dyed hair, but no, she is obviously a sweetheart who was raised right, with just the small oversight on her parents’ part that they didn’t get around to explaining just how idiotic institutions can be. And now she’s learned that. Read more on Sixth-Grade Virginia Girl Gets Zero-Toleranced For Saving Classmate From Cutting Himself…
  Middle-School Confidential

Dig Your Ground: Shovel-Toting Student Freaks Out Idaho Middle School, Resulting In Lockdown

Staff and parents at a middle school in the Boise suburb of Meridian, Idaho, pretty much lost their shit when a student carrying a folding “military style” short-handled shovel was mistaken for a maniac roaming the halls of the school with an axe on Thursday. The school went into lockdown while police searched the school for some two hours. Eight other schools in the Meridian district also locked their doors before police determined that the kid had an antique shovel that he had brought to school as part of a project for a history class. Despite the lockdown being a false alarm, parents who had gathered to wait at a nearby church were allowed to take their kids home for the rest of the day if they wished to. School officials quickly reclassified the school’s security status from “Freaking Right The Fuck Out Over Nothing” to “Defensively Covering Embarassment With Reassurances That We Were Acting With An Excess Of Caution For The Children.” Read more on Dig Your Ground: Shovel-Toting Student Freaks Out Idaho Middle School, Resulting In Lockdown…
  ho-hum

Illinois GOP Lawmaker Arrested in Animal Feed Bag-Related Incident

Illinois crazytime state lawmaker update alert newsbreak: GOP state Senator Suzi Schmidt, the curiously thrilled human pictured at left, was arrested for, uh, “damaging” an animal feed bag belonging to the neighbors and was later served with an “emergency stalking no contact order.” This is the same Suzi Schmidt who last year preemptively phoned 911 dispatchers on Christmas to first inform them of her official title and then instruct them to ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse and then bragged that her husband was “afraid” of her connections. How is this woman not governor yet? Read more on Illinois GOP Lawmaker Arrested in Animal Feed Bag-Related Incident…
  the ghosts of basil and pagels live on

Jesus Romantic Chris Young Is Your Next Providence Mayor

Chris Young is a perennial mayoral candidate in Providence, Rhode Island. As you can see in the video above, he knows that the most important part of politics is pulling out a music recording and singing along to the psalm you wrote about Jesus. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING, WONKETEERS? Previously Young was kicked out of a debate holding a statue of the Virgin Mary, and another time he got angry and flipped over a debate table. Last night, though, he was on his “best behavior.” He proposed to his GIRLFRIEND as his closing statement, though that may have been just been a cynical ploy to get the audience to go “awwwwwwww.” Read more on Jesus Romantic Chris Young Is Your Next Providence Mayor…
  recreational activities

GOOD THING YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW, AND NOT IN A SEX POSITION: A polite congratulations offered from a distance to the city of Washington, D.C. today, which the CDC just named the country’s #1 gross hotspot for highest rate of STDs. D.C. STD rates are three times that of Virginia and four times that of Maryland. Who knew those Late Night Shots people were even still alive? [My Fox DC] Read more on …
  what the internet needs right now

POLITICO Fat Cat To Start POLITICO-Style Metro News Site

Good news, Washington humans: the rich right-wing owner of the POLITICO, Robert Albritton, is preparing to launch a local news website, with the admirable goal of further destroying the Washington Post. (Although the Washington Post has great local news blogs and reporters!) And just in case you were wondering, yes: “The site will cover D.C and the suburbs, and echo Politico‘s aggressive, scoop-oriented focus.” Your Wonkette editors have been brainstorming, furiously. [TNR] Read more on POLITICO Fat Cat To Start POLITICO-Style Metro News Site…
  es liar?

Best Steve Doocy Clip Ever Discovered With Basic YouTube Search

Clip o’ the century, folks, clip o’ the century. Here is our favorite Fox & Friends star Steve Doocy wearing his mother’s finest Christmas sweater in a DC local news segment from 1988. The story is about one “A-peeling Guy” trying to give the Washington Redskins a potato. BUT! BUT! According to the subject of the story, who posted this clip on YouTube, STEVE DOOCY INSULTED RONALD REAGAN. Read more on Best Steve Doocy Clip Ever Discovered With Basic YouTube Search…
  veritable donnybrooks

Reporter Lady In Kerfuffle With Blagojevich, At Disneyworld

Wacky whore & fraud Rod Blagojevich, who was indicted on 16 counts of epic corruption in Chicago yesterday, is currently on vacation at the Florida amusement park Walt Disney World. Oh, and he is with his family. Some local teevee reporter lady got wind of this yesterday and went to his hotel pool area to harass him, ha. In the end we are introduced to a new and very comical figure, this very touchy fat slob who may or may not be Blagojevich’s bodyguard. [YouTube] Read more on Reporter Lady In Kerfuffle With Blagojevich, At Disneyworld…
  you can always click through to the source article

ASSHOLES FROM POLITICAL BLOG RUIN JOURNALISM, AMERICA: People go so insane over words, on the Internet. [DCist]
 

Sinister Chalk Vandal Is Loose In DC Parks

A mysterious ninja-type figure was recently seen running along Rock Creek between Woodley Park and Montrose Park, throwing “an azure-colored granular material” on the ground. Sometimes there seemed to be a pattern to this ninja’s artful splatters as they formed “X”s and “O”s. Was this some urban form of crop circles? A summons to ancient Mayan gods? Anthrax? Read more on Sinister Chalk Vandal Is Loose In DC Parks…
 

Bathrooms of the Media Elite

Have you ever wondered what the inside of Washington Examiner gossip columnist and associate editorial page editor (and FishbowlDC blogger) Patrick Gavin’s bathtub looks like? Sure, we all have! Thank god for Channel 9. Read more on Bathrooms of the Media Elite…
 

Local News Metaphor of the Day

It comes to us courtesy of NBC4. In a routine story about that evergreen local news topic, fires during weddings, reporter Michael Flynn gets a little poetic: “We have to marry this afternoon,” he said. “This won’t stop it. We have to marry.” And marry they did, hoping that from now on the only flames in their lives are feelings in their hearts. The couple said their vows a few hours after the fire. Read more on Local News Metaphor of the Day…
 

McKinney Update: Fisticuffs!

Hank Johnson may have won more “votes”, but Cynthia McKinney knows how to get more press, because if you get into an altercation with the media, you can pretty much guarantee that they’re going to report on it. Take notes, Mr. Johnson, take notes. Read more on McKinney Update: Fisticuffs!…
 

NATIONAL SECURITY OUTRAGE! TRAVEL PLANS IN TRASH!

We kinda love everything about this story from channel 9 last night. The immediate invocation of Osama bin Laden (complete with the hilarious image of him rooting through the White House trash), the ex-con garbage man doing his “civic duty,” the outrage and shock from the anchors, it’s classic local news. And it even features a brief, wordless cameo appearance from Ms. Katherine Harris. Enjoy. Read more on NATIONAL SECURITY OUTRAGE! TRAVEL PLANS IN TRASH!…
 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Condicise

Your Secretary of State: We like to pretend the newsticker along the bottom is running commentary. “When I’m on the road, I absolutely schedule time to get in my exercise first [Three bombs exploded today within in hour in Baghdad…].” It’s fun! Read more on Ladies and Gentlemen, Condicise…
 

CBS Quickly Booked Kissinger and Haig in a Free-Throw Contest

Dear DC residents with Tivo, We have a small request. Please please please record this: US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will flex more than her diplomatic muscles when she demonstrates her personal workout regime on network television this week.[…]“She is tough, I have to tell you,” said Barbara Harrison, a news co-anchor with the NBC4 channel in Washington who persuaded Rice, 51, to put on her gym sweats and participate in a regular segment on health and fitness.[…]“She looks good throughout the whole workout,” Harrison added. Read more on CBS Quickly Booked Kissinger and Haig in a Free-Throw Contest…
 

It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Stupidity

Hard-hitting local news “Live at 5″ turns the heavy ammunition of “team coverage” on the most important news of the day: The heat. We don’t have the transcript on us, but we think it went something like this: Read more on It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Stupidity…
 

Chelsea Clinton’s Happy Ending

A Wonkette operative reports on a, uhm, much-kneaded political figure: Walked into the Starbucks on Connecticut and R [Sunday]…in the corner were two people sitting in a one-person chair, and there was some gross neck/shoulder massaging going on. Just as I was about to turn to my wife to point out this disgusting display, I realized it was the former first daughter, Chelsea Clinton. She looked pretty damn good. Regardless, public massage should be grounds for caning. Read more on Chelsea Clinton’s Happy Ending…