local

Everyone loves a good piñata. You get a baseball bat and go smash, ha ha ha! And then everyone goes home with stuffed pockets of candy and razor blades. The kids love this nonsense. But lo, what has Precinct 4 of Houston done now? A “park policy adopted in Precinct 4, which stretches over a […]

DC’s Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, […]

Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia […]

You may have seen the cover of this morning’s Examiner while you were ignoring it and picking up Express instead. The news is very shocking. The Caps took 50+ shots on that friggin’ Montreal team, but only one goal? Jesus Christ…

DU PONT PLASTIC LOBBY IS FURIOUS!  4:26 pm March 29, 2010

by Jim Newell

PLASTIC BAG TAX IS INSANELY EFFECTIVE: THIS ONE IS FOR D.C. PEOPLE, as well as behavioral economists, who surely make up the rest of you: our beloved new five-cent plastic bag tax decreased plastic bag usage from 22.5 million to 3.3 million in the first month alone. Washington D.C. is now sparkly clean! We are […]

Did the National Weather Service die while finishing up its latest hilarious Special Weather Statement? CRACK YOUR WINDOWS TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING… WE KNOW THIS… BECAUSE WE DID NOT CRACK OUR WINDOWS… AND ARE NOW DYING. MOVE YOUR FINGERS… LEGS… COME ON OL’ LEG, JUST… MOVE… A LITTLE… MOR… FUCK YOU… CRUEL WORL—– [Weather.com]

It snowed. It snowed a lot. But everyone had plenty of toilet paper and kale, and everyone survived the storm in peace and happiness. Sure, some people’s cars got stuck on hills, and some people got stuck in basement apartments, and the storm pretty much rendered the entire city helpless, but it snowed, and that […]

Eugene Delgaudio is an adult retarded person serving as a supervisor of Loudoun County, a locality he enriches by… going on the radio and the Fox News sometimes to talk about his hatred of the Gays and stuff. Recently in an e-mail, he wrote to supporters that he doesn’t want to give a cross-dresser — […]

Millions of D.C.’s hippest Twitterers coordinated a massive cross-street snowball fight at the major intersection of U & 14th streets NW today, to regale in the fruits of God’s most terrifying thundersnowstorm from Hell. A victory for spontaneous social network organizing! Or not? Because at some point during this apocalyptic spectacle, a frustrated undercover cop […]

WAH WAH WAH  3:33 pm November 12, 2009

by Jim Newell

REAL NICE FOLKS AT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: “The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said Wednesday that it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn’t change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, […]

Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth!

The delights of mid-August in Washington D.C. are innumerable, truly. Now add “America’s most controversial Saul Bellow-enthusiast James Wood,” “Helene Cooper,” and “other things” to this ever-growing list of available pleasantries.

The first cases of completely bathetic and overblown panic have been found identified in Virginia. Sad. [WTOP]

GROSS  2:47 pm April 7, 2009

DC Is Also Gay-Marriagey, Maybe

by Jim Newell

Too bad there are no Gays in Washington D.C. (HEY-O!), because now they can go get gay married in New England or Iowa, come back to Washington D.C., and have that gay marriage legally recognized! (It will be like the Trail of Tears.) Because the D.C. City Council approved a measure “to recognize same-sex marriages […]

Here is an image of the much-anticipated explosion on the Potomac River today that was filmed for some new teevee pilot. It was still confusing to D.C. residents even though they had been alerted beforehand, because why the fuck is a rowboat being blown up? Should be a real winner of a show, although Obama […]