Tag Archives: local

  declare the pennies on your eyes

Don’t Like Getting Boned By State Taxes? Just Be Filthy Rich!

Anti-Fox comments reposted on my Tumbrel account
Here’s something every class warrior on the barricades should know: There isn’t a single state in the entire United States where a poor or middle income person can be assured of paying a lower percent of their income in state and local taxes than a wealthy person. That’s right, comrade! According to a comprehensive study by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy, literally every state in the country has a regressive tax system, thanks to heavy reliance on sales and excise taxes and insufficiently progressive income taxes (or in many cases, no income taxes at all): Read more on Don’t Like Getting Boned By State Taxes? Just Be Filthy Rich!…
  war on piñatas

Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?

Everyone loves a good piñata. You get a baseball bat and go smash, ha ha ha! And then everyone goes home with stuffed pockets of candy and razor blades. The kids love this nonsense. But lo, what has Precinct 4 of Houston done now? A “park policy adopted in Precinct 4, which stretches over a wide swath of the northwestern county, specifically forbids piñatas.” Is this strictly an “anti-littering” issue, or an anti-Mexicans issue? Because we see no scenario in which some jerks might smash piñatas and leave their mess everywhere. Read more on Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?…
  sharing: the end of america

Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing

DC’s Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, your Wonkette author basically hates bikers and runs them over at every opportunity. But it’s hard to deny the success of a successful program that most people like, right? And now we can really confirm the success of this program, because a Washington Times columnist has written a pathetic, desperate screed about how bikesharing is communist, and gay, and the downfall of the West, essentially. Read more on Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing…
  today in rats

DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland

Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia suburbs, killing everyone. Will it? All we can do now is pray that yes, it will. Read more on DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland…
  today in newspapers

Important Local Newspaper: Obama Rallying *Criminals* To Vote?

You may have seen the cover of this morning’s Examiner while you were ignoring it and picking up Express instead. The news is very shocking. The Caps took 50+ shots on that friggin’ Montreal team, but only one goal? Jesus Christ… Read more on Important Local Newspaper: Obama Rallying *Criminals* To Vote?…
  du pont plastic lobby is furious!

PLASTIC BAG TAX IS INSANELY EFFECTIVE: THIS ONE IS FOR D.C. PEOPLE, as well as behavioral economists, who surely make up the rest of you: our beloved new five-cent plastic bag tax decreased plastic bag usage from 22.5 million to 3.3 million in the first month alone. Washington D.C. is now sparkly clean! We are so insane about taxes in this country. FIVE CENTS! Whatever. Some of us need to clean litter boxes and will continue to pollute like the dickens. [Washington Post] Read more on …
  wonkette weather desk

National Weather Service: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… NOW!!!

Did the National Weather Service die while finishing up its latest hilarious Special Weather Statement? CRACK YOUR WINDOWS TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING… WE KNOW THIS… BECAUSE WE DID NOT CRACK OUR WINDOWS… AND ARE NOW DYING. MOVE YOUR FINGERS… LEGS… COME ON OL’ LEG, JUST… MOVE… A LITTLE… MOR… FUCK YOU… CRUEL WORL—– [Weather.com] Read more on National Weather Service: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… NOW!!!…
  snowpocalypse ii: pirates of the caribbean

Your Obligatory Photos From The Snowpocalypse

It snowed. It snowed a lot. But everyone had plenty of toilet paper and kale, and everyone survived the storm in peace and happiness. Sure, some people’s cars got stuck on hills, and some people got stuck in basement apartments, and the storm pretty much rendered the entire city helpless, but it snowed, and that was fun. Read more on Your Obligatory Photos From The Snowpocalypse…
  paths of freakiness

Loudoun County’s Great Anti-Gay Crusader Meant Nothing With His Hilarious Slurs

Eugene Delgaudio is an adult retarded person serving as a supervisor of Loudoun County, a locality he enriches by… going on the radio and the Fox News sometimes to talk about his hatred of the Gays and stuff. Recently in an e-mail, he wrote to supporters that he doesn’t want to give a cross-dresser — “It” — the same rights “as a normal person.” He also refers to them as “cross-dressing freaks.” Not that these are the most offensive statements we’ll even read in, say, the next hour or two, probably, but you should enjoy watching Delgaudio try to explain how these statements are the opposite of what they clearly are. [NBC Washington via Equality Loudoun] Read more on Loudoun County’s Great Anti-Gay Crusader Meant Nothing With His Hilarious Slurs…
  not cool bro

Twitter Snowball Fight Angers Armed Cop

Millions of D.C.’s hippest Twitterers coordinated a massive cross-street snowball fight at the major intersection of U & 14th streets NW today, to regale in the fruits of God’s most terrifying thundersnowstorm from Hell. A victory for spontaneous social network organizing! Or not? Because at some point during this apocalyptic spectacle, a frustrated undercover cop was trying to navigate his car down the barely plowed U Street, only to reach the masses of unhinged Twitter Snowballers. This didn’t make his drive any easier. And then a few of them pegged his car with snowballs, leading to the worst massacre in human history. Read more on Twitter Snowball Fight Angers Armed Cop…
  wah wah wah

REAL NICE FOLKS AT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: “The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said Wednesday that it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn’t change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.” Time for Bart Stupak to write another amendment under Home Rule, this one sending all local homosexuals to Oklahoma. [WP] Read more on …
  dinguses

The Washington Football Team And Its Lawyers Are So Mean!

Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth! Read more on The Washington Football Team And Its Lawyers Are So Mean!…
  wrapped up in books

Hey D.C.: Books Have 0% Humidity

The delights of mid-August in Washington D.C. are innumerable, truly. Now add “America’s most controversial Saul Bellow-enthusiast James Wood,” “Helene Cooper,” and “other things” to this ever-growing list of available pleasantries. Read more on Hey D.C.: Books Have 0% Humidity…
  gross

DC Is Also Gay-Marriagey, Maybe

Too bad there are no Gays in Washington D.C. (HEY-O!), because now they can go get gay married in New England or Iowa, come back to Washington D.C., and have that gay marriage legally recognized! (It will be like the Trail of Tears.) Because the D.C. City Council approved a measure “to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states.” Gay joint tax returns? COUNT IT. On the other hand this may go nowhere since Congress approves all D.C. legislation under our system of black chattel slavery. [Washington Post] Read more on DC Is Also Gay-Marriagey, Maybe…
  ...why?

Terrifying Teevee Fireball Confuses City

Here is an image of the much-anticipated explosion on the Potomac River today that was filmed for some new teevee pilot. It was still confusing to D.C. residents even though they had been alerted beforehand, because why the fuck is a rowboat being blown up? Should be a real winner of a show, although Obama will probably just preempt it every night to read more lies off of his Tellyprompter. [Flickr] Read more on Terrifying Teevee Fireball Confuses City…