Tag: local

Anti-Fox comments reposted on my Tumbrel account

Don’t Like Getting Boned By State Taxes? Just Be Filthy Rich!

Here's something every class warrior on the barricades should know: There isn't a single state in the entire United States where a poor or middle income person can be assured of paying a lower percent of their income in...

Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?

Everyone loves a good piñata. You get a baseball bat and go smash, ha ha ha! And then everyone goes home with stuffed pockets of candy and razor blades. The kids love this nonsense. But lo, what has Precinct...

Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing

DC's Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading...

DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland

Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia's attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal...

Important Local Newspaper: Obama Rallying *Criminals* To Vote?

You may have seen the cover of this morning's Examiner while you were ignoring it and picking up Express instead. The news is very shocking. The Caps took 50+ shots on that friggin' Montreal team, but only one goal?...

PLASTIC BAG TAX IS INSANELY EFFECTIVE: THIS ONE IS FOR D.C. PEOPLE, as well as behavioral economists, who surely make up the rest of you: our beloved new five-cent plastic bag tax decreased plastic bag usage from 22.5 million...

National Weather Service: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… NOW!!!

Did the National Weather Service die while finishing up its latest hilarious Special Weather Statement? CRACK YOUR WINDOWS TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING... WE KNOW THIS... BECAUSE WE DID NOT CRACK OUR WINDOWS... AND ARE NOW DYING. MOVE YOUR...

Your Obligatory Photos From The Snowpocalypse

It snowed. It snowed a lot. But everyone had plenty of toilet paper and kale, and everyone survived the storm in peace and happiness. Sure, some people's cars got stuck on hills, and some people got stuck in basement...

Loudoun County’s Great Anti-Gay Crusader Meant Nothing With His Hilarious Slurs

Eugene Delgaudio is an adult retarded person serving as a supervisor of Loudoun County, a locality he enriches by... going on the radio and the Fox News sometimes to talk about his hatred of the Gays and stuff. Recently...

Twitter Snowball Fight Angers Armed Cop

Millions of D.C.'s hippest Twitterers coordinated a massive cross-street snowball fight at the major intersection of U & 14th streets NW today, to regale in the fruits of God's most terrifying thundersnowstorm from Hell. A victory for spontaneous social...

REAL NICE FOLKS AT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: "The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said Wednesday that it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage...

The Washington Football Team And Its Lawyers Are So Mean!

Sorry but this might be a "LOCALS ONLY" post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in...

Hey D.C.: Books Have 0% Humidity

The delights of mid-August in Washington D.C. are innumerable, truly. Now add "America's most controversial Saul Bellow-enthusiast James Wood," "Helene Cooper," and "other things" to this ever-growing list of available pleasantries. Monday, August 10 New York Times lady Helene...

Beltway Boys, We Hardly Know Ye

The first cases of completely bathetic and overblown panic have been found identified in Virginia. Sad. To anyone that thinks panda bears have it so easy: today is colonoscopy day for Tai Shan, who lives at the zoo. Taxicab...

DC Is Also Gay-Marriagey, Maybe

Too bad there are no Gays in Washington D.C. (HEY-O!), because now they can go get gay married in New England or Iowa, come back to Washington D.C., and have that gay marriage legally recognized! (It will be like...

Terrifying Teevee Fireball Confuses City

Here is an image of the much-anticipated explosion on the Potomac River today that was filmed for some new teevee pilot. It was still confusing to D.C. residents even though they had been alerted beforehand, because why the fuck...