Tag Archives: lobbyists

  Every time a bell rings an investment banker gets his own Lear Jet

Bank Lobbyists Pretending They’re A Bunch Of George Baileys LOL

Too small town to fail?
Did you grow up in a small town where you knew all your local merchants as friends and neighbors, including the nice people down at the local bank? Didja? Ah, precious It’s a Wonderful Life-type water color memories. Read more on Bank Lobbyists Pretending They’re A Bunch Of George Baileys LOL…
  luntz it up

Lobbyists’ Lobby To Drop ‘Lobbyist’ From Its Name, In Best Rebranding Since ‘Xe’

A group that advocates for K Street — the lobbyist lobby, pretty much — will change its name to remove the word “lobbyist,” The Hill reports: The board of the American League of Lobbyists (ALL) announced Tuesday it has recommended to members that the group change its name to the Association of Government Relations Professionals. The group says the board “overwhelmingly” backed the name change as a way to more accurately “represent the range of associated professions involved in the government affairs, lobbying and public affairs community.” Because while “lobbyist” sounds kind of sleazy, “government relations professional” sounds like it’s nearly invisible, which is obviously the goal. Yr Wonkette will only support the change if the new AGRP is pronounced appropriately, as “A Grope.” Read more on Lobbyists’ Lobby To Drop ‘Lobbyist’ From Its Name, In Best Rebranding Since ‘Xe’…
  elp elp e's being repressed!

Mean Old ‘The Media’ (Wonkette) Is Oppressing Cenk Uygur, Please Send Him Money To Dry His Tears

Well THAT escalated quickly! As you may recall, way back on Wednesday, we ran a brief story on Cenk Uygur’s supposedly shocking audio of D.C. Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton leaving a voicemail message for a lobbyist and asking for money. Brazen! Unbelievable corruption! “Where’s my bribe?” Legalized bribery! We pointed out that the story originally broke in 2010, and that we laughed at it back then. We asked, Does anybody besides Cenk Uygur hear extortion here? We hear maybe a little entitlement? Like, her disbelieving laugh that she hasn’t been offered contributions while her colleagues have? and we made fun of the “robot taco death march” closed captions. WELL! Turns out that Cenk Uygur was NOT PLEASED! Read more on Mean Old ‘The Media’ (Wonkette) Is Oppressing Cenk Uygur, Please Send Him Money To Dry His Tears…
  the jerk store called and it is running out of biden

Mean Jerk Joe Biden Didn’t Send Aide A Thank-You Note Until He Asked, And Other Halloween Tales Of Horror

Sorry, old ladies, but Old Handsome Joe Biden may be old and he may be handsome, but he is NOT the world’s greatest lover of all humanity (especially old ladies) that you think he is! Once, he didn’t even send one of his aides, this swell fellow Jeff Connaughton, a thank-you note for fundraising for him until Connaughton “dropped a hint that he wanted one.” And another time, Connaughton became a lobbyist, and Joe Biden never “lifted a finger” to help the newly minted lobbyist’s clients! There is a whole book what has been wrote on these terrible slights that Mean Jerk Joe Biden did to this incredibly loyal fellow, and Politico has written about it, and we have copy and pasted the “good bits” (the ENRAGING bits!!!) of Joe Biden’s Mean Jerkness. Be prepared to put away your love for Joe Biden as with all other childish things, because you will be shaking your head at the man’s cold ambition and coldness and refusal to help lobbyists. Like, what is the world EVEN COMING TO? Read more on Mean Jerk Joe Biden Didn’t Send Aide A Thank-You Note Until He Asked, And Other Halloween Tales Of Horror…
  sexy parties

Healthcare Lobbyists To Throw Smashing ‘White Trash’ Party

STRATEGIC HEALTH CARE is a noble health care lobbying firm “working at the intersection of health care and government — widely respected for our expertise in congressional and regulatory matters, health policy analysis and solutions, CMS pilots and demos, federal grants development, managed care contracting and association management.” And that’s why it is holding a Capitol Hill “White Trash Reception” on July 19. “Hey y’all – get gussied up in your Sunday jorts, mullets, and fullets and come on down to the White Trash Reception,” this invitation that’s flying around the Hill reads. “Grab some suds and grub with Strategic Health Care!” Read more on Healthcare Lobbyists To Throw Smashing ‘White Trash’ Party…
  ain't no party like a nazi party

Mr. Hitler Goes To Washington

Republicans’ psycho cousin The American Nazi Party (ANP) registered its first lobbyist this week. They grow up so fast! It seems like just yesterday they were destroying the world! John Bowles, das lobbyist, registered Tuesday with House and Senate offices to represent the ANP. Read more on Mr. Hitler Goes To Washington…
  important issues of the day

Mitt Romney’s Modest ‘Manse’ Now Has a Car Elevator, Lobbyist

Mitt Romney’s small cottage in La Jolla is in the process of renovation, and the aggrandizing of this piece of real estate is such an important issue for the future of this nation that there is actually a guy assigned to lobby the house to the San Diego government. How do you lobby a house? Perhaps this involves wearing a button with a picture of the house on it? Carrying a model version of the house to show all the government workers how lovely life can be when you start from, well, something, work hard and “earn” every phone call your father ever made to his friends? Anyway, also, the “manse,” as one Romney campaign person once called it, apparently thinking “manse” is a prissy way of saying “very small castle,” (manse: a large stately house; a mansion, for any teens reading), will also have a car elevator, because many of Romney’s friends are elevator company owners, and his only real friends are cars. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Modest ‘Manse’ Now Has a Car Elevator, Lobbyist…
  my love don't cost a thing unless that thing is a lexus

Lobbyists Try to Weasel Around New DNC Rules Ahead of Convention

The Democratic National Committee last year enforced rules that are attempting make it harder for lobbyists to peddle their interests at this summer’s convention in Charlotte, NC, but the reality is, as long as there are laws, there are ways around, through, over and under them. The rules, part of President Obama’s quest to stop outside influences seeping into that purest font that is politics, completely forbid corporate or lobbyist cash, and cap individual contributions at $100,000. But, well, says some creep who knows about these things, “The Democrats have made it inconvenient for corporations to donate to the convention but not impossible.” Is that because corporations are people?! Read more on Lobbyists Try to Weasel Around New DNC Rules Ahead of Convention…
  why didn't she think of this before

Nancy Pelosi Shamelessly Tries To Cash In On Occupy Wall Street

The Democratic Party is still not entirely sure what to do with this “Occupy Wall Street” stuff beyond allowing for a few cautious statements from one or another “liberal” member of Congress let out of the pen for a few minutes to say something to the effect of “it’s possible people might be somewhat fed up with a few things going on these days, like being poor despite working three jobs, maybe?” while studiously avoiding mention of the influence of Wall Street oligarchs in government or the actual uprising of thousands of angry Americans or the vicious police brutality against them. (Bernie Sanders and Dennis Kucinich are the only real exceptions.) But surely, OWS must be also be “good for something,” politically speaking, besides embarrassing the Democrats into looking like a bunch of establishment ninnies as beholden to the incessant demands of kleptocrats as the Republicans? Nancy Pelosi has an idea about that! It’s “fundraising,” to make sure the DCCC doesn’t miss out on any of the outrage dollars that might flow forth after a recent memo surfaced showing nervous conservatives plotting to discredit OWS leaders. She can’t quite bring herself to actually soil her email plea with the words “Occupy Wall Street,” though, why is that? Read more on Nancy Pelosi Shamelessly Tries To Cash In On Occupy Wall Street…
  revolving door politics

Former Goldman VP Got Sexy Name Change Before Getting Job in Congress

The weird mutants staffing Darrell Issa’s House Oversight Committee are for once being documented mutants: Issa staffer Peter Haller, who mostly scribbles furious letters to government regulators demanding they quit harassing Goldman Sachs with horrible strict rules like, “at least use condoms when you’re screwing everyone,” was also Peter Simonyi who dealt with government regulators as a VP at Goldman Sachs. He is like mutant Superman, for bankers! Or was that X-Men? Or both? That’s some weird sci-fi shit!  Read more on Former Goldman VP Got Sexy Name Change Before Getting Job in Congress…
  government of the bros by the bros and for the bros

Scott Walker Demotes Donor’s DUI Son To Other Position He’s Unqualified For

When it comes to government workers, Scott Walker knows how to hire them. If they agitate about “benefits” and “collective bargaining,” they’re lazy and want to inflict any pain they can on the taxpayers of Wisconsin, and Scott Walker will do anything in his power to try to fire them. But if they’re college-dropout 27-year-olds convicted of two whole drunk driving offenses daddy’s lawyer couldn’t get them out of, they’re prime talent Scott Walker will hire hastily and immediately give a raise. (Of course, it may help if said drunk, Brian Deschane, is the son of a wealthy lobbyist who directed hundreds of thousands of dollars into Walker’s campaign.) But because Walker has other things on his plate, he gave in to pressure over this idiotic hire and demoted Deschane. (Not that the young loser deserves his new job or its $64,728 salary either, mind you. Read more on Scott Walker Demotes Donor’s DUI Son To Other Position He’s Unqualified For…
  koch suck and a reacharound

Scott Walker Pays $81.5K Gov’t Salary to Drunk-Driving Loser Son of Crony

When your corporation needs to take care of some troublesome “environmental and regulatory matters” in Wisconsin, heh heh, just go see the dumb kid who never graduated college but did manage two DUI convictions, because that dumb kid is earning $81,5000 a year as one of Governor Scott Walker’s top-paid people in the administration. But how did this young GOP idiot, Brian Deschane, get such a sweet job suckling on the public teat? Easy! According to the Journal Sentinel’s Daniel Bice, Brian Deschane’s father is “Jerry Deschane, executive vice president and longtime lobbyist for the Madison-based Wisconsin Builders Association, which bet big on Walker during last year’s governor’s race.” Haha, now that’s the kind of contribution that really pays off! Read more on Scott Walker Pays $81.5K Gov’t Salary to Drunk-Driving Loser Son of Crony…
  false equivalency cat

Haley Barbour To Win Presidency By Bragging About Being Lobbyist

Look, the Republican presidential field doesn’t seem like it’s going to be finding any good candidates any time soon. So, yes, Tim Pawlenty will have to run. And, oh God, Haley Barbour? Yes, Haley Barbour. “‘The president of the United States is supposed to be the principal advocate for American policy and interests in the world,’ he said. ‘That form of advocacy is equivalent to lobbying.'” Ah, so when you see a lobbyist on the streets of Washington stomping on a rat and chewing its face off, that’s the president of the United States you’re looking at, so show some respect. Same thing, by definition! We are all crooks and none of us are crooks. Read more on Haley Barbour To Win Presidency By Bragging About Being Lobbyist…
  letters to the editor

Louisiana: Wikipedia Pages Prank; Lobbyist: Wonkette Has No Ethics

Tuesday, while your Wonkette was working to bring the world “important” hilarious news about the pathetic Sarah Palin “Lou Sarah” account, we also threw up an account of somebody visiting the Louisiana Capitol building and finding a statue of the state’s first governor accompanied by a framed print-out of the governor’s Wikipedia entry. Apparently this became an issue in that state that is best known for hurricanes hating it and for its current governor hating volcano safety, because we had a lot of Louisianans visiting this site to leave us angry comments. Now, after an investigation, the state House of Representatives says somebody broke into the thing next to the statue, pulled out the original biography, and stuck in the two Wikipedia pages. And some random Louisiana lobbyist is giving us a lecture about ethics because we didn’t fly to Louisiana with our pal Encyclopedia Brown and investigate the matter ourselves. Read more on Louisiana: Wikipedia Pages Prank; Lobbyist: Wonkette Has No Ethics…
  laughable

White House Press Secretary: It’s ‘Routine’ For White House To Meet With Lobbyists

Yesterday, a great way to start the new job: The White House meets with all kinds of people all the time! It probably meets with David Koch impersonators! You can probably even walk in there with your dick hanging out and the president will still talk to you! Read more on White House Press Secretary: It’s ‘Routine’ For White House To Meet With Lobbyists…
  anti-lobbyist racism

Yeah, Clarence Thomas’ Wife Is a Lobbyist

Ginni Thomas may have been forced to resign her duties as Washington Teabag Queen because she was drunk-dialing Anita Hill all the time, but that doesn’t mean she can’t make a living! (Clarence Thomas doesn’t report her living on his tax forms, by the way, even though the law says he has to. But let’s see the Supreme Court uphold that conviction.) This news has made some people upset because, uh, this Supreme Court justice’s wife is a lobbyist, for God’s sake. But it wasn’t like it was ever in question the way Clarence Thomas would vote on the things she’s advocating. It’s just that she officially gets to tell people she can deliver them a vote on the Supreme Court, if necessary, by threatening to deny her husband access to delicious cookies. Read more on Yeah, Clarence Thomas’ Wife Is a Lobbyist…
  boehner bonings

NATIONAL ENQUIRER SHOCKER: Enquirer Thinks Boehner Is ‘Handsome’

Someone is still trying to create a John Boehner affair rumor. This began in September, you will remember, when the New York Post cited some DailyKos person saying such a rumor existed as evidence that such a rumor existed. The Post said the Times was working on an “expose” of this affair, and was “looking for the right time to drop the story in October to sway the election.” Apparently they never discovered this elusive “right time,” because such a story was never printed, and now the Post has, as we predicted, completely shut down forever out of sheer embarrassment that they printed something that was incorrect. Which brings us to the National Enquirer, which now says Boehner has had two affairs. But here’s the big shocker: It refers to Boehner as “the ruggedly handsome congressman.” Gross. Read more on NATIONAL ENQUIRER SHOCKER: Enquirer Thinks Boehner Is ‘Handsome’…
  task the lobbyist

Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint

Jack Abramoff has finished his six-month stint working at Tov Pizza, “a modest kosher pizzeria in a heavily Jewish section of northwest Baltimore” — a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. So yes, if you purchased a pizza from this place recently, you probably shouldn’t have been charged $7.4 million in various “handling,” “effort,” “anti-pizza-poison” fees. Also, if you caught him in a suite at a Ravens game with his arm around a pepperoni, he should not have been doing that. What he should have been doing is screaming at a teenager, in a kosher manner, to put more cheese on the dough before he passes it to him to put in the oven. Read more on Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint…
  premature loads

Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile

The Post ran a profile piece about John Boehner today, because pretty soon he will be third in line to the presidency. That would be fine, but they totally wasted all their good boner puns before he even became Speaker. C’mon, Post! You don’t have to make the title a pun. “The rise, fall and rise of John Boehner”? That sort of thing should be saved for his inevitable first admission of an affair with a lobbyist. And then there’s this: “Just before Thanksgiving 1998, John A. Boehner hit bottom. The Ohio congressman, once a comer in the Republican Party, was unceremoniously removed from his post in the House leadership.” “Bottom”? You’re really reaching for a gay thing there, Post. And just throwing “comer” in there too? It’s the second sentence, for crying out loud. The rest of the article is about Boehner crying and about how nothing will get passed in Congress once the GOP takes over the House, so they should have realized Boehner puns should be saved up to be used in the next year or so, when there will be no Congressional news at all. Read more on Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile…
  like like like

Jack Abramoff Will Friend You On Facebook

First your grandparents joined it. Now this guy. That place is horrible. Abramoff lists three “likes and interests,” one being himself, “Jack Abramoff.” The other two are “Zvi Gluck and Jewish Community Hero,” a fan page for a Queens, N.Y., man who is a semifinalist in a competition hosted by the Jewish Federations of North America; and “Ben Van Hook Pictures,” apparently the company of a director and photographer working out of Orlando, Fla. Read more on Jack Abramoff Will Friend You On Facebook…
  things that may unleash great puns

Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor. The New York Post got to the bottom of this thing: It’s a liberal blogger/media conspiracy to take down Boehner. “‘Catching Boehner with a mistress is the only way to destroy him politically before the election,’ a source said.” Oh yes, that Boehner is rock hard! Nothing can defeat it except an affair, as it is a very good leader. So who exactly is going to take down Boehner? That evil Jew York Times, of course. Read more on Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist…
  open up the lockbox of tom delay's hopes and dreams

Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws? Read more on Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?…