Tag Archives: lns

 

Hill Staffers Bravely Debate Which Party Is Uglier

Today on The Capitolist — the new anonymous message board only accessible through official congressional computers — we learn what Hill staffers think about beauty and politics: * I’m just saying that for the most part, Democrats tend to be uglier or ugly people tend to identify more with Democrats. (Classic chicken-egg scenario). Probably because ugly people are usually always pissed off and spiteful of people who are successful and attractive and thus try to destroy them by taxing them to death. They can then define themselves as successful, even though they haven’t done anything worthwhile in their pitiful existence except harp about how much America sucks. And of course they then have even less fortunate people – who they keep in a state of perpetual helplessness – gullibly tell them they are heroes. Ugly heroes, but at least that’s better than nothing. How true! Come read some more of what makes America so great retarded, after the jump. Read more on Hill Staffers Bravely Debate Which Party Is Uglier…
 

Great Schism of ’07: Late Night Shots Locks Undesirables In Open Forum

Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — has been such a success that its leaders are forced to divide the LNS crowd between the super-white cretins and the lesser lights of binge-drinking takedown-impregnating conservative youth forced to live amongst the minorities of DC before going back to San Diego and becoming a defense lobbyist. Yes, there is a Great Schism. The invitation-only special forum will be seductively open for everyone to read, but only the upper crust will be able to opine on Muslims, morning-after pills and the “Ethiopians” who scurry about Adams Morgan. Everybody else is stuck in the “B Forum.” Read the memo, after the jump. Read more on Great Schism of ’07: Late Night Shots Locks Undesirables In Open Forum…
 

To Do: “I Need Him Like the Axe Needs the Turkey.”

* LNS Valentine’s Day party at Smith Point. BYODeep-set shame. [why.i.hate.dc] * Love Sux Party at Wonderland. No Jimmy Eat World allowed. [Brightest Young Things] * America’s receptacle, the Smithsonian, celebrates Valentine’s Day with David Anthony Durham’s Pride of Carthage, a “sweeping saga of Hannibal’s war against the Roman Empire.” $25 at 6:30PM. [Smithsonian] * The Lady Eve at AFI. $9.25 at 7PM. [AFI] Read more on To Do: “I Need Him Like the Axe Needs the Turkey.”…
 

Chugging Wine Behind the Gas Station: Young GOP’ers In Love

Please, DC cabbies, install little video cameras and send us the footage! Shared a cab…refused to give you my number…. – w4mReply to: pers-274090894@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-02-05, 10:50PM EST So we shared a cab ride back to Rossyln…stopped at a gas station…drank a bottle of wine….I was wasted you were so nice….I feel sooo bad….and I didn’t give you my number…but your really cute….and this is really gay….so I hope you respond :)Location: Smithpoint This is actually the complete opposite of “gay,” but what do you expect from Smith Point regulars? Read more on Chugging Wine Behind the Gas Station: Young GOP’ers In Love…
 

Metro Section: Cumbuckets!

* Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence M. Small earned $884,733 in 2006. [City Desk] * In case you are too clean and wealthy and scheduled and lucky to take the Metro, there was a fire at Farragut North today. [Read Express] * Best karaoke spots in DC. [The DC Concierge] * “It borders on criminal that no one in District government is making the case that some of this money [$1.4 billion surplus] should be returned to DC taxpayers.” [Cut DC Taxes] * The Washington monument is pretty, after all. [Blue Coyote Laughing] * Some guys on LNS “see college women as little more than cumbuckets. A warm place to put their dicks. And if they’re wearing a low cut shirt at a frat party, it’s not like they’re going to mind, right?” [why.i.hate.dc] Read more on Metro Section: Cumbuckets!…
 

Late Night Shots’ Final Solution(s) To ‘Muslim Problem’

When they’re not accidentally impregnating Tuesday-night Takedowns or vomiting on their own shoes, the members of Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — are busy solving the world’s many problems. After all, they will be lobbyists some day! One problem recently featured in the news is the problem of Muslims. Why so many kinds of Muslims? And why does it seem we are always invading their countries and killing them? How did some get over here, in Jesusland? We’ll explore the many interesting policy positions from the LNS community, after the jump. But first, an appetizer: * “It would be easy to just nuke these nuts, but they are spread out over everywhere in different cells and are very crafty. We have seen what they can do around the world…history (the crusades) will show us that Muslims will not back down until they achieve domination…we basically need to string all these whack nuts up and make them Extinct…then we could go back to a peaceful world. Don’t give me what about the Muslims that are good Citizens, you can’t trust these people especially when they groom there children to be killers. I mean look at 24…” Read more on Late Night Shots’ Final Solution(s) To ‘Muslim Problem’…
 

‘Aggressively Humping Me … Raping My Cell Phone’

Secret agent & Wonkette intern Lauren sends this quickie from the Late Night Shots forum, because she loves you people: “First date was this past weekend. After dinner and drinks he walks me to my car and kisses me bye. Wowza…it was the kind that leaves you wanting more, but I closed the door like a good girl should and went home. Last night, he invites me to come over and watch a movie. I head over around 9ish. We start a movie and after 10 minutes he starts kissing me. Again, pretty awesome. BUT he starts getting into it more quickly than foreplay normally progresses. The kiss quickly gets uncomfortable as he starts grinding on my leg. Keep in mind I am still sitting up at this point, so he’s side humping me. I begin to pull away and he burries his head in my shoulder and starts aggressively humping me! I have no idea what to do, so I just continue to watch the movie over his shoulder. Finally, he got frustrated and quit. I laughed at him and went home completely turned off. Now, he is raping my cell phone and keeps asking when he’s going to see me again. Someone please explain what the hell just happened to me! hahaha Who seriously does THAT!?” Read more on ‘Aggressively Humping Me … Raping My Cell Phone’…
 

SMITH POINT BURNS; LNS BLAMES WONKETTE

Beloved capitool bar Smith Point is on fire! DCFD is on the scene! Late Night Shots people are blaming, obviously, this website! Here are some comments: * its def. on fire and DCFD is on the scene… * I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. IS SP OKAY? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GO STAND OUTSIDE AND GIVE UPDATES. * I totally left my gf passed out in there. Shit, I hope she’s ok, or dead. I don’t really want to have to date her if she’s covered in burns or shit. Plus I could use that $500 a week I give her for Brutini loafers and ‘skiing’ * that bitch wonkette burned it down. or those two gay dudes that run it now. i’d call them what they are but i dont want to lose my job on grey’s anatomy. Read more on SMITH POINT BURNS; LNS BLAMES WONKETTE…
 

A Very Special Late Night Shots Critique of Jim Webb

It’s not all under-skirt-finger-bangs and young adult men living off mommy’s money. Sometimes, Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — also explores the political establishment which employs them. What do Washington’s best & whitest think about new Virginia Senator Jim Webb? He should go live in Russia, obviously! But a lot of LNSers actually respect Webb. What the hell is going on? Come read the forum goodness, after the jump. Read more on A Very Special Late Night Shots Critique of Jim Webb…
 

Metro Section: The Big Shit on the Block

* Shooting at 6th and N NW. [Life in Mount Vernon Square/ * Jessica Cutler is maybe in a T-Mobile ad. [Read Express and DCist] * E.L Doctorow read at the Folger on Friday night, local blogger calls him “gimmicky.” [A Portable Snack] * Chris Matthews is the big shit on the block. [Fishbowl DC] * According to LNS forums, there’s a secret club at 9th and N NW; “the convention center hood is the new black.” [
 

23-Year-Old Unemployed Hill Tool a Real Gift To White House

There are plenty of laughs in this National Journal article about the thousands of unemployed Republican staffers now begging for Bush Administration jobs, but our favorite is this part — which proves the GOP knew all along that the midterms would be a bloodbath: The White House has told GOP lawmakers and their staffs that it froze many political slots throughout the government before Election Day just so the administration could be ready to absorb furloughed Republicans. “They were prepared,” said one senior House leadership aide, who asked not to be named. And don’t miss the charming tale of the 23-year-old Capitool with all of nine months on the job before his MoC was defeated. We’ve collected a few gems from this turbo, after the jump. Read more on 23-Year-Old Unemployed Hill Tool a Real Gift To White House…
 

Wonkette Party Crash: A Very Chamber of Commerce Christmas

Last Thursday, we crashed one of the biggest, drunkest annual get-togethers of the exhausting holiday party scene — the Chamber of Commerce party. Our report is after the jump, and Liz Gorman, Intrepid Girl Reporter’s gallery is available here. Chamber Party Gallery Read more on Wonkette Party Crash: A Very Chamber of Commerce Christmas…
 

Only You Can Prevent LNS Kids From Procreating

In an obvious attempt to steal Meth Day’s thunder, today is World AIDS Day. Yay for AIDS! The recent problems with condom procurement and usage we’ve reported make it all too clear that DC needs a lot more of these “Condom Safe Sites” so LNS kids aren’t wasting time looking for a CVS when they could be having terrible sex and then vomiting on each other. Read more on Only You Can Prevent LNS Kids From Procreating…