Tag Archives: liveblogs

  sink your teeth into michael bennet's mtn oysters

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II

Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her way to the Republican Senate nomination while Ned Lamont is quickly becoming a sore-loserman for the Democrats’ gubernatorial prize. In Minnesota, Michele Bachmann’s race is uncontested and has been called, but we continue to hold out Hopeyesque hope. In Colorado, results are coming in ROBOT FAST from the mile-high robot voters who cast ballots in the tight races there. SEE, we said “tight.” Click off the porn and get in this thread NOW. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II…
  votepets.org

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)

There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota and Colorado will chop off the hands of people who have not voted at 9 PM (Eastern). And your Wonkette has a laptop filled with Internet to provide you the very latest in random items from candidates’ websites they uploaded months ago. LET’S LIVEBLOG, JESUS FANS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)…
  bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November? Read more on We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom…
  time for cox jokes

Liveblogging the Glorious Primary Time of Middle America, America’s America

Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state bird is the western meadowlark! LET’S DO THIS THING. Crank up the Sufjan Stevens! We have U.S. senate and gubernatorial primaries to make little jokes about, folks. Read more on Liveblogging the Glorious Primary Time of Middle America, America’s America…
  establishment lost

Still Liveblogging Arlen Specter And Joe Sestak’s ‘Lost’ Battle, And The Other One Too, Arkansas

Will the Liberty Bell ring thrice for old Arlen Specter, who illegally became a Democrat last year but is still on the loose? Or will Joe Sestak smash Specter’s head in a Dutch Oven and then refuse to clean it? Will this liveblog be over by 9 o’clock so your editor can watch the second-to-last episode of this terrible ABC Island Horror show that he for some reason is still watching? Yes, yes, and yes. Let’s see what folks are saying on the television. Oh great, Mark Halperin on CNN. (Mark Halperin used to have a terrible show on ABC, too, called “The Note.” Now someone else does that!) Read more on Still Liveblogging Arlen Specter And Joe Sestak’s ‘Lost’ Battle, And The Other One Too, Arkansas…
  and now it's over

Liveblogging The Postmortem Debate About President Obama’s Completely Lame SOTU Address

WELL THAT SUCKED, with all the jokes and the clapping! Poop all over that! Let’s see how horribly this went, by finding out what Wolf Blitzer and Chuck Todd and hmm, maybe Brit Hume think? Oh wait Brit Hume is dead, or at least retired, which is a slight to all Americans who won’t be able to retire until they’re 90, after President Obama’s Budget Commission is done eviscerating Social Security. Read more on Liveblogging The Postmortem Debate About President Obama’s Completely Lame SOTU Address…
  reiteratering our commitments

Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU

Are you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, with a fair bit of Twatting. Here are the rules to your 2010 SOTU Drinking Game, which sacrificed plausibility for the sake of humor. Just kidding, it’s plausible. Hope! Read more on Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU…
  the secret 'other' 9/11

Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Super Serious Death Echo!

Barack Obama and people are going to present their report of the underpants bomber, and how funny it was that a guy would do such a thing to his wiener. DON’T LAUGH AT THAT. TERRORISM IS REAL. Supposedly Obama will pretend to take the blame, or responsibility, for not intercepting the plane mid-air from Hawaii. Oy… Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Super Serious Death Echo!…
  kill us

Liveblogging Sarah Palin On Oprah

Anyone else feel sick to your stomach? We’re going to get this over with, and then blow up the blog. [UPDATE: It’s over! The liveblog is completely incoherent, as usual. Pareene also liveblogged it at Gawker. We both quoted Andrew Sullivan at 4:39!] Read more on Liveblogging Sarah Palin On Oprah…
  nerd porn

Yes, Someone Is Actually Liveblogging The Senate Finance Committee Markup

Alec MacGillis of the Washington Post, you are one brave blogger, and a service to the Republic! Yes, the Senate Finance Committee is slowly working its way through 500 amendments and 500,000 opening speeches today on its terrible health care bill. How’s it going? Oh look, Chuck Grassley is being an ass, weird: “He acknowledged that the bill did not include a government-run insurance option, but raised the specter that might yet lie in the future and lead the U.S. in the direction of Europe, where ‘countries have inevitably turned to government imposed rationing to control costs.'” Ha ha, “raised the specter”/”Europe” — this is one sassy markup liveblog, MMHMM. [Washington Post] Read more on Yes, Someone Is Actually Liveblogging The Senate Finance Committee Markup…
  get your dingleberry off my medicare

Liveblogging Obama’s ‘Pubic Option,’ Part III

If there’s a single winner tonight, it’s the photo to your left. The fact that one can type “old-timey doctor” into something called “Google Images” and produce THIS… what a great country. No. What a great Internet. None of this is true. But we digress! Health care speech: Obama started a full 900 million seconds late, so let’s listen to the second and third paragraphs of his speech hmm? (Part I, Part II) Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s ‘Pubic Option,’ Part III…
  get your pants off my medicare

Liveblogging Obama’s Big Mortality Speech To Chamber Of Monsters, Part I

At this actual moment a bunch of congressmen and senators are getting high in their offices before sitting down to listen to this nut, Obama, try to explain yet again why he wants to kill, literally murder with jackknives and poisons and AIDS, the Greatest Generation & babies. Is that any kind of “good” public policy? Doesn’t he know that they do this in Europe, which is stagnant? He loves Europe. Anyway let’s see what the dingbats are saying on cable news, in this very important pre-speech liveblog. Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Big Mortality Speech To Chamber Of Monsters, Part I…
  programming announcements

LIVEBLOG OF THE DEBATE OR WHATEVER, LATER: Mean old Barack Obama is going on Jay Leno or something at 8:00 ET tonight for another primetime press conference. There’ll be loads of questions about god knows what; anything from the future of currency flows to retarded bowling games to that pop star who beat up his pop star girlfriend. Sam Stein will ask why the Republicans aren’t all in jail. Too exciting for words! So return here a few minutes before 8:00 ET for our liveblogs, and don’t forget beforehand to buy all the liquor ‘n’ guns Prince George’s County has to offer. [ABC News] Read more on …
  sociamalism

Liveblogging The Obama Money Press Conference!

Hey it’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday on Thursday, so Barack Obama is giving a commemorative primetime news conference right now! (He would do it on Thursday, but that would preempt Survivor. It’s never too early to ruin one’s reelection chances.) Here’s Ken’s “pre-game blog,” but now let’s see what the man himself has to say. Will he promise us all gold, like Ron Paul did? Read more on Liveblogging The Obama Money Press Conference!…
  what do you want now

Liveblogging George Bush Junior’s Victory Lap To America

Ughh… people have asked for a drinking game for George W. Bush’s farewell address, which this liveblog will “cover” (as in, “maybe watch.”) Well here’s your game. Drink. Drink constantly. Locate alcohol and imbibe as rapidly as possible. YOU MUST DRINK, IT IS GEORGE BUSH JUNIOR COMMANDING RESPECT. SAVE YOURSELF. DRINK SOME ALCOHOL YOU IDIOT. DRINK VINEGAR AT THE VERY LEAST. Read more on Liveblogging George Bush Junior’s Victory Lap To America…
  heroes

Liveblogging Blago’s Latest Drug-Induced Refusal To Quit

.msnbcLinks {font-size:11px; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #999; margin-top: 5px; background: transparent; text-align: center; width: 425px;} .msnbcLinks a {text-decoration:none !important; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999 !important; font-weight:normal !important; height: 13px;} .msnbcLinks a:link, .msnbcLinks a:visited {color: #5799db !important;} .msnbcLinks a:hover, .msnbcLinks a:active {color:#CC0000 !important;} Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Ha, so he’s impeached now. Bad move, state legislature of Illinois! Last time people tried to take away Blago’s powers because of obvious corruption, he made a national mockery of them! Blago will become King of Illinois and head of the Royal Cavalry, in a week. Let’s see how he plays the race card this time. (Thank you for the live feed, liberal MSNBC!) Read more on Liveblogging Blago’s Latest Drug-Induced Refusal To Quit…
  liveblagging

Liveblogging Rod Blagojevich’s Important Address To The World

Narcissistic personality disorder victim and actual clown Rod Blagojevich is about to speak out to the media for the first time, except for the few occasions when he’s told the media to get off his lawn. What will he say? Has he in fact TALKED to Rahm Emanuel, therefore making Emanuel (“The Democrats”) a crook? Eh. We are watching CNN and they have a live stream here for the -4 of you with jobs. Read more on Liveblogging Rod Blagojevich’s Important Address To The World…
  total war

Liveblogging Joey Biden’s Denver Stand-Up Special

Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” HA HA HA, that is what he named it, we imagine. He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Oh wait… he plagiarized that joke entirely from a Bobby Kennedy speech. [Sigh]. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog. Read more on Liveblogging Joey Biden’s Denver Stand-Up Special…
 

Liveblogging Philly’s ‘Ask Obama a Question About Strange Black People’ Forum, Part II

Wowsers, ABC is giving CNN a run for its money in hosting the worst faux-legitimate debate (part 1) this season. But we have yet to hear whether Obama sheds ONE tear or SEVERAL tears when he sees an American Bald Eagle. Does the Bald Eagle love America as much as he does? George & Chuckie will be sure to ask. Read more on Liveblogging Philly’s ‘Ask Obama a Question About Strange Black People’ Forum, Part II…
 

Liveblogging Philadelphia’s Debate From Only Nice Location In Philadelphia!

Hey look everybody, it’s your favorite pals from the Main Stream Media, in Philadelphia. We are here to liveblog Barack and Hillary’s latest friendly debate from the National Constitution Center, where the Constitution was whittled from a single block of wood. It’s true! Ask Ben Franklin, he’s EVERYWHERE in this city. Anyway, what do Barack and Hillary have to say that anyone will care about? Only THE ISSUES! Now let’s grab a bottled water and wave girlishly at Mickey Kaus and liveblog this number. Read more on Liveblogging Philadelphia’s Debate From Only Nice Location In Philadelphia!…
 

Liveblogging Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s Pimping Speech

Ruh roh, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is a master of whores! A Hebrew pimp? A baldilocks whoremonger? A fishmonger dabbling in whores, with a cod piece of cold ethical hypocrisy? O, such country matters. Anyway, just what exactly is this Spitzer doing with these sloppy whores? Let’s liveblog his press conference… Read more on Liveblogging Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s Pimping Speech…
 

Liveblogging Ohio, ‘Mother of Presidents’

This president is William Howard Taft, one of Ohio’s eight presidents and the fattest of them all. Extremely, extremely fat man. Will Mark “Bowser” Penn’s strategy of doing nothing positive for Hillary Clinton give her the state? Usually she loses states, but let’s find out. 7:30 — TOO CLOSE TO CALL in OHIO says KEITH OLBERMANN. Don’t, stop, thinkin’ about tomorrow… Read more on Liveblogging Ohio, ‘Mother of Presidents’…