Tag Archives: liveblogs

  history history history (not really)

Liveblog Part II: May This Boehner Be Long and Earmarks Be Hard On

The members of the House are now supposed to leave the floor so they can escort John Boenher back in, apparently. They will all lock arms but wear rubber sleeves so they don’t get all of his orange tan cream on their clothes, we assume. Isn’t this exciting! We are moments away from having as our House speaker a man who was raised by diapers and was forced to eat his brothers and sisters when there was no food. So he knows what Americans are going through these days. And he knows they do not want to be taxed. Oh Jesus, he literally cannot even walk he is crying so much. Read more on Liveblog Part II: May This Boehner Be Long and Earmarks Be Hard On…
  public urination

Part V: No Country For Old Feingold: Liveblogging the End of Russmocracy

Oh sheesh, did they have to take Feingold? We aren’t upset because the man was a great senator; we are upset because that was Pagels’ seat. It still seems like the Democrats will hold onto the Senate at this, the fifth hour of our long crash into forever-gridlock. Sure, the complete sell-out half of the old McCain-Feingold duo was the one that got elected, but where we seem to be going, that sort of ancient “bipartisanship” thing just seems quaint. The results are still trickling in. We don’t know about Nevada or Illinois or Alaska, which will end in a bloody fistfight on the tundra between all of those candidates tomorrow afternoon, most likely. So what is going on in the final hour before we reach the Teabaggers’ fabled “November 3″? Read more on Part V: No Country For Old Feingold: Liveblogging the End of Russmocracy…
  polls close on teabag hope

The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III

We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the way she died left things open for a sequel. (And more gross Gawker posts.) Marco Rubio is your new Florida Elian Gonzalez, and all it cost was every shred of Charlie Crist’s humanity. In West Virginia, Joe Manchin has shot his lasers PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW at his opponent and will now shoot Barack Obama from his seat in the Senate, with his trusty shotgun, making things closer to impossible for the GOP to win a majority. So if that makes you a bit relieved for democracy, it’s one less shot of tequila to do tonight. Read more on The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III…
  pining for cocktober

Liveblogging the U.S. Economy’s Destruction of the Democratic Party

Tonight the future begins: Change is changing back. For too long, this nation has been PLAGUED by people who want to provide them health care and fix the economy. HEY, DEMOCRATS, WE WANT TO DIE OF HEART ATTACKS AND HAVE OUR ADVANCED SYSTEM OF BARTER DEVOLVE BACK INTO HUNTING AND GATHERING, THANK YOU. Democrats didn’t get this message, and the Teabaggers emerged from cashing their Social Secuirty checks at The Scooter Store to tell them they don’t like government action when it’s put in motion by black people. It has been a long two years of Republicans refusing to let government happen and the Democratic Party giving into their fear of voters hating them. And guess what? Voters probably hate them anyway, based on what everyone thinks will happen tonight. So grab a drink and thank democracy as the stubborn American economy removes what filibuster-proof power Democrats did have and leads into a new era of mixed-party deadlock. Read more on Liveblogging the U.S. Economy’s Destruction of the Democratic Party…
  the walls are thin upstairs

Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate

Did Tolkien ever depict a Senate debate in any of those Lord of the Rings books? Probably not, right? Because every character is too busy being Catholic and feminist? Yeah. So there is literally nothing to guide Christine O’Donnell in her big debate tonight. That’s okay, because she’s you, and you generally spend this time of night masturbating. So that’s what you have to look forward to tonight, Christine diving right into her “pudding cup.” All the good parts may not be shown, though, because CNN will likely be cutting to each and every miner coming out of that mine in Chile, as if one of them is suddenly going to come out of that tube with Justin Bieber. BORING. Anyway, a debate! Debates are fun! Let’s do this! Read more on Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate…
  a pledge to america

Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That

This should be entertaining: Christine O’Donnell is debating her opponent Chris Coons tonight on national teevee. Why does Chris Coons see the need to debate her? He doesn’t. He just knows that his poll numbers get better every time she opens her mouth. Speaking of her opening her mouth, will Christine O’Donnell be asked questions about the new revelations that she is quite the moaner? Will she demonstrate this for the electorate? Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That…
  Come on Bachmann You Go Girl

Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III

Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen “Love Handels” Handel. Some election competitions in Colorado are still up in the air, too. And maybe some other races are still undecided? Let’s go look for some more RESULTS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III…
  sink your teeth into michael bennet's mtn oysters

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II

Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her way to the Republican Senate nomination while Ned Lamont is quickly becoming a sore-loserman for the Democrats’ gubernatorial prize. In Minnesota, Michele Bachmann’s race is uncontested and has been called, but we continue to hold out Hopeyesque hope. In Colorado, results are coming in ROBOT FAST from the mile-high robot voters who cast ballots in the tight races there. SEE, we said “tight.” Click off the porn and get in this thread NOW. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II…
  votepets.org

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)

There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota and Colorado will chop off the hands of people who have not voted at 9 PM (Eastern). And your Wonkette has a laptop filled with Internet to provide you the very latest in random items from candidates’ websites they uploaded months ago. LET’S LIVEBLOG, JESUS FANS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)…
  bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November? Read more on We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom…
  time for cox jokes

Liveblogging the Glorious Primary Time of Middle America, America’s America

Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state bird is the western meadowlark! LET’S DO THIS THING. Crank up the Sufjan Stevens! We have U.S. senate and gubernatorial primaries to make little jokes about, folks. Read more on Liveblogging the Glorious Primary Time of Middle America, America’s America…
  establishment lost

Still Liveblogging Arlen Specter And Joe Sestak’s ‘Lost’ Battle, And The Other One Too, Arkansas

Will the Liberty Bell ring thrice for old Arlen Specter, who illegally became a Democrat last year but is still on the loose? Or will Joe Sestak smash Specter’s head in a Dutch Oven and then refuse to clean it? Will this liveblog be over by 9 o’clock so your editor can watch the second-to-last episode of this terrible ABC Island Horror show that he for some reason is still watching? Yes, yes, and yes. Let’s see what folks are saying on the television. Oh great, Mark Halperin on CNN. (Mark Halperin used to have a terrible show on ABC, too, called “The Note.” Now someone else does that!) Read more on Still Liveblogging Arlen Specter And Joe Sestak’s ‘Lost’ Battle, And The Other One Too, Arkansas…
  and now it's over

Liveblogging The Postmortem Debate About President Obama’s Completely Lame SOTU Address

WELL THAT SUCKED, with all the jokes and the clapping! Poop all over that! Let’s see how horribly this went, by finding out what Wolf Blitzer and Chuck Todd and hmm, maybe Brit Hume think? Oh wait Brit Hume is dead, or at least retired, which is a slight to all Americans who won’t be able to retire until they’re 90, after President Obama’s Budget Commission is done eviscerating Social Security. Read more on Liveblogging The Postmortem Debate About President Obama’s Completely Lame SOTU Address…
  reiteratering our commitments

Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU

Are you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, with a fair bit of Twatting. Here are the rules to your 2010 SOTU Drinking Game, which sacrificed plausibility for the sake of humor. Just kidding, it’s plausible. Hope! Read more on Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU…
  the secret 'other' 9/11

Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Super Serious Death Echo!

Barack Obama and people are going to present their report of the underpants bomber, and how funny it was that a guy would do such a thing to his wiener. DON’T LAUGH AT THAT. TERRORISM IS REAL. Supposedly Obama will pretend to take the blame, or responsibility, for not intercepting the plane mid-air from Hawaii. Oy… Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Super Serious Death Echo!…
  kill us

Liveblogging Sarah Palin On Oprah

Anyone else feel sick to your stomach? We’re going to get this over with, and then blow up the blog. [UPDATE: It’s over! The liveblog is completely incoherent, as usual. Pareene also liveblogged it at Gawker. We both quoted Andrew Sullivan at 4:39!] Read more on Liveblogging Sarah Palin On Oprah…