liveblogs

The members of the House are now supposed to leave the floor so they can escort John Boenher back in, apparently. They will all lock arms but wear rubber sleeves so they don’t get all of his orange tan cream on their clothes, we assume. Isn’t this exciting! We are moments away from having as […]

Oh sheesh, did they have to take Feingold? We aren’t upset because the man was a great senator; we are upset because that was Pagels’ seat. It still seems like the Democrats will hold onto the Senate at this, the fifth hour of our long crash into forever-gridlock. Sure, the complete sell-out half of the […]

We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the […]

Tonight the future begins: Change is changing back. For too long, this nation has been PLAGUED by people who want to provide them health care and fix the economy. HEY, DEMOCRATS, WE WANT TO DIE OF HEART ATTACKS AND HAVE OUR ADVANCED SYSTEM OF BARTER DEVOLVE BACK INTO HUNTING AND GATHERING, THANK YOU. Democrats didn’t […]

Did Tolkien ever depict a Senate debate in any of those Lord of the Rings books? Probably not, right? Because every character is too busy being Catholic and feminist? Yeah. So there is literally nothing to guide Christine O’Donnell in her big debate tonight. That’s okay, because she’s you, and you generally spend this time […]

This should be entertaining: Christine O’Donnell is debating her opponent Chris Coons tonight on national teevee. Why does Chris Coons see the need to debate her? He doesn’t. He just knows that his poll numbers get better every time she opens her mouth. Speaking of her opening her mouth, will Christine O’Donnell be asked questions […]

Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen […]

Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her […]

There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota […]

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew […]

Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state […]

Will the Liberty Bell ring thrice for old Arlen Specter, who illegally became a Democrat last year but is still on the loose? Or will Joe Sestak smash Specter’s head in a Dutch Oven and then refuse to clean it? Will this liveblog be over by 9 o’clock so your editor can watch the second-to-last […]

WELL THAT SUCKED, with all the jokes and the clapping! Poop all over that! Let’s see how horribly this went, by finding out what Wolf Blitzer and Chuck Todd and hmm, maybe Brit Hume think? Oh wait Brit Hume is dead, or at least retired, which is a slight to all Americans who won’t be […]

Are you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, […]

Barack Obama and people are going to present their report of the underpants bomber, and how funny it was that a guy would do such a thing to his wiener. DON’T LAUGH AT THAT. TERRORISM IS REAL. Supposedly Obama will pretend to take the blame, or responsibility, for not intercepting the plane mid-air from Hawaii. […]