Alec MacGillis of the Washington Post, you are one brave blogger, and a service to the Republic! Yes, the Senate Finance Committee is slowly working its way through 500 amendments and 500,000 opening speeches today on its terrible health care bill. How’s it going? Oh look, Chuck Grassley is being an ass, weird: “He acknowledged that the bill did not include a government-run insurance option, but raised the specter that might yet lie in the future and lead the U.S. in the direction of Europe, where ‘countries have inevitably turned to government imposed rationing to control costs.’” Ha ha, “raised the specter”/”Europe” — this is one sassy markup liveblog, MMHMM. [Washington Post]

If there’s a single winner tonight, it’s the photo to your left. The fact that one can type “old-timey doctor” into something called “Google Images” and produce THIS… what a great country. No. What a great Internet. None of this is true. But we digress! Health care speech: Obama started a full 900 million seconds late, so let’s listen to the second and third paragraphs of his speech hmm? (Part I, Part II) MORE »

At this actual moment a bunch of congressmen and senators are getting high in their offices before sitting down to listen to this nut, Obama, try to explain yet again why he wants to kill, literally murder with jackknives and poisons and AIDS, the Greatest Generation & babies. Is that any kind of “good” public policy? Doesn’t he know that they do this in Europe, which is stagnant? He loves Europe. Anyway let’s see what the dingbats are saying on cable news, in this very important pre-speech liveblog. MORE »

LIVEBLOG OF THE DEBATE OR WHATEVER, LATER: Mean old Barack Obama is going on Jay Leno or something at 8:00 ET tonight for another primetime press conference. There’ll be loads of questions about god knows what; anything from the future of currency flows to retarded bowling games to that pop star who beat up his pop star girlfriend. Sam Stein will ask why the Republicans aren’t all in jail. Too exciting for words! So return here a few minutes before 8:00 ET for our liveblogs, and don’t forget beforehand to buy all the liquor ‘n’ guns Prince George’s County has to offer. [ABC News]

Hey it’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday on Thursday, so Barack Obama is giving a commemorative primetime news conference right now! (He would do it on Thursday, but that would preempt Survivor. It’s never too early to ruin one’s reelection chances.) Here’s Ken’s “pre-game blog,” but now let’s see what the man himself has to say. Will he promise us all gold, like Ron Paul did? MORE »

Ughh… people have asked for a drinking game for George W. Bush’s farewell address, which this liveblog will “cover” (as in, “maybe watch.”) Well here’s your game. Drink. Drink constantly. Locate alcohol and imbibe as rapidly as possible. YOU MUST DRINK, IT IS GEORGE BUSH JUNIOR COMMANDING RESPECT. SAVE YOURSELF. DRINK SOME ALCOHOL YOU IDIOT. DRINK VINEGAR AT THE VERY LEAST. MORE »

Ha, so he’s impeached now. Bad move, state legislature of Illinois! Last time people tried to take away Blago’s powers because of obvious corruption, he made a national mockery of them! Blago will become King of Illinois and head of the Royal Cavalry, in a week. Let’s see how he plays the race card this time. (Thank you for the live feed, liberal MSNBC!) MORE »

Narcissistic personality disorder victim and actual clown Rod Blagojevich is about to speak out to the media for the first time, except for the few occasions when he’s told the media to get off his lawn. What will he say? Has he in fact TALKED to Rahm Emanuel, therefore making Emanuel (”The Democrats”) a crook? Eh. We are watching CNN and they have a live stream here for the -4 of you with jobs. MORE »

Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” HA HA HA, that is what he named it, we imagine. He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Oh wait… he plagiarized that joke entirely from a Bobby Kennedy speech. [Sigh]. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog. MORE »

Wowsers, ABC is giving CNN a run for its money in hosting the worst faux-legitimate debate (part 1) this season. But we have yet to hear whether Obama sheds ONE tear or SEVERAL tears when he sees an American Bald Eagle. Does the Bald Eagle love America as much as he does? George & Chuckie will be sure to ask. MORE »

Hey look everybody, it’s your favorite pals from the Main Stream Media, in Philadelphia. We are here to liveblog Barack and Hillary’s latest friendly debate from the National Constitution Center, where the Constitution was whittled from a single block of wood. It’s true! Ask Ben Franklin, he’s EVERYWHERE in this city. Anyway, what do Barack and Hillary have to say that anyone will care about? Only THE ISSUES! Now let’s grab a bottled water and wave girlishly at Mickey Kaus and liveblog this number. MORE »