Tag Archives: liveblogs

  in case you were wondering still no building of that by you

Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?

I would like to welcome you all to my first ever Wonkette liveblog of anything ever except for those three years that I was secretly running the entire site but pretending I was white people! ARE YOU READY TO HEAR PEOPLE REFERENCE BUILDING THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN??? I’m sure you are. Tonight, we have Rand Paul, who the RNC mistakenly identified as Ron Paul, and Jeb Bush, the only Bush allowed at the convention, and Marco Rubio, who is Cuban and therefore better than Democratic minorities, and of course P90X dreamboat Paul Ryan, who is neither Ron Paul or Rand Paul but will Fifty Shades of Grey the fuck out of you if you agree to take a Medicare voucher. Drop your drawers, because it’s RNC night two: PANTSLESS PROSPERITY! Complete stupid schedule here. There are Olympians tonight, too. Presumably ones who built that. Without coaches. Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?…
  you didn't build that ronald reagan did

Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes

Some good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits… Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes…
  programming

Your Wonkette Tuesday Liveblogging & Tampa Party Details

Two Things: Your Wonkette communist overlord Rebecca Schoenkopf will be hosting a Wonkette Party tonight in Tampa, at “six or seven,” which is basically right now. Go to this place: MacDinton’s, 405 South Howard Avenue Tampa, Florida 33606 (813)251-8999 Read more on Your Wonkette Tuesday Liveblogging & Tampa Party Details…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  the founders are watching porn

Super Tuesday Liveblog Part V: Mitt Visits Yoda, Cloud City, & Ohio

Will Mittens lose Ohio to Weird Rick? We don’t know, is the thing! The two losers are still neck and neck as 65% 85% or so of precincts have been counted. The cable news channels are beginning to talk about important vote mini-clusters in small counties. This usually means we’ll be here until 5 a.m. waiting for some 90-year-old poll volunteer to come out of a cabin in the woods and turn in the 15 decisive votes that had been missing all night. Let’s type about it! (See liveblogs one, two, three, and four, for further trenchant Super Tuesday political commentary.) Read more on Super Tuesday Liveblog Part V: Mitt Visits Yoda, Cloud City, & Ohio…
  warblogging

Liveblogging The Superest Tuesday: Probably The End For Newt Gingrich, Right?

Hey why has Your Wonkette done so many Newt Gingrich posts all day forever? Because we doubt we’ll have Ol’ Newt to kick around anymore, and we miss the mean old bastard already. He’s been in a funk for weeks (years?) now, and without those recharging trips to Greece, he has just been a sour bag of mush (and not the kind of sour mush that riles his easily rileable moron base). Goodbye, Newt! Goodbye forever, we’re sure! Read more on Liveblogging The Superest Tuesday: Probably The End For Newt Gingrich, Right?…
  oh boy

Your ‘Michigan Mitt & Arizona Too’ Election Night Death Blog

First, a moment of silence for Olympia Snowe, who has delivered a “blow to the GOP” by dying or something. [Takes nap.] Ha ha, Olympia Snowe. Anyway: Michigan! Will hometown football hero Mitt Romney lose it after all the abortionist Democrats show up and vote for their hero, Rick Santorum? Then again, Rick Santorum: Not likable either! Can’t we just declare that gay Mexifucker sheriff out there in Arizona president and “go back” to having meaningful lives again? Here is your liveblog/open thread thing for the next 100 hours. Read more on Your ‘Michigan Mitt & Arizona Too’ Election Night Death Blog…
  fap fap fap

Liveblogging The Last Arizona Apocalypse & The End Of All Things

Is it really already the last debate? Have there even been any before tonight? Wait, the intern telling us something… !!!… okay, so there have been about 20 debates! Thanks, intern. (You’re fired.) Well, this process has certainly made us a better nation. So let’s watch tonight’s CNN debate live from the gay Mexican firecracker hellscape of Arizona and type some nonsense about it. Read more on Liveblogging The Last Arizona Apocalypse & The End Of All Things…
  deck chairs on a dollar-store titanic

The First Time Republicans Debate Who Is Least Likely To Be President Liveblog

Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And it’s on Fox News, so most of the questions will be variations on “Can we trust this communist terrorist to run the economy? Yes, no, or no and also Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?” Please refer to our drinking game so you don’t get boredom-onset seizures! Drinking will keep you busy. And this liveblog, which starts NOW. Read more on The First Time Republicans Debate Who Is Least Likely To Be President Liveblog…
  woah of woahs

BIN LADEN DEAD: American Victory Over That Guy Liveblog Part II

The wat is over. This is reality: Osama bin Laden, killer of people in office buildings, is dead. President Barack Hussein Obama overcame his devotion to Allah and the cause of the terrorists to do what the white idiot who preceeded him could not: our armed forces cornered the bastard in a SUBURBAN MANSION and the president made the call to take him out in a firefight. Americans shot the bearded troll, pulled out his body, and now that the CSI checks are over, the United States is in the possession of its greatest enemy’s corpse. Oh God, what do we do with this body? And, uh, can we maybe close Guantanamo and have our civil liberties back now? Read more on BIN LADEN DEAD: American Victory Over That Guy Liveblog Part II…
  texas justice administered by kenyan

DEAD!: Liveblogging the Address By Osama Bin Laden Killer Barack Obama

WAT WAT WAT. Twitter is saying that Osama bin Laden is dead, and President Obama is about to address the nation. Is Bin Laden already dead, or is Obama going to decapitate him live on the air, to stick it to the terrorists who are always doing that to our hostages? You would think he would wait for sweeps week, or maybe November 2012 to do something like this. THIS IS VERY EXCITING AND YOUR EDITOR IS PLANNING TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND CELEBRATE IN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK. Wolf Blitzer is being a pussy about this, but if Twitter says it’s true, it must be. OSAMA BIN LADEN IS FINALLY DEAD. High five, diabetes or whatever did this to him. Read more on DEAD!: Liveblogging the Address By Osama Bin Laden Killer Barack Obama…
  over there(s)

Liveblogging President Obama’s Announcement of Total War On Africa

Tonight, the president of the United States addresses the nation on Libya. Have we invaded yet? Is Poland sending three or four guys to help us out? Will Obama have to trade jobs with Gaddafi according to a weird cease-fire settlement the White House took pains to stay out of planning? Though this war has gone on for more than a week now, Obama finally feels pressured to tell the American people about it. But it’s still not a serious serious war speech. He’s not doing this from his desk, and he’s just bumping Wheel of Fortune and America’s precious Two and a Half Men reruns at this hour, so he’s still trying to keep this war mellow and chill and no big deal and whatever. Or maybe that’s just a trick to sneak up on Gaddafi and invade all of Africa?! We shall soon find out! Read more on Liveblogging President Obama’s Announcement of Total War On Africa…
  ipadside chats

Obama To Declare Mission Accomplished In Libya War Tonight

Though Secretaries of War Adventure Robert Gates and Hillary Clinton are “leaving open” exactly how many years in Libya the United States will be fighting a war to remove a despot they say they don’t want to remove, President Obama is continuing on with a scheduled address to the nation tonight on our cute new little war in which he will “discuss how our efforts in Libya have advanced our interests and averted a catastrophe,” according to the White House. Which is interesting, because just yesterday Gates said Libya did not pose a threat to the U.S. and going to war there was “not a vital national interest.” And our military says the gains made by the side we’re supporting in this civil war could fast be reversed if we ever stop bombing the other side. So our Nobel peace laureate will simultaneously pretend he doesn’t care if Gaddafi stays as dictator, sell the lie that we won’t be in Libya for a long time, and convince America this war is in its interest while the guy in charge of its military says it isn’t. Good thing he’s so good at talking and such! Read more on Obama To Declare Mission Accomplished In Libya War Tonight…
  a real slugger

Liveblogging Koch Employee Scott Walker’s Prank Call Non-Apology

Turn on the teevee news! Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is delivering a statement about his long conversation with that guy he thought was David Koch. Interestingly, watchdog group Public Campaign Action Fund is calling for a probe into whether he committed ethics violations in saying what he said to the person he thought was the guy who signs his checks. (All his checks that aren’t signed by the people of Wisconsin, that is.) So is Walker finally going to resign and/or let the workers of Wisconsin have their rights? No, he’s going to endorse Mika Brzezinski’s buttocks and taking a baseball bat to the face of homeless people or whatever, like he did in that prank call. And apologize to his boss David Koch for letting him down. LIVEBLOG! Read more on Liveblogging Koch Employee Scott Walker’s Prank Call Non-Apology…
  history history history (not really)

Liveblog Part II: May This Boehner Be Long and Earmarks Be Hard On

The members of the House are now supposed to leave the floor so they can escort John Boenher back in, apparently. They will all lock arms but wear rubber sleeves so they don’t get all of his orange tan cream on their clothes, we assume. Isn’t this exciting! We are moments away from having as our House speaker a man who was raised by diapers and was forced to eat his brothers and sisters when there was no food. So he knows what Americans are going through these days. And he knows they do not want to be taxed. Oh Jesus, he literally cannot even walk he is crying so much. Read more on Liveblog Part II: May This Boehner Be Long and Earmarks Be Hard On…
  public urination

Part V: No Country For Old Feingold: Liveblogging the End of Russmocracy

Oh sheesh, did they have to take Feingold? We aren’t upset because the man was a great senator; we are upset because that was Pagels’ seat. It still seems like the Democrats will hold onto the Senate at this, the fifth hour of our long crash into forever-gridlock. Sure, the complete sell-out half of the old McCain-Feingold duo was the one that got elected, but where we seem to be going, that sort of ancient “bipartisanship” thing just seems quaint. The results are still trickling in. We don’t know about Nevada or Illinois or Alaska, which will end in a bloody fistfight on the tundra between all of those candidates tomorrow afternoon, most likely. So what is going on in the final hour before we reach the Teabaggers’ fabled “November 3″? Read more on Part V: No Country For Old Feingold: Liveblogging the End of Russmocracy…
  polls close on teabag hope

The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III

We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the way she died left things open for a sequel. (And more gross Gawker posts.) Marco Rubio is your new Florida Elian Gonzalez, and all it cost was every shred of Charlie Crist’s humanity. In West Virginia, Joe Manchin has shot his lasers PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW at his opponent and will now shoot Barack Obama from his seat in the Senate, with his trusty shotgun, making things closer to impossible for the GOP to win a majority. So if that makes you a bit relieved for democracy, it’s one less shot of tequila to do tonight. Read more on The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III…
  pining for cocktober

Liveblogging the U.S. Economy’s Destruction of the Democratic Party

Tonight the future begins: Change is changing back. For too long, this nation has been PLAGUED by people who want to provide them health care and fix the economy. HEY, DEMOCRATS, WE WANT TO DIE OF HEART ATTACKS AND HAVE OUR ADVANCED SYSTEM OF BARTER DEVOLVE BACK INTO HUNTING AND GATHERING, THANK YOU. Democrats didn’t get this message, and the Teabaggers emerged from cashing their Social Secuirty checks at The Scooter Store to tell them they don’t like government action when it’s put in motion by black people. It has been a long two years of Republicans refusing to let government happen and the Democratic Party giving into their fear of voters hating them. And guess what? Voters probably hate them anyway, based on what everyone thinks will happen tonight. So grab a drink and thank democracy as the stubborn American economy removes what filibuster-proof power Democrats did have and leads into a new era of mixed-party deadlock. Read more on Liveblogging the U.S. Economy’s Destruction of the Democratic Party…
  the walls are thin upstairs

Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate

Did Tolkien ever depict a Senate debate in any of those Lord of the Rings books? Probably not, right? Because every character is too busy being Catholic and feminist? Yeah. So there is literally nothing to guide Christine O’Donnell in her big debate tonight. That’s okay, because she’s you, and you generally spend this time of night masturbating. So that’s what you have to look forward to tonight, Christine diving right into her “pudding cup.” All the good parts may not be shown, though, because CNN will likely be cutting to each and every miner coming out of that mine in Chile, as if one of them is suddenly going to come out of that tube with Justin Bieber. BORING. Anyway, a debate! Debates are fun! Let’s do this! Read more on Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate…
  a pledge to america

Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That

This should be entertaining: Christine O’Donnell is debating her opponent Chris Coons tonight on national teevee. Why does Chris Coons see the need to debate her? He doesn’t. He just knows that his poll numbers get better every time she opens her mouth. Speaking of her opening her mouth, will Christine O’Donnell be asked questions about the new revelations that she is quite the moaner? Will she demonstrate this for the electorate? Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That…
  Come on Bachmann You Go Girl

Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III

Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen “Love Handels” Handel. Some election competitions in Colorado are still up in the air, too. And maybe some other races are still undecided? Let’s go look for some more RESULTS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III…