Liveblogging The New Jersey Tussle Between Those Two Jerks
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
Here is a photograph of New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine’s greatest accomplishment in the last four years, when he crashed his car. Between his two runs, Jon Corzine has spent approximately $700 million of his own money trying to win one of the least desirable jobs in politics: the guy who has to raise taxes on a populace of constipated slobs who can’t even pump their own gas, by law. Will he luck out and lose tonight to the very fat Chris Christie? The television will tell us. MORE »
It has been some time since we used to liveblog election results every single Tuesday for months at a time, so let’s do it tonight, on “Election Day 2009,” which has brought about as much excitement and suspense as the May 3, 2008 Democratic primary in Guam. The powers-that-be, like dicks, have constructed a system in which Virginia polls close at 7:00, New Jersey polls close at 8:00, and New York polls close at 9:00. We will start here at 6:45ish and just cold motherfuckin’ type all night long. CNN has definitely issued a release promising NINE MILLION ANALYSTS for its panel tonight, and you cannot miss any of them! Now go stock up on alcohol & guns and return for ridiculous insanity-typing that, we promise, will only be tangentially related to politics.
Do you know how many Americans have perished since Obama has 
If there’s a single winner tonight, it’s the photo to your left. The fact that one can type “old-timey doctor” into something called “Google Images” and produce THIS… what a great country. No. What a great Internet. None of this is true. But we digress! Health care speech: Obama started a full 900 million seconds late, so let’s listen to the second and third paragraphs of his speech hmm? (
Welcome to the President’s big health care speech! Everyone is so excited to write about this, because of all the “health care pun” possibilities. “Remedy” can fix things outside the context of medicine too! Ha ha! Let’s begin, now that 
At this actual moment a bunch of congressmen and senators are getting high in their offices before sitting down to listen to this nut, Obama, try to explain yet again why he wants to kill, literally murder with jackknives and poisons and AIDS, the Greatest Generation & babies. Is that any kind of “good” public policy? Doesn’t he know that they do this in Europe, which is stagnant? He loves Europe. Anyway let’s see what the dingbats are saying on cable news, in this very important pre-speech liveblog. 
IN WHICH WE LIVEBLOG YOUR DEATH, TONIGHT: Hello friends. The President, Barack Obama, would like to speak to his nation of douchebags this p.m. You will report back here at 7:30 ET for “pre-game” liveblogging, followed by speech liveblogging, followed by liveblogging of whichever loser is giving the GOP response. For now, however, your Wonkette is dreadfully tired and must go take a nap in the trashcan, with the rats. If you go to the Huff Po you should be able to find about 10 billion “WHAT OBAMA MUST DO IN HEALTH SPEACH” articles (all by Alec Baldwin) from which you might arm yourself with Knowledge.
Yay is everybody ready for the most rip-roaring good time ever at a town hall since a mob of outraged yokels stole George Washington’s wooden teeth and chased him off the premises clad only in his skivvies and the 18th-century version of a women’s brassiere (two monkey skulls held together with catgut and lignum vitae)? That’s what happens when you mess with New Hampshire, the forgotten Appalachia of the American Northeast. 
It’s almost like this guy wants America to have some kind of good health-care system for everybody, even the AARP — the main voters/money-holders of the United States. “I understand how easy it is for this town to become retarded,” Obama just said. Oh and Obama is talking about that dickwad senator who wants to “break” Obama by defeating health care reform. You can’t break a muslin, dummy! 