Wonkette

Oh good gravy there is a special election event at the world-famous giant suburban church somewhere. Let us pray about our purpose-driven liveblogging, which could happen, IF THE LORD WILZ IT. Oh it’s starting maybe, let’s find out if it’s on teevee, and who will be president of 22,000 bored people in “Lake Forest, California,” where there’s no lake and no forest. MORE »

Mean old John McCain was all, “Oh yeah, boy? Go fight The Kaiser in Nazi Germany like I did, then we’ll see who was tortured.” So Barack Obama got on a plane and went to Germany, via every other country in the world, and now he’s going to give his famous speech! We are going to liveblog it! You can tell your kids about this day, when you were at work, and Wonkette liveblogged some thing on teevee! MORE »

Oh, so our president is giving a press conference, talkin’ about the economies and offshore drilling and such? It’s a slowish news day, so we might as well liveblog this dealy. Fix yourself a triple Wonkettini and join us after the jump for whatever jokes we can muster about the limp Dow, and smacking Fannie into a state of renewed arousal. MORE »

It is finished. There are no more primaries, no more whining about Michigan and Florida. Even though she may not ever concede, Barack Obama says: “Tonight I can stand here and say, that I will be the Democratic nominee, for the United States of America.” That should be worth some interesting discussion and freakouts, no? MORE »

John McCain finished his angry old-man rant, Hillary finished her “I have made no decisions” speech, folks talked about some stuff in the middle, and now it’s time for Barack Obama, the Hopeful Boy Unicorn, to bring it home. Of course the Decemberists opened for him here in St. Paul, so we can assume the big crowd is for them. Still, let’s have a listen! MORE »

Well first and foremost a big fist-bump to old Hillary Clinton, who has won the great state of South Dakota, her 50th state victory of the season, and now she leads Obama by 20 million popular votes and infinity delegates. Why are the media and its blacks trying to push her out of the race, knowing this? Let’s see what Hillary has to say about her Pyrrhic Victory, and beyond. MORE »

BREAKING NEWS LITTLE SIREN GIF: Barack has got the Power, and the Delegates …. Well, what have we learned, tonight, other than that your editor has a “drinking problem” due to having some drillings/fillings done on his own teeth an hour ago? We’ve learned that Maverick RINO McCain wants to hate fuck the war until it finally loves him, and he went to a New Orleans suburb to explain why it’s good when there’s no “big government” to help you with change you can believe in. Anyway, let’s liveblog the nonsense as we get some results from South Dakota, the “Bukkake State.” MORE »

Attention whore John McCain didn’t want Democrats to have all the fun tonight, and we needed to start up another comment thread for you lunatics, so join us as we watch John McCain saying mean things about Barack Obama. MSNBC has stationed Howard Fineman on some sort of “Listening Post,” which maybe means he has tapped people’s phones or something? Anyway we can “listen” to Howard Fineman for a little while before John McCain’s angry senile rant, hooray! MORE »

Tonight, beloved Wonkette readers, we shall gather for one last (?) primary contest before Cheney attacks Iran and ends this campaign for good. Join us for the liveblogging, beginning at about 8:30 p.m. Eastern, which is 7:30 p.m. Central (for most of South Dakota) and 6:30 p.m. Mountain Time (for “Western South Dakota”) and also 6:30 p.m. Montana Time (Montana=Mountain) and, who knows, probably 5:15 p.m. Pacific Time. As always, makes sure to stop at the liquor/gun store on the way home for some bitter booze & ammo. Please leave predictions — and graphical-theme ideas for tonight — in the comments.

Well, your pretend boyfriend Barack Obama made it all the way to Oregon via, uh, Iowa. Des Moines, in fact. That’s where he gave a Big Speech an hour or so back, and you can read the liveblog here. The important question is how terribly will Obama beat Hillary in Oregon? And how will it break down between the bitter rural desert of Eastern Oregon and the elite urban-gay computer/microbrew PDX “gloom belt” and the poor redneck lumber towns? Let’s all drink elaborately named pints of beer in a mildewed strip bar, after the jump.

(Want to relive tonight’s madness? Here is our Liveblogging Part One, and Part Two, and Part Three, and Part Four!)

10:39 PM — Barack collected $32 million in April alone. Hillary managed $22 million — that’s $54 million for the Democrats. John McCain had his best fundraising month ever: $18 million.
10:40 PM — Even though it’s only 7:40 p.m. out here on the Pacific Coast, we’ll stick to our elite D.C. time zone.
10:42 PM — The polls are closed! Barack has already given his “Iowa I Win” speech! Let’s see if the teevee people can keep us excited.
10:43 PM — That “change is coming” riff in the Obama speech sounded right out of that Sam Cooke song, “Change Is Gonna Come,” which was actually Cooke’s response to hearing Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ In The Wind” and being stunned that some little white kid wrote that. So Cooke wrote and recorded this song, and was immediately shot dead in Los Angeles:

10:44 PM — Just sixteen exciting minutes until the polls close in Oregon!
10:48 PM — The Oregonian endorsed Barack Obama … and John McCain.
10:49 PM — So Barack got 70% of the Oregon “young voters,” while Hillary got 54% of the “young voters” (under 30) in Kentucky. CNN poll troll Bill Schneider acts surprised. Has he ever seen a 30-year-old in Kentucky? That’s like 75 years old in the rest of the country.
11:00 PM — Everybody already calls it for Oregon! It’s Barack Obama!
11:01 PM — Olbermann: “All right, that’s … over. She wins Kentucky, he wins Oregon.” WAY TO BUZZ KILL, KEEF!
11:04 PM — What you got, Norah? Oh, Barack did fine with the old white ladies and the working class bitters in Oregon!
11:05 PM — How ’bout you, Big Tim Russert? The Oregon folks don’t buy the gas-tax bullshit, while Hillary’s simpleton supporters in Kentucky think it’s great.
11:06 PM — By the end of tonight, according to Russert, Obama’s within less than seventy delegates — elected, super, whatever — to own the nomination, period, the end.
11:10 PM — A bizarre burst of laughter from … somewhere on the MSNBC set. Almost like a laugh track. WTF, MSNBC, WTF?
11:10 PM — Russert wants Barack to “love the silent goodness” of America. Nixon used to call these working-class racists “the silent majority.” Good name change, Tim!
11:12 PM — New numbers from OR: And that’s a sexy little bridesmaid dress on Norah tonight, even if the shoulders are kind of ’80s.
11:14 PM — The liberal elites went 59% for Obama. But he got 47% of the no-college working class whites, and 49% of the white women vote.
11:15 PM — 83% of white voters went for Barack Obama.
11:16 PM — So the new metric, tonight, is that the bitters are moving over to Barack now that they know the game is up. We leave Kentucky out of this, as news is slow to arrive out there.
11:17 PM — Based on 1946 and 1968 votes, Pat Buchanan is very angry about Barack winning. He just called Oregon “spotted owl country,” apparently unaware that the controversy regarding the spotted owl destroyed much of Oregon’s lumber industry — yeah there were other factors but the owl takes a lot of the lumber worker blame — and the spotted owl environmental support came from Washington conservation/wildlife groups. It was close to Civil War in Oregon. Buchanan has never ever been outside of D.C. or Maryland, has he? He also doesn’t know how to say “Oregon.”
11:19 PM — Unless he’s actually talking about weirdo Wilhelm Reich’s “Orgone boxes,” which was a hippie fad in the 1920s, when Pat was growing up.
11:21 PM — There is a smokin’ hot brunette in a maroon blouse and gray blazer just behind David Gergen. Who is she?
11:22 PM — David Gergen also has a funny (not really) website that has some goofy pictures, such as this one.
11:26 PM — With 35% counted, Oregon goes 60-40 for Obama.
11:27 PM — In the PDX population centers along the north half of the I-5, it’s 64% for Barry and … 33% for Hills? Slow down, CNN Number King John “Numbers” King!
11:30 PM — David Gergen is getting all serious and bummed out, talking about the racism, and implicitly saying that Hillary Clinton is to blame for exploiting racism in poor white parts of the country.
11:35 PM — Carl Bernstein: “She now has a movement. Now that she has this movement behind her — women, working class whites — she and her vociferous acolytes are saying ‘Change the rules so we can win at the last minute.’”
11:37 PM — The movement consists of racist people, says Carl.
11:37 PM — Paul Begala continues with the charade that Hillary isn’t raising a George Wallace-style beast in this rotten country.
11:37 PM — 58%-42% in Oregon.
11:40 PM — Here’s Bill Schneider on the KY/OR whites:

11:42 PM — McCain’s campaign sends an email ot Candy Crowley. It quotes Hillary Clinton campaign slogans but acknowledges that Barack does speak fancy for a young colored.
11:43 PM — Anderson Cooper is disturbed because bitter workers are literally tearing apart the building where Candy is standing.
11:45 PM — Hillary’s going to Florida tomorrow. Jesus Christ, she’s exactly Glenn Close jumping out of the bathtub.
11:46 PM — Back to Norah and her legs, on MSNBC. Anyway, she says the dumb racist Kentucky folk always “cross party lines” by 30%-37% to vote for the Republican, whether the Dem is black or John Kerry or Al Gore.
11:53 PM — Hey Keith and Chris are talking smack OFF THE AIR and we don’t get to hear it. Hooray.
11:54 PM — Okay Big Russert, what is the Hillary Tactic Now? “Keep shrinking the delegate count, advancing the popular vote count.”
11:54 PM — And now she won’t give up efore Puerto Rico, says Andrea Mitchell. Ugh. She won’t quit before the primary on Mars.
11:55 PM — Russert claims that THIS TIME, unlike all other times, the party will stop tolerating Hillary demanding the nomination even though she lost.
11:57 PM — It is the night of Democratic Cancer. Tim says a said thing about Hamilton Jordan, and Ted Kennedy. We are all sad, because of the Curse of Cancer. But Hamilton defeated Kennedy at the 1980 Dem convention … and then Reagan became President of Forever.
11:58 PM — Uh, what was that, on CNN? Chuck Hagel turned down McCain, as far as the veep slot?
12:00 AM — And now Larry King is on CNN, and he is confused about what’s going on, so let’s go to that douche Dan Abrams on the MSNBC. Ugh. With his “live jass band.”
12:03 AM — “I’m doing the casual thing, I’ve got the no tie, Ron Reagan has the mock turtleneck.” KILL THEM ALL.
12:04 AM — Oh and hey, it their collective birthday, Dan and Ron. But Rachel and Norah are forced to stay around. And a blonde girl has a fake martini. Ugh.
12:05 AM — Dan Abrams is a giant cunt. He’s now attacking Chuck Todd for mentioning that the contest in question is happening in Oregon, where it is 9 o’clock at night, not “After Hours.”
12:08 AM — 21% of Kentucky Democrats said “race played a role” in their vote today. Those are the people who admitted this to a stranger taking notes on a clipboard outside the polling palce.
12:13 AM — Back to the Double Kings, John & Larry, on CNN. “What does Ted Kennedy mean?”
12:14 AM — As a baby, John King learned about Mommy, Daddy, milk, the Kennedys, and whisky.
12:15 AM — Still 58%-42% in Oregon, with 52% reporting.
12:18 AM — Hi to the BBC’s chief in Washington, Justin Webb.
12:19 AM — Ugh, that clip … “Until we have a nominee, whoever SHE may be.” (Wild applause.)
12:19 AM — Oh Jesus, now Larry King is wondering what happens if Ted Kennedy dies … who becomes that superdelegate. Oh jesus ….
12:21 AM — So MSNBC can afford an upright bass, but not a real piano?
12:22 AM — Still 58-42 in Oregon, still the same percentage of the vote counted.
12:24 AM — Here is a good cartoon about the game Oregon Trail. Here is the next part, and the next part, and the next part.
12:26 AM — Norah, you have twins in your belly. Don’t you need to sleep?
12:33 AM — CHUCK TODD, BITCHES, HE HAS THE COLD MATH: HE IS DRAWIN ON THE CRAZY MAP.
12:35 AM — Obama has all kinds of superdelegates in states he won big. Also, 23 in California. Nancy Pelosi is 22 of them.
12:58 AM — Sorry, had to do some accounting. Has anyone received their Economic Stimulus Check?
12:59 AM — Still 58-42 in Oregon. This is with 62% reporting. Good Night Forever, My Friends! Thanks for joining us for another exciting primary. NEVER FORGET.