Tag Archives: liveblog

  MORE DOOOOOOM!

Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead

Well! We are guessing if you are still with us, we don’t have to work too hard to get you up to speed. Things are a little bleak here in the Washington Bureau, where we are into our fifth hour of Fox News exposure. Come with us, Wonketteers, as we introduce you to the new world in front of you. Read more on Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead…
  MORE DOOOOOOM!

Election 2014: The Bloodbath Liveblogging Continues

Well, it isn’t pretty. Here are the first results of the night. So far, Sen. Mitch McConnell wins re-election. Sen. Lindsey Graham wins re-election, which according to Very Serious Journalists means he’s practically president already. Read more on Election 2014: The Bloodbath Liveblogging Continues…
  DOOOOOOM

Election 2014: Liveblogging The GOP-ocalypse

So we had an election today? With the voting? (Or the vote frauding, if you are a Democrat.) The bad news is that a whole lotta Republicans are probably going to win a whole lotta races and do a whole lotta damage to this, our United States of Jesus Thomas Jefferson. Or maybe they will just shut down the whole government and call it a day. Here, this delicious Lemon and Rosemary Gin Fizz For All Your Election Day Sorrow-Drowning might help. Read more on Election 2014: Liveblogging The GOP-ocalypse…
  Why is Obama late?

Watch Obama Explain Warring On Syria, Or Maybe Just Say ‘F-ck It, I Quit’ Like That Alaska Lady

President Obama will be addressing the nation at 10 AM Eastern (or whenever he actually shows up, that guy’s never on time, is he? IMPEACH!) to explain our attacks in Syria. Or maybe to just pull an Alaska and go spend his time trying to legalize marijuana. Read more on Watch Obama Explain Warring On Syria, Or Maybe Just Say ‘F-ck It, I Quit’ Like That Alaska Lady…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  chicken soup for the wonker's soul

Hey, Jim Newell Is Live-Blogging The Sebelius Hearings, And Other Outbound Links!

First up! We can’t improve on this Buzzfeed story (!) so go get you some New Pope, bein’ best! Hey, What’s Jim Newell been up to lately? Just stone cold liveblooging the Sebelius hearings is what! Let us know if anything happens, okay you guys? Read more on Hey, Jim Newell Is Live-Blogging The Sebelius Hearings, And Other Outbound Links!…
  Today we'd all rather be at Cheers

People Who Can Eat A Bag of Dicks About The Boston Massacre

Now that it’s clear that we aren’t going to be getting to that laundry today, we are going to approach the events in Boston like we do any huge news story: By following multiple newsfeeds and sharing them with our Wonkette friends. This livebloog is going to be a combination of group hug and more than a little eye-rolling at what we find crawling across our monitors. Assisting Yr Doktor Zoom in the Sekrit Chatcave are Yr Editrix, Snipy, Wonkette Jr., and Stefan Bc. Read more on People Who Can Eat A Bag of Dicks About The Boston Massacre…
  The Wrath of Cons

When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?

The GOP Response to the most exciting SOTU evaris real soon! The Tea Party Response to the SOTU is after that! Marco Rubio is giving the official GOP response, and Rand Paul is giving the Tea Party response. Neither is expected to be as entertaining as that one time when Kenneth the NBC Page gave the response, or when that one crazy lady stared at a point several inches to one side of the camera that was broadcasting to the nation. We predict they will both say, OK, Barry, you won, have it your way! And then they will kiss, passionately. What is the drinking game? If you’re going to get through listening to these guys, drinking is not a game. For one thing, if you are not already soused by now, you are either abstaining, working, or just not trying. Drink whenever you need to, which may be “all the time.” Read more on When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?…
  DRINK!

What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?

THE TIME IS NOW!!!! THE CHANNEL IS HERE! As a reminder, some person named “Ken Layne” has written a drinking game over at “The Awl,” so please to familiarize yourself with The Rules. (Corn liquor.) Need a livestream? It is here. We will be back shortly; we are watching the empty building in which #Chris#Dorner is totally not burning up right now, because you know he escaped on a horse to go be Black Zorro. Here are some ways people on the Google (WHICH WE WON TONIGHT) found your Wonket: state of the union time20 bill o’reilly wife cheating1 fema camps1 state of the union1 what time is the state of the union7 time of state of the union2 time for state of the union2 state of the union time and channel1 what channel is the state of the union on2 what channel will the state of the union be on1 what time is state1 state of the union channel2 what time is state of the union2 what time is the state of the union?2 what time is state of union1 when time is the state of the union1 which channel state of union Suck it HuffPo. Read more on What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?…
  gather ye libtards

Live-Blogging Whatever Is Pre-Empting ‘The Price Is Right’ Today

Sorry, Barker’s Beauties and the teevee viewers who love them, looks like your ass got pre-empted again! Will Barack Hussein Obama’s tyrannies never end? (Spoiler: no!) The rest of you, who for some reason are NOT outraged that your usual morning television viewing has been replaced with unending tracking shots of Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter looking AMAZING, and Hillary looking sort of carelessly coiffed (which is our favorite Hillary, because she’s got shit to do that does not involve a wash and set), may gather here and begin imbibing your celebratory libtard speedballs (because you are a drug addict, or at least on welfare). Read more on Live-Blogging Whatever Is Pre-Empting ‘The Price Is Right’ Today…
  We're Gonna Make Him Stay Up All Night

Livebloggenning the Election, Episode 4 More Years: Return Of The Jedi President

Say, did we mention that we really, REALLY like saying “Senator-Elect Elizabeth Warren”? It’s an awfully good phrase, don’t you think? Here we are at the fourth installment of this marathon, and Virginia, Ohio, and Florida are all still in “godknowswhat” status. See our earlier rundowns: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. And for godssakes, if you’re in Los Angeles, get your butt to the Wonkette Party! 11:15 MSNBC CALLS OHIO AND THE ELECTION FOR OBAMA Read more on Livebloggenning the Election, Episode 4 More Years: Return Of The Jedi President…
  the polls never close

Your Wonkette Concedes Nothing, Never: Part 2 Of A Drunk And Getting Drunker Liveblog

After at least seven voter “outreaches” apiece from all 37 FEC-registered presidential campaigns, your humble Wonkette team is ready to keep spreading the Good News, right up til the networks drag the last formaldehyde-reeking pundit out of storage. (Laura Ingraham was just on-air so it shouldn’t be too much longer actually.) Shit’s getting real, y’all! Read more on Your Wonkette Concedes Nothing, Never: Part 2 Of A Drunk And Getting Drunker Liveblog…
  ObamaRomneyDämmerung!

Barack Obama’s Huge Election: Your Throbbing Liveblog (Part 1)

Greetings, Wonkers! Welcome to your exciting Election Night Liveblog for Celebration and / or Weeping! We hope you have laid in a supply of the necessary ingredients: snack foods, kleenex, antidepressants, and The Good Stuff, whatever that may be. Should you feel like flexing your mixological muscle, Rebecca suggests you try an El Presidente — it’s topical and Tropical! Joining us from the Wonkette Chat Cave are Wonkette Special Correspondents Josh Fruhlinger, Rich Abdill, Kaia Mursi, Kris Benson, and HOLY CRAP SARA BENINCASA!!! Also, until she leaves for tonight’s LA Electoral Gala, we have Editrix Rebecca along with us. Kid Zoom is here for the first couple of hours, too! We also will be hoping for tweets / texts from Jesse Taylor, who is being herded onto an election party bus somewhere. We have also taken a solemn No Ponies vow, which we will only break if we feel like it. Read more on Barack Obama’s Huge Election: Your Throbbing Liveblog (Part 1)…
  Libya: Which One Was That Again?

U.S Americans, Like Such As In The Iraq: Your Foreign Policy Debate Liveblog

Greetings, Wonkers, and welcome back to Wonkette’s State of the Art LiveBlogoPlex for the final Debate-O-Palooza of the 2012 Presidential campaign! Your Editrix and most of the Wonkette staff are standing by via the Top Sekrit Wonkette ChatCave for what promises to be a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of the many subtleties of international relations! Or maybe a lot of accusations and lying, it could go either way. So many questions! Has Obama agreed to talk to Iran if he’s re-elected? Will Romney talk to Iran if he wins? Are either of these guys still on speaking terms with each other? Will moderator Bob Schieffer be able to rein in either candidate, or will Mitt cold-cock him with a solid bar of gold? Which Barack Obama will show up tonight: the sleepy dude from the first debate, the feisty smart guy from the second debate, or a third, as-yet unknown Obama, some hybrid narcoleptic street fighter who throws a verbal jab and then morphs into a giant robot…which then falls asleep? And what are the implications for our relations with Brazil? Read more on U.S Americans, Like Such As In The Iraq: Your Foreign Policy Debate Liveblog…
  My God...It's full of hooves

Yes, There Will Be A Debate Livebloog Tonight!

Settle down, you miscreants! We know we freaked you out a little today by not updating while Your Editrix was out and the Brazilians came back, but rest assured: Tudo está de volta ao normal agora. Read more on Yes, There Will Be A Debate Livebloog Tonight!…
  We're Doing It Live!

The Pinhead And The Patriot: Liveblogging The Jon Stewart – Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Pay-Per-View Event

Here we are, in Wonkette’s State of the Art LiveBlogoPlex, ready for an infotainment extravaganza that will test our technology, our speed-typing, and our bad habit of trying to sound like a Jon Stewart wannabe. We have our beer and our falafel, and we are ready to go. Joining us for the debate tonight is Kid Zoom, who will be looking over our shoulder and telling us we’re using the computer all wrong. Should you wish to access the online stream, it can be purchased here for $4.95, presumably even during the event; you’re supposed to be able to stream/download the thing afterwards as well, too. Half of the profits will go to charities of the debaters’ choice, if that assuages any qualms you might have about blowing five bucks on something involving Bill O’Reilly. Your Wonkette is all about assuaging qualms. Say that five times fast if you can. Read more on The Pinhead And The Patriot: Liveblogging The Jon Stewart – Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Pay-Per-View Event…
  Battle of the Cable Icons

The Jon Stewart & Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Thing, 8 PM Saturday: We’ll Blog It Live!

Attention, Wonketteers! We are pleased to announce that Your Wonkette will be live-embloggening what promises to be a far more entertaining debate than that thing that happened on Wednesday. Join Your Doktor Zoom at 8 PM (Eastern) for a livebloog of tonight’s epic, not-at-all-over-hyped Pay-Per-View butting of heads between Jon “I Just Do Comedy” Stewart and Bill “Me Too, Though I Don’t Admit It” O’Reilly. Read more on The Jon Stewart & Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Thing, 8 PM Saturday: We’ll Blog It Live!…
  Rumble in Sconnie Nation!

Midwest Madness: Your Wisconsin Senate Debate Liveblog!

Welcome to all of the Wonkers with nothing else to do on a Friday night! Whether you’re here because you have small children, or because you are a shut-in, or because you haven’t yet figured out how to reprogram your court-ordered ankle bracelet, we bid you welcome! Tonight’s debate features a titanic political standoff between two candidates that we know virtual NOTHING about, but thankfully, that is no longer a deterrent to being a pundit or even a candidate in our modern Republic! It’s like some wonderful fantasy story, come to life! The candidates are Republican Tommy Thomson, a former 4-term Wisconsin Governor, Secretary of Health and Human Services, and member of the British New Wave pop group “The Thompson Twins” (Or he may have been a detective with a funny mustache, we forget), and Democrat Tammy Baldwin, the current U.S. Representative for Wisconsin’s 2nd district, who has not been in a pop band OR a comic book, but could conceivably have been related to the Baldwin brothers of acting fame. She is also, according to our exhaustive, in-depth research, the first openly gay non-incumbent elected to the House of Representatives. [citation needed] Read more on Midwest Madness: Your Wisconsin Senate Debate Liveblog!…
  manual override engaged

Emergency Backup Livebloog!

Haha, we have no idea how Rebecca broke the internet! But here we are! 10:56 OMG Barry is totally doing a clip show here! 10:59 This, fellow students of Rhetoric, is what ya call a “peroration.” And it freakin’ ROCKS. Read more on Emergency Backup Livebloog!…
  you sexy thing

Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet

Whoops, we have broken Wonket! We said some stuff already, it is gone now. Fucking INTERNET! But the gist was, no, we were not yet pregnant, unless we got knocked up by Michelle’s foxy-bitch face. (WE DID.) Sorry everybody, that you can no longer read the most amazing live-bloog in the history of bloogs. Sucks to be you! Fuck this bullshit broken liveblog bullshit. New emergency backup nuclear livebloog here. Read more on Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet…