Tag Archives: live blogging

  let's get ready to ruuuuumble

Here Is Your Great Wisconsin Recall Debate Totally Timed For Maximum Exposure

Hi! Did you know there is a debate tonight between Scott Walker and that other dude, someone Barrett? (Hey, if the DNC doesn’t know Tom Barrett’s name, why should Your Wonkette?) It is so important it will be preempting Book Discussions on CSpan! (It will also be streaming live, here, for you Poors and you Youngs what ain’t got cable.) Go pee, and gather your beverages, and then we will gather here and go WHY IS IT NOT ON CSPAN and click around frantically, together! Read more on Here Is Your Great Wisconsin Recall Debate Totally Timed For Maximum Exposure…
  late festivus miracles

Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!

Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and more probably being flown in on his private jet, probably from Milan.) The people on the cable news swore that Ron Paul could only win if there was a Snowpocalypse, and yet it’s relatively warm and dry in Iowa and he’s still winning. It’s like the Republicans suddenly decided that they’re giving up on America, too. And it’s about time! Read more on Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!…
  liveblogging in hell

Liveblogging the ‘Oh Let’s Pretend We Like Herman Cain’ GOP Debate

Hello, and welcome to Hades. It’s time for another “there’s actually a GOP debate every week forever” edition of Tonight’s GOP Debate. Who Will Win? Maybe Michele Bachmann will revive her lagging campaign by making the “Cakes of Light” (you really don’t want to know) and then maybe Chris Christie bursts out of this enormous semen/blood concoction, naked except for novelty Jack Sparrow dreadlocks, and sings “Happy Birthday I’m the President” in a comical/racist Warner Bros. cartoon “Italian voice,” and then Herman Cain transforms the entire auditorium into a Barnes & Noble book signing, and gives everybody their own burned-down fast-food franchise to “work from the ground up.” This is the only thing that can happen … this, and whatever actually happens over the next two hours of mental waterboarding. Grab literally every kind of alcoholic beverage and narcotic you can find and prepare yourself, because it’s time to Occupy Corporate America’s Fake Populist Mormon Cultist Texan Pizza Monsters. Would Jesus have it any other way, in this country he built from scratch on a sunny day in 1776 (with slave labor)? Watch it live on Bloomberg, with us! Read more on Liveblogging the ‘Oh Let’s Pretend We Like Herman Cain’ GOP Debate…
  the state of our liveblog is strong

Liveblogging the Dismal State of Our Union, Part I

8:30 PM — We flip on the DirecTeeVee News Mix and there’s the shrunken head of Wolf Blitzer, jabbering dumbly about Michele Bachmann, who has replaced “Parker Spitzer” as America’s Favorite Weirdo To Respond To the State of the Union. What a delightful evening we all have in store! 8:31 PM — Oh, how will we make it tonight without Keith Olbermann to make smug references to things, which only serves to annoy the living hell out of Chris Matthews? Let’s switch over and see Keith’s replacement! Haha but just before leaving Dingus Blitzer we hear him again speaking with pride about how CNN is the only teevee channel that will broadcast Nut-bar Bachmann’s speech live! (Does CNN even know that she’s not doing the “opposition response,” and is just another crazy person on YouTube? No …. how would they even know that?) 8:36 PM — Everybody’s showing up! We were kind of unsure, until right now. You never know, when you throw a party. Will people have something better to do? Decide to all “show up late to be cool,” maybe, and then the pizza and everything is all cold and no good? But they’re here! They are members of Congress! Where else would they be tonight? This is like a wedding of a loved one, if any of these people were loved. Read more on Liveblogging the Dismal State of Our Union, Part I…
  oh god john kerry's dumb face is making noise

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings, Part II

Ken has apparently died [IT IS CALLED “LUNCH AFTER WRITING FOR SEVEN HOURS,” JACK — Ed.], so here is a part two, at last, to this boring, meaningless ceremonial affair. Right now John Kerry and Scott Brown are the first “witnesses,” here to introduce Kagan and pretend they know she will be a good judge and not try to rape everybody who comes in front of the Supreme Court. Right now we can officially call it: She WILL be confirmed, as Scott Brown is apparently the Robin to John Kerry’s boring confirmation Batman, and also Robert Byrd’s ghost will be wheeled in later and allowed to vote to confirm her. Read more on Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings, Part II…
  scam confirmations

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings

Are we really going to do this? Elena Kagan just walked in, hugged and kissed some ladies (?!) and some men (?!) and now Patrick Leahy is introducing everybody and explaining what’s happening. What is happening? Well, Senator Byrd died! Everybody’s so sad. Everybody’s so sad that it’s going to be impossible to really pay attention to this bullshit confirmation process. Read more on Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings…
  the beehive state

Liveblogging, Uhh, Utah? Sure! Liveblogging Utah

Everything is settled in the Carolinas and Mississippi or wherever, correct? There is a very detailed liveblog from Secret Jim Newell (Jack Stuef), mentioning baseball and a way to bring Facebook to Haiti. Let’s! Why should Facebook be limited to islands/nations with buildings or electricity? So then, Utah. Remember when Republican icon _____ Bennett (let’s check his name in a moment) got tossed out by Mormon Teabaggers during one of those earlier primaries? Well, now we shall settle this battle. Not a word on CNN about this. Bob Bennett cries alone in his garage. Everything on the news is “Oh the dumb redneck general, McAsstyl, who is on a seven-year plane voyage from Afghanistan, he has faxed his resignation,” ha ha as if that will spare his execution in Utah. Speaking of …. Read more on Liveblogging, Uhh, Utah? Sure! Liveblogging Utah…
  spectator sports

Liveblogging Tony Hayward’s Flogging by the House Energy Subcommittee

Everything will be different once Henry Waxman and Bart Stupak firmly chide BP CEO Tony Hayward for that terrible mess he made in the Gulf of Mexico. Tony may even get sent to his room for a timeout. And then the oil spill disaster will be over, once the tears dry and forgiveness is given. You will not want to miss the live teevee testimony! Or, more likely, you do want to miss it — but you’d still like to learn & laugh together with your only friends, here at Wonkette. Let’s liveblog Scotland’s own Ninja Turtle, Tony Hayward, as he reads this prepared speech that has been posted on the Internet for hours now. Read more on Liveblogging Tony Hayward’s Flogging by the House Energy Subcommittee…
  endless bummer

Obama’s Moon-War BP Energy Talk

Hey isn’t he supposed to be plugging the danged hole, America? Each year, at the beginning of shrimp season, Barack Obama blesses the fleet of oil-spill cleanup boats. Why isn’t BP honoring this tradition today? Where are all the windmills! What is he even talking about? At least this isn’t the “last crisis America will face.” Read more on Obama’s Moon-War BP Energy Talk…
  demon sheep super tuesday

Liveblogging the West Coast Ladies Night & Good-Bye To Jim Gibbons

Polls are closed everywhere! We see the light at the end of the tunnel. (It is called “tomorrow morning.”) But we’ve already got some very happy news to report: Pig-eyed drunken would-be rapist and serial crook Jim Gibbons has lost the governorship of Nevada! Not that anyone will really notice; he never actually showed up for work, in Nevada. Too busy knocking down cocktail waitresses and getting divorced and “buying tomatoes” while those annoying voters asked him to cut taxes and send their welfare checks. Good-bye Jim! Hope you have a heart attack on the toilet soon! Read more on Liveblogging the West Coast Ladies Night & Good-Bye To Jim Gibbons…
  2010 semi-super tuesday

Liveblogging the Razorback Blanche Lincoln-Palmetto Nikki Haley Memorial Pig Race

Is it already night-time in the Arkansas-Iowa-Utah portion of Real America? Yes! And thanks to Wonkette veteran Princess Sparkle Pony for posting this blingee he made for Blanche Lincoln, who is now LOSING, with 60% of the vote counted. She’s only got 49%, and that’s apparently “less than 50%” and that means let’s start the next round of our (Some of) America votes (June) 2010 Liveblogging! ALSO: Nikki Haley has to have a runoff, which means so many sexy stories about Nikki Haley’s boy-toys. Read more on Liveblogging the Razorback Blanche Lincoln-Palmetto Nikki Haley Memorial Pig Race…
  america's saddest primary

Liveblogging the National Dirty Dozen, Eastern Seaboard Style

What is happening tonight?! As usual, nobody knows anything because the polls have just closed on the East Coast and we are many hours away from polls closing on the West Coast and who knows what’s happening in Arkansas? (We actually know! Polls have closed, and few were even open, the better to beat Blanche Lincoln! The voting authorities are apparently trying to keep her from winning. Is Arkansas some ex-Soviet Republic? You’d think!) Let us commence the liveblogging, and please keep your tips flowing freely like the alcohol in your glass, and “follow us on the Twitter,” etc. Make sure to keep your little “I Voted” stickers, too, in case the cops show up later needing proof. It could happen! Read more on Liveblogging the National Dirty Dozen, Eastern Seaboard Style…
  our nation's first white president

Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie. Read more on Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault…
  general motors fail

Liveblogging Obama Creating ‘Government Motors’

Wow it’s morning so that means Barack Obama is giving televised remarks about the latest failed giant business he’s buying us for Ramadan. General Motors! “The collapse of these companies would’ve been devastating to America,” etc., yes we know, “and it would be good for American workers and American manufacturing and good for America’s economy” if, heh heh, GM didn’t have to pay all its debts. Let’s live-blog this by liveblogging, now! Read more on Liveblogging Obama Creating ‘Government Motors’…
  the 100-day reich

Liveblogging Obama’s 100th Term, Part II

Are you part of the “broader tapestry of American life,” as Mr. Cool just said? How have you enjoyed Intern Juli as she helmed the HMS Liveblog Ship of State? HA AT EXACTLY THAT MOMENT OBAMA REFERRED TO AMERICA AS “THAT BATTLESHIP,” which is what McCain used to call him, because McCain calls everybody “that battleship.” Let’s continue the liveblogging! We are humbled by it, and we are patient by it. Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s 100th Term, Part II…
  100 days of fail

Liveblogging Barack Obama’s 100th Birthday

Hey friends welcome to the first (1st) part of the liveblog! If you’re joining us from “YouTube,” “aloha” to you. And a very special “Feliz Navidad” to our Barack Obama, who has been the President for 100 days at this point, today. Let’s hear his smug self-congratulations. Read more on Liveblogging Barack Obama’s 100th Birthday…
  this guy again

Liveblogging More of This Crap (Obama’s Important Thing On TeeVee, Part II)

This is what it was like in Soviet USSR Russia, we bet! The guy, on the teevee, every night. Five year plans, advancing upon the enemy stronghold, great progress made in the Martian Dirt Wars, etc. We don’t know FOR SURE about this, as we arrived in the USSR about two weeks after it officially ended — this is true! — and by then it was all tits & death metal on the RUBIN black-and-white set. Anyway, is the recession over yet? Has Komrade Obama talked it away, while his douche-bots in the East Room try to act like they understand anything beyond do-nuts and Twitter? Read more on Liveblogging More of This Crap (Obama’s Important Thing On TeeVee, Part II)…
  who will win?

Liveblogging the Postpartum Depression Debate, Part V

This is the first time your editor has really paid attention to those squiggly lines on the CNN independent voter torture graph. Wow! The uncommitted voters of Ohio do not like this John McCain character. The only time we’ve seen a real happy response to McCain was when he was talking very generally (and quite well) about America’s history as a “peacekeeper.” (Ha.) And then he had to snarl and say “this isn’t the time for on-the-job training,” and the male and female lines went down like the stock market. What does it mean? Read more on Liveblogging the Postpartum Depression Debate, Part V…
  family feud

Pre-Liveblogging Bill Clinton Maybe Endorsing the Democratic Nominee, Barack Obama

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for: The night Bill Clinton will finally get out of the way and let the nominee go ahead and run for president. Bill has his legacy to worry about, because, you know, he squandered it with some of the most boorish, cheap behavior in political history — and we are not even talking about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s let Bill let us remember how wonderful he is and how awesome he will always be, as the DNC Wednesday night showdown begins. Read more on Pre-Liveblogging Bill Clinton Maybe Endorsing the Democratic Nominee, Barack Obama…
  christblogging

Liveblogging Some McCain-Obama Church Chat

Oh good gravy there is a special election event at the world-famous giant suburban church somewhere. Let us pray about our purpose-driven liveblogging, which could happen, IF THE LORD WILZ IT. Oh it’s starting maybe, let’s find out if it’s on teevee, and who will be president of 22,000 bored people in “Lake Forest, California,” where there’s no lake and no forest. Read more on Liveblogging Some McCain-Obama Church Chat…
  ich ben ein kenyan

Liveblogging Barack Obama’s Campaign Speech To Germany

Mean old John McCain was all, “Oh yeah, boy? Go fight The Kaiser in Nazi Germany like I did, then we’ll see who was tortured.” So Barack Obama got on a plane and went to Germany, via every other country in the world, and now he’s going to give his famous speech! We are going to liveblog it! You can tell your kids about this day, when you were at work, and Wonkette liveblogged some thing on teevee! Read more on Liveblogging Barack Obama’s Campaign Speech To Germany…