Tag Archives: live blog

  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  public service announcement

All The CPAC News That’s Fit To Live-Bloog

Oh, yeah, no. Not from us. It is Saturday, and we are going to do Saturday things. Saturday things like “go to the post office,” and “mail out some Smoking Joe cups,” and “buy all the wine,” and “see if KBJ wants to hang out,” and “get a facial,” as we are an entrepreneuress and that has given us Stress Zits, and also because all y’all have been sending us money like you are Mitt Romney and we are the Mormon Church that is going to turn around and invest it in your campaign! Facials for everyone! And by everyone we mean me! Read more on All The CPAC News That’s Fit To Live-Bloog…
  grifters

Let’s See If Sarah Palin Can Finish Her CPAC Speech Without Quitting Halfway Through

Here comes Sarah Palin, to stand for God, Country, Freedom, and Taco Bell. She breaks the mold. Turn on your span, let’s watch this shit! 12:08: UH OH! It is that asshole Ted Cruz, the one with the Jerk Baby, instead! Is Sarah Palin lost somewhere? Are they filling time while she has a fucking snit about the color of the backdrop or the brown M&Ms? We are going to go with “gigantic temper tantrum backstage.” 12:10: Sarah Palin can pick winners, says Ted Cruz, who is the very definition of a “winner.” 12:11: Oh man, Sarah Palin has her own theme song now, “She Is A Mama Grizzly.” That is … perfect, really. That way she won’t get any cease and desists when she uses music by anyone else on the planet. Read more on Let’s See If Sarah Palin Can Finish Her CPAC Speech Without Quitting Halfway Through…
  The Wrath of Cons

When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?

The GOP Response to the most exciting SOTU evaris real soon! The Tea Party Response to the SOTU is after that! Marco Rubio is giving the official GOP response, and Rand Paul is giving the Tea Party response. Neither is expected to be as entertaining as that one time when Kenneth the NBC Page gave the response, or when that one crazy lady stared at a point several inches to one side of the camera that was broadcasting to the nation. We predict they will both say, OK, Barry, you won, have it your way! And then they will kiss, passionately. What is the drinking game? If you’re going to get through listening to these guys, drinking is not a game. For one thing, if you are not already soused by now, you are either abstaining, working, or just not trying. Drink whenever you need to, which may be “all the time.” Read more on When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?…
  DRINK!

What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?

THE TIME IS NOW!!!! THE CHANNEL IS HERE! As a reminder, some person named “Ken Layne” has written a drinking game over at “The Awl,” so please to familiarize yourself with The Rules. (Corn liquor.) Need a livestream? It is here. We will be back shortly; we are watching the empty building in which #Chris#Dorner is totally not burning up right now, because you know he escaped on a horse to go be Black Zorro. Here are some ways people on the Google (WHICH WE WON TONIGHT) found your Wonket: state of the union time20 bill o’reilly wife cheating1 fema camps1 state of the union1 what time is the state of the union7 time of state of the union2 time for state of the union2 state of the union time and channel1 what channel is the state of the union on2 what channel will the state of the union be on1 what time is state1 state of the union channel2 what time is state of the union2 what time is the state of the union?2 what time is state of union1 when time is the state of the union1 which channel state of union Suck it HuffPo. Read more on What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?…
  kicking ass with robot feet

Live Blooging The Last Death Rattle Of Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh

Hey, so anybody able to get this fucker to load? No, right? HAHAHA, we just figured it out. Chicago is NOT ON EASTERN TIME MAYBE? So maybe it is one more hour before this bad boy starts? For sweet Jesus crying out loud. This is seriously going to cut into our Pimm’s cup and French dip time at Cole’s, which we’d thoughtfully scheduled for 90 minutes from now. Let’s all go do something else for a while, yes? See you back in like 45. Pfft. 7 PM Whatever time: Are we ready to rumble? NOT ANYMORE. 7:01 PM — So is there a goddamn debate or is this their regular newscast? Anybody else ready to scrape this ridiculous waste of pixels from the Internet? Ooh, a weather report. 7:05 PM — Pretty sure the moderator just described Joe Walsh as a high school dropout. Read more on Live Blooging The Last Death Rattle Of Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh…
  and then we shall weep

Soon We Will Not Have Joe Walsh To Kick Around With Tammy Duckworth’s Mechanical Feet

You know, we were sort of toying with live-blooging the last Duckworth-Walsh Illinois congressional debate, but then we were like, eh, maybe Tammy Duckworth will be kind of boring, and surely Joe Walsh is too much of a pussy to offer her a Purple Heart band-aid for her kickass robot legs to her face? But then Tammy Duckworth was not boring, and the increasingly bizarre (if that were even possible) deadbeat Congressman Joe Walsh waved around a picture proving his opponent wears women’s clothes!!! Well unlike Joe Walsh (hopefully!) we are not about to make the same mistake twice! Join us, and this livestream, at 7 p.m. Eastern as we live-bloog the shit out of whatever oozes from Walsh’s peevish puss. Read more on Soon We Will Not Have Joe Walsh To Kick Around With Tammy Duckworth’s Mechanical Feet…
  make em say vote nah nah nah nah

‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It

Hello, nerds! Rebecca and I are ready and set to get up in this debate shit, on the real. Tonight is the most important night of Barack Obama’s life, in that he should just straight slam Five Hour Energy and then leap around onstage like he will seriously Seal Team Six the fuck out of Romney’s shit. I am liveblogging from Gooeyz on the Ohio State University campus, courtesy of the Franklin County Young Democrats. Rebecca is blogging from a velvet couch while smoking a cigarette out of a long black holder. 8:38 PM: I have not seen a group of people this white sit in a space this small since that group of college kids piled in that Land Rover at Hilton Head. Read more on ‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It…
  there will be blood

Vice-Presidential Debate Live-Bloog: Paul ‘The Kid’ Ryan Takes On Old Handsome Joe

What’s this, Sara Benincasa is joining us tonight, in our domicile? Does she have hair to braid? We will soon find out! In the meantime, here is the first and last nice thing we will most likely say about Paul Ryan tonight: Paul Ryan sends copies of NOBUMMER’s birth certificate to any constituent who writes him all “WHAR KENYA WHAR,” and even before Obummer released his long-form certificate, Ryan’s office sent to those same “folks” a copy of the Hawaiian registrar’s statement about the Communist usurper’s live birth. And we think that is terrific, for reals! (GENTLEMANLY.) (We mean us.) (We’re done now though.) (Don’t worry.) (WARBLOG!!!!!) Also too, before we start, here’s your damn drinking game: If you are in California, Washington, DC, New York, or any of the other civilized states, smoke some legal marijuana before the debate commences. As to the rest of you, we will occasionally yell at you DRINK for any or no reason at all. (But seriously, if Joey calls “Mr.” Ryan “junior” or “sonny” or “kiddo” or “boy,” you may do the Hokey Pokey and finish the bottle in feral joy.) And that’s it! We can’t say to drink if OHJB says “God love ya” or talks about Scranton or the Violence Against Women Act, or cries when telling the story of his family, or says “literally” about something figurative, or is magnificently romantic to Dr. Jill, because we will not be liable for your alcohol poisoning. So, you know, just use your worst judgment, and we’ll see you at nine. Read more on Vice-Presidential Debate Live-Bloog: Paul ‘The Kid’ Ryan Takes On Old Handsome Joe…
  meeting cute

And Now Is When We Watch Scott Brown And Elizabeth Warren Finally Fall In Love

Want to catch up on Senator Staple-Crotch dealing a death-blow to his “nice guy” image? Previous debatings here and here. (That second link is if you want to relive Third Man David Gregory finally succeeding in breaking your Wonkette, reducing us to a puddle of Tea Partyish rage. Your Editrix’s mother thought it was great!) Now turn on your Span, let us blog like a wild thang! Read more on And Now Is When We Watch Scott Brown And Elizabeth Warren Finally Fall In Love…
  the professor and mary ann

Massachusetts Senate Live Blog: The Thrilla In Vanilla

You guys there is yet another debate tonight in Massachusetts and we are beside ourselves with excitement waiting for the answer to the eternal question, JUST HOW RACIST WILL SCOTT BROWN BE? We bet he goes full Andrew Jackson. Because for the last hour, his supporters have been doing war whoops and tomahawk chops outside the debate hall, the same kind that Scott Brown sternly reminded Elizabeth Warren to please stop doing, and to show a little class and respect! Anyhoo, turn on your “SPAN” or your this, fetch you some firewater, and let’s start this bitch! Read more on Massachusetts Senate Live Blog: The Thrilla In Vanilla…
  wow turns out scott brown is kind of a dick!

Live Blogging Your Elizabeth Warren/Scott Brown Deathmatch (Pt. One Of Four)

Remember when Your Wonkette went to Tampa and Charlotte and then lots and tons of other cities, to feed beer to you, our beloved Wonkados? No, we don’t either. But we are told we made friends with a bunch of dudes from Boston whilst there, and they told us FLAT OUT that Scott Brown was gonna cream Elizabeth Warren in the Massachusetts Senate race. Everybody likes him too much, they explained, but we have not asked them to splain since all those polls came out showing Warren finally ahead how they could be so stupid. Eh, happens to everyone! Like today, we put up a Fox & Friends post that was over two years old! Here, have some liveblog, we shall begin! If you don’t have Cspan THREE, you can watch it here. Read more on Live Blogging Your Elizabeth Warren/Scott Brown Deathmatch (Pt. One Of Four)…
  needs moar gingrich

Yes We Will Live-Bloog Elizabeth Warren Schoolmarming That Dreamy Scott Brown

Harry Reid has done us all the mitzvah of making sure Scott Brown doesn’t have an excused absence from tonight’s debate with everyone’s favorite schoolmarm, Elizabeth Warren. Also, Reid basically called Brown a coward trying to get out of the debate the way most Republicans got out of Vietnam, and then told him to put on some dry panties and go get on an aeroplane. So we will see you here at 7 p.m. Eastern, presuming this thing will be live-streamed somewhere? (We do not live in Massachusetts.) Read more on Yes We Will Live-Bloog Elizabeth Warren Schoolmarming That Dreamy Scott Brown…
  let's all have tiny barack babies!

Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television

Everybody get your fine illegal Communist rum and your fine illegal Windowpane, and meet us back here just in time for the tribute to Old Handsome Joe Biden, and then Barry making love to you again like it is the first time. So like just before nine, like that! You don’t need a blow-by-blow of every note out of Mary J. Blige’s mouth. Just come back, whatever, we’ll see you then unless we see you first! 7:16 PM — OK guess we are starting early since Joe is straight up blubbering like a a drunken Irish John Boehner. God bless that sentimental son of a bitch. Read more on Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television…
  i inhaled

Live-Blogging: Joe Biden Talks To Black People

Joe does not want to inhale your flattery, NAACP — oh who’s he kidding? Of course he does, and he will hand some right back. He sat in, he’s a lifelong member of the NAACP, and he has gotten in PERSONAL TROUBLE with every single person in there, with hijinks! FOX HEADLINE: Joe Biden admits sitting in Rev. Wright’s church, plotting to blow up Chicago with Bernadine Dohrn. Read more on Live-Blogging: Joe Biden Talks To Black People…
  what's in his heart

Live Blogging Mitt Romney Being Totally Comfortable With Black People

It was not very nice of some former MediaMatters dudes (now over at The Message) to make a whole video pointing out that Mitt Romney is white. We have not seen such bald racism since the last time a black person said something ever. And how could they even think such a thing anyway, just because Mitt Romney as Massachusetts governor was constantly axing the state’s office of Affirmative Action, and also wants to take away all black people’s right to vote. So what who cares? Read more on Live Blogging Mitt Romney Being Totally Comfortable With Black People…