Tag Archives: lindsey graham

  Vote Graham or he'll drone this dog

Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected

Dream on
Sen. Lindsey Graham, the southern gentleman from South Carolina, has been threatening for months to run for president, promising to be an excellent president for rich white men everywhere and to “literally use the military” to force Congress to do his bidding. Why does he think he can win? Who exactly does he think will vote for him? No idea, but we laughingly welcome him to the race, as he announced on Monday his intention to announce his intention to run for president, which is how presidential campaigns work nowadays. And he’s got a real optimistic Reaganesque morning in America pitch to voters: Read more on Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected…
  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Fuck this guy
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: Read more on George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really….
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  The new McCarthyism is just as gay as the Old McCarthyism

Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes

This time we'll burn the GAY witches!
It’s very tough to be a “family values” conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay “marriage.” Laura Bush thinks it’s okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin’ bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they’re hiding: Read more on Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes…
  boom flakkalaka flakkalaka flakkalaka flakka boom

Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup

Florida Man was fucking busy this week, you guys! Let’s dive right in. Meet Doug Hughes, Great American Hero. (Oh wait, you already have.) Mr. Doug is a dedicated public servant and self-proclaimed Showman Patriot, a 61-year-old mailman from Ruskin, Florida (no, we have no idea where that is), who decided to combat the scourge of excess campaign money (which is definitely A Thing That Deserves To Be Combatted) by hopping in his gyrocopter (A Thing That Also Apparently Exists) and flying to the nation’s Capitol. Hughes wanted to drop off a letter to each of the 535 members of Congress telling them they could just go fuck the fuck off if they didn’t want to combat corruption, just like Thomas Jefferson would … even though he was going through restricted Washington DC airspace: Read more on Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup…
  The Second Amendment does not rest on Sundays sheeple

North Carolina Won’t Let You Hunt On Sundays, Thanks Obama

Yay, puns!
Did you know that in Obama’s America (okay, Obama’s North Carolina), you can’t wake up on Sunday morning and go hunting? No, seriously, this is a thing! Under current law, hunters, on their own property, or with the property owner’s permission, are not allowed to decide that Sunday is a good day to say “screw church” and set to the truly worshipful task of bagging a buck. So members of the North Carolina House are trying to fix that with HB 640. But who’s against it? Church people! Even though the law says you can’t hunt within 300 yards of a church, these obviously crazy people are worried about things like stray bullets hitting Nana while she’s singing “Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow,” like stray bullets even exist. Read more on North Carolina Won’t Let You Hunt On Sundays, Thanks Obama…
  Now how's about all you lezbogays get in the kitchen and make South Carolina a sammich?

South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel

South Carolina woman no longer protected by the 14th Amendment, we guess.
The Supreme Court is planning to hear arguments at the end of April in Buttsechs v. Phyllis Schlafly (not what it’s really called), the case they will most likely use to permanently cram gay marriage into the throats and bottoms of all the American people. This means that everyone and their wingnut uncle is submitting an amicus brief that says either “here is why I want to be able to marry the person I love” or “God will bomb America with fire if we let those faggots destroy our way of life!” But the state of South Carolina has sent the Supreme Court a truly stunning love note, which essentially says that due to the 14th Amendment, they are TOO allowed to discriminate against the homosexuals. Why? Because the 14th Amendment says they can also clearly discriminate against ladies. According to this logic, ladies are just like gays, in that they are inferior to straight white Christian slaveowners, wait what? Read more on South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel…
  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…
  bless his heart

Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul

A little eye-cream could spruce up that side-eye, just saying.
The Confirmed Bachelor Prince Of The Low Country is throwing some MEAN shade at official 2016 presidential loser Rand Paul! Who’s smarter than Rand Paul when it comes to keeping Iran from getting nukes, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham? The answer is EVERYONE, including that liberal Hillary Clinton. Talking to the Face The Nation teevee program, Graham said that the only 2016 candidate who would do worse than tyrant Obama in negotiating with the Iranians is that loser Rand Paul, who hilariously announced his presidential run on Tuesday. Read more on Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  but really this is terrible food

Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It

The Almighty’s favorite chicken sammich
National Journal, Ron Fournier’s Church of Both Sides Do It, is out with some Very Serious Journalism™: It turns out that, after Chick-fil-A was outed as a shitty fast-food company run by gay-hating Christianists oppressed by the Gay Mafia and the Feminazis, congressional Republicans decided they really, really loved them some fried chicken sandwiches, like, all the time, for the Lord. Read more on Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It…
  He'll be here all week ... unfortunately

President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)

What a jokester
Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke! But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called Nancy Pelosi an ugly old over-surgeried hag. Ha. Ha. Ha. Read more on President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)…
  Twitter diplomacy

Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!

Dang, still looks nothing like him.
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Howdy Doody Jindal wants to be president one day. That’s never going to happen, but just in case it does, which it never will, he’s promising not to do a single thing in the second half of his second term, because a REAL president would know better than to act like he’s still the president and, like, get stuff done. Read more on Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!…
  #Jokes

Lindsey Graham Real Sorry He Called Nancy Pelosi A Plastic-Faced Old Hag

He's a natural beauty
Sen. Lindsey Graham, South Carolina’s most genteel gentleman and apparently the bastard son of John McCain (who knew?), has been testing the waters “to look beyond South Carolina as to whether or not a guy like Lindsey Graham has a viable path” to the White House. Read more on Lindsey Graham Real Sorry He Called Nancy Pelosi A Plastic-Faced Old Hag…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  From the "legitimate rape" desk

Lindsey Graham Finding It Difficult To Separate Good Girls From Lying Sluts, Would Appreciate Suggestions

and unfortunately I vote
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-please just stop) spoke Thursday at the annual March for Life Rally/Recycled Offensive Placard Emporium about the House GOP’s failure to get their act together enough to pass H.R. 36, the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act. As you will recall, GOP congressladies objected to the truly obnoxious rape exception in the bill, which would have allowed abortions in cases of rape IF and ONLY IF the rape was reported to the police. On the basis of their objections, Republican House leaders canceled the scheduled vote. Read more on Lindsey Graham Finding It Difficult To Separate Good Girls From Lying Sluts, Would Appreciate Suggestions…
  No country for Lindsey Graham

Forget Bushes And Clintons: John McCain Will Start Dynasty With ‘Illegitimate Son’ Lindsey Graham

Southern gentleman and South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham appeared on “Meet the Press” on Sunday — guess John McCain was busy blah blahing on all the other Sunday shows — to say that he is definitely considering running for president if he can find enough rich white men to vote him into office. (Nope, he cannot. But he already knows that, on account of how he said so in 2012, when, in an odd moment of honesty he confessed that his beloved Grand Ol’ Party is “not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term.”) Read more on Forget Bushes And Clintons: John McCain Will Start Dynasty With ‘Illegitimate Son’ Lindsey Graham…
  Vladimir Putin Feeling Neglected

Republicans Have Massive Freedom Boner For Egypt’s Dictator

Why can't we have a nice military dictator too?
Attention, Wonkers: We’re proud to announce that the American right has a new Strongman Boyfriend! They seem to have a real crush on Egyptian President Gen. Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who seized power in the 2013 coup against Mohammed Morsi. Lots of wingers love him because he outlawed the Muslim Brotherhood and made the trains run on time, or at least he outlawed the Muslim Brotherhood. And even better, as Sen. Lindsey Graham noted over the weekend, al-Sisi recognizes the need for an actual religious war against radical Islam, while Barack Obama pretends that terrorists aren’t even Muslims at all, and won’t even say the words “radical Islam,” except for the times that Obama has actually said “radical Islam.” Read more on Republicans Have Massive Freedom Boner For Egypt’s Dictator…
  Yup this should work

Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France

Good plan
It used to be that Republicans wouldn’t have to hate President Obama so much if only he had the Dad Jeans to call terrorist attacks by their rightful name, which he has never done. But that was ages ago, and now that the president, ever the appeaser, has started using the T-word for the first time ever, there’s a whole new standard. Sure, the president said the slaughter at Parisian satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo’s office was a “terrorist attack” and that his administration would “help bring these terrorists to justice.” But that’s still sort of wishy-washy in today’s even more terroristical climate, don’t you think? How do we know he really, truly understands the seriousness of a terrorist attack if he’s only willing to call it a terrorist attack? Read more on Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…