• One hundred years from now, school children will marvel at how obtuse Americans in 2009 really were. “How could they not have known Barack Obama was a Reptilian Shapeshifter?” the children will ask. And then their civics teacher Mr. Floyd will chuckle and reply, “They were very stupid. Very very stupid.” [True/Slant: Harmon Leon]
• Meanwhile, Michelle Obama goes on Sesame Street. But does she compose an awesome song about geometry, just like Philip Glass did? [The Caucus]
• Glenn Beck is the loneliest man on the earth. [Think Progress]
• Is it at all surprising that Creigh Deeds loves taxes more than he loves his children, but also hates Democracy with all his heart? No. No, it is not. [RedState]
• There is serious money to be made disrespecting Republicans. Just ask Alan Grayson, who is now officially rich. [TPM]

It is a MEDICAL FACT straight from the basement laboratory of Dr. Charles Boustany that Congressional MVP Joe Wilson has won the Internet for the Republicans today! Hooray! Do not forget though, in your excitement for Wilson’s accomplishment, to pay proper respect to Lindsey Graham and Eric Cantor, who deserve other, lesser athletic superlatives! Last night, Graham and Cantor set USA records in the Who’s Paying Attention the Least competition. Let’s honor them! MORE »

Hey B’araq, Here’s another rotten egg for your breakfast poop salad: John McCain, the elderly gentleman born and raised in Arlington, Virginia, simply will not vote for the Mexican Supreme Court lady. Everyone values John McCain’s opinions and that is why he informed America of this decision on no less a stage than the floor of the United States Senate, in a Speech. MORE »

• Why’d you do it, Lindsey Graham? We await an apology via your publicist, Meghan McCain. [RedState]
• Meet Aaron Schock, the handsomest Republican congressman since Mark Foley — SWIMSUIT PHOTOS! [Something Awful]
• What’s the point of a 60-vote majority if it votes the same way as the 40-vote minority? Wait a second … [Think Progress]
• A mentally challenged deaf person in Mobile, Alabama got a face full of pepper spray and then was repeatedly tasered in the gut because HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG IN THE BATHROOM. Is this in the Patriot Act or something? America, we need to talk. [USA Today]
• Alan Dershowitz insists that Heinrich Himmler was a Palestinian. OK Alan, whatever you say! Psycho. [Matt Yglesias]

Hmm, it seems like Lindsey Graham is pretty gay for Sonia Sotomayor, but he just doesn’t know how to say it! So strange, this questioning of Bush’s own failed Affirmative Action hire, Linda Chavez. She tries to run with the standard argument that okay, maybe SOMETIMES the Republicans may look at race as a factor in appointments, like with Alberto Gonzales or… Linda Chavez… but IT IS THE DEMOCRATS WHO PICK SOLELY ON RACE while ignoring such glaring red flags as stupidity and casual Nazism. But then Lindsey lays it all out and just says, okay, shut up time for Linda Chavez, we are all affirmative action whores with these appointments, enough with this. Thanks a lot, “Grahamnesty.” [YouTube, Washington Independent]

Meghan McCain Twitter-biographer MEGHAN McCAIN has special maternal feelings for sexy senator LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC), who served with distinction as First Mate aboard the Straight Talk Express. The two were practically inseparable on the campaign trail, and during long cold nights, Lindsey would often sit on Meghan’s WARM LAP as she French-braided his GOLDEN TOUPEE. But now Meghan’s Little Lindsey-Lamb has received volleys of disrespect from conservatives for saying he might “vote Yea for WISE SOTOMAYOR-AY!” Are these smack-talkers prepared to duel Meghan, on Twitter, using TRADITIONAL FLINTLOCK BLACKBERRY MACHINES? Because that is the price they must pay, for dishonoring Lindsey Graham so thoroughly …. MORE »

Lindsey Graham, third puzzle piece, along with Joe Lieberman and John McCain, of the Senate’s most bromantic Warring Loser Triumvirate, has come out to defend his good pal and homewrecker John Ensign, of sex affair fame. Graham considers Ensign’s sexings a personal matter on which he should keep his mouth shut, because, well, hehehe… we’ve all got shit on us, don’t we now? MORE »

Gay-for-each-other fecal demons Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham are being suuuuuuchhh baaaaabieeesss now that the few decent law-abiding and moral Democrats in the House have promised not to approve any spending bill that would send the sneaky Lieberman-Graham Amendment to the White House, which of course loves it. If you haven’t been following, the “Detainee Photographic Records Protection Act of 2009″ amendment allows the president to legally ignore any court-mandated Freedom of Information Act release of “any photograph that was taken between September 11, 2001 and January 22, 2009 relating to the treatment of individuals engaged, captured, or detained after September 11, 2001, by the Armed Forces of the United States in operations outside of the United States.” NO BUT REALLY. And now Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman are threatening to shut the Senate down until this comically fascistic fart-nugget of an amendment saves America. MORE »

• Lindsey Graham doesn’t want you to see those photos from Joe Lieberman’s surprise Abu Ghraib birthday party, especially the one where Joe forces a prisoner to give him a special birthday enema, because then the anus of every American soldier would be in grave danger. [HuffPost]
• Newt Gingrich is making up all sorts of silly names for Sonia-Maria, like “Racialist” and “Whinoceros,” since the teacher won’t let him call her a Mexican anymore. [Think Progress]
• The Wall Street Journal thinks Hank Paulson is “a national hero” and should be rewarded with an endless cornucopia of “Veuve Clicquot and upscale prostitutes.” This angers Matt Taibbi very much, which is why he twittered an angry letter to the editor reminding everyone that Hank Paulson basically invented expensive champagne and hookers and he doesn’t need more of either, thank you. [Matt Taibbi]
• After the Government buys Health Care, Barack Obama will tally up all the abortions you ever had and then will call you on his BlackBerry to offer his congratulations, if you’re in the top ten. [RedState]
• Michelle Malkin cordially invites you to open up MS Paint and doodle funny things about Obamacare! Those who do not partake will be considered pinkos and will likely face investigation by the Committee of Un-American Activities. [Michelle Malkin]

• WHAT IF SHE LEGISLATES FROM THE BENCH AGAINST AVERAGE EVERYDAY WHITE GUYS, SUCH AS U.S. SENATORS? Lindsay Graham, for serious? We already know he has told Sonia Sotomayor, QUITE FRANKLY, that he has hated her passionately since the dawn of time. But here is another nice detail, from the senator, about why he despises her so much: “he indicated that her past statements raise concerns that, as a Supreme Court justice, she may not treat white males fairly. ‘Being an average, everyday white guy, that doesn’t exactly make me feel good,’ Graham said.” [Roll Call]

Waterboarding-lover and generally bad human Lindsey Graham met with Sonia Sotomayor today as she was making her “rounds,” in Congress. While most legislators have simply said afterward that they had a pleasant, interesting conversation with her, Lindsey Graham bragged to reporters about how he told her, “Sonia, you would not believe how much I want to vote against you. It is literally insane, the level of hatred I have towards you, personally.” MORE »