Tag Archives: lindsey graham

  Waaaaaaaaah

GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers

Now we just need a tiny violin Oh, look at these poor little cry babies, all in need of a nap: Two weeks after the first Republican presidential debate in Cleveland, several candidates scraping the bottom of primary polls are still seething about their treatment — and ripping party leadership for what they describe as, at best careless, and at worst intentional, decisions that embarrassed them on national TV. Seems the biggest losers in the Republican race — the dried puppy turds on the bottom of your shoe, as it were — are still pouting about how they had to stand in an empty room and pretend to debate each other while most of America was stopping by Kool Chain Bar & Grill for some happy hour apps and frozen blended umbrella drinks before heading home to watch the real Republican presidential debate, starring Donald Trump and nine other people who are not Donald Trump. Read more on GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers…
  As Constitutional As They Wanna Be

GOP Candidates Take Knife To Messican-Loving Parts Of Constitution

Considering that's an 1861 flag, maybe we should let the little Timelord stay
Considering that’s an 1861 flag, maybe we should let the little Timelord stay You old folks may remember a time when it was actually controversial, back in 2010, when Iowa congressmelon Steve King wanted to trash the 14th Amendment and its guarantee of birthright citizenship, so Our Nation wouldn’t sink to the sea floor under the weight of all those “anchor babies” the illegals were having. Since then, though, a whole bunch of other Republicans have become quite open to throwing the 14th Amendment right out the Overton Window. You see, while some amendments are holy and can never be restricted — like the Second, which preserves all the others at the mere cost of 30,000 dead Americans annually — others have unintended consequences that simply can’t be tolerated, like how the 14th lets Messicans from all over Latin America come here and pop out a bunch of new citizens who have to be treated as if they had rights or something. Read more on GOP Candidates Take Knife To Messican-Loving Parts Of Constitution…
  losers

Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today’s Republican Party So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.) Read more on Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President…
  Point and laugh at the sads :(

Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing Second Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog

Well hello there! Are you ready to see the loser junior varsity Republican candidates lose some more while they debate each other during loser hour? US TOO! Who knows what’s going to happen? Will Rick Santorum get real stigmata? Will Rick Perry comb his mane the whole time? Will Jim Gilmore try to feel Carly Fiorina on the boobies? Who can say, nobody knows who he is, so we don’t know if he’s a booby-grabbing creeper or not! Join us as we live-blog the inaugural debate of Fuckshow 2016! Read more on Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing Second Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog…
  Eat a bag of dicks

Stupid President Obama Doesn’t Even Realize How Great War Is, What A Stupid

Yeah, HE'S the idiot
How in the world would Actual Elected President Barack Obama know how to do his job without former Not Elected President John McCain and his illegitimate son, soon-to-be Not Elected President Lindsey Graham, bitch-squealing at him all the time about how he doesn’t bomb nearly enough countries? Read more on Stupid President Obama Doesn’t Even Realize How Great War Is, What A Stupid…
  All your questions answered

Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL
It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin. Read more on Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!…
  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until the bacon grease collects in a pool on the ground, and voila! It’s both an efficient and hygienic way of enjoying the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon…
  Could Someone Please Use A Stalin Analogy For Variety?

Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum

Don't assume the Iran deal is a Shoah thing
In the days since Mike Huckabee’s fascinating, totally new strategy of calling Barack Obama Hitler for negotiating a freeze on Iran’s nuclear arms program (which can never work because Iran is Nazi Germany), the Republican Party has rediscovered just how heady that metaphor is, with an enthusiasm not seen since the halcyon Teabag Summer of 2009, when Obama was Hitler for making people get health insurance. Only now, as Huckabee himself explained, it’s totally different, because there are Real Jews who will get Holocausted by Iran! And never mind whether actual Jews are offended by the comparison, because after all, the Jews went and let themselves get killed in 1939-1945 anyway, so they probably need a Baptist preacher to explain things for them. It should be no surprise that Republicans are running to jump on the bandwagon — or maybe it’s more of a Panzerkampfwagen — to sagely proclaim that yes indeed, Barack Obama is pretty much Hitler, Chamberlain, or maybe both of them plus Adolf Eichmann, just itching to send all the Jews to Auschwitz, now that he’s given Iran the Sudetenland and the Bomb. Which they were going to get if there hadn’t been a nuke deal, but somehow actually limiting their nuke program is worse. Read more on Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum…
  Ooh he mad!

Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!

We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.
Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump! Read more on Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!…
  U go gurl

Donald Trump Would Agree Lindsey Graham Smashing His Phone To Sounds Of Vivaldi Is CLASSY

Macho macho man
Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump decided to do the weirdest campaign speech in the history of weird campaign speeches, by talking about how Lindsey Graham is even stupider than dumb Rick Perry, which is saying a lot, and regaled the crowd with a story about how Graham begged him one time to give him money and say nice things about him on the “Fox & Friends” program? And then he gave out Graham’s cell phone number and told everybody to prank call it? Of course you remember, it was yesterday! Later in the day, Graham tweeted that he was probably going to have to get a new phone and we were like LOL does he not understand how phone numbers work? Read more on Donald Trump Would Agree Lindsey Graham Smashing His Phone To Sounds Of Vivaldi Is CLASSY…
  The kids on Twitter call this "doxxing"

Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall

CALL ME MAYBE
Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean. Read more on Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall…
  No Extra Credit For Acknowledging Reality

Lindsey Graham Isn’t A Scientist, But He Thinks Scientists Know Stuff. He’s Doomed.

Yes it's a pony. But it could have been a pic of Lindsey Graham. Count your blessings.
Loath though we are to ever say anything especially nice about Lindsey Graham, given his penchant for wanting to send Americans to bomb as many distant lands as possible, we have to give him an “attaboy” on his remarkably sane remarks about climate change on that Seth Meyers TV show t’other night. Read more on Lindsey Graham Isn’t A Scientist, But He Thinks Scientists Know Stuff. He’s Doomed….
  A Piece In Our Time

Iran Nuclear Deal Will Either Usher In New Era Of Peace Or End Of Civilization As We Know It

Thanks to whoever already did this with Ahmedinejad instead of Hitler; we've updated to Rouhani
An agreement to limit Iran’s nuclear development has been reached between Iran and the United States, plus five other nations that were so important to the negotiations that the New York Times named them all in the 33rd paragraph of its story on the deal. While President Barack Obama said the agreement is “not built on trust, it is built on verification,” many representatives of Israel in the U.S. Congress have complained that the deal is terrible and will lead to Iranian domination of the Middle East, the destruction of Israel, and probably gun confiscation and abortions, because everything Obama does will lead to those. The agreement is the result of a framework that Iran and the U.S. agreed to in April. Read more on Iran Nuclear Deal Will Either Usher In New Era Of Peace Or End Of Civilization As We Know It…
  Here have some news n stuff

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a “quite distinctive man” with a quite distinctive flag: Read more on CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs…
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…
  Give them another five years

Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One

It's like health care only different
The highest court of unelected activist judges in the whole Us of America declared, for the second time, that Obamacare haters need to hush now and take a nap because that shit is kosher, yo. Which does not mean the Republican Party or any of its “presidential” “candidates” are going to do that. The Affordable Care Act may be the super-duper twice-certified constitutional law of the land, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be repealed and replaced with something even MORE better, dunno what yet, that’s not what matters right now! Read more on Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One…