Matt Green, founder of the “Christian office and educational supply store chain” Mardel, has pledged to bail Oral Roberts University out of its financial dregs with a donation of $70 million. Green will give $8 million immediately and the remaining $62 million after a thorough review of the school’s financial records. We assume that if he doesn’t see the phrase “Jesusery = happiness” 62 million times in these records, then the deal is off! Green’s donation is a direct result of his Christian altruism, and he doesn’t want any influence in the University’s affairs. Oh, except for the two board of regents seats he is demanding for his family. MORE »

Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, who has been on a leave of absence since Cocktober, resigned Friday, effective immediately. Satan’s forces are advancing! The pants party don’t never stop. [AP]

The Senate Finance Committee has some whacky notion that prominent televangelists might be engaging in some Church-sponsored hypocrisy. Yeah yeah, politicians are always looking for scandals so that they might “pass laws” or whatever, but this one might have some legs. Sen. Charles Grassley, the ranking Republican on the committee, has requested that six ministries turn over certain financial records by Dec. 6, because he thinks said books may have been… sauteed? But Grassley clearly has no case, since three of the televangelists heading these ministries are members of the Board of Regents at Oral Roberts University, a sleepover camp for Jesus that’s scot-free of recent scandals. MORE »

Amid allegations that his son, on-leave Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, and daughter-in-law, Lindsay Roberts, were hiring perverted hobbits and having sex with 16-year-old hobbits (respectively), Oral “the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female” Roberts himself has returned to the Tulsa school for the first time in three years. Mostly to talk about Satan, an archetypal figure we fully endorse. MORE »

Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts announced yesterday that he will take a leave of absence from his position of 14 years. It comes in the wake of a lawsuit filed by three ex-ORU professors claiming that Roberts and the administration knowingly employed a proven sexual deviant and let him run all willy-nilly about campus. The lawsuit also accused his wife, Lindsay Roberts, of screwing a 16-year-old boy, a situation in which we fail to see the controversy. MORE »

Oral Roberts University is like one of those super-Christian schools, so whenever there’s even a vague rumor or allegation about sexual misconduct among its leadership, we’re obligated to spread it, spread it more and continue spreading it forever and always long past its expiration date. And then if it turns out we missed a certain corner, we will add a second coat of spreading it. Onward! MORE »

It’s October, so why is it still so goddamn hot? And why are politicians still getting busted for perversions and sexcapades? Is this Cummer truly Endless? Or is this merely — as one of you commenters probably coined back in some long-ago post (this one?) — an Indian Cummer?* After the jump, join us in taking a quick glance at Cocktober’s Long, Long Tail — starring that Louisiana Bathroom Goblin, Gay Escorts, and, uh, something called an “Oral Roberts.”

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