Wonkette

Now that Hillary has decided to extort the Democratic party, she has officially become less trustworthy than Dick Morris, the Clintons’ evil former strategist who now wishes them both dead. This means we can quote Dick Morris’ column and assume his claims are true, because why not? On today’s agenda: that time Hillary Clinton said Chelsea was hanging out by the Twin Towers on 9/11, and how she wasn’t at all. MORE »

In light of the Sinbad-Bosnia scandal, Hillary’s entire history of funny Tuff Guy statements is being reexamined. This process alone could endure well past Hillary’s lifetime. But here’s a fun treat: In 1994, Hillary says she thought about joining the Marines in 1975, but then the recruiter made robotic sexist statements about her, so she decided to become a Monster instead. MORE »

Hey, good news, Democratic voters: Whether your candidate of choice is the lady with 35 years of experience dodging sniper bullets with Sinbad or the freshman senator from Illinois who likes to talk about the “hard work” he devotes to bills he doesn’t write, you support a fraud. Yes, that’s right! In spite of their tough talk, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are both politicians, which is to say liars, who lie about their records and what important people they are. MORE »

It is truly remarkable that the most effective dismisser of a Hillary Clinton lie this campaign season has been Sinbad, the comedian who can most generously be described as “the poor man’s Arsenio Hall.” Sinbad — with his role in challenging Clinton about the nature of a 1996 joint trip to Bosnia — has courageously realized that if he can’t be funny himself, he can make Hillary Clinton the funniest person in the world. Hillary said just this week about the trip, “I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.” Now watch this delightful piece of YouTube that is making the rounds. Maybe… maybe that little girl on the tarmac was packing heat! Throw her under the bus! [via Washington Post]

Three British cheers to the Guardian for reading millions of newly released pages of Hillary Clinton’s First Lady schedules. They’ve excavated the first few morsels of hilarity in what’s guaranteed to be a goldmine:

On the day that dozens of US cruise missiles rained down on Serbia in an attempt to punish Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic for the country’s onslaught against ethnic Albanian separatists in Kosovo, first lady Hillary Clinton was far from the White House war room: instead she was touring ancient Egyptian ruins, including King Tut’s tomb and the temple of Hatshepsut. And on the day before the signing of the Good Friday agreement in Belfast she was at an event called “Hats on for Bella” in Washington.

Maybe when she says “I’m running for president” she’s also lying; she’s actually been touring the Grand Canyon for the last 14 months. [Guardian]

You know that congressman from Arizona who brought shame on his family of 12 children when he got indicted today in some very complicated scheme that had, unfortunately, nothing to do with attractive lobbyists or underaged congressional pages? Well, there are two things that make his long-anticipated “fall from grace” hilarious even if this scandal is not terribly sexy, gross, or weird. MORE »

Thanks to the Washington Post’s new “Fact Checker” feature, we know that when Fred Thompson claimed that more Americans “have shed more blood for other people’s liberty than any other combination of nations in the history of the world,” he wasn’t making any goddamn sense at all. [WP]

Oh right, so the President’s Iraq talk. We were at a party, we did not actually watch it, but we read the transcript. Or at least the Washington Post’s summary of the transcript. The first couple paragraphs, anyway. It’s all pretty confusing! MORE »

Yesterday Arlen Specter told everyone that he wouldn’t comment on Alberto Gonzales until Tuesday afternoon, when the White House would send him a very special letter explaining that Gonzo didn’t lie about anything. Specter gave the White House until noon to deliver this letter, which would be full of fun surprises and he’d release it to the media for all of us to enjoy. It’s a little after three now, and the funny thing is, there’s no letter!

According to Leahy’s office, the letter hasn’t arrived yet. No one knows yet if this is because the administration is refusing to comply or because they’re just really backed up right now and they’ll get to it later. Probably the first one, though.

Specter hasn’t said what he’s going to do about this yet, but if past performance is any indication, he’ll kinda bitch about it and then he’ll roll right over.

We’ve taken the liberty of writing our own letter, so Arlen doesn’t feel so bad about being ignored.

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Now the Senate wants to go after Gonzo! While the House is trying to find him in Contempt of Congress, Senators are asking the Solicitor General to appoint an independent counsel to figure out if Al perjured himself when he lied, repeatedly, under oath. They’re asking the Solicitor General because all Justice Department officials have recused themselves. MORE »