In the third sentence of his column today, New York Times “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol hilariously calls himself “your diligent columnist.” This, perhaps knowingly, wonderfully set up his weekly error and scandalous cover-up. MORE »

The only thing that would cheer us up if Bill Kristol loses next year’s Pulitzer Prize for commentary would be a victory for Washington Post “moderate liberal” columnist Richard Cohen instead. If you haven’t been following this guy recently then you know NOTHING. Oh, the prose-poetry of his sentences! One gorgeous conjunction masterfully gives way to a brilliant proper noun, brought to life by an effervescent transitive verb and wrung to a world-historical clincher with yet another brilliant proper noun. Recently, Cohen has told us about his “keen eye” and the wretched “tattoos” plastering our children these days. In today’s column, Cohen shares the following: John McCain is a maverick, while Barack Obama is a youth! MORE »

Meghan “Blogette” McCain, the princess daughter of John McCain and his second trophy wife Cindy, has sewn up a children’s book deal. It sounds frightening, according to what she says in a publisher’s statement: “I am truly excited about the opportunity to write a children’s book about my father, who is not only a fantastic dad, but also a great American. This book will offer children the unique opportunity to see the character building events that happened over his lifetime, experiences that led up to his current bid to become the future President of the United States.” Hey children, this is called P-R-O-P-A-G-A-N-D-A. It means “she is finding a pleasing way to sell you terrible lies.” Also, children? She does not have a job, because she is spoiled! She is not your role model. [AP]

There is a terrible “wagon” in politics that people ride when they don’t want to have fun anymore. When you are on this wagon, you do not smoke or drink or do amphetamines or masturbate. It appears that Barack Obama, having ridden in the non-smoking section of this wagon, has fallen off it, and now he is a secret Cigarette Goblin again. Except because he is famous, and running for president, this is not a secret to anyone. MORE »

John McCain is now trying to court the Women’s Christian Temperance Union from Hillary Clinton’s stable — even though she was a lush — by nixing every Beer Bill that comes his way. Here’s what he said at his “small business” (major corporate) address today: “I will veto every single beer, um, bill with earmarks.” It’s funny because he won’t do either of those things. Liberal. Oh and he also made a joke about how he crashes expensive military planes: “In speaking about his proposal for joint town hall meetings with Obama, McCain said — following the prepared remarks — that he would like to travel with his rival by air. Then, going off script, the famously-downed navy pilot said, ‘I promise not to try to fly.’” Ha ha, because he might accidentally firebomb innocent families! [First Read]

This saucy minx is Becky Miller, the mayor of Carrollton, Texas, a Dallas suburb with 116,000 wonderful inhabitants. According to herself, she has dated and sung with all sorts of popular musicians from the 1970s, and her brother once died in Vietnam. But perhaps her crowning achievement is that she made all of this stuff up. MORE »

This Chelsea Clinton, she’s going places. In the 2044 election she will go straight to the third-place finish in the Democratic primary, with Malia Obama in first and Hillary Clinton in second. This is because she has learned to tell hilarious lies, much like her working-class mother and pink father. She has been going on about how a couple of guys in New Hampshire yelled out at her, “Iron my shirt!” and that they were dead serious, and sexist, and you should vote for Hillary Clinton. But the two dudes (who are probably still awful) were New England radio hosts doing it as a complete prank. They love women after all! Why does Chelsea continue to lie about their INTENTIONS? MORE »

Because words and details matter, and all of Barack Obama’s words and details are wrong, he cannot be President. You see, he said that he used to be a professor at the University of Chicago Law School when in fact he was a lecturer and then a senior lecturer, which is a kind of professor. Patrick Leahy needs to tell this guy to get out of the race because his lies are just getting embarrassing. MORE »

Now that Hillary has decided to extort the Democratic party, she has officially become less trustworthy than Dick Morris, the Clintons’ evil former strategist who now wishes them both dead. This means we can quote Dick Morris’ column and assume his claims are true, because why not? On today’s agenda: that time Hillary Clinton said Chelsea was hanging out by the Twin Towers on 9/11, and how she wasn’t at all. MORE »

In light of the Sinbad-Bosnia scandal, Hillary’s entire history of funny Tuff Guy statements is being reexamined. This process alone could endure well past Hillary’s lifetime. But here’s a fun treat: In 1994, Hillary says she thought about joining the Marines in 1975, but then the recruiter made robotic sexist statements about her, so she decided to become a Monster instead. MORE »

Hey, good news, Democratic voters: Whether your candidate of choice is the lady with 35 years of experience dodging sniper bullets with Sinbad or the freshman senator from Illinois who likes to talk about the “hard work” he devotes to bills he doesn’t write, you support a fraud. Yes, that’s right! In spite of their tough talk, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are both politicians, which is to say liars, who lie about their records and what important people they are. MORE »