Tag Archives: lies

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  fuck it we'll do it live!

Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
Oh hey guys, some shocking and unfathomable breaking news: Bill O’Reilly repeatedly said he was somewhere and saw something when he was not in fact there and did not in fact see that thing — to the fainting couch, we know! — but it’s you liberal pinheads’ fault for not understanding the utter greatness and unimpeachable veracity of Bill O’Reilly, Hero of the People 17 Octogenarians Who Still Watch Cable News. And what did Bill-O — last seen lying about witnessing a JFK assassination figure’s suicide even though he was, you know, in a completely different city — say this time for you dumb hippies to intentionally misconstrue, because something something character assassination something something Benghazi? Read more on Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)…
  The Glassy-Eyed Knoll

Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane

Don't be silly. Everyone knows O'Reilly doesn't know how to play bass
For fans of Bill O’Reilly in full red-faced “I never said what I obviously said” mode, the next couple days should be fun. No, Bill O’Reilly was not at a Kennedy assassination figure’s suicide, Deep Throat’s parking garage, or the moon landing. Read more on Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane…
  The Once And Future King Of Derp

Obama Will Force Priests To ‘Bortion Anchor Babies, Says Noted Idiot Jim Hoft

Jim Hoft
Last year, mop-topped pus bubble Jim Hoft lost his coveted Stupidest Man on the Internet title to alpha male newcomer Chuck Johnson. Yr Wonket is pleased to see that Hoft is mounting a determined campaign to regain his tin crown, and if he keeps churning out ledes like this one, he’ll be back on top in no time. True champions use adversity as motivation, and if the right-wing id has a true champion, it’s definitely Jim fuckin’ Hoft. Read more on Obama Will Force Priests To ‘Bortion Anchor Babies, Says Noted Idiot Jim Hoft…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Usually, Yr Wonket has some discretion regarding which Palin-flavored entrees we will shove down your throats each weekend on the Fartknocker Report. Unfortunately, this was one of those weeks when the Tundra Grifter couldn’t be bothered to do more than one take for a single two-minute-long video. So open wide, we guess, because here comes Sarah to misrepresent some facts about the House’s recent abortion bill. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!…
  lies and the lying liars who tell them

BREAKING: George Bush Never Lied About WMDs, Was Gullible Idiot All Along

He looks a little like George Tenet.
Far be it from us to argue with one of the esteemed legal minds responsible for exonerating Oliver North, but this editorial by Judge Laurence Silberman arguing against the proposition that George W. Bush lied the country into war with Iraq is some rank garbage. Plus it puts us on the same side of an issue as human thumb Ron Fournier, which is not the way we want to begin our Monday. Read more on BREAKING: George Bush Never Lied About WMDs, Was Gullible Idiot All Along…
  Misty Watercolored Memories Of The Way We War

Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway

Williams definitely remembers that trench coat
After apologizing for saying he’d been aboard a helicopter that was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade in 2003, Brian Williams announced this weekend that he is taking himself off the NBC Nightly News for several days because “it has become painfully apparent to me that I am presently too much a part of the news, due to my actions.” Yes, maybe just a little. Our favorite part of the whole brouhaha is seeing Williams called an outrageous liar by rightwing blogs that have spent years insisting Barack Obama is a probably-Muslim illegal alien who instituted a socialist government takeover of health care that includes death panels. The real question, of course, is whether it was Brian Williams who gave the stand-down order in Benghazi. Read more on Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  Death Panels For Your Bandwidth

Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality

Then WHO WAS PHONE?
As we have established pretty clearly, Ted Cruz doesn’t know a damned thing about Net Neutrality, and he is also quite proud of his ignorance. So proud that he even wrote a whole column full of stupid, in which he repeated his Twitter catchphrase and then added more pure wrongness: Read more on Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality…
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites who are pretending to hedge a little, “This Video Appears To Show A Guy Stuffing Hundreds Of Ballots Into A Ballot Box.” Read more on Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next….
  A 100% Factual Article About Things That Are True

Some Jerk Trolled All The Conservatives About Lena Dunham What A Jerk

Separated at Birth?
From our good pal and Happy Nice Time People alumnus Kaleb Horton comes an epic tale of Mistaken Reading. Usually, the “fake thing mistaken for real thing” stories we most often see result from some poor doofus getting taken in by a satirical fake-news (or just stupid fake-news) website, like that one congressman who thought the Onion’s Abortionplex story was true, or the Defenders of Christmas who called for the head of a nonexistent teacher at a real school. This time, though, we bring you Kaleb’s story of how he accidentally fooled some wingnuts into thinking that Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl included a passage on the excesses of capitalism. Read more on Some Jerk Trolled All The Conservatives About Lena Dunham What A Jerk…
  We Have Met The Emesis And He Is Us

Stupidest Men On The Internet Just Vomiting Ebola Errrewhere

Hey, it's not ponies...
Stupidest Man in the World Jim Hoft and Stupidest Guest-Blogger in the World Kristinn Taylor have done their part to help Americans concerned about the Texas Ebola case. They cut right through all the facts and medical information out there, and get straight to the screaming fits of panic we’ve all been longing for. On Wednesday, Hoft posted this headline, designed to clearly and calmly inform his readers of the simple facts: “BREAKING>>> Dallas Ebola Patient VOMITED WILDLY Outside Apartment On Way to Hospital.” And then, Thursday, Hoft ran a Taylor story that set some new records for sheer dishonest bullshittery: “What Quarantine?… Photos Show MEN CLEANING TX EBOLA VOMIT Without SUITS!” Read more on Stupidest Men On The Internet Just Vomiting Ebola Errrewhere…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  Falsifier Falsifier Trousers Aflame!

Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys

Chris Heben shows off his wounds from the Race War
The nice gentleman with all the stitches up there is Chris Heben, of Medina, Ohio. He is a retired Navy SEAL who approaches life with the gusto you’d expect of an American Hero, which is why he has been a frequent guest expert on CNN and Fox News. As his website explains, “Immediately following the termination of Osama Bin Laden … Chris emerged as the news media’s most featured special operations subject matter expert.” Read more on Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys…
  motel hell

Stupidest Men On Internet Demand Apology From Wonket, Here It Is

Well! It seems that after their crappy reporting was debunked, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft and Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor are demanding an apology from all us mean old lefties for a “vicious smear campaign” against them. In a piece largely aimed at Charles Johnson, who has led the debunking at Little Green Footballs, Mr. Taylor demands “major apologies” from everyone — including Yr Wonkette — who criticized Gateway Pundit’s error-filled report claiming that the federal government was opening a “$50 million luxury resort for illegal children, complete with tennis Courts, sauna & pools.” We would like to submit our apology to Mssrs. Taylor and Hoft right now: We’re very sorry that both of you are A Idiot, you syphilitic dicks. Read more on Stupidest Men On Internet Demand Apology From Wonket, Here It Is…
  fuck the troops

Sarah Palin Brings Her Patented Wit To Bear On Refudiating Strawman Bergdahl Story

Sarah Palin posted an example of rightwing comedy on her Faceplace thing Tuesday with some hilarious riffs on the absurd notion that Bowe Bergdahl has “forgotten how to speak English” — which isn’t something that anyone in Bergdahl’s family has really claimed, of course; we’ll get to that after the jump. But first, let’s enjoy Sarah’s super funny mockery of a U.S. soldier, because mocking The Troops is what all the cool kids are doing these days. Read more on Sarah Palin Brings Her Patented Wit To Bear On Refudiating Strawman Bergdahl Story…
 

Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Racism, Declares Ben Stein

Ben Stein, the man who introduced America to Jimmy Kimmel, has written a piece for the American Spectator about how the South is pretty much the best and racism is dead forever. Gather ’round, and let’s tear apart Ben Stein’s neo-Confederate paean to the glories of the New South. This is a story of what has been accomplished in the South, and in particular in Greenville, over the years. This is a city on the move, very likely the most rapidly growing industrial center in the South. It has no time for hate or racial fear. No time for hate in Greenville, SC, huh Ben? That would come as a surprise to Sean Kennedy, who was punched to death in 2007 outside a Greenville bar for the crime of being a gay man. Keep reachin’ for that rainbow, and then getting punched so hard that your brain comes loose from your spine, Ben. Does Ben Stein make other revisionist claims about the New South? You bet your sweet D.W. Griffith Blu-Ray Collection he does! We read the whole stupid thing so you don’t have to. Here’s some of the highlights. Read more on Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Racism, Declares Ben Stein…
  dispatches from butthurtistan

Return Of The Lucky Duckies: Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Wishes He Was Poor So He Could Live It Up

Hey, kids, remember when the Wall Street Journal started using the charming phrase “lucky duckies” to refer to those high-living Poors who don’t pay any taxes at all, except for payroll taxes, sales taxes, Social Security tax, property tax added to rentals, etc? Would you believe that was back in 2002, and that Tom the Dancing Bug has been mocking it since then, and do you feel really old now? Well have we got news for you! Lucky Duckies are back, even though they never really went away, of course. On Fox’s The Five Tuesday, congealing sack of rancid hobbit semen* Greg Gutfeld took the occasion of Tax Day to not only complain about those lucky poors who don’t have to pay no federal income tax, but also to pretty much lie about them, too, because that is how he roll. Read more on Return Of The Lucky Duckies: Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Wishes He Was Poor So He Could Live It Up…
  back in the addled again

Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox

Failed “Wyoming” Senatorial candidate Liz Cheney has triumphantly returned to her previous job as a Fox News contributor, proving that government assistance to the unemployed is not needed when you’re a friend of the conservative mediaplex. After a spectacularly unsuccessful challenge to incumbent Sen. Mike Enzi, Cheney ended her campaign in January, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. We hope her re-emergence on cable TV means that whoever/whatever that was has gotten much better. Wonder if her sister is talking to her yet? Read more on Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox…
  double downer

Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts

Remember that Michigan lady with leukemia, Julie Boonstra, who couldn’t afford her Obamacare insurance because it cost $500 less per month than her old plan that Obama personally death paneled? The one in the Americans for Plutocracy Prosperity ad? The one that Harry Reid spit on when she returned home from Vietnam? Well, you probably thought that after the Washington Post’s Glenn Kessler found her story to be somewhat reality-challenged, that she was licked. Well, she’s NOT licked, and she’s going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if teh Internetz gets filled with lies like these here not-lies. Boonstra is continuing to dance on the Koch brothers’ strings stick it to The Man, with a NEW AFP video that Fights Back against the Chicago-style thug tactics of Rep. Gary Peters, who is running for Senate in Michigan in the little spare time he has left over from breaking the kneecaps of local TV station owners. This hard-hitting (Oscar bait?) film shows a lone, brave woman, attended only by an entourage of paid lobbyists with professional video equipment, marching right up to the door of Peters’ lair and leaving a letter shoved in the door handle. BOOM! Ya burnt, yo! Boonstra then vows not to be silenced, which we would be a little more worried about if “silenced” didn’t mean “discouraged from running provably false political ads on broadcast teevee.” Mainly, we had questions, like why didn’t she call ahead to see if Peters was home, or just e-mail him like a normal person? Or buy a stamp, for crissake; the Postal Service is BEGGING you. Read more on Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts…
  sects fiend

Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals

Oh, boy, campers, looks like V-Jack is on a tear again! This time, she has discovered that there are a lot of books in public schools that she disagrees with! Just try and decipher this paragraph, which is not from a public school textbook, but from the blog of Victoria Jackson, which is a woman, that, wants to fix the schools so they are, better and more good, too: The current textbooks being used in public schools today, that your children are reading, memorizing and being tested on, are inaccurate, revisionist, anti-American, racist, climate change propaganda based on fake science, anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, pro-Islam, Marxist, globalist, pro-Socialism/Communism, pro-homosexuality, pro-abortion, and sexually explicit. Below is a list of examples and… who wrote the Pearson Publishing textbooks, that TN schools are now using. (Related story, as of Dec. 2013, Pearson Foundation fined millions for violating laws. Story here.) That sure was a cogent argument for why children need a better education than Victoria Jackson received, wouldn’t you all agree? Read more on Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals…