Tag Archives: libya

  document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Giving the orders for BENGHAZI?????!?!!!!?
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots…
  House Investigative committees have a well-known liberal bias

Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’

Even though the Benghazi “scandal” has been investigated approximately eleventy-nine times (seven to be specific), and even though the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee did their OWN investigation, and all seven of these investigations found absolutely no scandal, you are probably aware that the Republican House is currently investigating Benghazi for an eighth time. Why? Well obviously, dum-dum, because House Republican investigatin’ committees have a WELL KNOWN LIBERAL BIAS, and they just know that Republicans are trying to hide the facts about what REALLY happened in Benghazi, from themselves! Of course, we completely know what happened in Benghazi, except that NO WE DO NOT, let’s keep asking the same things until we get the answers we want, at which point, INPEACH! Read more on Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’…
  middle east for dummies

Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings

Yes you do and it's adorable!
Half-bright tree sloth Rand Paul seems to have decided the path to victory in the presidential election runs right over the doddering, soulless meatsuit d/b/a Hillary Clinton. So Paul has spent months needling the former secretary of state with all the puffed-up ferocity of a school of guppies. His most recent charge? That Hillary Clinton caused the rise of ISIS in Syria and Iraq by waging war in … Libya. Read more on Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings…
  Now What Is This A Distraction From Again?

House Benghazi Committee To Investigate House Benghazi Committee

We're just kidding. Nobody's sitting calmly and playing cards in this one.
In a development that absolutely no one could have predicted if they were a blind cave fish happily feeding on isopods in a subterranean lake, it appears that there are Deep Partisan Rifts on the House Select Committee on Benghazi, which is definitely going to get to the true truth about the 2012 attack, unlike the previous seven congressional investigations that found no actual wrongdoing. Democrats on the committee complain that they are being shut out of interviews with witnesses, in several cases only finding out that Republicans had interviewed those witnesses from press reports. And committee chair Trey Gowdy has so far refused even to agree to rules for how the committee will operate. Read more on House Benghazi Committee To Investigate House Benghazi Committee…
  And Now Benghazi Is No Longer An Issue

House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox

Still missing an H
Photo by Beth Ethier, from last year’s Obama Arrest Party In a classic Friday news dump – the favored method for releasing information when you hope the fewest people will notice — the House Intelligence Committee released the results of its Great Big Benghazi Inquiry yesterday afternoon, and boy oh boy does it have some devastating news for the Incompetent Tyrant Obama: He’s still a tyrant, because executive orders, but OK, maybe, um, there wasn’t actually anything fishy going on at the diplomatic compound in Libya. Let’s just go with the AP’s lede, which clarifies exactly why this is terrible news for wingnuts (or would be, were they not impermeable to facts): Read more on House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox…
  Shocked and Awed

BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars

Here we go again. Another House committee, controlled by Republicans, has issued yet another wackadoodle report about BENGHAZI. Are we going to finally find out that President Obama was taking body shots off of Hillary at the time of the attack, laughing about telling everyone to “stand down”? What kind of conspiracy-tinged bullshit will be served up this time? Read more on BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars…
  hhs tells issa to suck it

No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?

When we first read this article about notorious cosmic dingleberry Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole), we seriously had a newsgasm. After cleaning up our computer screen, we have been laughing ever since, because… well, this is just so awesome, even though it is from Politico: The Health and Human Services Department told… Chairman Darrell Issa [R-CA] that it won’t turn over documents related to the security of the Healthcare.gov website because it can’t trust him to keep secret information that could give hackers a roadmap to wreak havoc on the system. Issa is apparently none too happy, last seen stomping his feet and whining and carrying on, showing his true colors as a shitty little titty-baby. Come, fellow wonkeroos of wonklandia, let’s awesomesplore an agency finally calling out Issa for being the despicable rat-fucking piece of human filth that he is.  Read more on No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps

Happy Saturday, you slugabeds! As you blearily try to shake off the residue of last night’s revelries, pour yourself another cuppa joe and treat yourself to a serving of our weekly concatenation of clinking, clanking, caligenous junk from the interwebs that was too stoopid to ignore altogether but that didn’t quite merit a full-length post. And we’ll even start your descent into hell gently, with a bad-news story that’s got a Nice Times kicker. By now, you’ve probably heard that Guido Barilla, the chairman of Italy’s Barilla pasta proudly joined the asshat brigade last week with his vow that the company’s ads would never feature same-sex families: “I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don’t agree with them. Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role … In the interview, Barilla said he opposed adoption by gay parents, but was in favour of allowing gay marriage, which is not legal in Italy. … If gays “like our pasta and our advertising, they’ll eat our pasta, if they don’t like it then they will not eat it and they will eat another brand,” he said. Pretty impressive how he manages to dismiss both gays and women in a single statement there. The inevitable agita and talk of boycotts ensued, and Barilla issued one of those “sorry if anyone was offended” not-pologies. So there’s that. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps…
  go team benghazi!

Benghazi, Part Eleventy Billion: The Return Of The Revenge Of The Bride Of Benghazi

It has been some time since we have heard anything about our old friend BENGHAAAAAAAZI!!111!!!! We are of course referring to the insidious act a year ago when Hillary Clinton traveled via wormhole to Libya to smother Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans with her vagina while one of her vast army of clones went to the White House to roofie President Obama, drag him out to the putting green on the South Lawn, and leave him to wake up thirteen hours later clutching a bloody nine-iron in his hand with vague memories of pummeling American heroes to death in a frenzy of murderous rage. It’s really the only scenario that makes sense. Ferret-faced yard gnome Darrell Issa has been hot on the trail of the cover-up. Yesterday he dragged Admiral Mike Mullen and Thomas Pickering, the two chairs of the State Department’s Accountability Review Board on the incident, up to Capitol Hill for yet another hearing to get to the bottom of what is apparently the Marianas Trench of scandals. Maybe Issa should call in James Cameron and his bathyscaphe. Read more on Benghazi, Part Eleventy Billion: The Return Of The Revenge Of The Bride Of Benghazi…
  somebody's been hitting the penis wine

Rush Limbaugh Decides Valerie Jarrett Did Benghazi, Probably Under Telepathic Orders From Bo The Dog

The wingnut narrative on last year’s Benghazi attacks is starting to remind us of that Onion headline where all the Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories were simultaneously true. This latest Benghazi story sounds completely plausible: a right-wing blogger has been told by “confidential sources” that all the big decisions on Sept 11, 2012, were made by Barack Obama’s senior advisor Valerie Jarrett, who personally ordered the military to “stand down” and not blow up all the terrorists. The story also completely invents an AC-130 gunship that it says was sitting on the tarmac in Tripoli, ready to go, but was ordered not to attack. By a civilian advisor to the President. No, not that one, another one. Since the story is complete bullshit that is contradicted by the testimony of people who were actually involved, it was immediately repeated by Rush Limbaugh today. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Decides Valerie Jarrett Did Benghazi, Probably Under Telepathic Orders From Bo The Dog…
  Won't Fox Stop Thinking Of These Children?

Eric Bolling Tastefully Imagines Obama Daughters’ Violent Deaths In Benghazi

Well, here’s a perfectly legitimate rhetorical question from Fox’s irritable bowel, Eric Bolling. Just suppose that instead of being full of career diplomats and CIA agents, the U.S. diplomatic mission in Benghazi had been defended by Sasha and Malia Obama, or maybe Chelsea Clinton, or perhaps an assortment of baby harp seals and adorable kittens? “Don’t you think we’d be asking different questions” about Benghazi if the Obama daughters had been “pinned down with mortars coming in” and then these “precious children” had died? Yes, Eric. We think you would be asking questions like these: Read more on Eric Bolling Tastefully Imagines Obama Daughters’ Violent Deaths In Benghazi…
  Hearings But Not Listenings

GOP Benghazi Hearings Don’t Support Conspiracy Claims, As If That Matters

The GOP-led hearings on Benghazi have started, and so of course it’s time for Barack Obama to just resign already, isn’t it? Or get impeached? Surely these hearings will be the last nail in his coffin, since they will definitively establish that during the attacks, Barack & Hillary just sat around painting each other’s toes and watching Gossip Girl while Brave Americans Died. Also, Obama very definitely told would-be rescuers to “stand down,” because he’s incompetent/weak/a secret Muslim who loves terrists, etc., and there’s no other explanation, right? So what did we find out from the whistleblowers? Not a whole heck of a lot, and nothing to back the wingnut conspiracy claims. Not that this really makes a difference of course, because there’s all sorts of nuance to ignore. Think Progress has a nice rundown of guns that didn’t smoke, and WaPo’s liveblog of the hearings is also pretty good; we’ll just focus on a couple of highlights here. Prepare yourself, dear readers, to not be shocked! Read more on GOP Benghazi Hearings Don’t Support Conspiracy Claims, As If That Matters…
  Me Libya Long Time

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher’s New Very Sane Benghazi Theory: Obama Let Ambassador Die To Win Reelection

Delusional surfin’ fuckstick Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R – The Taliban), not having access to any actual dead horses or a riding crop, returned yesterday to one of his favorite topics, the still utterly mysterious events of September 11, 2012, in Benghazi, Libya. We presume maybe you’ve heard something about that? It seems that Rep. Rohrabacher (We will just call him RepRohr, and imagine his name being said by George Jetson’s dog Astro) has a new theory about what happened: Barack Obama gave some thought to sending a rescue mission, but decided to sit back and let Ambassador Chris Stevens die because he is both weaker and more Machiavellian than Jimmy Carter. Makes sense to us, dood. Read more on Rep. Dana Rohrabacher’s New Very Sane Benghazi Theory: Obama Let Ambassador Die To Win Reelection…
  Fog of WTF?

Congresscritter Louie Gohmert: Why’d Obama Go And Kill That Nice Kaddafi?

Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Edge Of Obscurity), after a political season in which his sterling record of saying pure unadulterated crazy shit was nearly eclipsed by the likes of Todd Akin and Allen West, would just like to tell these young upstarts to sit back and watch how an professional goes Full Gohmert. And so, speaking on one-note paranoid Frank “Sharia is Creeping Into My Pants” Gaffney’s radio show, Rep. Gohmert offered a creative new twist on the thesis that the President of the United States is secretly a Muslin who wants to establish a Worldwide Caliphate. Gaffney, you may recall, is the genius who thought Obama forced the US Missile Defense Agency to change its logo to incorporate an Islamic crescent to signal his “submission to Shariah,” and latter waged war against the letter “C” for similar reasons. Read more on Congresscritter Louie Gohmert: Why’d Obama Go And Kill That Nice Kaddafi?…
  Still Not Watergate

Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi

Egad! Horrible lying liar Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Mike Morrell met with senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and new amiga Kelly Ayotte, and she scurrilously admitted that what she said on TV talk shows five days after the Benghazi attacks was factually incorrect because she didn’t have all the facts at the time she said that the attack was being investigated. McCain, Graham, and Ayotte immediately told reporters that the real scandal here is that when Rice went on TV, she said a thing that turned out not to be true, simply because the CIA had told her that thing, and instead of simply saying “we don’t know,” she said that they thought maybe it was one thing, but they were still looking into it. How dare she mislead the American people like that! No, really, that is the actual controversy, as near as we can figure out. Read more on Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi…
  Terror a New One

GOP Congressman Spitty With Fury Over Susan Rice’s Benghazi ‘Lies’

Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-The Taliban) is very, VERY concerned about all the lies that the Obama Administration has been telling about Benghazi, and so to even things up, he has some lies of his own to tell! On Fox News, Rohrabacher told Greta Van Susteren that he was convinced that U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice lied like crazy about the attacks when discussing them on Sunday talk shows five days later: “They knew within a matter of hours, if not right away, that this was an organized, armed hit job by al-Qaida, probably, but an organized, commanded effort to murder our people,” Rohrabacher charged, dismissing Rice’s assertion that “movie rage,” as the congressman put it, was the catalyst behind the attack. “That was a lie. They knew it was lie when they said it,” the California Republican said. “When they sent out Ambassador Rice to all the talk shows, they knew that was not the truth. When you tell something that’s not the truth to the American people, especially in the middle of a crisis, they shouldn’t expect to get away with it and be forgiven.” Oh, except that’s kind of not really what Rice said? That’s probably all right, though, since it’s on Fox, so getting something only half right is a step up for them? Read more on GOP Congressman Spitty With Fury Over Susan Rice’s Benghazi ‘Lies’…
  For Once We're Rooting For The CIA Guys

Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time

As you may have noticed, the Wingnut Noise Machine is seriously pushing the notion that President Obama deliberately sat back and did nothing when a Libyan militia attacked the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi on Sept. 11, apparently because he is either incompetent (the “charitable” view) or because he just plain hates America that much (the “reasonable doubt exists” view). It turns out that, according to intelligence officials, CIA agents stationed in Benghazi actually did come to the aid of the Consulate, as did a second CIA team sent from Tripoli, and Libyan military forces helped the surviving Americans get to the airport to escape after the attack. The officials also directly refuted Fox News’ claims that the CIA was ordered to “stand down,” and also dismissed the notion that airstrikes could have helped anyone in the consulate: “Let’s say we were able to get an aircraft there. Do you go in and start strafing a populated area without knowing where friend or foe is?” a senior Defense official asked. “If you did that, you could kill the very people you are trying to help.” Read more on Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time…
  at long last sirs have you left no sense of decency?

Despite Best Effort, Geraldo Rivera Unable To Convince Fox & Friends Barack Obama Did Not Personally Murder Amb. Christopher Stevens

Well this is very interesting/terrifying/depressing/thrilling/outrageous! (And it’s from Media Matters, obvs, we will just hang out all day on their site, clicking refresh, apparently.) What you have above is Geraldo Rivera being righteously, Jesus-in-the-temple-with-the-moneychangers PISSED about how Fox News is leading Americans “down the primrose path” and “OBSCENELY LYING” regarding Barack Obama pretty much personally giving the Libyan militias orders to kill our ambassador Christopher Stevens. (Interestingly, we also agree with him on his two points regarding on which avenues of inquiry we’d like to get fuller administration answers.) Disregard Geraldo’s self-congratulations on having the wit and insight to have been the one to come up with the name “Benghazigate,” and let yourself drift until he starts yelling. Because YELL HE DOES. Read more on Despite Best Effort, Geraldo Rivera Unable To Convince Fox & Friends Barack Obama Did Not Personally Murder Amb. Christopher Stevens…
  Failure to Deploy Wizards Also Faulted

Fox News Reveals Obama ‘Watched’ Benghazi Attack But Failed To Invade Grenada

Wingnuts, led as usual by Fox News, are flogging a brand new alternate history of the Sept. 11 attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, in which Barack Obama knew exactly what was going on, refused to launch a rescue mission, ordered the CIA to “stand down,” and maybe shot Ambassador Chris Stevens to death himself. Appearing on Fox News, retired Army officers David Hunt and Anthony Shaffer told Fox’s Jeanine Pirro that two drones were providing a “live feed” of the attack and said that his sources tell him that the President “was one of those in the White House Situation Room in real time watching this” and that he could have approved military action to save the embattled ambassador, but chose not to. And the example proving that a rescue could have worked? Ronald Reagan’s successful 1983 Grenada operation, in which Reagan used a military invasion of a Caribbean island to rescue the news cycle from coverage of the deadly bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut. Read more on Fox News Reveals Obama ‘Watched’ Benghazi Attack But Failed To Invade Grenada…
  depends what the definition of 'of' is

Megyn Kelly: Words Are Their Own Opposites, Obama Double-Plus-Ungood

Aw, this is kind of sad. Megyn Kelly is now trying to explain Romney’s dismal debate performance by positing that words can mean their opposites, but only in reference to Benghazi, and especially when Obama says it. We begin our video with some white guy saying that there was a “military-like strike” in Benghazi, which was clear on “Day 1,” but what was confusing everyone was the relationship between the offensive video and “these protests.” Then he says that “given that there were protests going on in other cities because of this protest at the very same time” it was reasonable to assume that this military-like strike was part of the same wave of protests. BUT THEN Megyn weighs in with this philosophical head-scratcher: “declaring something an act of terror doesn’t mean you’re declaring it a terrorist attack.” Read more on Megyn Kelly: Words Are Their Own Opposites, Obama Double-Plus-Ungood…
  sic semper tucker's anus

America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley

There has been, perhaps, no transgression in American debate history worse than when, in the middle of Tuesday’s townhall debate, Candy Crowley swung from the rafters and literally probably shot Mitt Romney in the back of the head by correcting him, according to Tucker Carlson. Read more on America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley…
  being a man finally pays off for obama

Abusive Ogre Barack Obama Forces Hillary Clinton Into Taking Responsibility For Her Department

The Secretary of State is responsible for diplomatic security. The president is responsible for the Secretary of State. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton, who is the Secretary of State and incidentally the most powerful woman in the world, took responsibility for diplomatic security in Benghazi, where four Americans were killed. “I take responsibility,” Clinton told CNN in an interview while on a visit to Peru. “I’m in charge of the State Department’s 60,000-plus people all over the world, 275 posts. The president and the vice president wouldn’t be knowledgeable about specific decisions that are made by security professionals. They’re the ones who weigh all of the threats and the risks and the needs and make a considered decision.” A cynical person would think that Hillary Clinton took responsibility to take pressure off of Obama before the election. A realistic person would say both that Clinton’s statement is largely true, that the cynical person’s thoughts are somewhat true, and also consider the timing. Jennifer Rubin, however, has decided that Hillary Clinton took responsibility because she’s a penis-whipped shit sundae who’s not a real woman. Delicate lady-flowers should not be forced to take responsibility for the departments they run, because real men should stand up and do it for them. If that is not feminism, what is? Read more on Abusive Ogre Barack Obama Forces Hillary Clinton Into Taking Responsibility For Her Department…