Wonkette

We sent our Liz Glover and Jim Newell to the Reason happy hour/cocktail party that the Reason staff has every month to celebrate putting out their monthly issue. And then we waited for the funny report, and the fun video, but it never showed up, so we will just run this transcript that seems to cover what did or didn’t happen. It’s the “new journalism.” MORE »

Bob Barr looks like Reverend Jeremiah Wright and will probably cost John McCain the election, and for these two reasons alone Barack Obama makes love to Bob Barr’s voodoo doll in his hyperbaric Hope chamber every night. You see, 6% of Zogby poll respondents said they would vote for the Libertarian candidate for president, and this is the exact size of the margin Obama leads by. Score one for Liberty! MORE »

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

Remember that time former pro wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura ran for Governor of Minnesota, and then he said, “Until you hunted man, you haven’t hunted yet,” and then he turned into a crazy paranoid kook with Satanic facial hair? Well, now he has a new book, and he has embarrassed the Libertarians, so he is doing about as well as anybody expected. [Reason]

Hey there Paultards who like to look at women online! Now you can elect your favorite female Libertarian standard-bearer in a beauty pageant that’s attracting literally dozens of votes. There are several Miss Ron Pauls to choose from and you can vote twice a day before May 31, because that is what Freedom is all about: voting twice. [Miss Ron Paul]

The enlightened kingdom of Paultardia has gone the way of Atlantis: deep undercover and off the grid, far from the hoi polloi who cloaked their fear of its greatness in mockery and ridicule. Either that or somebody forgot to pay their hosting bills. [Paulville]

Even though his campaign staff has been literally decimated and he released a sad Web video in early March saying “I still love Freedom but Victory is maybe not available to me, in the conventional sense, meaning ‘winning,’” Ron Paul is still running for President. And why not? He just won 16 percent of the Pennsylvania Republican primary vote. Plus, passionate Paultards have been raising a ruckus at conventions from Missouri to Nevada! He will still be President after Hillary seizes the nomination from Ralph Nader and moves to Guam. [Washington Post]

Finally, he speaks. Former conspiracy theory presidential candidate and the Original Ron Paul, Lyndon LaRouche, has offered his take on the Obama phenomenon. It ain’t so good! Specifically: Obama’s father was a bad father and also an agent with MI5, every male from every continent inseminated Obama’s whore of a mother, and Obama is a monkey who also works with British Intel. Obama is also a Racist. MORE »

This sad lady does pot because her back esploded and she doesn’t want to be a criminal anymore. Note the strange time-lapse visual effects that make you, the viewer, experience the same strange “LSD trails” that are a hallmark of the dangerous drug called marijuana. Other effects include meth mouth, baby sales, and penile ossification. [Minnesotans for Compassionate Care/YouTube] MORE »

Normal Americans celebrate Thomas Jefferson by pouring out a 40 on the sidewalk and saying mournfully, “Here’s to you, firecrotch” and then lighting $5 bills on fire. But Libertarians celebrate by dancing in solemn white-people fashion to their own personal iPods, in front of the Jefferson Memorial. And then they get arrested. Well, one of them does. [YouTube]