And so continues the most sordid tale in the history of Earth, in which Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston argue publicly about who called Trig Palin a “retard,” how many times, and with what inflection. You’ll recall that yesterday, Levi went on teevee, uhh, some show, let’s say game one of the World Series, in which someone—probably Derek Jeter—asked him whether or not it was true that Palin called Trig a retard constantly. He affirmed! Now Meg Stapleton is like, “Yeah, nice try, except impossible, because were too busy calling Trig a ‘blessed little angel’ to call him a retard.” No but like actually. MORE »

Comical naked person Levi Johnston went on the CBS program this morning but really, don’t even watch the clip, we just needed some art to go with the text: “There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I’m not gonna hurt her that way… You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far.” MORE »

JESUS CHRIST, THIS WAS OLD NEWS: YES FINE OKAY TIPSTERS, Levi Johnston is going to be nakey in Playgirl, according to the new story that is the exact same thing as the story from several weeks ago. See? Lauri Apple even did an illustration back then and everything! But anyway, Levi is working out six days a week now and will look super hot. [AP]

Look everybody, it’s a dumb Internet thing that the pistachio company wants every blog to post about in hopes of going viral! Who are we to disobey the pistachio company? So here you go: Levi Johnson now “wears protection” when eating his pistachios and slamming his huge bodyguard in the dumper. [The Awl]

Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions. MORE »

Sarah Palin’s least-favorite almost-son-in-law Levi Johnston will not vanish from the public eye, ever! He’s doing a photoshoot with a website called Playgirl, which, despite its gender specific name, is actually a site for gay men who like to look at photographs of other men, naked. There is nothing wrong with this! And, you know, we are pretty happy that of the two unlikely Wasilla-based media sensations of September 2008, Sarah Palin is now an unemployed twitterer and Levi Johnston is the celebrity (?) of September 2009. Who could’ve predicted it? [Gawker/Violet Blue/The Sword]

Who doesn’t love Levi Johnston! Every magazine editor in fancy New York City has, at some point in the last few months, approached Levi and asked, “Hey, Levi, would you be willing to tell us some new hilarious embarrassing shit about Sarah Palin?”, and he’s always like, “Sure, whatever, when’s the photo shoot?” In today’s revelations, Levi appears to have given Vanity Fair the mother lode for a feature in its upcoming issue, several excerpts of which are now available. They are hilarious. MORE »

• If you are going to doodle swastikas all over the place because you are angry about the possibility of receiving affordable health care, at least have the courtesy to draw them correctly, and not make them all fruity and wobbly. Because it looks like your swastika has osteoporosis, which means it will most certainly be euthanized by Obama’s death panel. [Think Progress]
• Speaking of spray-painting swastikas. The culprit is obviously that black congressman. This whole thing is a chapter lifted from Sherlock Holmes and the Self-Inflicted Hate Crime Swastika. [Weekly Standard]
• Speaking of black people. They are awfully similar to that cartoon character, Felix the Cat. So says the Financial Times, the reigning champion of shard-born analogies. [Matt Yglesias]
• The House Judiciary Committee released a titanic load of Bush regime emails, concerning that whole Karl Rove attorney-purge debacle from God-knows-how-many-years-ago. As you can probably imagine, the folks over at TPM are already busy finger-bangin’ the shit out of these documents. [TPM]
• Listen when Levi Johnston has something to say. For he is America’s resident expert on impregnating teenage girls. And you should respect that. [This Was Already On Wonkette This Morning, Riley, a Few Posts Down]

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! MORE »

We kind of like the young Alaskan who mistakenly knocked up Alex Rodriguez, which is why it’s so difficult to watch Pat Buchanan uttering this wild-eyed suggestion to drown him, in the crick. Buchanan is such a racist against the descendants of gold miners. [Media Matters]

Levi Johnston made quite a name for himself by impregnating that Palin daughter (NOT PIPER YOU MONSTERS) and then going on the Larry King Live occasionally and grunting out a few monosyllables in between commercial breaks. “Yes. No. I don’t know.” But yesterday he held a NEWS CONFERENCE at his lawyer’s office to reveal the SHOCKING TRUE SECRET behind his ex-girlfriend’s mom’s resignation from the Alaska governorship. MORE »