Tag Archives: Let’s Move

  Let's Move Somewhere Sane

Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It

They can take our brains, but they'll never take...OUR CRULLERS!
Just a quick gut check on American Political Discourse in 2014: Freedom is about stuffing as much fried food into your gullet as you can, and there’s no way we’ll let the meddling First Lady cram arugula down our throats. Aw, Michelle Obama, YA BURNT! Or deep-fried! If she said stabbing yourself in the face was bad for you, there’s be a run on knives. Read more on Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It…
  You know who else didn't sell Tic Tacs in schools?

Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts

Let them eat dirt
Thanks to Michelle Obama’s ongoing war on your children’s Eleventeenth Amendment right to shove all the junk food they want into their chubby faces — try reading the Constitution sometime, Michelle — Westside High School in Omaha, Nebraska, is scrambling to figure out how to comply with the tyrannical 2010 Healthy Hunger-Free Act, which took effect in July. Read more on Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts…
  Called On The Carpet

Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National Institutes of Health-funded study that’s looking at why lesbians may be prone to obesity. He’s not even going to call it wasteful. No, instead, he’s going to suggest concrete action: He wants Michelle Obama to show that she cares about lesbians’ health by spearheading (haw haw!) a drive to help all the lesbians lose weight by becoming straight. Read more on Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
When the Grifter Queen of The Last Frontier announced the creation of her own website/TV channel, we laughed along with the rest of you. “It’s just a way to make a quick buck, and she’ll probably quit halfway through, haw haw haw,” we larfed to ourselves. But it’s been a week, and she hasn’t quit yet, and one Wonketeer donated enough money — real American dollars — for a year’s subscription and a bonus Ulysses S. Grant to dull the pain of whichever sap got stuck watching, for you. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker…
  the lunchroom's greatest monster

Sportsball Thug Richard Sherman Thuggishly Cooks Socialist Thug School Lunch With Thug Michelle Obama

Sportsball Man Richard Sherman is here to indoctrinate your children into thinking that healthy eating is OK, in this cute video for the Let’s Move initiative, Michelle Obama’s dangerous plot to encourage “healthy” eating and exercise so that she can raise an army of socialist cadres. On camera, he and his “Seattle Seahawks sous chefs” prepare an allegedly healthy school lunch of “Seahawks salmon cake and succotash,” which we suppose would be fit for socialist fishheads in the People’s Republic of Seattle, but which would certainly make decent corn-fed Iowa beefchildren cry. Be sure to avoid the comments at Breitbart’s story on this! They do not suffer succotash gladly. Read more on Sportsball Thug Richard Sherman Thuggishly Cooks Socialist Thug School Lunch With Thug Michelle Obama…
  you can haz cheeseburger

GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy: A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money. Read more on GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables…
  they call it 'yogging' it's all the rage

Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)

See those men? Those are Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden, and they are “let’s moving,” because they are scared of the fiery wrath of Michelle Obama. Did you like the ’80s cop show styley music, like maybe it is the theme from Simon & Simon, or maybe it is TJ Hooker? Did you like that they kind of run a little bit like moms? Did you like that they are not very good at “acting”? Don’t lie, you super fapped, because it is our Bamz and our OHJB, and that means it is NOT Cory Booker and Chris Christie, who put out a far superior “funny video,” that you unaccountably hated. But beyond “hey look a silly video and drink your water,” are there implications for Mommy Wars, and Intersectional Feminist Fights? Of course there are, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Read more on Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice. Read more on Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches….
  every flavor but pinkie

Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged

We guess Barack Obama must have mentioned God in his Thanksgiving proclamation this year, since we haven’t seen a million angry blog posts bitching about it. (And there it is — “we rise or fall as one Nation, under God” — a blatant attempt to make up for his Gettysburg libel, too.*) Thankfully, even if they can’t trot out the “war on religion” trope, wingnuts can still accuse the Obamas of being Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, because as has been widely reported, the White House served nine types of pie at Thanksgiving this year — or as the Daily Mail headline put it, “NINE different types of pie.” This is of course the worst sort of hypocrisy, since 1) No other president has eaten well while some Americans were unemployed and 2) Michelle promotes healthy eating, but for a holiday dinner they didn’t eat only kale and rice cakes. Read more on Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged…
  history's greatest monster

How Is Michelle Obama Murdering Jesus And Easter Today?

Well, it is almost time for the White House Easter Egg Roll! Which means it is already past time for the annual whinging about the White House Easter Egg Roll. How is Michelle Obama murdering it today? Oh, just the same way she did in 2011, again. The “Christian” “News” “Service,” founded by superawesome dude and in no way a Luke Russert style nepotism mediocrity L. Brent Bozell III, has some Thoughts on this, and wouldn’t you know it, they are MAD THOUGHTS OF ANGER! GRRRRR! Read more on How Is Michelle Obama Murdering Jesus And Easter Today?…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if “The Help” is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn’t it probably the same thing, except with Mexicans? Apparently, no! “Michelle’s Secret Garden,” as we like to call it, or “American Grown,” as it is actually called, tells the story of the White House Kitchen Garden. It also offers gardening tips, and “the story of how, together, in gardens large and small, we have begun to grow a healthier nation.” Because this new book costs over twenty dollars and Amazon.com is not yet accepting food stamps, the actual contents of the book will remain a mystery to most of the country, including your FLOTUS correspondent, who is not about to spend thirty dollars on a book about vegetables when the ice cream shelf in her freezer is running low on supplies. Thankfully, an excerpt from the book is available online, so we’ll just read that and use our imaginations to come up with the rest. Read more on Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening…
  flotus files

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. Read more on Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your couch long enough, you will just spontaneously drop dead. Of course, this is the sort of thing our First Lady Michelle Obama has been trying to prevent from happening, through her dance-a-thons and grocery superstores that apparently aren’t getting built. But the obesity epidemic continues, and the kids just keep getting fatter, no matter how many celebrity endorsements the Let’s Move! campaign receives. “But that isn’t enough, say public health leaders frustrated with the slow progress in stemming America’s obesity epidemic. Something more ambitious is needed, they argue — something more like the anti-tobacco movement.” Cue the terrifying obesity PSAs! Read more on Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs that exists, so let’s all poison ourselves, after we discuss FLOTUS. We live in an age of “reality” television, because reality is so horrifying these days, it tends to make for a fairly entertaining hour of television without much extra work required. Our obesity crisis is of course one element of our terrible reality, which is why there is a program on NBC called ‘The Biggest Loser,’ which is some sort of program about fat people (your FLOTUS correspondent does not watch this program, because it disgusts her). These days, where there’s a camera and fat people, there’s our First Lady Michelle Obama, making them wish they had never heard of a Double Down Sandwich. Our Michelle appeared on ‘The Biggest Loser’ last night, so it’s pretty much next stop: workouts with Bruce Jenner and hijinks about Kendall’s Super Sweet 16, etc. etc. Read more on Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald’s did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the campaign, knew it was time to celebrate, however, and so she embarked upon a cross-country birthday tour, hitting some of America’s most well-known and cherished obesity strongholds. Apparently this is also why she challenged Ellen DeGeneres to a push-up contest last week on teevee, although we thought it was just to stir up trouble, for fun. This past weekend, Michelle bravely took her health crusade to Texas and Disney World, because she just loves a challenge. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious

For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to discuss (what else?) Barack Obama’s socks. The gossip is that Barack Obama does not pick up his socks! But our FLOTUS did not really go all the way out to the Ellen show to discuss the White House cleaning services. It was, of course, all about Let’s Move! and childhood obesity. And we would be very bored by this, except that this time, the jackets came off! Our Michelle revealed her workout secrets and then got down on the floor to demonstrate why everyone must fear the arms of America’s First Lady of Fitness. And then some right-wing people on the Internet used their personal mobility devices to drive across the living room to the ‘puter, to complain about the first lady’s “form.” Read more on Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of pulling up one’s pants, as a dance move. Back in those days, Fat Joe was practically a professional obese person, weighing in at over 450 pounds. But today, he is the image of a Let’s Move! victory, having lost over 100 pounds and even curing his own diabetes! We can imagine why someone decided to tap into his street cred and miraculous weight loss story to bring health to the children of Newark, New Jersey. Read more on Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this. Read more on Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children

Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But between that and settling violent disputes between Sasha and Malia over who gets “Scott,” the Secret Service guy who probably most resembles Justin Bieber, our Michelle still finds time for the little things, like trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. Read more on FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known as The US Open to talk about tennis and smashing things, which just goes to show how dangerous this Let’s Move! thing is for our country and our delicate (and obese) children. Our FLOTUS spent some time talking about her love of tennis, before playing the sport with actual professional tennis players. We are guessing she managed to beat them all by distracting them with her FLOTUS charm, obviously. Read more on Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees

Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as they could, to add “Ruined Michelle Obama’s day” to their useless resumés. Of course, our FLOTUS can easily bounce back from any non-scandal, maybe because she has Harry Potter on her side or because she is a magazine model, but mostly because no one actually cares about what Michelle Obama eats for lunch, especially Michelle Obama, who is busy implementing the next phase of her anti-obesity campaign, which involves bees. Read more on FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees…