Let’s Move
How Is Michelle Obama Murdering Jesus And Easter Today?
Well, it is almost time for the White House Easter Egg Roll! Which means it is already past time for the annual whinging about the White House Easter Egg Roll. How is Michelle Obama murdering it today? Oh, just the same way she did in 2011, again. The “Christian” “News” “Service,” founded by superawesome dude [...]
Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening
As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if “The Help” is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn’t it probably the same thing, except with Mexicans? Apparently, no! “Michelle’s Secret Garden,” as we like to call it, or “American [...]
Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever
So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop [...]
Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter
Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your [...]
Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian
Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs [...]
Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’
Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald’s did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the campaign, knew it was time to celebrate, however, and so she embarked upon a cross-country birthday [...]
Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe
“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of [...]
Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising
“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World [...]
FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children
Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But [...]
Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children
Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known [...]
FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees
Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as [...]
FLOTUS Tells Archbishop Desmond Tutu To Drop and Give Her Twenty
America must once again put down the Hostess snacks, because our FLOTUS has returned from her trip to Africa. This adventure went much better than last year’s Spain fiasco, maybe because there are fewer secret Muslims in South Africa? No one knows! Of course, it wouldn’t be a real FLOTUS vacation without some dumb non-controversy [...]
Michelle Obama Now Going After Fat Babies
America is full of fat children, and fat adults. This we know. But did you also know that America has many fat babies? It is more difficult to spot them, sandwiched between all the aforementioned full-grown fat people, but that doesn’t mean that Michelle Obama hasn’t noticed these sneaky, milk-guzzling fatsos. And since our FLOTUS [...]
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