Tag Archives: lesbians

  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no idea: Read more on Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition…
  Called On The Carpet

Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National Institutes of Health-funded study that’s looking at why lesbians may be prone to obesity. He’s not even going to call it wasteful. No, instead, he’s going to suggest concrete action: He wants Michelle Obama to show that she cares about lesbians’ health by spearheading (haw haw!) a drive to help all the lesbians lose weight by becoming straight. Read more on Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Still not president
Yes, it’s Friday. You’re welcome. Sore loser Mitt Romney is still sore loser: “I was not a big fan of the president’s policies, as you know, either domestically or internationally,” Romney said, according to Fox News. “But the results of his mistakes and errors, in my opinion, have been more severe than even I would have predicted.” Read more on Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  nice time!

Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms

The gaypocalypse is upon us. We have seen the signs, from judges competing to see who can write the most elegant fuck you to the religious right when legalizing gay marriage to Common Core turning all our children gay. And Washington, DC (the city and people that live here, not the asshole Congresscritters you flyover states send here) is getting in on the action. How? Lesbian anchor babies: The District is one of a handful of jurisdictions that permit second-parent adoptions with no residency rules or other restrictions…. The 2013 law is leading an increasing number of lesbian couples from nearby states to deliver their babies in the District, according to family lawyers arranging second-parent adoptions. Read more on Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms…
  everybody loves the garbage man

S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’

Buttsechs. Some people like to do it in their butts, while other people like to pay their rent owning mommyblogs that for some weird reason unknown to G_d or man (COUGH ANA MARIE COUGH) have become synonymous with anal loving. Still other people like to be elected representatives of the people of South Dakota and post long long SO LONG letters about how butts are “garbage alleys” and lesbians should not have weiners in their butts onto their Faceplace pages when the Argus Leader determines their letters to the editor to be a little much for your morning Grape Nuts. In his masterpiece, “A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck,” state Rep. Steve Hickey proclaims a great many common-sense things. We shall explore them, together. Read more on S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Warns Of Lesbian Throuple Threat To Traditional Marriage (Video)

From Massachusetts, Stephen Colbert brings ominous news of the latest rather hot threat to the institution of marriage: three women who call themselves a “throuple” and have sparked another rightwing freakout about how legalizing same-sex marriage will ultimately kill traditional marriage dead. Or as Colbert notes, at the very least, it will ruin “traditional threesomes, which are a wedge that drives straight couples apart after what was supposed to be a fun birthday present inevitably leads to crying whenever someone hears the name Stacey.” Read more on Stephen Colbert Warns Of Lesbian Throuple Threat To Traditional Marriage (Video)…
  all toaster ovens to be returned

South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians

South Carolina’s Legislature appears to be in the grip of a full-fledged Gay Panic, and not the good kind. First, there were budget cuts to punish two universities that had assigned LGBT-themed reading: $17,142 from the University of South Carolina Upstate, where the offender was Out Loud: The Best of Rainbow Radio, a collection of stories from South Carolina’s first gay radio show; and $52,000 from the College of Charleston, which assigned Allison Bechdel’s Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, a comic-book memoir by the author of Dykes to Watch Out For. Presumably, that’ll learn colleges not to spend good money on dirty fag books no more. And now, for the second act, state Sen. Mike Fair has complained about a planned performance of a one-woman comedy show titled “How To Be A Lesbian In 10 Days Or Less,” explaining his opposition thusly: “That’s not an explanation of ‘I was born this way.’ It’s recruiting.” In addition, saying that the instructions struck him as completely nonsensical, Sen. Fair demanded the immediate removal of To Kill a Mockingbird from school libraries. Read more on South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians…
  do not enable these pagan cookies

Wingnut Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson Begs You To Boycott Girl Scouts And Their Commie Lesbo Abortion Cookies

One of our favorite wingnuts, unhinged radio* panic-man Kevin Swanson, who gave us the science facts about tiny dead babies inside the wombs of women using the pill and how Mark Twain was possessed by demons, now has something else to freak out about: Cookies. Cookies baked not by elves, but by Girl Scouts, who are Communist lesbians. (OK, baked by several large commercial bakers under contract with communist lesbians.) And so, Swanson issued this simple plea to boycott Communist lesbian Girl Scout cookies, for the reasons mentioned right there: “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies … Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.” Also the brown acid. Stay away from the brown acid. Especially the thin mint kind. Read more on Wingnut Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson Begs You To Boycott Girl Scouts And Their Commie Lesbo Abortion Cookies…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time

Somehow, the end of the week brought us a flurry of stories that are all special wonderful snowflakes of stoopid, and while they’re all worthy of pointing and laughing at, we just can’t devote an entire post to each of them. After all, we have a full day of coddling radical Islam to get to! And so, here’s a collection of shorts. If this format proves popular, we may make it a semi-regular thing, giving everyone a chance to get into Wonkette’s shorts. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time…
  The Homogenda Strikes Again

Stop! You’re Under Arrest For Being A Gay Homosexual Lesbian in Florida

Now that America is well on its way to being full-on gay homosexual rainbow flag-waving equality-for-all-land, what with state after state after state jumping on the marriage rights bandwagon and the Supreme Court about half a second away from being all, “Nah, dude, you totes can’t have laws that only let some people get married but not others because that is some fucked up repugnant bullshit right there,” it seems there remain a few holdouts. Like in Florida, where some asshole parents plus a jerkwad basketball coach plus the schmuck-faced school board are all so terrified of the Big Gay Menace that is an 18-year-old high school senior who is also — ooooh, scary — a lesbian: [Kaitlyn] Hunt was a highly respected student at Florida’s Sebastian River High School with good grades and participation in cheerleading, basketball and chorus. She was even voted “most school spirit.” Sounds terrifying so far, right? But just wait. All of that changed when she started dating a fellow student, a girl she met on the basketball team, at the beginning of the school year. Like what, you may ask? Like the coach kicking Kaitlyn off the team to avoid “drama.” Like Kaitlyn’s girlfriend’s not-very-nice parents sending the cops to her home on her 18th birthday to charge her with “two felony counts of lewd and lascivious battery on a child 12 – 16 years of age.” Because being gay is “lewd and lascivious” — you know, if you’re a bigot. And obviously their daughter wouldn’t be gay but for her gay girlfriend. Or something. We don’t quite understand because we are not fluent in either bigot or stupid. Read more on Stop! You’re Under Arrest For Being A Gay Homosexual Lesbian in Florida…
  today in irresponsible speculation

Rightwing Radio Host Has Giant Sad That It Got Better For Hillary Clinton

Sandy Rios, last seen in these pages wondering why our Supreme Court’s female justices cannot just shut up and respect their male betters, returns to remind us once again that all you need to score your own radio show is an ability to open your screech hole and let fly: Hillary Clinton, there have long been rumors about her sexual persuasion; if you don’t know that you need to know that. I can’t confirm or deny anything. No? Color us shocked that you have no idea. We were sure you and Hillary had at some point consummated your forbidden Sapphic love on the Isle of Lesbos. Read more on Rightwing Radio Host Has Giant Sad That It Got Better For Hillary Clinton…
  she won the toaster

Cool Florida Principal Investigates Straight Teacher For Turning Student Into Lesbian-Gay

Here is an incredibly stupid story for you! A teacher named Juliet Hibbs at Deerfield Beach High School in Broward County, Florida, was standing in her classroom one day, teaching some nonsense or other, who knows. (Because “Florida.”) As she stood there, she saw one of her students, an 18-year-old woman, slinking lower and lower in her chair. The student’s stepdad had found out she was gay, and was burning up her Twitter feed with doubtless warmhearted messages of love and support. (We all agree that young lady should not have been checking her Twitter during class, correct? Okay, good.) “As each message came, she got smaller … I watched her get destroyed,” Hibbs said, who reported the incident as child abuse and cyberbullying. Since the young woman was 18, an abuse counselor advised her she did not have to return home. Hmmm, what do we think happened next? Read more on Cool Florida Principal Investigates Straight Teacher For Turning Student Into Lesbian-Gay…
  the princess died

Man-Hating Ball-Buster Sonia Sotomayor Teams With Sesame Street To Indoctrinate Your Princess

You may go elsewhere to read about Elmo maybe raping your children, because Sonia Sotomayor raping traditional gender roles is the only Sesame Street story your Wonkette will be covering this fine Veterans Day. So let’s get right to it: why does known feminazi and United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor want to indoctrinate your semiprecious female children into believing they should go to law school, where they will doubtless become godless spokessluts for Big Pill? Read more on Man-Hating Ball-Buster Sonia Sotomayor Teams With Sesame Street To Indoctrinate Your Princess…
  scissor sisters

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

Have you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!). Read more on DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently…
  on broadwayyyyy

Old Lesbian Billionaire Warren Buffett Now Constantly Singing At People

It is official. Warren Buffett, the Sage of Omaha, class warrior, and by all appearances victim of Stage Four of Lesbian Bed Death, will now use his “fuck-you” money to buy a slot and make you listen to him singing whenever and wherever he wants. He has appeared with a ukelele for the Chinese New Year, and in his latest bid for the lights of Broadway, in a newsboy’s cap from the 1930s, when he was 47 years old. See him crackle and warble — charmingly! unbearably! depending upon your affection or lack thereof for the crusty tycoon — a “funny” song about how he now owns a newspaper, the medium of the future (just ask Rupert Murdoch)! Read more on Old Lesbian Billionaire Warren Buffett Now Constantly Singing At People…
  anti-sexytime

Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand

A failed Republican candidate for governor in Alabama has been discovered on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own anti-homosexual political actions and the fact that he’s married to a “two-time Mrs America finalist who has three children from a former relationship.” Bill Johnson, a conservative Christian politician who lost his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s new wingnut governor, is now working for some charity in New Zealand. But he spends all his “free time” meeting lesbians online and then masturbating into a cup for the lesbians, who apparently want to have the children of this sketchy creep from the America’s Deep South. He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense. It’s all so gross — he has knocked up somewhere between six and nine lesbians, with his anti-gay semen. Read more on Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand…
  even jennifer aniston hates him!

Beloved ‘Friends’ TV Show Also Hated Newt Gingrich

Throughout America’s history, people have always hated Newt Gingrich. Republicans hate him, Democrats hate him, and of course the nation’s wives all hate him. But a new historical document proves that Gingrich was just as unloved in the distant 1990s as he is today — some say he was despised even more then, because people actually knew who he was, because he was the bloated little helmet-headed albino twerp who shut down the federal government because he didn’t get enough Easter candies from the White House. For example, the producers of the beloved sitcom Friends made a special effort to personally shame the hypocrite “social conservative” Gingrich while also mocking Republican Family Values in general. Read more on Beloved ‘Friends’ TV Show Also Hated Newt Gingrich…
  hippity hop

Michael Steele Is Now Going To Wreck MSNBC

Michael Steele was (barely) chosen as the Republican Party chairman a few years ago as a response to Barack Obama’s election to the presidency. Not a political response, so much as an image-y kind of thing. It’s hard to remember now, but the trend in 2008-2009 was all about tall, dark and handsome men. Especially the “dark” part. But the Republicans only had creepy old goatee-man Alan Keyes and bald Maryland mediocrity Michael Steele to choose from, and what’s his name, the pizza man, hadn’t yet been born. (Herman Cain is a super baby, were you aware?) So they, the Republicans, picked Michael Steele to run the Republican party. And all the angry white old people promptly started their own Republican Party, but without the black people, and they called this the “Tea Party” (even though they mostly drank Sprite). Now Michael Steele has finished his work at the RNC, and is going to be a TV star with Rachel Maddow and … I don’t know anyone else on MSNBC. Conan O’Brien? Read more on Michael Steele Is Now Going To Wreck MSNBC…
  speaketh the olds

Pat Robertson Exposes Lesbian Plot To Rid World’s Women of Babies

DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM. What advantage does a lesbian have over a married woman? She doesn’t have to seek love from a planet full of dickwad men, that’s right. But what deficiency does she have? She doesn’t have equal rights, correct! Wait, let’s try that again. Read more on Pat Robertson Exposes Lesbian Plot To Rid World’s Women of Babies…
  northern overexposure

Bristol Palin Attempts Some Sort of Joke-Like Phrase Involving Lesbians

Bristol Palin has posted a new Facebook post, arguing about something or other with former comedian Margaret Cho, because Bristol wants to stretch out her time on the dancing teevee show into actual celebrity or something, we guess. Cho said some inane, unfunny thing about Bristol, so Bristol used the word “canard” again and also the word “calculus,” a subject she didn’t take in high school, we presume. (Though she earned that B+ in Basic Canards.) Anyway, Bristol made a joke at the expense of lesbians, according to the Internet. But this “joke” lacks a coherent joke structure, so it is basically a weird comment about lesbian musicians, with the intent for it to be a joke of some kind, probably. Politics. Government. Public affairs. Read more on Bristol Palin Attempts Some Sort of Joke-Like Phrase Involving Lesbians…
  friend of dorothy

O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy

Delaware masturbation witch and constitutional scholar Christine O’Donnell finally did another teevee interview! It is super boring, but we’ll post it just in case you (like most Americans) have a lot of time on your hands. Better to watch a dull ABC News interview with jobless sex activist Christine O’Donnell rather than let your idle hands be led by the devil to your genitals! Because that is certainly not one of the “Five Guys’ Freedoms” in the amendment thingy O’Donnell learned about at Hogwarts. But does she regret the ridiculous “I’m not a witch” commercial that provided America with so much comedy during these long last weeks of the midterm campaign? Yes she does! More importantly, she has been thinking a lot about her Halloween costume. Read more on O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy…
  the homosexuals!

Jeebus Lady Cindy Jacobs Repents For All Lesbians, Cleanses Craigslist

Your Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals is back bearing good news, or as they like to call it in church, “a new gospel”: All of the world’s lesbians have been fully repented for! This happened last week, in Sacramento, at a big Jesus party thrown by My Boyfriend Lou Engle. Though he has failed utterly in his mission from God to save San Francisco from Chadd, the three-story-tall homosexual Jesus giant, Lou called in a crazy Jeebus lady named Cindy Jacobs to take care of all the lesbians, and oh boy, did she ever! Read more on Jeebus Lady Cindy Jacobs Repents For All Lesbians, Cleanses Craigslist…