Tag Archives: legitimate rape

  Nice time though not for Republicans

Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!

Please come back and keep talking!
Todd Akin — the former Missouri representative, failed senatorial candidate, and expert on how ladies have magic vaginas than can detect and deflect “legitimate rape” sperm to prevent pregnancy (right, THAT guy) — is not going away. Sorry, Republicans, we know how you wish he’d just delete his account and shut up forever and stop making you SOOO embarrassed, but nope, not gonna happen: Read more on Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Usually, Yr Wonket has some discretion regarding which Palin-flavored entrees we will shove down your throats each weekend on the Fartknocker Report. Unfortunately, this was one of those weeks when the Tundra Grifter couldn’t be bothered to do more than one take for a single two-minute-long video. So open wide, we guess, because here comes Sarah to misrepresent some facts about the House’s recent abortion bill. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!…
  Another great moment in GOP outreach

Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, one of spittiest ragemonkeys the GOP has to offer, is feeling lots of upset feelings this week, and it is because House Republicans were forced to cancel a vote on their 20-week abortion ban bill that was scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Read more on Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’…
  From the "legitimate rape" desk

Lindsey Graham Finding It Difficult To Separate Good Girls From Lying Sluts, Would Appreciate Suggestions

and unfortunately I vote
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-please just stop) spoke Thursday at the annual March for Life Rally/Recycled Offensive Placard Emporium about the House GOP’s failure to get their act together enough to pass H.R. 36, the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act. As you will recall, GOP congressladies objected to the truly obnoxious rape exception in the bill, which would have allowed abortions in cases of rape IF and ONLY IF the rape was reported to the police. On the basis of their objections, Republican House leaders canceled the scheduled vote. Read more on Lindsey Graham Finding It Difficult To Separate Good Girls From Lying Sluts, Would Appreciate Suggestions…
  When did you stop assaulting your wife?

Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?

Your lips are saying no but he's saying yes
Damn those feminists and their lies about “rape” and “sexual assault” and the “war on women” and other “things” Democrats say just to get people to vote for them. Because we all know that “hey, did you know rape is a thing?” is a winning election strategy, which is why feminists rule the country. Read more on Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?…
  sorry not sorry

I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’

Ugh, Todd Akin, right? You remember Todd Akin, of course. He was a Republican representative from Missouri who just might have become a senator from Missouri if he had not made the catastrophic mistake, as Republicans are wont to do, of opening his mouth and saying words. And you remember those words because we all do, because they are tattooed on our brains, and we cannot bleach them away no matter how hard we try: Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’…
  Losing is the new Winning

More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning

Seems like there are lots of failed Republicans taking positions on what the GOP should do to stop losing all the time. First, Bob Dole had a sad about the Tea Party on Sunday TeeVee, and the GOP was all argle bargle, what a losing loser who lost to Billy Blojob in the 90s. What the GOP really needs is a more recent loser to give radically different advice.  Are there any failed Republicans who couldn’t win a red state that Mittens VanRomneyworth won by 10 points? Perhaps a piggish prick who made statements about “legitimate rape” based on some zany branch of 1950’s whack-‘science’ used to denigrate womenfolk? Then please, we beg you to write a column about how the GOP can win, because you are the exact person who should be lecturing us! Thanks, former-Rep. Todd Akin! Not only are you a legitimate loser, but your post is just crazy enough to ensure that any Republican stoopid enough to follow your advice will soon follow in your footsteps of losing badly and being forced to whore yourself out to WND, just like Pennsylvania loser and famous-for-his-last-name Rick Santorum. And Yr Wonkette apologizes to legitimate whores everywhere for that comparison. Let’s see what this assclown had to say about achieving a victory that he himself managed to piss away! Read more on More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning…
  public service announcement

Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy

Today is International Women’s Day, which means two things. First, we have to listen to people say stupid things like: “I’m not a sexist, but why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?” The correct answer to that question is International Men’s Day is in November and the more correct answer is (read in your best Hank Hill voice): “Shut up. You don’t really want to celebrate International Men’s Day. Stop being a baby always manufacturing fake controversies so you can feign outrage.” The other thing thing that, apparently, happens on International Women’s Day is people lose their crap over a perfectly reasonable suggestion that men should not ever rape women. Zerlina Maxwell said as much on Fox News and now she is…wait for it…receiving rape threats. Read more on Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy…
  a gentleman and a scholar and actually neither

Shocker: ‘Legitimate Raper’ Todd Akin Was Really Mean To Women, Has Insane Murdery Friend

Craaaazy news out of Missouri, everybody. You will not believe which of their politicians was arrested eight times at abortion clinics, then got himself elected to the state legislature. Would you believe it was Sen. Todd Akin (R-Uterus)? It was! As hard as it might be to believe, the guy who got all scandalized after he decided to talk about “legitimate rape” is not just supportive of anti-abortion legislation, he was (ahem, allegedly) also so voceriferously abusive to women at clinics that the police had to carry him away. What dedication! Most people just donate to Richard Mourdock — Akin finds ladies and insults them, personally! Read more on Shocker: ‘Legitimate Raper’ Todd Akin Was Really Mean To Women, Has Insane Murdery Friend…
  lady in the streets but a freak in the chamber

Gentleman Scholar Todd Akin Laments Claire McCaskill’s Loss Of Ladydom

Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is back in the Missouri Senate race … because he never left it, son. Having weathered the storm caused by the liberal media pretending he thinks vaginas are washing machines for rape sperm (truth: he thinks they are car washes for rape sperm), Todd Akin now has to figure out how to appeal to lady voters once again. Condescending sexism should do the trick quite nicely! Read more on Gentleman Scholar Todd Akin Laments Claire McCaskill’s Loss Of Ladydom…
  how a bill becomes a law

Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and nuanced commentary about how much he sucks? Well, your Wonkette is here to help! It’s very easy to get in touch with Todd Akin and tell him how much he sucks, you just write a check, preferably for a “substantial amount,” and this will get his attention. Here, watch him explain to you in this video about how you get your Congressman’s attention (hint: send him muneez.) Read more on Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand…
  turning vicious sexual assault into lemonade

Mitt Romney To Nutter Rapey Doctor Last Year: ‘We Agree On Almost Everything’

You may have heard over the past few days of Dr. Jack Willke (because you read Wonkette with slavish devotion), the crazy man who spreads the lie that you can’t get pregnant if you’re goodly and righteously raped. You probably also heard that he was buddy-buddy with Mitt Romney in 2008, because Mitt Romney would do a soccer potluck with Idi Amin and the Tamil Tigers if it got the Family Research Council off his back for a week. Read more on Mitt Romney To Nutter Rapey Doctor Last Year: ‘We Agree On Almost Everything’…
  will this be our last todd akin post?

Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus

Perfidious cockbucket Todd Akin received enthusiastic support Tuesday from noted insane persons Phyllis Schlafly and Bryan Fischer. Remarkably, this is not expected to hurt his chances for election to the US Senate. Reaching previously unplumbed depths of either cluelessness or chicanery — even for her — Ms. Schlafly carefully explained that Akin was not in favor of rape, a position that literally no one on the planet has claimed he was taking: “He’s not for rape. That’s ridiculous,” said Schlafly, founder of the Eagle Forum. “They’re making a big thing about an unfortunate remark.” Schlafly also believes that there is no such thing as marital rape, and that feminists simply made up the concept to hurt men in divorce and child custody cases, a position which is shared by alleged human being Todd Akin. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus…
  we don't need no rape kits let that m*****f***** burn

Todd Akin Explains ‘Legitimate Rape’ To Mike Huckabee With Wheelchairs And 9/11

Yesterday, Rep. Todd Akin, who is the GOP nominee for the US Senate in Missouri, made a comment declaring that women who experienced “legitimate rape” could not get pregnant. Today, Man-Who-Used-To-Be-Skinny Mike Huckabee had Akin on his show to handhold him through a damage control interview. About two minutes in, Huckabee asks Akin if he meant “forcible rape” rather than “legitimate rape,” which Akin flop-sweats into agreement with. (Why “forcible rape” changes the nature of the vagina, I do not know, but I am sadly not the expert that a sitting Congressman is.) After a while, Huckabee asks Akin whether he expected more support through this tough time, and this is when Akin’s Giuliani brain kicks in and goes buck fucking wild (starts at 8:08): Read more on Todd Akin Explains ‘Legitimate Rape’ To Mike Huckabee With Wheelchairs And 9/11…
  how is babby formed?

Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape

Missouri Congressman and GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin is a brilliant scientist (with a B.S. in something called “Management Engineering”) and is therefore highly qualified to speak on the intricacies of female anatomy, especially when it comes to the heretofore unknown magic powers of the reproductive system. Did you know, for example, that the uterus is able to determine the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape? I bet you didn’t even know there was a difference, unlike Todd Akin, who currently serves on the House of Representatives Science and Technology Committee thanks to his expertise. In science. Not only does your uterus know the difference, but in the case of “legitimate” rape, it will shut down, trapping the the rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pure and unspoiled eggs. That means the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape were the victims of illegitimate rape. What’s the difference between legitimate and illegitimate rape? We’ve compiled this helpful guide from what we assume Todd Akin (B.S. in Management Engineering and member of the House Science and Technology Committee, just to recap) believes. Read more on Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape…