Tag Archives: legislative shitmuffin of the year award

  minor indiscretions

Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use

Joseph Dee Morrissey, at least for the moment, stubbornly remains a Democratic member of the Virginia House. He was all “okay, fine, I’ll resign, GOD” after pleading guilty to a misdemeanor to avoid trial for child pornography, then announced he planned to stay in office while running in the special election for his replacement in order to remove the “taint over his seat.” He was totally busted this week campaigning in front of a grocery store, which is verboten under his day-release conditions as a criminal who sleeps in a jail, but a judge declined to lock him up for real to avoid “interfering with an election.” Read more on Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use…
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Read more on Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!…
  The Lannisters Send Their Regards

Virginia Democrat Takes The Perfectly Legal Bribe Money From Republicans, Runs

We have a new entry into the coveted Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award! His name is Phillip Puckett, and he was until very recently a Democratic state Senator from the Commonwealth of Virginia. That is, until some GOP senators gave him this nice bunch of cash for his daughter’s wedding a real nice job, and one for his daughter too. A bit of background: Virginia’s governor Terry McAuliffe (D-former DNC chair) is trying to push through the tyrannical Obummercare Medicaid expansion, and his plans rested on a razor-thin margin in the state Senate. Take it away, WaPo. Sen. Phillip P. Puckett (D-Russell) will announce his resignation Monday, effective immediately, paving the way to appoint his daughter to a judgeship and Puckett to the job of deputy director of the state tobacco commission, three people familiar with the plan said Sunday.[…] The news prompted outrage among Democrats — and accusations that Republicans were trying to buy the Senate with job offers in order to thwart McAuliffe’s proposal to expand health coverage to 400,000 low-income Virginians. This, kiddos, is how the corrupt sausage gets made. Virginia Republicans went to their dog-eared copies of The Necronomicon, found which of Virginia’s state Senators was the most cravenly self-interested piece of shit of all, and then cooked up a tit-for-tat for him. And as far as Yr Wonket can tell, it is all perfectly legal. Read more on Virginia Democrat Takes The Perfectly Legal Bribe Money From Republicans, Runs…
  in my day they just used toaster ovens to recruit

Florida State Legislator: Common Core Will Gay Your Kids Up So Bad

We think the Common Core educational standards are just about the greatest thing to come along in years. Not because we’re especially in love with them as a set of education standards, but because of the way they’ve become the biggest Monster Under the Bed for paranoid wingnuts since Obamacare. Common Core makes for an even better target upon which to project Culture War fears, since almost anything can be billed as a dire threat to Our Precious Children. Case study for today: Florida State Rep. Charles Van Zant, who warned that Common Core is nothing less than an insidious plot to turn your children gay and probably make them major in Art History, too. Read more on Florida State Legislator: Common Core Will Gay Your Kids Up So Bad…
  a casualty of causality

Virginia Congressional Candidate Pretty Sure God Made Your Baby Disabled Because You Had An Abortion, You Slut

Well here’s an update on a dude we first heard about way back in 2010: Virginia State Delegate Bob Marshall said back then that he believed that God punishes women who have abortions by sending them disabled children when they have later pregnancies. Here’s how it works, he said: “The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion who have handicaps has increased dramatically. Why? Because when you abort the firstborn of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children … It’s a special punishment, Christians would suggest.” And here’s the cool thing: Now that he is running for Congress, Bob Marshall is not apologizing, not trying to back away from his remarks, or put them in context, or anything — he’s standing by his 2010 comments. It’s nice to see a politician who’s willing to stand up for his beliefs, especially when those beliefs are patently crazy and really quite mean. Read more on Virginia Congressional Candidate Pretty Sure God Made Your Baby Disabled Because You Had An Abortion, You Slut…
  the badgering state

Wisconsin State Senator Will Totally Investigate This One Homeless Dude, For Voting

Wisconsin state Sen. Tom Tiffany is very concerned about voter fraud, and so he’s going to investigate exactly one voter, to see if he did fraud. Here’s the skinny: Sen. Tiffany wrote a bill that would allow a mining company to explore for iron ore in the town of Anderson. A protest camp sprung up on the site of the proposed mine, and now Sen. Tiffany is Very Concerned that one of the camp’s leaders, Nick Vander Puy, listed his address as “homeless” on his voter registration. So last week, Tiffany requested that the state’s Department of Justice and Government Accountability Board investigate one guy’s vote in an April 1 election, because Vander Puy had posted a Facebook comment about voting in Upson, Wisconsin, even as he lived at the camp in Anderson, which was eventually declared illegal by the county. So Sen. Tiffany wants to know if Vander Puy has a permanent address and where that is. The Senator also wants to know if he voted in more than one place Tuesday, and if his lengthy illegal stay on Iron County land invalidates his vote in the Iron County Town of Anderson. Not that Tiffany is trying to use the investigative power of the state against one opponent of a mining project or anything — Sen. Tiffany is just concerned about the integrity of the vote, of course. Read more on Wisconsin State Senator Will Totally Investigate This One Homeless Dude, For Voting…
  wait until marriage and divorce

Cool Proposed Massachusetts Law Would Make Sure You Don’t Spread Your Legs Until Your Divorce Is Final

Usually we dig on Massachusetts because it is chock full of gay-loving liberals (though we are a little worried about your Jew-jailing schoolchildren right now) but that is because we forget about the weird Republicans that also inhabit the Bay State. Recently, one of them coughed up this dog’s breakfast of an idea: why not punish slutty slut slut people who think they can just get divorced all willy nilly and still keep having sex? In divorce, separation, or 209A proceedings involving children and a marital home, the party remaining in the home shall not conduct a dating or sexual relationship within the home until a divorce is final and all financial and custody issues are resolved, unless the express permission is granted by the courts. Totally reasonable! Read more on Cool Proposed Massachusetts Law Would Make Sure You Don’t Spread Your Legs Until Your Divorce Is Final…
  as accurate today as it was then

Wyoming State Rep. Troy Mader Learned All He Needs To Know About AIDS In 1984

Wyoming state Rep. Troy Mader is just your average rancher and country/gospel recording artist, not a medical expert by any means. But he stands by pretty much everything that he wrote in a 1984 self-published book, The Death Sentence of AIDS: Vital Information For You and Your Family’s Health and Safety, which argued that gay men and their allies will be the death of America, because promiscuity and AIDS. Funny how the classics remain so timely. Mader was appointed in February to fill the seat of Rep. Sue Wallis, who died January 28, and his previous achievements as an author only came to light after his appointment. The book is mostly a compilation of quotes from sources ranging from Newsweek to scholarly publications like “What Homosexuals Do (It’s More than Disgusting),” by Paul Cameron, who is still very actively doing what one real epidemiologist calls a “tragic parody of science” about the deadliness of gaysexing. The book concludes that America is doomed: “At one time, this nation was moral and great,” he wrote. “Now it is immoral and sick. We have reaped what we have sown, and we are dying!” It is apparently a slow death, but now we have gays wanting wedding cakes, so who knows, maybe we’re almost there? Read more on Wyoming State Rep. Troy Mader Learned All He Needs To Know About AIDS In 1984…
  we're number 37! we're number 37!

Canadian Doctor Tells Sen. Richard Burr To GTFO About Single-Payer Healthcare. But Politely, In Canadian.

So this was a rather beautiful exchange in a Senate hearing on single-payer healthcare Tuesday. Sen. Richard Burr, who we are informed did not play either Perry Mason or Robert T. Ironside, was ready to come down like a million-pound shithammer on Canadian doctor Danielle Martin from Toronto, Canadaland, about that country’s complete failure to provide healthcare that even keeps people in Canastan alive and doesn’t kill them while they wait for treatment in an alley. Sadly for Burr, Dr. Martin didn’t even accept the premise of his questions, and set him straight — or maybe not, since he just plain ignored everything she said. It’s a pretty impressive Truthdown of the Senator nonetheless. Read more on Canadian Doctor Tells Sen. Richard Burr To GTFO About Single-Payer Healthcare. But Politely, In Canadian….
  not what 'fight the power' was actually about

North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One

We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America: You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One! Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one. Read more on North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One…
  live free or high

New Hampshire State Senator Threatens To Narc Out Pro-Pot Student, For Freedom (Updated)

Hey, kids, here’s a new frontier in “constituent service” — when a college student wrote a letter to New Hampshire state Sen. Andy Sanborn (not to be confused with the “dick in a box” guy) arguing for the decriminalization of marijuana, the good lawmaker sent back a personal reply — and even did the student the favor of looking up his name and threatening to report the kid’s pro-weed opinions to the organization that had given him a scholarship. This is the sort of responsiveness and meddling that we so seldom see in our big impersonal government anymore. Read more on New Hampshire State Senator Threatens To Narc Out Pro-Pot Student, For Freedom (Updated)…
  on the seventh day god told you to tote that barge

Innovative Wisconsin GOP Proposal Would Allow ‘Voluntary’ Elimination Of Weekends

Hey, remember how Scott Walker declared Wisconsin wide open for business, told public employee unions to STFU, and the state dropped to new lows in job creation? Now some bright minds in the state lege have a can’t-miss proposal to bring prosperity roaring right back: a bill that would allow workers to “volunteer” to work seven days straight without a break. The measure’s authors, Sen. Glenn Grothman of West Bend and Mark Born of Beaver Dam, say the bill brings Wisconsin in line with federal law, gives workers a way to make extra money and employers a way to boost production. But Democrats and labor leaders insisted bosses would use the bill to force their employees to work longer and effectively erase the weekend. Sounds like a great step forward in efficiency and productivity! We can hardly wait for the Wisconsin GOP to announce its exciting new laws allowing voluntary child labor and voluntary lose-your-arm-in-the-meat-grinder fun. Read more on Innovative Wisconsin GOP Proposal Would Allow ‘Voluntary’ Elimination Of Weekends…
  virginia creeper

Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss. Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace – which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids. Read more on Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill…
  green eggs and...damn!

Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes

Yes, yes, we know: you thought it was going to be Louie Gohmert. There is no disputing it — the man really is the dumbest piece of fecal-infused dough in Congress, and that is really saying something. But the thing is, Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year is more than just a yardstick of dumbth. It is, rather, an all-around honor, a recognition of the member of the legislative branch who has done the most to make America a shittier place. And ol’ Louie, for all his dumbshittery, has just not accomplished much of anything, thank god. Now Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz — there is a man who has truly done some serious fuckery to his adopted nation (America, not Canada, where he is actually from), plunging the entire U.S. government into a cesspit full of exploding foamy pigshit for 16 days, then climbing out of the steaming wreckage, pointing proudly at the mess, and beaming, “Lookie what I did!” Read more on Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes…
  the best of the worst

All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!

A big congratulatory rubber-gloved handshake to Tennessee state Sen. Stacey Campfield, our inaugural winner of the Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, State Legislator Division. And indeed, who more fitting than the very man who inspired the creation of the award? And so we doff our leather kitten headgear to you, Insert Name Here Stacey Campfield, for outstanding achievement in the field of trying to make life miserable for the people of State Tennessee. Read more on All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!…
  History 101

Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever

Good morning, godless heathens who are destroying America with your godless heathenism! Whatcha doin’? Destroying America with your godless heathenism? Yeah, we thought so. And Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, would sure like you to stop doing that. Gohmert is one of the mostest greatest deep thinking deep thinkers of our time, who is A Expert on all matters of importance in this day and age, including caribou sexytime, how the damned poors get fat on crab legs with their food stamps, and why, just hypothetically speaking, Congress should maybe impeach President Obama if he ever lets Republicans force him to default on America’s debt. So how is Gohmert trying to help us save us from ourselves and the total destruction of these United States? Supporting increasing the minimum wage? Encouraging the uninsured to enroll in Obamacare? Free abortion on demand? Hahaha, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Gohmert’s save America plan today is so much simpler than all that commie nonsense. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever…
  children of a lesser godwin

Arizona Legislator Will Stop ‘De Fuhrer’ Obama From Sending Parks & Monuments To Gas Chambers

Arizona state Rep. Brenda Barton is not going to stand for the Nazi tactics of Nazi Barack Hussein Obamanazi and his Nazi government shutdown Park Service Nazis anymore, because they’ve Nazi’d the Nazi Nazi Nazis all to Nazi. On Facebook Monday, Barton called for a common-sense approach to dealing with parks and monuments closed by the government shutdown: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?” At press time, it was unclear whether “De Fuhrer” was a typo or a perfectly hilarious means of reminding Obama that he is as black as Hitler’s BFF Jesse Owens. Read more on Arizona Legislator Will Stop ‘De Fuhrer’ Obama From Sending Parks & Monuments To Gas Chambers…
  what's the opposite of nice time?

Florida Congressthing Ileana Ros-Lehtinen Killed Anti-Child-Bride Bill, Because Abortion

Sometimes, life just sucks. Not the Oh God What Did Glenn Beck Say This Time sucks, but the for reals, what is wrong with the world kind of suck. The kind that leaves you wanting to weep, drink heavily, and then weep some more. This is one of those times, per Reuters: An eight-year-old Yemeni girl died of internal bleeding on her wedding night after marrying a man five times her age, a social activist and two local residents said, in a case that has caused an outcry in the media and revived debate about child brides. There are about eighty gazillion things wrong with that sentence. And you wanna know an additional terrible part? There was a bill in Congress to help deal with this very issue… you’ll never guess which party killed it!! (Spoiler: It was Republicans.)  Read more on Florida Congressthing Ileana Ros-Lehtinen Killed Anti-Child-Bride Bill, Because Abortion…
  a plague o' both thy houses

Ancient North Carolina Lady Resigns Senate To Personally Register Every Voter Herself

Progressive state Sen. Ellie Kinnaird resigned her seat in the North Carolina Senate Monday so that she can work on a project to register voters and help ensure that people get proper ID so they can vote despite the state’s idiotic new voter suppression laws. Can we nominate someone for Legislative Badass of the Year even though she came to our attention for leaving the state legislature? When it’s a body as thoroughly awful as this year’s North Carolina General Assembly — our first whole-legislature nominee for Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year — then leaving is probably the smartest move. Read more on Ancient North Carolina Lady Resigns Senate To Personally Register Every Voter Herself…
  the forever war

Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats

Tennessee State Senator and inaugural nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award Stacey Campfield must have been worried that we’d forgotten all about him, so he’s introduced legislation that protects the sacred right of teachers and students to say “Merry Christmas” in public schools. “This stops all these silly lawsuits that say you can’t say ‘merry Christmas’ or ‘happy Hanukkah’ or have a Christmas tree,” said Campfield, R-Knoxville, who has pre-filed SB1425 for consideration by the General Assembly in 2014. Campfield was unable to actually identify a single case of a lawsuit being filed over what the bill calls “traditional greetings” during “winter celebrations,” but says that he knows people who are “afraid of lawsuits,’ possibly because they, like Campfield, are idiots who have convinced themselves that Christians in Tennessee are a persecuted minority. Read more on Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats…
  there's a whopper here but it ain't a burger

Oklahoma Up-And-Comer Markwayne Mullin Protects America From Inflation, Math

Oklahoma concresscritter Markwayne “Not a Typo” Mullin is burning up the Saying Dumb Shit At Town Halls circuit this week! Last time we saw him, he was explaining that while he agrees with birthers, they can’t win, and also we need to get rid of food assistance because he saw a physically fit couple with an EBT card this one time. Next on his hit list: the minimum wage, which can’t be raised by $2.25 because prices would then quadruple for everything, and this is a Science Fact: When a constituent asked Mullin for his take on the push to raise the minimum wage to $10 an hour at an Afton, Oklahoma town hall meeting last Thursday, Mullin responded with a question of his own: “You guys wanna pay $20 for a hamburger at McDonald’s?” “If you wanna increase it, that’s great, but what you’re gonna do is punish everybody along the way,” Mullin elaborated. All the best slippery slopes are lubricated with beef fat! Read more on Oklahoma Up-And-Comer Markwayne Mullin Protects America From Inflation, Math…
  markwayne's worldwayne

Up-And-Coming Oklahoma Rep. Markwayne Mullin Vs. The Birther Princess & The Physically Fit Poors

On the one hand, Oklahoma congresscritter Markwayne “Not a typo” Mullin doesn’t have a lot of patience for this self-described “Birther Princess” who keeps trying to hand him Joe Arpaio’s absolutely conclusive Birther Holy Grail. In fact, at one point (1:08), he even says, “Honestly, I don’t even give a shit.” We’d really like to applaud him for that. On the other hand, he doesn’t think the Birther Princess is wrong, just that continuing to talk about the birth certificate is bad tactics: “…we lost that argument November 6. We had 4 years to get that proven and we didn’t, we reelected him, so that’s a dead issue.” Mullin even takes the opportunity to announce that he’s a birther too — “I believe what you’re saying,” he adds (2:55). But by then, it’s too late for solidarity, and the poor spurned dissident stomps out of the meeting, muttering, “But he’s not a real President!” A sympathetic member of the audience posted the video to YouTube, complete with a Fox-News-inspired identification of Mullin’s party as “D” (there are no “D’s” in the Oklahoma delegation). Read more on Up-And-Coming Oklahoma Rep. Markwayne Mullin Vs. The Birther Princess & The Physically Fit Poors…