Tag Archives: lawyers

  ballroom blitz

Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party

Image via Federalist Society video If you were in the nation’s capital over the weekend, you might have sensed a certain something in the air. Beyond DC’s typical ambient pomposity, there was an extra whiff of self-satisfied libertarianism and an elevated concentration of unironic bowties in the area of Connecticut and L, where the Federalist Society had set up shop for the 2014 National Lawyers Convention [sic: we’ve sent a search party for the apostrophe that has apparently gone missing from that title]. Read more on Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party…
  That's Our Katie!

Stupid Prosecutors Tried To Get Prison Time For Felon Dinesh D’Souza, Unfair!

This guy gets it.
Tuesday was the day of reckoning for fish-lipped poop goblin Dinesh D’Souza to stand tall before The Man and learn his sentence for funneling illegal donations to a friend’s senate campaign. Both prosecutors and defense lawyers had submitted sentencing memos arguing for particular punishments ahead of time. Prosecutors wanted to send D’Souza up the river to the big house for 10 to 16 months, while Fish Lips’ own attorney argued for probation. This was the perfect opportunity for our favorite Girl Friday, wingnut sock puppet Katie Pavlich, to again prove that she knows nothing about the legal system by completely twisting ordinary legal maneuvering into nefarious and unethical machinations by the Justice Department to silence a prominent Obama critic. Let’s lawsplore for our latest edition of That’s Our Katie!: Read more on Stupid Prosecutors Tried To Get Prison Time For Felon Dinesh D’Souza, Unfair!…
  reindeer games

Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over

Kerry Bentivolio
In Kerry Bentivolio‘s short legislative career, brought to you by the staggering incompetence and possible sabotage of the dunces on his predecessor’s campaign staff, the reindeer-wrangler-turned-congressman has fought for his tea party values, dreamed dreams of impeachment, and promised to look into which shadowy forces in particular are behind these nefarious chemtrails afflicting the population. Now the truth about the government’s secretive Death From Above program might never be known, so we hope the 11th Congressional District of Michigan is pleased with itself: on Tuesday night, Kerry Bentivolio lost his primary by 32 points. The Wonkette Preemptive Nostalgia Desk now presents a look back at the Accidental Congressman’s unlikely trot through the lower chamber. Read more on Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over…
  texas finally gets one right

Nice Time: Falsely Convicted Man Uses Settlement For Scholarship To Make More Bleeding Heart Defense Lawyers

Much though we love feeding you guys a constant diet of anger porn, once in a while we come across a story where just about everybody gets a hug (but only if it’s consensual). And from the always-awesome Texas Monthly, here is that story for today: After spending 18 years in prison — 12 on death row — for a murder he didn’t commit, Anthony Graves was awarded $1.45 million in compensation by the Texas Legislature in 2011. And apart from a few treats — a car for his mom, a BMW convertible for himself — he’s been trying to put the money to use for others. He started a foundation for children whose parents are incarcerated, and now, he’s endowed a scholarship at the University of Texas Law school in the name of the attorney who won his freedom. You may want to have a hankie handy. Read more on Nice Time: Falsely Convicted Man Uses Settlement For Scholarship To Make More Bleeding Heart Defense Lawyers…
  one of these things is not like the other

Pennsylvania GOP Governor Logically Compares Gay People To Dumb Little Children

Pennsylvania Republican Governor Tom Corbett is not a happy man. He is bound and determined to stop a county-level municipal employee from spreading human rights and dignity, because that is not appropriate on Corbett’s watch. Since July 24, a Montgomery County official, D. Bruce Hanes, has been issuing marriage licenses to any old Adam and Steve who apply — and has issued 154 marriage licenses to sodomites and lesbomites since then. Gov. Corbett knows that ya gotta keep a close eye on that shit, or pretty soon traditional marriage will be destroyed, which would force cows and goats to marry pineapples, obviously. Gov. Corbett’s administration is not taking this promotion of basic decency sitting down — they are fighting it in court, per Philly.com: In a brief Wednesday, state attorneys said those marriage licenses were never valid, and compared gay and lesbian couples to “12-year-olds” who are also barred from marrying under state law. Come on, 12-year-olds… everyone knows you need to go to Alabama. But while you work on getting those parental consent forms, let’s wonksplore this Pennsylvania issue some more.  Read more on Pennsylvania GOP Governor Logically Compares Gay People To Dumb Little Children…
  Money is overrated

Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds

What a tempting offer for our nation’s cadre of experienced lawyers: work for the Justice Department, reviewing applications for wiretaps in major federal criminal investigations. Probably this is pretty easy, given (as we’ve recently learned) that there is no reason NOT to ever wiretap! So if you want something a little more challenging, perhaps you can serve as a special attorney in the Office of Enforcement Operations. But wait! There’s more! Not only could you maybe work for the Justice Department for a year in either of these important positions, you can do it in exchange for absolutely no money! Yes! That’s right! You will get paid in Experience, which, like Exposure, is even better than money! Read more on Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds…
  Jesus Built My Hotrod Of Correction

Here Are Your ‘Winning’ Bradlee Dean Pix ‘N Lawyer Letters (You Win Nothing!)

After we received a delightful phoney-baloney legal threat from Expert Showman Bradlee Dean’s assistant lickspittle, just because we supposably “defamed” Dean by directly quoting him, we asked you, the Wonkettariat, to show us your fauxto chops and serve us up some manipulated images, for Comedy! We also asked you to prepare us some lawyerly replies to the underling’s Nastygram. And did you ever come through! Our winning entry, above, is by “Muhammed_PBUH,” who will receive a brand-new Wonkette “Rod of Correction” Edition M1A Abrams Main Battle Tank, perfect for home or office use. More exciting Pix ‘n’ Letters after the jump! Read more on Here Are Your ‘Winning’ Bradlee Dean Pix ‘N Lawyer Letters (You Win Nothing!)…
  bloated sacks of shit

Wonkette Bradlee Dean Photoshop Funtimes And Legal Letter Contest!

Hey, remember today? When we got that hilares letter informing us that we better, like, say sorry or something, and DEFINITELY take down all that libel-y stuff about one Mr. Herr Doktor Bradlee Dean? Well, some of you asked for a Photoshop contest, but we will do you one better! Since so many Wonkerados are attorneys (in addition to like two thirds of our writing staff), we thought we would let you have some Sexy Lawyer Funtime too! Read more on Wonkette Bradlee Dean Photoshop Funtimes And Legal Letter Contest!…
  baby it's dumb outside

Super Appropriate Professional Holiday Card: Sexy Santa Goes To Thailand

This will come as no surprise to most of you, dear readers, but sometimes lawyers are really terrible people with low social skills. From the weird commercials (no really go watch it now now now because there is a lawyer getting pelted with ham and bacon) to the petty grifting (you stole neckties, really? that’s your crime, lawyer? DO BETTER CRIME!), there are any number of reminders that law is not currently America’s most noble profession (that’s the priesthood, duh). One of the worst terrible lawyer traditions is the law firm Christmas card. It tries (and usually fails) to be respectful of non-Christian denominations. It tries (and usually fails) to not look like a pitch for business. These things all pale, however, in the face of this magnificence: Read more on Super Appropriate Professional Holiday Card: Sexy Santa Goes To Thailand…
  big chief law lady

Did Elizabeth Warren Illegally Practice Law In Massachusetts, By Which We Mean New Jersey?

After War Whoop Tuesday, it has been literally hours since someone made an offensively stupid allegation about Elizabeth Warren in the Massachusetts Senate race. Never fear, though – there’s an endless supply! Cornell law professor William Jacobson alleges that Warren practiced law illegally in Massachusetts because, while she was a professor at Harvard, she provided legal advice to a New Jersey client in a bankruptcy case in the bankruptcy court for the District of New Jersey. Warren was licensed in New Jersey; she was not in Massachusetts. Cornell law professor William Jacobson is a clown. Read more on Did Elizabeth Warren Illegally Practice Law In Massachusetts, By Which We Mean New Jersey?…
  a personal injury

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser

UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you! Read more on Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser…
  wizarding wars

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty. Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors…
  district of cord

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches! Read more on DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans…
  lawyers v. hamburgers

Lawyers Hate the Burger Trend As Much As You Do

The angry lawyers at the law firm Steptoe & Johnson actually SUED the Dupont Circle hamburger shop Rogue States because the alleged smell of burning dead animal was wafting up from the restaurant into the firm’s offices, making the lawyers sick and distracting them from doing whatever the remaining employed lawyers do with their billable hours. And they won: Rogue States is now closed. Read more on Lawyers Hate the Burger Trend As Much As You Do…
  major oily taitz

U.S. (Kenya) Supreme Court Refuses Orly Taitz’s Appeal

America’s top J.D.-D.D.S. Orly Taitz has somehow lost her chance to appeal the $20,000 fine levied on her by a federal judge in October for filing “frivolous” litigation that the LSM doesn’t want you to know about. Apparently the Supreme Court does not want to tear this woman apart, in what would be the most entertaining trial ever. Who’s at fault? YOU GUESSED IT, Samuel Alito, who hates fun and denied the request. But Orly’s fight is not over. She is now appealing the decision to “an international court of Human Rights.” Read more on U.S. (Kenya) Supreme Court Refuses Orly Taitz’s Appeal…
  blessing of the lawyers

Gulf Coast Lawyers, Your Recession Is Over!

We just finished listening to that BP investors’ conference call — because we are, ultimately, business journalists — and we’re really regretting not going to law school now like all the other poor journalists. That $20 billion in U.S. assets that BP is setting aside? It’s strictly for claims, not for fines, not for any kind of government penalty for the Terrible Oil Disaster. Let’s see let’s see what’s 50% of $20 billion? Oh, well it’s going to be a very good next seven or eight years for the Wonkette & Associates chain of storefront legal services retail locations! Come on in, Mister Dubious Shrimp Guy, and let’s tally up your losses if you hadn’t sold your boat in ’07. Read more on Gulf Coast Lawyers, Your Recession Is Over!…
  kept at sea for 40 hours

Deepwater Horizon Kept Oil Rig Survivors Detained Until They Signed Legal Documents

The workers who survived the awful explosion of the Deepwater Horizon/BP oil rig weren’t simply taken back to shore after their harrowing escape and rescue — instead, according to lawyers for the survivors and interviews with The Guardian, they were detained for up to 40 hours at sea, unable to even call their families until they had signed legal documents absolving Deepwater Horizon. Read more on Deepwater Horizon Kept Oil Rig Survivors Detained Until They Signed Legal Documents…
  reasons people hate washington

Evil Fired White House Counsel Whore-Dragon Greg Craig Will Save Goldman Sachs

Washington! “Goldman Sachs is launching an aggressive response to its political and legal challenges with an unlikely ally at its side — President Barack Obama’s former White House counsel, Gregory Craig. The beleaguered Wall Street bank hired Craig — now in private practice at Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom — in recent weeks to help in navigate the halls of power in Washington, a source familiar with the firm told POLITICO.” Read more on Evil Fired White House Counsel Whore-Dragon Greg Craig Will Save Goldman Sachs…
  rumors on the internets

Today Marks The Day Rush Limbaugh Squirmed Out Of Mrs. Limbaugh, And Into Our Hearts And Minds

David Rees knows that you tentatively plan on touching yourself every time you see Sarah Palin on Fox News. David Rees, always judging! [True/Slant: David Rees] Do not even think about inviting Roger Ailes to your kegger, unless you want to get punched in the dick, as is his wont. [The Plank] Read more on Today Marks The Day Rush Limbaugh Squirmed Out Of Mrs. Limbaugh, And Into Our Hearts And Minds…
  sexy times

BOOK LAWYERS ON THE LOOSE! Another website has received a cease-and-desist letter from HarperCollins’ lawyers for publishing full-page scans. We haven’t! But your editor has decided to delete the full-page excerpts we’ve published — for now — so he won’t have to care about this for the rest of the night. Read more on …
  heads will roll

‘The Lawyers, However, Are Another Story’

Well thanks for clearing that up, “administration officials”! On Sunday Rahm Emanuel suggested that “those who devised policy” around torture wouldn’t be prosecuted, but by yesterday other Obama people were rushing to walk that one back. What he meant, apparently, was that officials who ordered the torture shouldn’t be prosecuted, but the lawyers who devised the legal rationale maybe could. Read more on ‘The Lawyers, However, Are Another Story’…