Tag Archives: lawsuits

  yummy!

Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left

A little arsenic never killed anybody, oh wait it did?
  California has no water, basically, because of liberal lies like “climate change” and “a bad drought.” Or maybe there is no water because nature-worshippers stole all of it, to give it to fish. WHATEVER happened, there’s not much left, and now some liberal hippie environment lovers have filed a lawsuit to say “Hey, oil companies, could you stop literally shitting all your toxic waste into our water, of which we have none?” Read more on Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left…
  Cruel And Unusual Nourishment

Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria…

I have a weakness for this stupid movie. It's a dystopian sci-fi remake of friggin' *Casablanca* for chrissake
Turns out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson have something in common besides a fondness for Barb Wire, pink underpants, and relentless attention-seeking: They both think a vegetarian diet is just peachy, especially if you can impose it on people who have absolutely no say in the matter, i.e., prisoners at the Maricopa County Jail. Read more on Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria……
  Frivolous lawsuits

Butthurt Michigan Woman Sues Planet Fitness For Being Nice To Transgenders

Behind door number three is this bitch named Yvette, who isn't allowed at this gym anymore.
Some weeks back, we had a Nice Time, about a Michigan lady, Yvette Cormier, who was bitching and moaning about the fact that her local Planet Fitness allows transgender people to use bathrooms and locker rooms that correspond to their gender identities. She huffed and puffed about a “man” being in the locker room (it was a trans woman), and Planet Fitness decided, to hell with it, and terminated her membership — Cormier’s, not the trans woman — citing the fact that it’s very boldly stated, in their policies and on their website, that they are a No Judgement [sic] Zone. Read more on Butthurt Michigan Woman Sues Planet Fitness For Being Nice To Transgenders…
  Can't wait to hear what this dude has to say about Muslims

Lawsuit Alleges Nice California Teacher Taught Students About Racism, By Being Racist

Yes, kiddo, it is.
Racial transcendence is alive and well in Brentwood, California, if the allegations in a new lawsuit are true. The case states that Steven Carnine, an 8th grade history teacher at Paul Revere Charter Middle School and Magnet Center, figured that the best way to teach his kids, several of whom are Not White, about racism, would be just to lob a bunch of racial stereotypes at them: Read more on Lawsuit Alleges Nice California Teacher Taught Students About Racism, By Being Racist…
  How are the gays messing with Texas today?

Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses

Every gay Texan has the right to care for a sick spouse of the opposite sex!
Texas is pulling out all the stops to make sure the gay-marrieds are completely unable to mess with Texas, right up until June, when the Supreme Court is probably going to mess with Texas in such a gay way that they’ll be walking funny for days. Today’s Texan hero is Attorney General Ken Paxton, who has filed a lawsuit against the overreaching federal government, because they don’t want to give family leave to gays who have sick, gay spouses: Read more on Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  minor indiscretions

Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use

Joseph Dee Morrissey, at least for the moment, stubbornly remains a Democratic member of the Virginia House. He was all “okay, fine, I’ll resign, GOD” after pleading guilty to a misdemeanor to avoid trial for child pornography, then announced he planned to stay in office while running in the special election for his replacement in order to remove the “taint over his seat.” He was totally busted this week campaigning in front of a grocery store, which is verboten under his day-release conditions as a criminal who sleeps in a jail, but a judge declined to lock him up for real to avoid “interfering with an election.” Read more on Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use…
  buzzkills

Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man

Colorado is coming up on its one-year weediversary! In keeping with the paper gift traditionally given on first anniversaries, two of its neighbors went in on a lovingly handcrafted lawsuit. In the most serious legal challenge to date against Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, two neighboring states have asked the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the history-making law. Read more on Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man…
  dept. of having many leather-bound books

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Tries To Defend Himself, Re-Steps On His Own Dick

Important thoughts from a man who looks like a thumb.
Poop spigot Ron Fournier took quite a hiding on the Internet yesterday over his regular outbreak of “both sides-ism,” and rightly so. Today he is back to try to explain himself with a whiny and defensive column that still manages to be flat-out wrong. If yesterday’s piece was the dumpster fire of centrist columns, today’s is the political pundit equivalent of that Harmony Korine movie about people who like to fuck garbage. And yet, today he’s also getting an example of both sides-ism that is probably giving No Labels an orgasm powerful enough to blow a hole in space. Let’s take a look! Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Tries To Defend Himself, Re-Steps On His Own Dick…
  ghost of cokeheads past

Frozen Wingnut Lawyer: Blah Blah Blah Shirley Sherrod, Blah Blah Blah Breitbart

Here is an update on the civil lawsuit Sherrod v. Breitbart stemming from the hatchet job of a video that cost Shirley Sherrod her position at the United States Department of Agriculture four years ago. We are pleased to report that Sherrod is still suing Andrew Breitbart, and Andrew Breitbart is still dead. Read more on Frozen Wingnut Lawyer: Blah Blah Blah Shirley Sherrod, Blah Blah Blah Breitbart…
  they should at least stop issuing lolita sunglasses to the altar boys

Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids

Right on the heels of suspending the “Bling Bishop,” New Pope has another misbehaving European prelate on his hands: Archbishop Jozef Michalik, the head of the Polish Episcopate, who kind of made everybody in Poland groan and slap their foreheads (we hope?) for suggesting that children abused by priests share some of the blame for getting themselves raped: A child from a troubled family, Michalik told reporters, “seeks closeness with others and may get lost and may get the other person involved, too.” Yes. If these troubled children would just stop being so darned seductive and pouty and vulnerable and most importantly alone, then adult men would not be tempted to do sexual predation on them. That’s just basic psychology, straight from the gospel of personal pedophile responsibility. Read more on Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids…
  abortion + sex abuse claims + ??? = profit!

Anti-Abortion Plan Funded By Fracking Billionaire About As Ethical As You’d Expect

So here’s some conclusive evidence that hydraulic fracturing is bad for women’s health: A guy who became a billionaire in the industry is bankrolling an effort to persuade lawyers to sue abortion providers for malpractice and put them out of business. Kate Sheppard at Mother Jones reports that a Texas group called “Life Dynamics” is direct mailing tens of thousands of DVDs to attorneys: Read more on Anti-Abortion Plan Funded By Fracking Billionaire About As Ethical As You’d Expect…
  That'll Buff Right Out

She’s Really Sorry, Y’all: Six Cynical Ways Paula Deen Can Rehabilitate Her Image

Psychocaloric teevee food ogress Paula Deen said some bad stuff about racial stuff, and now she is unemployed, like a common Poor! Remember when Yr Wonkette covered the lawsuit — a story which we think we might have broken, sure why not — that elicited Deen’s recent, be-n-worded deposition before The Law? Having been place under oath, she could not lie about having used a word that rhymes with bigger (ironically? colloquially?) in “the ’60s” (when it was okay) and maybe after, it’s unclear and very ALLEGED. Weirdly, the Big Story is that Paula Deen said a word, but somehow it is not that Paula Deen may have known that her brother Bubba, who was/is in charge of stuff she owns, ALLEGEDLY abused employees, called them the n-word, hated on women, showed off porn, was always drunk, and did other hostile workplace hi-jinx, and Paula Deen didn’t do anything about it. So that’s it, no more Paula Deen to kick around? Of course not, because This Is America! We love to forgive, because it makes us feel good, and powerful! Powerful, because we make those who sin against us perform humiliating acts of self-abasement. Here are six step that Paula Deen could take to retool her image and revive her career. Remember, not everyone has to love her, just enough to make it worth putting her back on teevee. Read more on She’s Really Sorry, Y’all: Six Cynical Ways Paula Deen Can Rehabilitate Her Image…
  winged dickery

Wanker At 30,000 Feet: United Airlines Sued After Letting Man Treat Aisle Seat As His Very Own Cockpit

An 18 year old airline passenger is suing the pants off United Airlines after a flight crew took no action on her repeated complaints about a disgusting passenger who was “masturbating and exposing his penis” for “long periods” on a six-hour flight last October. Monica Amestoy, who was 17 at the time, is seeking damages for negligence, intentional infliction of emotional distress and false imprisonment. Yr Wonkette hopes that United is also found liable on grounds of Aggravated What the Fuck, Man? and recommends that everyone who ignored Ms. Amestoy’s complaints is sent.enced to sit next to some sweaty wheezing guy in a cramped commuter jet. With a broken toilet. And seat-kicking toddlers behind them. Forever. Read more on Wanker At 30,000 Feet: United Airlines Sued After Letting Man Treat Aisle Seat As His Very Own Cockpit…
  no one knows what it's like to be a sad man

Whoops Looks Like Your Wonket Is Getting Sued Again Maybe, But Probably Not (Update: Almost Definitely Not!)

UPDATE: We are almost certain the entire “Legal Defense Fund” website is a hoax to make Mr. M. Joseph Sheppard look bad, which is a shame. Mr. M. Joseph Sheppard will look how he will look without help from any “clever” Internet folk. We apologize for having been very stupid. SHAME ON US. SHAME. SHAAAAAAME. Read more on Whoops Looks Like Your Wonket Is Getting Sued Again Maybe, But Probably Not (Update: Almost Definitely Not!)…
  damages

Hero Judge Teabags Birther To Tune Of $177 Large

Brooklyn judge Arthur Schack pulled out his punking thesaurus the other day to slap down birther Christopher Earl Strunk’s latest frivolous lawsuit (of around 20), which claims that your Barry Soetoro is not eligible to run for preznet. In a written order, Schack went all Gabe Kotter on Strunk, saying that his 2011 suit was “fanciful, delusional and irrational,” and that Strunk’s sister was so low that she plays handball on the curb (probably). Lest Strunk miss the point of this dozening and think about suit No. 21, Schack also charged him $167,000 for opposing attorney’s fees, and fined him $10k, for larfs. Read more on Hero Judge Teabags Birther To Tune Of $177 Large…
  win of the afternoon

Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC

It turns out everyone’s favorite closeted homosexual support group the Republican Party seems to have wanted Lady Gaga at last summer’s Republican National Convention far more than it wanted noted sleeping aid Mitt Romney there: according to the hilarious details of a lawsuit against one of the RNC vendors, Lady Gaga was offered one million dollars to perform at the convention. Let’s all take a moment to hope that there is a parallel universe out there where she did in fact agree to appear for all the squealing Republican convention-goers, so we may all imagine the waxy tears in Lindsey Graham’s eyes as he mouthed along to the lyrics from his front-row seat. Read more on Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC…
  beat your children well

Bradlee Dean, Who Has Never Advocated Beating Children, Advocates Beating Children Again

Wonket bestie Bradlee Dean is still trying to tell schools how they should be, even though he keeps getting chased out of schools (and even whole towns!) for being The Worst. But here is a funny thing! In his newest “Good Old Days” column, in which he pines for a yesteryear when children could take shotguns to school and children would fistfight and then “shake hands and become the best of friends” (presumably because the schools were only filled with civilized white children is our educated guess), Bradlee Dean says we should be whipping children with belts! EVEN THOUGH he has threatened to sue your Wonket for saying he advocates beating children, because he says he has never advocated beating children! We will be sure to take a screenshot for our eventual countersuit in which we TRIUMPH and seize Bradlee Dean’s (probably) AMC Pacer. Bradlee Dean should really stop typing things, or saying things, or looking like that, with his face. Read more on Bradlee Dean, Who Has Never Advocated Beating Children, Advocates Beating Children Again…
  eat your beets or you're going to jail

Mommyblogging! New Mexico Jailers Send Man To His Room For Two Years, By Accident!

Well, here is a terrible story out of New Mexico that is about as funny as a feminist: A 59-year-old man jailed (BUT NEVER PROSECUTED OR CONVICTED) for alleged DUI was dumped into solitary confinement to keep him away from other prisoners due to his history of mental illness — and left there for almost two years! We are sure we will think of a joke to say about this … hmmm … welllll … a little help here, guys? Read more on Mommyblogging! New Mexico Jailers Send Man To His Room For Two Years, By Accident!…
  best of luck and whatnot

Betsy Rothstein, FishbowlDC Sued Just For Calling Some Publicist A Slut Every Week For A Year

“Why is Betsy Rothstein such a fucking cunt?” we were asking sometime last year, after FishbowlDC editor Betsy Rothstein decided we were a giant alcoholic who loves to make things up (fine) without even checking to see if we were indeed making things up! (We weren’t; the goodly folks at Politico had their own thoughts on the matter; and even after they’d confirmed parts of our story that Rothstein had insisted we’d invented, that was just another reason for her to say we’d invented them; because Betsy Rothstein is a really good journalist fucking cunt.) “Oh, she does that to everybody,” said everybody. Read more on Betsy Rothstein, FishbowlDC Sued Just For Calling Some Publicist A Slut Every Week For A Year…
  welcome to the jungle

Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons

If there is one thing you will learn from the workplace accident documentary Extract, it is that losing one ball is the sweet spot in any work-injury claim. Lose both, and the jury can’t identify with you, as they themselves would never — could never — be similarly unmanned. Lose neither, and why are they giving you money again? But lose one, and you are still a man, just barely, your masculinity hanging by a delicate thread. But what if you have both nuts extant, but they have been fried beyond redemption by gamma rays from Mars or whatever because some insane billionaire Newt Gingrich backer insists you x-ray his mail and that lead aprons are for pussies? Well, some stupid peons are trying to find out! Read more on Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons…
  freedom!

‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Cops Tell Women Before Giving Them Roadside Handies

Why is that cop putting on rubber gloves and coming towards me, you might be wondering next time you are pulled over for littering and live in Texas and see a cop coming towards you wearing rubber gloves. Oh THAT, don’t worry about that, just close your eyes and think of England! This is what Texas cops told a woman and her niece moments before giving them full body cavity searches right by the side of the road, in full view of everyone, because they “smelled marijuana.” (They did not say to think of England, but they did say don’t worry, and also, they did not change gloves.) Read more on ‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Cops Tell Women Before Giving Them Roadside Handies…