Tag Archives: law

  That's Why You're The Judge And I'm The Law-Talkin' Guy

Florida Tries To Ban Teen Sexting, Forgets One Small Detail

That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talkin' guy.
Florida’s brilliant legislature was in such a rush to get tough on sexxxy teens sending hawt newd pix to one another that they forgot to make their law enforceable in court. Oops! Read more on Florida Tries To Ban Teen Sexting, Forgets One Small Detail…
  it depends on what your definition of 'is' is

We Promise You’ll Enjoy All The Exasperated Yelling In This New Rich Media NYT Lawyer Video

Good on the NYT for trying to keep up with the Cool Kids of New Media. For example, they’ve started Op-Docs, which are basically short editorial documentaries. Great idea, terrible name. Anyway, this week’s Op-Doc is the dramatization of a ridiculous legal transcript. Now, the transcript in question is no Donald Sterling lawsuit transcript, but it’s pretty good. Read more on We Promise You’ll Enjoy All The Exasperated Yelling In This New Rich Media NYT Lawyer Video…
  eye of the beholder

S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)

A new ad implies that South Carolina’s Democratic candidate for governor, Vincent Sheheen, advocates punching your girlfriend in the face. Allegedly, Sheheen is not just soft on crime, he actually sides with criminals, supporting your right to rape and pillage. It must be true: the Republican Governors Association told us so. Rachel Maddow, and everyone else in the world with any sense, politely disagrees, because it’s possible that the RGA has forgotten how the U.S. legal system works. It turns out, the claims in the attack ad stem from the work that Sheheen did as a defense attorney. And everyone knows that defending a person’s rights as specified in the 6th Amendment to the Constitution is tantamount to condoning their behavior. Just ask President John Adams, best known for condoning the Boston Massacre. Wait, that’s not what President Adams is best known for? Read more on S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)…
  communists under the bed

Commies at ‘Business Insider’ Just Cold Destroying Capitalism Now

How wonderful, the last time we checked in with Business Insider they were running articles on how you are not a winner if you want to see your wife and kids every so often, but now they are run by a bona fide Commie! Yes! A Commie! The Commie, one Henry Blodget, is complaining about late capitalism and all of its foundational premises: specifically, that businesses have a legal obligation to maximize shareholder value at the expense of, oh, worker quality of life, community well being, and basically the entire economy: One of the big reasons the U.S. economy is so lousy is that big American companies are hoarding cash and “maximizing profits” instead of investing in their people and future projects. This behavior is contributing to record income inequality in the country and starving the primary engine of U.S. economic growth — the vast American middle class — of purchasing power. Ha ha ha, we no longer have a middle class, so the joke is on you! Read more on Commies at ‘Business Insider’ Just Cold Destroying Capitalism Now…
  we will find a nice time post for you eventually we swear

A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!

Here is today’s quiz about capitalism: if y0u are in the prison-running business and you want to make a profit, do you: a) staff the prison with as few people as possible (to save money on wages) b) provide prisoners with plastic bags instead of toilets (to save money on expenses associated with water, plumbing, and whatnot) c) refuse to give prisoners prescribed medication (to save money on expenses associated with adequate medical care) d) lock mentally ill patients in solitary confinement instead of providing them with mental health care (to save money on expenses associated with adequate mental health care) e) all of the above. If you guessed “all of the above” you win the prize, you win the prize! Who would have guessed that the for-profit prison model articulates so well with depriving prisoners of humane conditions? A shocking twist indeed! From the Southern Poverty Law Center, which filed a federal lawsuit yesterday on behalf of prisoners at the East Mississippi Correctional Facility: [The prison is] a filthy, dangerous facility “operating in a perpetual state of crisis” where prisoners are at “grave risk of death and loss of limbs” and often resort to setting fires to receive medical attention. Read more on A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!…
  communists under the bed

Texas Dingbat Ted Cruz Will Explain At You That Harvard Law Is Full of Government-Overthrowing Communists

Have you met Ted Cruz yet? He is the new face of crazy for the Republican party, and boy does he have it all — the smug countenance of Paul Ryan! The poise of Joe McCarthy! And the batshit crazy of Rand Paul, or Ron Paul, whatever — either way, he is THAT CRAZY! Did you know, for example, that Harvard Law was stuffed with Commies back in the ’90s, and that they wanted The Communists to overthrow the government? From the New Yorker: Two and a half years ago, Cruz gave a stem-winder of a speech at a Fourth of July weekend political rally in Austin, Texas, in which he accused the Harvard Law School of harboring a dozen Communists on its faculty when he studied there…Cruz greeted the audience jovially, but soon launched an impassioned attack on President Obama, whom he described as “the most radical” President “ever to occupy the Oval Office.” (I was covering the conference and kept the notes.) He then went on to assert that Obama, who attended Harvard Law School four years ahead of him, “would have made a perfect president of Harvard Law School.” The reason, said Cruz, was that, “There were fewer declared Republicans in the faculty when we were there than Communists! There was one Republican. But there were twelve who would say they were Marxists who believed in the Communists overthrowing the United States government.” Read more on Texas Dingbat Ted Cruz Will Explain At You That Harvard Law Is Full of Government-Overthrowing Communists…
  lawmakers + booze = governance

Millions of Americans Can Breathe Sigh Of Relief Now That We Are Safe From Unlocked Phones

Good news everyone! We are relieved, we are SO relieved, because as of Saturday, there are criminal penalties (including jail time and a fine of up to $500,000) for unlocking your phone so you can switch cel phone providers. Is this an oversight, you might be wondering? A mere loophole in an otherwise sound piece of legislation? Maybe there is a good explanation! No, of course there isn’t, this is America, it took a special edict [PDF] from the Librarian of Congress to decide that fines and criminal penalties–including jail time and a fine up to $500,000 — applies to cel phone unlocking. Read more on Millions of Americans Can Breathe Sigh Of Relief Now That We Are Safe From Unlocked Phones…
  justice is blind and also white and male

Justice Scalia Full Of Interesting Opinions About Your Sodomy

Justice Antonin Scalia wants everyone to just keep their panties on, everyone, because “We can disagree with one another on the law without taking it personally.” Totally! So when he says that laws forbidding abortion, the death penalty and buttseks are clearly constitutional, don’t take it personally, gays and criminals and pregnant ladies. After all, figuring what is unconstitutional is a “no-brainer,” so don’t blame him, blame the Founders, who didn’t see fit to specifically enumerate rights for anyone other than educated, white, male landowners living in the early modern period. Read more on Justice Scalia Full Of Interesting Opinions About Your Sodomy…
  big chief law lady

Did Elizabeth Warren Illegally Practice Law In Massachusetts, By Which We Mean New Jersey?

After War Whoop Tuesday, it has been literally hours since someone made an offensively stupid allegation about Elizabeth Warren in the Massachusetts Senate race. Never fear, though – there’s an endless supply! Cornell law professor William Jacobson alleges that Warren practiced law illegally in Massachusetts because, while she was a professor at Harvard, she provided legal advice to a New Jersey client in a bankruptcy case in the bankruptcy court for the District of New Jersey. Warren was licensed in New Jersey; she was not in Massachusetts. Cornell law professor William Jacobson is a clown. Read more on Did Elizabeth Warren Illegally Practice Law In Massachusetts, By Which We Mean New Jersey?…
  get in line at the dmv now

Pennsylvania Judge: Voter ID Law Might Not Disenfranchise Like 700,000 Poor People, So, Upheld!

Pennsylvania passed a new voter ID law without an actual reason why they needed it, which led to the meanies at the ACLU suing because they hate partial democracy with largely arbitrary requirements. Today, a Pennsylvania state judge upheld the law. Commonwealth Judge Robert Simpson said the individuals and civil rights groups challenging the law had not met the heavy burden of proving that it so clearly violated the state constitution that it should not be implemented. He said there was still time for those without proper ID to acquire it. “Petitioners did not establish . . . that disenfranchisement was immediate or inevitable,” Simpson wrote, adding, “I was convinced that Act 18 will be implemented by Commonwealth agencies in a nonpartisan, evenhanded manner.” Sure, that sounds likely! Read more on Pennsylvania Judge: Voter ID Law Might Not Disenfranchise Like 700,000 Poor People, So, Upheld!…
  the airing of the grievances

Protesting Now Illegal, Basically

Look at what the freedom-hating Chinese government has done! They’ve gone and passed a law saying that it is illegal to enter a “restricted” area even if you didn’t know that the space was restricted, and also made it illegal to protest in said “restricted” area or do anything that could be “disruptive,” like booing. Except just kidding, it wasn’t passed in China; it was passed in the United States, and it also makes protest punishable by up to ten years if it’s carried out anywhere that the Secret Service is or will be temporarily visiting. Read more on Protesting Now Illegal, Basically…
  crazy old men

Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution

Yesterday, we learned that noted constitutional scholar Ron Paul accepts and cashes his Social Security check even though it is “unconstitutional.” He did not say why, exactly, Social Security is unconstitutional (although Your Wonkette suspects it has something to do with his poor grasp of a common law system), and so it remains one in a long list of items that Ron Paul thinks is unconstitutional absent any discussion of relevant jurisprudence. Of course, as we all know, ThinkProgress released a 2011 video listing all the things that Ron Paul finds unconstitutional but since then, there have been more! And there are some that ThinkProgress missed!  For example, did you know that sexual harassment is TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL but abortion is not? YES. It’s TRUE. So please behold an updated list of the things that would be unconstitutional in a Ron Paul presidency, as well as a list of things that are in fact Constitutional, which will allow for more substantive critical analysis. Read more on Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution…
  Ungrateful Dead

Egypt Bringing New Meaning To Term ‘Cold Fish’ (UPDATED!)

The mysterious land of Egypt has always been known for three things: Pyramids, the Sphinx and sex with dead people. Now husbands who have been married for years with the same wife may be able to enjoy a continuing fruitful sex life post mortem (but, sadly, the ‘screw by’ date expires six hours after death). The law — which may in fact just be a smear campaign — could help bridge the gap between Egyptian laws and men’s rights: Egyptian men have been oppressed long enough by having to marry adults and watching women get educated so they can work. Enough is enough. This proposed law allowing men to bid a fond farewell to the corpses of their wives, with their penises, is one of a set brought to you by your friends over at the Islamist-dominated parliament nestled in beautiful downtown Cairo. And men are not the only ones who benefit. Ladies get to enjoy the freedom of marriage as young as 14 with no worry of ever having to better themselves. Who needs school and work when you have a guy at home salivating over the thought of fornicating with your dead body? Oh…and ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands! Good luck! Read more on Egypt Bringing New Meaning To Term ‘Cold Fish’ (UPDATED!)…
  a personal injury

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser

UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you! Read more on Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser…
  let the states decide

South Carolina: Soft On Adultery?

Ever gotten one of those wacky “trivia for reading on the toilet” sorts of books for your birthday, the kind that says, “an antiquated law in Missouri dictates that anyone who puts a mule in a bathtub must be publicly flogged”? Here is another bit of trivia you might find in such a book: apparently South Carolina decreed in 1880 or so that adulterers must pay up to $500 in fines and serve a year in jail. Read more on South Carolina: Soft On Adultery?…
  clownfarts mcold

…AND LEST WE FORGET RICHARD COHEN’S COLUMN TODAY

The worst writer in America, Richard Cohen — that thoughtless, valueless, condescending, sociopathic sexist poster-boy for the vapidity of the Washington Post‘s opinion section — has written such inconsistent snot today that for once, we’re not the only blog making fun of him. He even opened with a smug little “Blogger alert” — “I have written a column in defense of Dick Cheney” — as a holier-than-thou excuse to do no research for his barking, again. The blogs did not pay attention. Others have already pointed out that in his column two weeks ago he declared that torture “unequivocally” works and that any debate about such would be “silly,” while today he writes that despite his disdain (oh?) for Cheney, “I have to wonder whether what he is saying now is the truth — i.e., torture works.” But we thought “wondering” was only something a gay Frenchman would do? Read more on …AND LEST WE FORGET RICHARD COHEN’S COLUMN TODAY…
  freedom of speech

Massive Crowds Turn Out To Protest B-Rock NObama’s Falsified American Citizenship

FIFTEEN GAZILLION angry citizens swamped the steps of the Supreme Court this morning to protest the takeover of the government by the radical Islamic Indonesian bastard orphan and known Kenyan Hussein “Barack” Obama. Some nut recently filed a suit alleging that Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii or somesuch, and so the Supreme Court agreed to review it, along with thousands of other cases they will also decide not to hear this session. A veritable handful of like-minded nuts decided to go to the Supreme Court in a dazzling show of support for this completely insane lawsuit. Read more on Massive Crowds Turn Out To Protest B-Rock NObama’s Falsified American Citizenship…
  ted stevens trial

Ted Stevens Deliberations Disrupted By Crazy Person

The jurors in the corruption trial for corrupt Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens are now in their second day of deliberations, and they’re having trouble! It seems one among them is running around the jury room shouting schizoid psychobabble at the others, which is just not productive at all, and so the other jurors have tattled on her! “In a note to the judge, jurors asked that one of their panel be sent home. The note described the female juror as rude, disrespectful and unreasonable.” We hear that this lady juror’s name is Michele and she’s been calling her colleagues “anti-America” whenever they say anything. Read more on Ted Stevens Deliberations Disrupted By Crazy Person…
  uncle ted's expensive cabin

Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!

Uncle Ted Stevens, the elderly fraud who “gets hysterical when he has to spend his own money,” will soon be going to trial for various lies related to the renovation of his Alaskan Sex Cabin in the wilds of Girdwood. The good people of the Alaska Wilderness Political Fund will be liveblogging the whole agonizing ordeal, from jury selection to the part where Ted Stevens snaps on the witness stand and declares “This whole court’s out of order!” and gets wheeled off for shock treatments while his Inuit pal throws a marble wash station out the window. Catch it all here. [A Bridge to Justice] Read more on Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!…
  trooper pooper

‘Troopergate’ Investigation To Wrap Up Before Anyone Involved Testifies

For further proof of just how bumblefuck a state Alaska is, look no further than the ease with which a couple of lawyers for the McCain campaign have destroyed the Troopergate investigation — which was a legitimate issue in Alaska for a while! — after half-assedly skimming off a few handy topic sentences from the Alaskan law code. Todd Palin and several other witnesses were subpoenaed to testify this morning, but no one bothered to show up, and the investigators don’t give a shit. And now the Alaskan legislator in charge of the investigation has announced that the probe will end, as originally scheduled, on October 10, without these key witness reports, cuz whatcha gonna do? Read more on ‘Troopergate’ Investigation To Wrap Up Before Anyone Involved Testifies…