Tag Archives: laura ingraham

  Thanks Obama AND feminists

Feminism To Blame For White House Security Breach, Obviously

At least we can all agree she isn't the best
Photo by Gage Skidmore The White House has had a number of security problems recently — namely, that there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of security. One could argue that maybe the Secret Service is too busy banging Colombian hookers on the job. But White House Security Expert Laura Ingraham (R-Fox News), who used to work at the White House one time with St. Ronald Reagan, so ergo expert, knows the real reason: It is because, like football, White House security is a man’s game that has been feminized and wussified and political corrected, thanks A LOT, liberals. Read more on Feminism To Blame For White House Security Breach, Obviously…
  There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us

Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out

Help him!
“Help him, help him,” Bill Kristol was sobbing. “Help him, help him.” “Help who? Help who?” Yossarian called back. “Help who?” “The bombardier, the bombardier,” Kristol cried. “He doesn’t answer. Help the bombardier, help the bombardier.” Read more on Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out…
  Thugghazi

Laura Ingraham Explains That Thugs Gonna Thug

Think tank is so thinky
In times of civil unrest and racial tension and cops killing unarmed black teenagers, the number one expert you want to explain it to you is wingnut radio gum-flapper Laura Ingraham. That’s just obvious, at least if you are a Fox & Friends bobblehead: Read more on Laura Ingraham Explains That Thugs Gonna Thug…
  can't....breathe

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor Lost His Primary And We Are Dead From Laughter

We’ve been putting off writing about this all night, not because we don’t know what to say, but because we wanted to let the anticipation build, to feel a thrill up our leg, to see starbursts, and savor that first perfect moment when we type these words: HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC CANTOR LOST HIS FUCKING PRIMARY TO A TEA PARTIER OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Read more on House Majority Leader Eric Cantor Lost His Primary And We Are Dead From Laughter…
  don't get her started on the smoot-hawley tariff

‘Please Stop Laughing At Laura Ingraham’ — Laura Ingraham (Video)

Fox News Sunday was trundling along in a pretty predictable discussion of U.S. American President Barack Obama’s pretty predictable West Point speech, with Laura Ingraham saying that Obama’s statement that America is strong “doesn’t even pass the straight-face test,” because duh, Barack Obama is president, and Bob Woodward saying that there really wasn’t any need for an “Obama Doctrine,” when a bit of teevee news magic happened. Or maybe it was just a cheap shot, but we LOLed. Read more on ‘Please Stop Laughing At Laura Ingraham’ — Laura Ingraham (Video)…
  our liberal media

Laura Inghraham To Bring Her Special Blend Of Hate And Stupid To ABC News

Hissing hate module Laura Ingraham will be joining the roundtable on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos, apparently because they need someone who’s got the guts to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington by cutting off a recording of a speech by John Lewis with the sound of a gunshot. Or maybe they need someone with a keen analytical mind that recognizes the uncanny parallels between Obamacare and standing in a car rental line. Or maybe she won the spot with her witty observation that Sonia Sotomayor prefers the term “undocumented immigrants” to “illegal aliens” because, as a Puerto Rican person, Sotomayor’s “allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.” Beats us. Maybe Stephanopoulos just wants Ingraham to wear a red dress and sing “I like to be een A-mer-ee-ca!” Read more on Laura Inghraham To Bring Her Special Blend Of Hate And Stupid To ABC News…
  is our pundits learning?

Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor

‘Sup, Laura Ingraham? How’ve you been? Keeping busy? Cool, cool. You’ve been doing what? Being deeply confused and kind of full of racist bullshit about immigrants and Puerto Rico? Well, that’s a thing to pass the time, we guess. What idiot wind blew out of your mouth lately? The context of Ingraham’s statement was a rant about Sotomayor’s decision to refer to people in the United States without citizenship or immigration papers as “undocumented immigrants” because, in Sotomayor’s words, calling “them illegal aliens seemed . . . insulting.” After claiming that Sotomayor’s preference for one term over the other somehow reflects insufficient respect for the rule of law, Ingraham said that Justice Sotomayor’s “allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.” Read more on Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor…
  leave the deep thoughts to chuck grassley please

Hero Laura Ingraham Uses Car Rental Line As Opportunity To Deliver Obamacare Lesson

Amoebic dysentery vector Laura Ingraham is not one bit pleased with how Barack Obama has made waits at airports longer, because it is just like waiting for a hip replacement. Never mind that most folks old enough to need a hip replacement are on Medicare, which isn’t even the Affordable Care Act, and that the ACA is not Britain’s National Health Service, or that Laura Ingraham is not a competent user of analogies. She has made one hell of a point here, in the long car rental line (THANKS OBAMA) and then tweeted the wise and clever thing she said to the car rental line so we all could receive her wise bon mot, and we salute her. It’s just like we told the woman taking our order at the coffee shop this morning, “Get used to taking orders, only you’ll be taking them from the commandant at the FEMA camp.” #Obamacare Read more on Hero Laura Ingraham Uses Car Rental Line As Opportunity To Deliver Obamacare Lesson…
  not quite at the mountaintop

Laura Ingraham Frets: Liberals Are Trying To Act Like Martin Luther King Was Some Liberal Or Something

Amoebic dysentery vector Laura Ingraham celebrated the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom yesterday by chatting with Pat Buchanan about black-on-white crime, fretting that liberals were stealing the legacy of Martin Luther King, and cutting off a recording of a speech by civil rights hero John Lewis with the sound of a gunshot. But don’t worry about that last one, it was only a joke! Ingraham was very unhappy with Saturday’s march celebrating the anniversary of the 1963 event, complaining that its goal “was to co-opt the legacy of Martin Luther King into a modern-day liberal agenda,” because as everyone knows, Martin Luther King was really a conservative Republican who gave a beautiful anti-affirmative action speech that consisted of a single line about his dream that one day people would be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Read more on Laura Ingraham Frets: Liberals Are Trying To Act Like Martin Luther King Was Some Liberal Or Something…
  blame canada

Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian

Ivy-league graduate and Harvard Law Review editor Ted Cruz is a startling example of how a Grade A Dumbass can become a U.S. Senator. From Texas, but it still counts. Apparently, despite attending Princeton for undergrad and Harvard for law school, this guy had no idea that being born in Canada makes one a Canadian citizen, even though he himself was that guy who was born in Canada and was therefore a Canadian citizen. If only there was some sort of World Wide InterConnected Web of Electronic Pages one could consult to learn about these things. Someone should get on that. Well, the dual-citizen is finally unburdening himself of his Canadian heritage, allowing him to proudly declare that he is an American and only an American. Per The Hill: “Now the Dallas Morning News says that I may technically have dual citizenship,” Cruz said in a statement. “Assuming that is true, then sure, I will renounce any Canadian citizenship.” Although technically, you are still a giant asshole, but we aren’t sure there is a form you can fill out to renounce that.  Read more on Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian…
  advice for dummies

Count-Pointercount: Olympia Snowe And Laura Ingraham Have Some Advice For Republicans

RINO Olympia Snowe retired last year, so now is a great time for her to speak out about how it’s maybe a bad thing that her party has been taken over by a bunch of screeching addlepated spunk bandits, before the addlepated spunk bandits who keep losing elections convince their brethren that despite all the losing they still know what they are talking about. (Also she has a book to plug, so there’s that.) Tuesday morning she was on some MSNBC show that is not Morning Blowhard to tell the GOP to get its act together: (T)he Republican Party is undergoing some significant and serious changes and they’re going to have to rethink their approach as a political party, and how they’re going to regroup and become a governing majority party that appeals to a broader group of Americans than they do today. Snowe was responding to whatever some female MSNBC host who was not Rachel Maddow or Mika Brys Bryz Whathchamafuck had asked about some comments former Senator BOBDOLE! made over the weekend about how neither he nor the Great Sainted One Ronald Reagan could exist in today’s GOP because they were reasonable men and not just one giant id with memory and erection problems. This is all to be expected from a couple of old-guard moderates who to the party’s 2013 base are so far to the left they might as well be Fidel Castro and Che Guevara marching on Havana. But where we knew we had plunged into Bizarro World was when we heard that Laura fucking Ingraham might have said something similar. Let’s go to the tape: Read more on Count-Pointercount: Olympia Snowe And Laura Ingraham Have Some Advice For Republicans…
  Secret Asian Men

Louie Gohmert Ponders: Can Anyone Tell These Arabs And Messicans Apart?

Actual Sekrit Chatcave Dialogue: Dok Z: Has Louie Gohmert actually not yet said anything stupid about Boston yet? Rebecca S: According to twitter he has said something about something, but I do not know what. Tapatio? Dok Z (after quick Google search): Oh, there we go! See, I thought I was joking. But he came through! And so he has! Addled fartstick Louie Gohmert has joined Steve King on the “Let’s Do Whatever Stupid Shit Laura Ingraham Says” bandwagon, and is telling America that the bombing of the Boston Marathon proves that immigration reform is a bad idea, because terrorism. No, it does not matter that no suspects had been identified when he said this on C-Span this morning. Terrorism. Especially because, you see, now those dangerous terrists are disguising themselves as wetbacks! (Who are also dangerous, of course.) Read more on Louie Gohmert Ponders: Can Anyone Tell These Arabs And Messicans Apart?…
  Unappetizing Force Meets Incomprehsible Object

Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show

Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks every convenience store checkstand features some horrifying new variation on an existing product, like Double-Caffeinated Cool Ranch Twix Bars. So here’s a trial balloon that may or may not sail: Newt Gingrich says he’d just love to be on Celebrity Apprentice, aka Donald Trump’s Festival of Fail. Your Wonkette enthusiastically hopes this comes to pass, because it would be Yooge and Beeyootiful. Read more on Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show…
  coup d'etat coup d'etat!

Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham

We’ve secretly replaced the video of golden succubus Laura Ingraham, passing on some gossip, with the Circle Jerks classic Coup D’Etat. (Don’t worry you are not missing anything. We will tell you what she said.) Read more on Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham…
  hot pix

Arianna Huffington’s ‘Oasis’ Lounge Is the Only Place In All Of Tampa That Will Let Michael Steele In

Did you know that the first black chairman of the RNC was fired on Martin Luther King Day? We are not going to look it up, we are sure this chick Miranda was right about it, she seems like the kind of person who would be right about stuff. And even if Michael Steele, the first black chairman of the RNC, was not fired on Martin Luther King Day, it seems like the kind of thing the RNC would do, so we are just going to go with it. Did you also know that Michael Steele was not invited to participate in this Republican National Convention, like at all? We read that somewhere, it is probably also true. Him and Sarah Palin, man, the UNINVITED. Read more on Arianna Huffington’s ‘Oasis’ Lounge Is the Only Place In All Of Tampa That Will Let Michael Steele In…
  paying your bills is for socialists

Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill

Would you bet over half a million dollars that a few hundred people would be willing to exchange actual currency for the chance to watch defunct hollering person Sharron Angle share makeup tips at a schmaltzy Las Vegas gambling resort? Are you insane? Would you sign a contract to certify you are that insane? If you answered “yes” to these questions, a very tragic congratulations, you are one of the Tea Party Nation’s fiscal responsibility experts now on the hook for $642,144 to said Las Vegas hotel for nixing your Sharron Angle furry sleepover party and failing to pay the contractual cancellation fee. And now they are mysteriously being sued by the hotel! Read more on Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Turns American Religious Holiday Into Pagan ‘Let’s Move!’ Party

Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences everywhere, the end. This is the foundation for the world’s angriest religion, Christianity. This is also why every spring, the White House hosts something called an “Easter Egg Roll,” so that children can experience the magic of the Resurrection through relay races. This year, the theme of the Easter Egg Roll is “Get Up and Go!” to complement our FLOTUS’ “Let’s Move!” anti-obesity campaign. This is, of course, because “Let’s Move!” is really Michelle Obama’s campaign to undermine Christianity, through exercise. Read more on FLOTUS Turns American Religious Holiday Into Pagan ‘Let’s Move!’ Party…
  more pulitzers plz

Your Wonkette Teabagging Tour, Part II

Before starting out on our latest miserable journey into this muddy Randian hell, may we just NOTE that we have noticed various folks on the Internet writing about how lame and trite certain blogs are for covering the Teabaggers only because of that silly sexual double entendre, which is now a dead joke. Indeed it is a dead joke! It’s been dead for weeks! (Although certain incidents do bring it new life every now and then.) But we would call them “Teabaggers” even without the sexual innuendo, because it is a hilarious movement based around tea bags, so yeah, “Teabaggers.” This is the Republican Party now! There is much more fuel to this thing than a simple sex joke that OMG old people don’t understand! Anyway… ha ha, testicles. Let’s look at some pictures of human testicles! Read more on Your Wonkette Teabagging Tour, Part II…
 

John McCain Rides Sexy New Surge Of Popularity

This forbidden-lobbyist-love scandal is a stroke of good fortune for John McCain. Revelations that he may have landed a sizzling hot blonde half his age have brought a new aura of virility and sex appeal to the Spanish-American war hero’s ancient carcass. He is also being hailed by Christian conservatives for having the good taste to conduct a heterosexual extramarital affair. And now we learn the scandal has brought conservative talk radio’s most lovable personalities flocking to his bosom. According to Politico, “they have a common enemy” now. Meaning, of course, the terrorists. At the New York Times. Read more on John McCain Rides Sexy New Surge Of Popularity…
 

Gossip Roundup: Twins in the News

• Reliable Source: Barbara Bush sparks speculation that she’s engaged after she’s seen with a ring on the third finger of her left hand. [WP] • Inside the Beltway: Laura Ingraham tells Brian Lamb to get “Queer Eye” to redesign the C-SPAN set. [WT] • Page Six: Secret Service agent is assigned to investigate claims about Jenna Bush‘s lost wallet; White House issues denials. [NYP] • Cindy Adams: If Jeannine Pirro drops senate campaign in favor of running for attorney general, will Bill Weld run against Hillary? . . . Sen. Elizabeth Dole‘s hair is lighter. [NYP] • Rush & Molloy: Mike Wallace wants to question Bush: “What in the world prepared you to be the commander in chief of the largest superpower in the world? Read more on Gossip Roundup: Twins in the News…
 

Gossip Roundup: Stuck on Cable News

• Washington Whispers: Condi enjoys globe-trotting. . . Rumor mill envisions Gore-Obama ticket in ’08. . . Peter Pace, the new Joint Chiefs of Staff, encourages his minions to find balance in their life. . . 16% of Americans watch more than three hours of cable news per day, the Winston Group finds. [USN&WR] • Cindy Adams: Stephanopoulos says Reid green-lighted Miers on behalf of Democrats. . . Woodruff says Fitzgerald is gunning for a conspiracy charge. [NYP] • Page Six: Mary Cheney, Laura Ingraham, Major Garrett among guests invited by Mary Matalin and James Carville for book party. [NYP] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Stuck on Cable News…