It’s easy to forget that some other guy was president before the McCain/Obama joint rulership of America began. The other guy’s name was “George Bush,” and he flew around the world dancing with the natives and bombing nonexistent nuke installations. But now that Dick Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain, George Bush needs a new place to live, so he has dispatched his wife to investigate every cavernous tacky 7,000-square-foot limestone piece of shit in the greater Dallas area. Let’s explore the possibilities, together. MORE »

Once upon a time, Curtis Sittenfeld wrote a funny thing for Salon about her terrible case of Nell Freudenberger envy. Then she wrote two best-selling novels and now she has another novel coming out in September: a piece of RACY SPECULATIVE FICTION that is totally obviously about Laura Bush! If Wonkette had a Book Club for Fancy Ladies and Gentlemen, this might be an inaugural selection. Lesbians, abortions, and sexy sex quotations via Radar after the jump. MORE »

We had forgotten about these crazy war-dances the Maori like to do before important events like rugby matches and visits from the American First Lady. What is it with the Bushes and their weird knack for ending up at nutty dance parties? [YouTube]

You will certainly want to watch all eight minutes of Jenna and Laura’s crazy time over on the lesbian teevee show! Let us know if anything good happens. For us, the highlight was about 35 seconds in when Jenna sits down and crosses her legs and flashes some panty. And then we quit watching, because who fucking cares what these people say, right? [Campaign Circus]

For some reason, Laura Bush decided to be president today and gave a press conference attacking the Burmese government for the way it handled the cyclone that has killed upwards of 10,000 citizens. Laura Bush said, “Although they were aware of the threat, Burma’s state-run media failed to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm’s path.” How would the Bush administration have handled a large natural disaster, however? MORE »

NATION OF CRETINS: “A man who heckled Laura and Jenna Bush as they were leaving a discussion about their children’s book was arrested after he allegedly punched a girl who was in a wheelchair.” [TransWorldNews]

Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there’s one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump! MORE »

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

Presidents and vice presidents file tax returns — they’re just like us! George and Laura Bush filed and guess how much they made in 2007? Just shy of a million! That’s not really so much money. Dick and Lynne Cheney easily beat the fake president’s adjusted gross income of $923,807. But by how much? MORE »

Today, America’s most boring First Lady Laura Bush said that she and President George will be moving to Dallas, home of the Cowboys football team and various other things, after he is finished his Washington job. “I guess I can announce this in front of the press,” Mrs. Bush said at a National Parks Foundation event at Williams Preparatory school in Dallas. Little does she know that she cannot announce anything to the press. Will this librarian ever learn? [Dallas Morning News]

This whole “Barack Obama is a fresh face to American political history” meme has finally been disproven as yet another dumb liberal myth. Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered that, aside from Dick Cheney, Obama is related to six former presidents, a Tory, various Confederate racists, and Brad Pitt. It is not clear whether they are from his Kenyan side or his Muslim side. Hillary COINCIDENTALLY is related to Angelina Jolie, the pretty lady who adopts children with Brad Pitt. John McCain, meanwhile, is the son of the first dinosaur. MORE »