Wonkette

OMFG, the Late Night Shots douchebags have suddenly realized their gals are kind of dumb and bland, and now the LNS doods have developed a collective boner for pretty hipster girls at the Black Cat and Rock ‘n Roll Hotel! But how will the LNS guys disguise their doucheness while trying to get some indie chick action? Read the tragic discussion, after the jump. MORE »

DC’s closed, invitation-only social networking site for rich prostitutes and Southern trust-fund children with gonorrhea, Late Night Shots, has inspired a Hills-type reality show. Are you a famous LNSer? Do you stare at pictures of Georgetown kids peeing on each other all night long? You can apply to be the next Lauren Conrad, right here! [via DCist]

Yesterday, the Washington City Paper ran a cover story about Late Night Shots, DC’s finest closed social networking site for UNC grads who work hard to maintain that special mix of date rape, shitty beer, and racial homogeneity that is the Georgetown nightlife. The LNSers got mad and left funny comments. Yesterday, we looked at their City Paper comment tirades. Today, we move, once more, to the belly of the beast — the LNS forums themselves.

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When they’re not accidentally impregnating Tuesday-night Takedowns or vomiting on their own shoes, the members of Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — are busy solving the world’s many problems. After all, they will be lobbyists some day!

One problem recently featured in the news is the problem of Muslims. Why so many kinds of Muslims? And why does it seem we are always invading their countries and killing them? How did some get over here, in Jesusland? We’ll explore the many interesting policy positions from the LNS community, after the jump. But first, an appetizer:

* “It would be easy to just nuke these nuts, but they are spread out over everywhere in different cells and are very crafty. We have seen what they can do around the world…history (the crusades) will show us that Muslims will not back down until they achieve domination…we basically need to string all these whack nuts up and make them Extinct…then we could go back to a peaceful world. Don’t give me what about the Muslims that are good Citizens, you can’t trust these people especially when they groom there children to be killers. I mean look at 24…”

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Secret agent & Wonkette intern Lauren sends this quickie from the Late Night Shots forum, because she loves you people: MORE »

Beloved capitool bar Smith Point is on fire! DCFD is on the scene! Late Night Shots people are blaming, obviously, this website! Here are some comments: MORE »

It’s not all under-skirt-finger-bangs and young adult men living off mommy’s money. Sometimes, Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — also explores the political establishment which employs them.

What do Washington’s best & whitest think about new Virginia Senator Jim Webb? He should go live in Russia, obviously! But a lot of LNSers actually respect Webb. What the hell is going on? Come read the forum goodness, after the jump.

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This week’s revue of the Late Night Shots forum features a brilliant moment of self-critique. Just for a moment, the LNSers saw the seams of their 1980s fantasy cocaine internet club. It calls to mind Anais Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

We grow weary of this charade. Look forward to spotty coverage of the LNS forums until they do something extraordinarily funny again.

Until then, ride the wave of “women-are-retarded” with Intern Lauren — one last time.

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How fake is this?

Late Night Shots Christmas orgy - mw4mw - 23
Reply to: pers-247869532@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-12, 12:32PM EST

Come one, Come all
Just plain Cum!
We of legendary Wonkette fame are having our year end blow/out/up/off, whatever your pleasure.
Discretion is thrown out the window. Bring your own Condoms (Magnum’s preferred)
email this for time & place. Enjoy!

Do not e-mail for time and place, because this is such an obvious setup that not even Mark Foley would respond. Forcefully-aborted fetuses may be thrown out the windows when LNS turbos make a romance inside daddy’s little trust-fund drunk gal, but discretion is crucial if any of these kids expect to run a K Street firm someday.
Casual Encounters [Craigslist]

After a brief hiatus (because nothing could ever beat this), Intern Lauren is back in the game. The forums of closed social-networking site Late Night Shots were full of earnest pleas for help this weekend, and wise, well-considered advice was to be found all over, if you knew where to look. Come with us on a journey of self-discovery. No turbos this week, just love.

Weight loss tips, condoms of yesteryear and women’s lib, after the jump.

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In an obvious attempt to steal Meth Day’s thunder, today is World AIDS Day. Yay for AIDS! The recent problems with condom procurement and usage we’ve reported make it all too clear that DC needs a lot more of these “Condom Safe Sites” so LNS kids aren’t wasting time looking for a CVS when they could be having terrible sex and then vomiting on each other. MORE »

Intern Lauren will probably kill us (with Polonium-210) for wasting this extra-precious exchange from Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — but we’ve got to run it now to make a joke work in Wonkette’s War On Christmas Gift Guide.

Join us after the jump for the scientifically exact opposite of Hollywood’s beloved “meet cute” scenario.

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How’s being back in the office? Shitty, huh? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Did you hook up with your cousin? Was it good? Since you’ve been gone, there has been a major infiltration of turbos on Late Night Shots. Our golden boys and girls are handling it, well, with humor:

RE: Saturday at K St
Posted By: Jake LaMotta on 11-27-2006 10:41 am Report as shockingly offensive

anybody know how to make 15 pounds of fat attractive?

…put a nipple on it.

Follow Intern Lauren into the world of racism, incest, ski bunnies and gourmet nuts (they really do make the perfect gift) after the jump.

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* The all too brief time we’ll get to spend with Shelly “DraculaCunt” Gibs.
* Turkeys that attack the crotch that feeds them.
* Education Secretary Margaret Spellings and the fact that she couldn’t turn her brain “up to 11,” on Celebrity Jeopardy.
* The trademark chaos that follows the Bush family, young and old and older, everywhere they go.
* The lessons we learned from paperless reporter Karen Feld, even though she assigns a lot of homework.
* Newly paperless Jim VandeHei and John Harris, whose new multi-platform political reporting venture will surely BLOW OUR MINDS.
* That the State Department’s Protocol Office has a sense of humor after all.
* Lou Dobbs, who’s going to save us from the Mexicans, just as soon as he finds his toupee.
* Small town reporters who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is.
* Finally, our undying gratitude goes to Late Night Shots, without whom we might still be wasting time with “hope” for the future of America.