Tag Archives: las vegas

  Because I don't WANT TO Greta!

President Donald Trump Has Secret Plan To Kill ISIS, But Loser Obama Doesn’t Even Care

Don't show him your tits
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump has a YOOOOOOGE secret plan to kill ISIS dead, but he ain’t about to tell you losers about it. And why not? Well, because then it won’t be a secret anymore! Last week, Trump (TRUMP!) explained to an incredulous Greta van Susteren why he won’t reveal his plan: “Because I don’t WANT to, Greta.” She responded that we “need all the help we can get!” so Trump explained further: Read more on President Donald Trump Has Secret Plan To Kill ISIS, But Loser Obama Doesn’t Even Care…
  Beale Street Blues Boy

Farewell, B.B. King. We’ll Still Live On, But So Lonely We’ll Be.

A legend.
The skies over Memphis are hazy today, and so are we, because we’ve lost our B.B. King, the King Of The Blues, who died Thursday at the age of 89. The Memphis In May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, one of the world’s largest private parties, is in full swing, and our Memphis Grizzlies face Golden State tonight at home, in the game that will determine whether this is the end of our road for this year’s NBA playoffs. Win or lose, the city’s spirit of “Grit and Grind” will continue, because that’s how we are. But tonight, in addition to the smells of barbecue wafting over the Mississippi River, the intoxicated revelry of the party-goers — your Wonkette included — and the screaming, passionate basketball fans inside the FedEx Forum, there will be vigil on Beale Street, and there will be mourning. And more than a few shots taken. Read more on Farewell, B.B. King. We’ll Still Live On, But So Lonely We’ll Be….
  so this is weird

North Las Vegas Mayor Is Not Familiar With His Kiddie Porn, No Siree

Apparently before he found the kiddie porn on his iPad, Mayor Lee was very excited about the Independence Day Jubilee.
It’s that age-old story. You open your iPad and the internet goblins have put a bunch of kiddie porn on it, so you freak out and call the cops, who are your friends, because you are the mayor of North Las Vegas, Nevada, and they come get it and wipe it clean for you. Wait, what? This is a thing that happened, though details are very, very sketchy. According to a police report from a certain Detective Mark Hoyt, North Las Vegas Mayor John Lee “grabbed” an officer at the City Hall one day in October, because there was kiddie porn on his computer. But he didn’t put it there! Read more on North Las Vegas Mayor Is Not Familiar With His Kiddie Porn, No Siree…
  gay prom nice time!

Gay Boy Gets To Go To Prom With Hella Cute Straight Boy Of His Dreams!

It is the weekend, which means we need a Nice Time, and it’s a GOOD ONE. Remember prom? That thing that happened in high school where the mean kids spilled pig blood all over you, so you unleashed your powers and murdered everybody? Ha ha, no, you did not do that, you are not Carrie! You stayed home from your prom, duh. Well, here is a gay kid who is DEFINITELY going, because his best friend, a straight guy, asked him in the most adorable way. Read more on Gay Boy Gets To Go To Prom With Hella Cute Straight Boy Of His Dreams!…
  konspiracy korner

What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!

Time to retire, old man.
A friend of mine was in Las Vegas a week or two ago. He talked to a number of people there about Reid’s accident, and didn’t find anyone who believed the elastic exercise band story. The common assumption was that the incident resulted, in some fashion, from Reid’s relationship with organized crime. The principal rumor my friend heard was that Reid had promised to obtain some benefit for a group of mobsters. He met with them on New Year’s Day, and broke the bad news that he hadn’t been able to deliver what he promised. When the mobsters complained, Reid (according to the rumor) made a comment that they considered disrespectful, and one of them beat him up. – John Hinderaker, Powerline blog Read more on What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!…
  Baking soda has so many uses!

Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair

We have absolutely no patience for dumb people who have special braindead ideas about how to cure cancer or AIDS or stubbed toes or anything else, so let us throw to the wolves (YOU, rabid Wonkette commenters!) Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, because she is a dumb dick, if there ever was a template for “dumb dick,” like if Mavis Beacon was trying to teach you how to type “dumb dick,” it would involve typing the letters of Fiore’s name over and over until you get it right, KEEP PRACTICING, YOU WILL GET IT: Read more on Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair…
  meth is a helluva drug

Sarah Palin Yo, She Is Classy As Fuc

class as fuc
No, she is never ever ever leaving. Who would pay for her wigs? Sarah Palin had a busy weekend, going to Las Vegas to eye-fuc this dude, Congressional Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyers, while holding a sign telling lefty troll Michael Moore to fuc himself right in the surveyor’s marks. (His anus.) Read more on Sarah Palin Yo, She Is Classy As Fuc…
  Oy Gefilte!

Scott Walker Wished Jewish Friends A Merry Jewish Christmas And An Incendiary New Year

And then the kids spin the grenadel
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is definitely giving some serious thought to running for president — like, more serious thought than Donald Trump, even — and to do that, he’s going to have to prove that he is a friend of Israel and of The Jews. Not necessarily a friend to the majority of American Jews, who foolishly keep supporting Democrats, despite Ben Shapiro yelling at them, but he needs to at least prove that he’s worthy of some Sheldon Adelson money. And so he makes the appropriate gestures of love for Israel, which is both a great beacon of democracy and a necessary prop that will be needed to bring about the End Times. He even made a point of goysplaining, at a Las Vegas Adelsonfest, that he named his son Matthew, which is Hebrew for “gift from God,” and that he celebrates the Birth of Our Saviour Jesus Christ with both Christmas lights and “a menorah candle.” See, he’s trying real hard! Unfortunately, not every attempt to be hip and fit in works so well, as we are reminded by Madison’s Capital Times. As part of a document dump from last year’s “John Doe” investigations of Walker’s administration, the group One Wisconsin found an amusing artifact from Walker’s pre-governor days, when he was Milwaukee County executive. Franklyn Gimbel, an attorney from Milwaukee, had written about setting up a Chanukah display at the Milwaukee County Courthouse, and Walker enthusiastically replied: Read more on Scott Walker Wished Jewish Friends A Merry Jewish Christmas And An Incendiary New Year…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Maybe The GOP Will Pass An Immigration Bill, Just To Show Up Obama (Video)

No, really! They might pass a bill!
Rachel Maddow gets the feeling that this executive action on immigration isn’t going to be quite the disaster for Barack Obama that a lot of Republicans have been insisting it must. For all the bluster, impeachment is a no-go (even if the House votes to impeach, there’s no 2/3 majority for a conviction), a lawsuit is iffy, and a government shutdown, while a definite possibility, wouldn’t end the policy. And in the meantime, Barry Bamz is looking good, getting cheered by high schoolers, and generally sounding more like that guy we voted for — no “I’m still relevant” defensiveness for him. Read more on Morning Maddow: Maybe The GOP Will Pass An Immigration Bill, Just To Show Up Obama (Video)…
  We Love Legitimate Theatre

Duck Dynasty Musical Headed For Las Vegas. Really.

It's late in the day -- add your own damn beard.
In the greatest development for The Legitimate Theater since the boffo hit Stop the Planet of the Apes. I Want To Get Off!, the marketing geniuses who portray a family of folksy Louisiana fundamentalist Christian duck-call makers have announced plans for a big-budget musical about themselves, to play in Las Vegas, proving that H.L. Mencken was wildly optimistic about the tastes of the American public. At the very least, the whole sorry mess just left everyone in the Wonkette Sekrit Chatcave swapping lines from The Simpsons, so at least we can credit it for that. There’s also this pretty good lede from the New York Times story on the impending disaster: Read more on Duck Dynasty Musical Headed For Las Vegas. Really….
  Dear Tucker: This One Time At FEMA Camp...

Idaho Christians Going To Jail For Standing Up To Homosexuals, Just Like Martin Luther King

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Nobody could have seen this coming. The second Idaho got marriage equality, the crazed liberals who rule that state started oppressing supporters of traditional marriage right and left. Just look at this screaming headline from Tucker Carlson’s Internet Rage-a-torium: “Idaho City To Christian Pastors: Perform Same-Sex Weddings Or Face Jail.” It’s just like the Culture Warriors predicted! Merely standing up for the Bible is now a criminal offense! Let’s see exactly how terrible the oppressin’ is! Read more on Idaho Christians Going To Jail For Standing Up To Homosexuals, Just Like Martin Luther King…
  This Sucks AND Blows

ShootyLand Management Says Uzi Release Forms Blown Away Like Uzi Instructor, Only By Wind

Here’s one for your “I Totally Believe That” file. You know the rent-an-automatic-weapon amusement park in Arizona where that 9-year-old girl was allowed to fire an Uzi submachine gun, killing the “instructor” when the fully automatic weapon’s recoil kicked its muzzle toward his head? Turns out that Bullets and Burgers, which has a strict policy of not letting anyone under the age of eight fire automatic weapons, is doing a bang-up job of cooperatin’ with the authorities investigating the shooting. They’ve talked to Mohave County Sherriff’s deputies and provided them with all sorts of useful documentation, except maybe they can’t find the release forms that the girl’s parents signed because the papers were “blown away by the wind.” Yr Dok Zoom went to high school in that part of Arizona and knows for a fact that the winds there can be pretty strong, especially if you’ve got sensitive paperwork that just might accidentally blow away. Happens all the time in those desert winds. Here, courtesy of Talking Points Memo, are the exciting documents from the actual investigation. Or attempted investigation, whatevs: Read more on ShootyLand Management Says Uzi Release Forms Blown Away Like Uzi Instructor, Only By Wind…
  No Need For Gun Skills!

Nine-Year-Old Girl With Uzi, F*ck You America

Kid With Gun, Bernard Dumaine, 2012
In News of Responsible Gun Owners today, we have the story of some loving parents who know that you can never start too soon when it comes to putting firearms into the hands of your tykes. Sure, maybe in the olden times you might give your kid a .22 rifle so that they can become accustomed to safely handling weapons, but that’s so passé! Instead, why not be like the parents of a nine-year-old girl from New Jersey, who took her to the Last Stop shooting range so she could learn how to handle a fully automatic Uzi on their family vacation to Arizona. Not that she could own one — you need special licensing from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms to have a full-auto weapon, and in what can only be seen as pissing on the graves of the Founding Fathers, the feds still won’t give such a license to children, because they hate Freedom. Read more on Nine-Year-Old Girl With Uzi, F*ck You America…
  it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

Prepare Yourself: We Have Come Unstuck In Time

Well look at what we went and did! We plum forgot to do a Links post for Happy for the last three days, for which the responsible parties will be sought out and disparaged. (Rebecca’s pretty sure it was Dok, Dok’s pretty sure it was Rebecca, and Sara was living the High Life in Vegas but is now preparing to go to a Shamanic Healing Workshop or some such.) And so, let’s see what we need to catch you up on! WEDNESDAY! Sara is still freaked out by a Shakespears Sister video flashback from childhood. We explained that you can actually enjoy Las Vegas without gambling, drinking, paying for sex, or using any of the survival supplies from a B-52 bomber. We brought you a guide to throwing the best bachelorette party ever. Dan took a break from the World Cup to look at just how awful Donald Sterling has been during his court case (spoiler: pretty awful). And Kaili, to no one’s surprise, was Mad About A Thing, in this case, spineless Democrats who compromise on women’s healthcare coverage. Read more on Prepare Yourself: We Have Come Unstuck In Time…